by Unknown
Apparently, a Bolivian cabal of Pepsi distributors misjudged the doctor’s character and hired him to contaminate shipments of Coke with some heinous disease. The doctor went along with this plan, chose a viable pathogen, and brewed up a generous batch of Blopholarionus trophlofloris (common Amazonian Stem Rot) in a small vat of ginger beer. But when the conspirators came to collect the contaminant, Dr. Lambshead gave them instead a bottle of rubbing alcohol and green food coloring. It is supposed that he then proposed a toast and offered them all glasses of iced ginger beer. Their plans for commercially-motivated germ warfare came to naught, and an international cola incident was narrowly avoided.
The Rosenbergs, 1953
In 1953, two famous scapegoats were sacrificed to the gods of capital punishment. Their names were Julius and Ethel Rosenberg, convicted of treason for leaking atomic secrets. Not until the 1977 Guide was issued could the true story of the Rosenberg execution be told.
In point of fact, the intervention of prison doctor Richard Calder allowed the Rosenbergs to survive electrocution and to fake their own deaths. Dr. Calder accomplished this deception by the subcutaneous insertion of the root scrapings of a little-known African shrub related to ibogaine. He was carefully following the instructions in the 1932 Guide. After reviving the two supposed corpses, he arranged for minor plastic surgery and a discrete retirement to New Mexico. “I stole the plot from Romeo and Juliet,” he wrote in his article for the Guide, years later.
JFK, 1963
One of the great murder mysteries of the last century was conclusively solved in the 1967 Guide by forensic chemist Dr. Rachel Pollack. We refer to the tragic public death of John F. Kennedy. It is disgraceful that Dr. Pollack’s exposé never received attention in the world press.
Since 1963, more and more of President Kennedy’s health problems have come to light, despite a firm policy of concealment on the part of the Kennedy family. At college he was known as “Jaundice Jack” for his yellowish skin tone. His lifelong spinal dysplasia was spuriously explained as the consequence of a war wound. Spinal surgeries were performed in secret. By the time Senator Kennedy was elected president, his Addison’s disease and attendant adrenal insufficiency were being treated with daily injections of cortisone—another medical fact that he repeatedly denied to the press. His perilous condition was further complicated during his term of office by vitamin/amphetamine shots administered by the dubious Dr. Max “Feelgood” Jacobson.28
It required the Pocket Guide and the testimony of Dr. Pollack to fit in the final pieces of this medical puzzle, and to solve the mystery surrounding the motorcade through Dealy Plaza. Dr. Pollack was able to reach her conclusions after a state-of-the-art chromatographic analysis of the stains on the First Lady’s famous pink dress.
There was no assassination. No shots were fired that day—none from the book repository, none from the grassy knoll or the sewer grate, not even one magic bullet. There was no entry wound. There was no exit wound. President Kennedy perished suddenly of an Explosive Cranial Snarcoma. Similar cases of internal tumor explosion have been documented extensively in the Guide since as early as 1949.29 If only someone at the White House had been a Guide reader. The warning signs were there for all to see.
The Space Race, 1967
Another tragedy of the 1960s has been consistently misrepresented. In 1967, astronauts Ed White, Virgil Grissom, and Roger Chaffee perished in a fire in the hyperbaric atmosphere of a training capsule. The causation of their deaths was far more sinister than has commonly been supposed.
On both sides of the space race, sabotage by deep-cover agents of the CIA or the KGB was commonplace. In 1963, the first female cosmonaut, Valentina Tereshkova, suffered psychotic episodes in orbit,30 not as a result of inherent mental instability but rather because an MK-Ultra-produced psychedelic powder had been sprinkled in her socks.
CIA mischief continued. The next casualty was Sergei Pavlovich Korolev, mastermind and ramrod of the Russian space program. He died in 1966 at the height of the competition to put a man on the moon. Supposedly, he suffered a heart attack during surgery for colon cancer.31 For the grisly details of Korolev’s actual death, read Dr. Ivan Skoevingblourt’s article in the 1971 Guide, “The Soil Spiders of Yakutsk and Their Uses in Local Witchcraft.”
Payback came in 1967. Hard evidence of KGB culpability in that payback would eventually surface with the publication of the 1974 Guide, which featured the investigative journalism of then-chiropractic allergist Dr. Jeff VanderMeer. Dr. VanderMeer demonstrated beyond doubt that Roger Chaffee burst spontaneously into flame and incinerated his surroundings. This was a time-tested KGB technique.
Biafra, 1967
All sorts of well-publicized events never happened, or never happened as reported. When the Igbo people of Biafra declared their seccession from Nigeria in 1967, civil war ensued. With the war came widespread starvation. This much is true. But the starvation had nothing to do with any food shortage. The problem was a psychoactive weed pollen that induced an uncontrollable fear of eating. Guide correspondent Dr. Basuni Obo broke the story in the 1968 edition. See: “Phagophobia and the Perplexis Viridis.”
Joey Mellen, 1970
In 1962, Joey Mellen of London took some mescaline and decided that the best way to stay high permanently was cranial trepanation. In 1966, he bought an antique skull trephine in a second-hand shop. In 1970, after several failed attempts, he finally accomplished his auto-surgical project with the help of a hand-held power drill. He later wrote a book called Bore Hole. He also produced a documentary film titled “Heartbeat in the Brain,” in which, live and on camera, Mr. Mellen trepans his girlfriend Amanda. They then announce their mutual attainment of a constant state of spiritual bliss.32
Joey and Amanda, the poster boy and poster girl of trepanation, searched for years for an M.D. sufficiently open-minded to offer the operation to their friends. Despite the medical establishment’s unaccountable acceptance of nose jobs, tummy tucks, stomach staples, and sex change operations, trepanation had no takers.
And here the Joey Mellen story might have ended, if not for the skillful metal work of Guide contributor and registered urologist Dr. Rikki Ducornet, who custom-tooled a new surgical instrument, now available to hospitals and mental institutions from Green Dog Precision Tools of Oshkosh. Dr. Ducornet’s motorized trephine can perform a virtually bloodless trepanation in under a minute, greatly simplifying the sterile field problem for amateurs. She has named her tool the Mellen Trephine. For legal reasons, it is marketed as the Ducornet Melon Scooper.™
Cambodia, 1970
Even as the Guide won increasing popular acceptance and academic credibility, certain segments of the medical community remained resistant to its use. Such was the situation within the United States Air Force, and they suffered the predictable consequences. Consider the bombing runs over Cambodia during the 1970 invasion. This effort was badly hampered by pilot exposures to the dime-sized aerial jellyfish, Quonquossa gamma, which lives only in the cloud cover over certain sections of Malaysia. This cnidarian infiltrates ventilation systems and causes compulsive hair pulling and nail biting, loss of feeling in the genital region, and odd speech patterns resembling Peter Lorre imitations.
If the flight surgeons involved had been keeping up with their Guide reading, they could have immunized their pilots, thus clearing the way for deeper penetrations into enemy territory and a more surgical style of bombardment.
Jim Morrison, 1971
It is widely believed that rock star Jim Morrison took his own life in 1971 in reaction to a diagnosis of inoperable Penis Cancer. How ironic that the diagnosis was mistaken. To explain Mr. Morrison’s symptoms, one need only procure a copy of the 1936 Guide and skim through the entry on the life cycle of the Mexican plutotropic tequila worm. Obvious, isn’t it? And Mr. Morrison wasn’t the only rock star to suffer a fatal misdiagnosis. Jimi Hendrix wasn’t even dead when they buried him.33
The Sexual Revolution
Speaking of kink
y sex: In the 1976 edition, freelance podiatrist Dr. Lance Olsen presented definitive evidence that the sexual revolution was caused by saccharine.
Mao Tse-Tung
Chairman Mao Tse-tung of China, (1893 to 1976,) did live to a ripe old age. He was cloned and replaced by himself in 1955, 1965, and 1975. Finally, he’d been copied so often, he just fell to pieces. Perhaps you thought cloning was impossible in the 1950s. Do yourself a favor and pick up some back editions of the Guide.
Albino Luciani, 1978
On August 26, 1978, Albino Luciani, born to working-class Italian parents, was elected Pope John Paul I by the Council of Cardinals. He was a healthy 66-year-old. “The Smiling Pope” refused to be crowned with the traditional triple tiara. He declined to use the royal we in his encyclicals. He was rumored to have knowledge of financial irregularities at the Vatican Bank. Thirty-three days subsequent to his election, he died in bed of a rather suspicious heart attack. The body was never tested for digitalis residues.34
The courageous spadework of Dr. Paolo G. Di Filippo, then the Guide’s Vatican City correspondent, has uncovered the distressing story behind this sudden death. Also the sudden death of Pope Paul VI by heart attack one month previous. Also the mysterious 1963 death of Pope John XXIII, convener of the controversial Second Vatican Council. For all the gory details, one need only consult the 1982 edition, which features Dr. Di Filippo’s “Eucharist Wine, Poisoners, and Homicidal Fermentation at Castle Gandolfo.” An impressive follow-up to his much-discussed “Thomas Merton: Death by Vaporizer.”
Idi Amin Dada, 1979
In 1979, the brutal regime of Ugandan president Idi Amin Dada was overthrown. It is generally thought that he fled into exile. Actually one of his doubles fled into exile with his checkbook. (Every dictator should have a few decoys. It confuses the assassins.)
The real Mr. Amin Dada also survived the coup. But, unlike his double, he didn’t get very far, as readers of 1982 Guide already know. He is now on display, floating in a jar of formaldehyde, at a private pathology museum in Holland. His jar is right between Pol Pot’s jar and Francois Duvalier’s. He is alive and well, although he does complain of breathing problems and cramping.
AIDS, 1983
In 1983, the attention of AIDS researchers everywhere was attracted to a crossed-swords pissing match between Dr. Robert Gallo of the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Maryland, and his rival, Dr. Luc Montagnier of the Pasteur Institute in Paris. Dr. Gallo was stridently promoting his recently isolated HTLV (Human T-cell Leukemia Virus) as the retrovirus responsible for AIDS. On the other side of the pond, Dr. Montagnier sang the praises of his own research into LAV (Lymphodenopathy-associated Virus.)35
The medical world had no notion of just how tense this rivalry became. Each of the two eminent pathologists was attempting to infect the other with a hideous disease he’d spotted in the Guide. Dr. Gallo was mailing Dr. Montagnier anonymous gifts of fruit baskets and gourmet cheeses, hoping to give him Clear Rice Sickness.36 Meanwhile, Dr. Montagnier was sending Dr. Gallo anonymous gifts of cashmere sweaters and designer tennis shoes, hoping that Gallo would catch a raging case of Ferrobacterial Accretion Syndrome.37
Luckily, both scientists had requested their pathogen samples from Dr. Lambshead, (then battling Sclerotic Pingeucula in Argentina.) The doctor saw through these requests for “research material” and sent the two dueling pathologists samples of his own nasal emunctions, neatly placed in Petri dishes. The doctor has a peculiar sense of humor.
AIDS has been mistakenly blamed for several celebrity deaths that can only be correctly explained by reference to the Guide. For instance, it was a 1980s outbreak of Liposuction Ebola that slew Rock Hudson and Robert Mapplethorpe. Liposuction Ebola was a mutation of Bengalese Tattoo Parlor Ebola. In the 1990s, it evolved into Hair Implant Ebola, which caused the deaths of Anthony Perkins and Rudolph Nureyev. Modern cases of all these ebolas are treated routinely with a topical cream of St. Ogbert’s root in coconut paste and usually require no hospitalization. (See the 1995 Guide for the specifics of this treatment.)
Gene Tech, 1987
In 1987, the Food & Drug Administration approved Recombinant T-PA (tissue plasminogen activator), the first drug ever produced by genetic engineering. Genentech’s thrombosis-busting anticoagulant opened a new age for pharmacy.38 The genetic molding and milking of microbes might have been big news to the world at large, but for readers of the Guide, it was fairly old hat. Ever since 1932 old jungle hands such as ace botanist Dr. Eric Schaller and mutation specialist Dr. Jeffrey Thomas have been sending in reports on the biological manipulations of the elders of the Kakaram tribe of central Ecuador. As Dr. Thomas has stated: “If the Kakaram head plant, the revolving tree, and the tricolor army ant are not pieces of genetic engineering, then I’d like to know what is.”
Part Four: A CENTURY WINDS DOWN, 1991–1999
During the last decade, the pace of Dr. Lambshead’s mad dashing from nation to nation has slowed. He has nonetheless found time to teach crash courses at countless medical colleges, training academies, and hospitals. He’s also been spending quite a lot of time at his underground bio-containment lab—built for him at his place of birth, the picturesque village of Wimpering On the Brink in Devon, by the Institute For Further Study. The great doctor no longer feels the urge to chase after medical puzzles. These days, more and more, people bring the puzzles to him.
As for the Guide, its momentum as a force in modern medicine continues to build. Yet troubles with publishers have persisted. In 1991, Jolly Boy Publishing & Soap Company lapsed into bankruptcy. Despite his earlier quarrel with J. Edgar Hoover, Dr. Lambshead resolved to plant the Guide once again in the vivifying soil of the New World. He located a publishing house in the fresh clean air of the Mojave Desert—a family enterprise known as Boojum Press of Ataxia Gorge. Here the Guide prospered until December of 2002, at which point the entire town slid into a sudden sinkhole and disappeared forever. That’s California for you.
Plutonium, 1993
The Guide’s investigative reporting hasn’t lost its edge. In the 1993 edition, roving CDC scalp specialist Dr. Jeffrey Ford courageously blew the whistle on the United States Atomic Energy Commission. The AEC has been planting storage sheds for spent plutonium in the back yards of random suburban houses and then using junk mail dusted with Hanford isodrenococcus to induce short-term memory loss in the residents. This outrage continues despite the Guide’s best efforts to inform a complacent public.
Venereal Disease, 1997
In 1997, three cases of cyanofixative venereal yeast (otherwise known as “The Blue Valentine” or “Mexican Blue Dick”) were detected in San Diego. A timely consultation of the Guide allowed me, as acting coroner’s assistant, to avert an American epidemic of this dread genital scourge—currently so common in Sweden, Iceland, and Mexico.
Terrorism, 1999
Terrorists are often quite naive in medical matters. Consider the fate of the Victims of Childhood Acne Terrorist Cadre of Greater Chicagoland and their Pakistani-American leader Benny Ali bin Ahka. In 1994, they traveled all the way to Surat, India, to collect live cultures of Bubonic Plague (Yersina pestis).39 They had a germ incubator waiting for the cultures back in Chicago. Unhappily for the would-be terrorists, in building their incubator they had misread the blueprint. They’d mistaken a measurement in meters for a measurement in feet and a temperature in Centigrade for a temperature in Fahrenheit. Resultantly their incubator was way too small and not nearly warm enough. The cadre’s plague cultures croaked on them like a tank full of tropical fish.
Mr. Bin Ahka wouldn’t give up. In 1999, the cadre took a package tour to Russia and scored some smallpox from the Biopreparat germ factory at Koltsovo.40 Their plan was to return to Chicago, wait until the eve of the millennium, and release the germs on the train cars of the El. This time their samples were a little too hale and hardy. The remains of the cadre were found in their secret hideout, right around Thanksgiving, and very carefully disposed of. A
defector from the group survived to write up her story for the 2000 Guide.
Part Five: INTO A NEW CENTURY— THE POCKET GUIDE TRIUMPHANT
Here in a new century, a set of the Guide is still not an accepted or expected feature of most collegiate medical libraries. Although the Guide is studied each year by the best and brightest medical students, it is often on the sly, rather than as required reading. However, things are looking up. The Guide has been translated into 27 languages, some of them now dead. A cornucopia of honors has been heaped on Dr. Lambshead—the Burmese medal of honor, the Polish cross, the Académie Francaise’s Permanganate/Ampersand Prize For Medical Journalism, and the Okinawa Fragrant Flower Hospital Service Award, to mention only a few.
Despite continual attacks by the weak-minded goons of the AMA and other transparent lackeys of the medical establishment, the Guide continues to win renown from the foremost medical men for its impeccable standards of peer review and verification, for its clarity of argumentation, and for its richness of documentation.
Meanwhile, most of Dr. Lambshead’s associates have, over time, passed on. John Trimble died in a car crash in 1968.41 In 1973, Dr. Sarah Goodman succumbed to a fatal amusement in her sleep. In 1985, Dr. Buckhead Mudthumper was clawed by an alcophobic sloth and passed away almost instantly. Yet Dr. Lambshead soldiers on, bloodied but unbowed. Are you worried about the mutant Tuberculosis in the Russian prison system?42 Go to Wimpering On the Brink and talk it over with the doctor. Are cases of Cockroach Malaria showing up in Denver? Cholera in Tibet? Kashmiri Narrow-Head in Chile? Consult the old doctor. Everyone else does.