by Leigh Bale
“I’m sorry, Bishop Yoder. I meant no harm. You see, I was playing hide-and-seek with Sam. I thought Jesse was him and I bumped into him and...” Her words trailed off. She was babbling and making no sense. What good would it do to try and explain? She knew how it looked and it wasn’t good.
The silence was deafening as the bishop studied both her and Jesse for several long, torturous moments. The church elder’s steely gray eyes were unblinking as he considered her. She waited with bated breath, not daring to say another word that might make matters worse.
“I trust this will never happen again,” the bishop finally said.
Becca shook her head and quickly reassured him. “Ne, I won’t come here alone again. In fact, Sam and I were finished for the night. School is almost out and... I was just leaving.”
“Gut. Your lessons here are finished. You can tutor Sam at school from now on.”
Though the bishop spoke gently, his words were an order, not a request.
She nodded and he watched as she hurried to the kitchen, gathered up her things and fled out the back door.
Jesse watched her go, his expression pensive. She knew how serious the situation was. It was no laughing matter. If the bishop thought there was any impropriety, both she and Jesse could find themselves shunned for any number of weeks deemed appropriate by the church elders.
As she hopped into her buggy and directed the horse down the lane, she glanced over and saw Sam standing on the back porch watching her. She lifted a hand to wave at him but he didn’t respond. And as she drove home, three things troubled her mind. First, she worried that Sam hadn’t fully forgiven her for seeming to usurp his mother’s place. And it was beyond mortifying to her that the child might think she was making a play for his father. Because she wasn’t. Not at all.
Second, she feared her teaching recommendation might now be in jeopardy. And she needed that to secure another position in the fall.
And third, she hoped she hadn’t just created a huge problem for Jesse. After all, she was a young, unmarried woman and innocent to the world. But Jesse was a father and a widower and the bishop might hold him to a higher standard. She didn’t want him to get into trouble because of her. Because she loved them, all she wanted was for him and Sam to be happy.
Maybe it was a good thing the school year was almost over and she’d be leaving town. It was for the best. Wasn’t it? So, why did the thought of never seeing Jesse and Sam again make her feel even worse?
* * *
Except for Church Sunday and a few glimpses on the playground when he was dropping Sam off and picking him up from school, Jesse didn’t see Becca again for two weeks. Two long weeks of worrying about her. He’d wrestled with the idea of going over to her cousin’s farm to speak with her but knew that could only make matters worse. And what would he say to her? That he loved her but couldn’t offer her any promises because of his devotion to his dead wife? Not to mention Sam, who was still missing his mother and sisters too.
And now, the end-of-year program was here. It was the last day of school. After today, Jesse wouldn’t see Becca again. He’d been told that she was leaving in a couple of days. Returning to her familye in Ohio until she could find another teaching position.
Jesse parked his horse and buggy in the main schoolyard, then helped Sam hop down. Other parents were arriving with their kids and they greeted him. He waved, thinking how they had welcomed him and Sam into their community. The men had taken him with them to the livestock auctions and he now had four beautiful draft horses and another milk cow. They’d been kind to him and he felt almost relaxed around them now.
With his head down, Sam walked silently beside him as they entered the schoolhouse. While Sam went to sit at his desk, Jesse stood at the back of the room with the other parents. The bishop was there and gave him a friendly nod, not showing any sign that he was upset with him in the least. Becca stood beside her desk, rifling through some papers. Because he knew her well, the heightened color in her face told him she was slightly flustered. But to everyone else, she looked completely composed and in control.
She set the papers aside on her desk and stood up straight, her hands folded in front of her, a genuine smile on her face. “Guder mariye, scholars.”
“Guder mariye,” the children responded in unison.
Becca looked at the parents. Her gaze clashed then locked with his. In that brief moment of time, he saw what he thought was a painful longing in her eyes. But then it was gone and he thought he must have imagined it.
“Guder mariye, parents,” she said.
As a group, the adults in the room responded in kind, each one looking delighted to be here. After all, this was a culmination of an entire year of hard work and they were happy to see their children’s progress.
“We are pleased to willkomm you to our school and hope you enjoy the program your kinder have prepared for you.” She took a step. “Ach, without any further delays, we will get started. If the scholars will please komm forward.”
In a rehearsed fashion, the children rose from their desks and walked to the front of the room where they stood in a V-shape with the youngest children to the front and the older children in the back. Turning to face them, Becca lifted her hands and hummed a note. Then, she led the students in a German song that Jesse recognized quite well from his own childhood.
As the last note rang out, little Timmy Hostetler stepped forward and recited a poem from memory. His voice sounded soft and shy, with no inflection. And when he finished, he stepped back into place and gave an audible sigh of relief.
The parents in the room smiled. They understood how hard their children had practiced this program and they couldn’t help being pleased.
The scholars sang several more songs in both English and German. Dale Yoder, the eldest boy in the school, served as the vorsinger and set the pitch for each song before the other children joined in. All of the numbers were sung a capella and most were sung very slow, just like at church. The hymns were achingly beautiful, the scholars’ faces sweet and earnest. And when they finished, there was no applause because they didn’t believe in praise. But Jesse couldn’t help reveling in Becca’s success. She was a very good teacher and he couldn’t help feeling proud of her accomplishment. She should feel good about what she’d done this year.
A few skits were shown by the scholars and most made the audience laugh. Tiny pieces of colored paper had been taped to the wooden floor so the children knew where to stand. But there were some moments of confusion when several of the students seemed to be standing in the wrong place. Becca glanced at the papers on the floor, frowned in bewilderment, then quickly redistributed the kids. It became obvious that the colored papers were not in the proper order.
One skit went quite badly when the scholars held up what appeared to be the wrong posters and their props had mysteriously disappeared. Becca quickly stepped in and sorted everything out, handing them new props to use, then stood back and tried not to look perplexed.
A snicker brought Jesse’s attention to the side of the room and he saw Caleb Yoder whispering something to Enos Albrecht. Both boys chuckled, until Becca threw them a warning look. But Jesse couldn’t help wondering if the two boys had hidden the props and changed the order of the posters on purpose, in an effort to cause mischief. Regardless, Becca was right on top of things, setting it all right. It spoke to her professionalism and how well she had planned and knew the entire program by heart. Jesse hoped Bishop Yoder and the other school board members had noticed all of this and took it into account when they wrote her recommendation.
When Sam stepped forward, Jesse’s attention went on high alert. He’d been anticipating this day for months and eagerly waited with bated breath to hear his son speak out loud.
Sam stood at the front, showed a slightly insecure smile and took a deep breath. He glanced first at Becca, then looked directly at his father...and promptly burst i
nto tears.
Before Becca could step forward to comfort the boy, he raced toward the front door. Pushing his way past the walls of bodies, he burrowed through them and fled.
Oh, no! Jesse’s heart gave a giant leap of sympathy as he hurried after his son.
“Excuse me,” he said when he bumped into Jakob Fisher and stepped on someone else’s foot.
They parted the way and he didn’t stop. He had to go after Sam. Just one thought pounded his brain. He must comfort his son and ensure the child was all right. At that moment, nothing else mattered in the world. Not his love for Becca, not anything. Because it was now obvious to Jesse that Sam was upset about his relationship with the pretty schoolteacher. No doubt Sam thought Jesse was trying to replace his mother in his life. And he wasn’t. Jesse couldn’t do that to Sam. Not after all that he had been through. Yes, Jesse loved Becca so very much. But he couldn’t be with her. Not now. Probably never. It was futile to even try. Sam must come first in Jesse’s life. He was the boy’s father and had a duty to love and protect his child above all else. And for that reason alone, their familye unit could never include Becca. Jesse had to accept that now. Because fighting it would mean that Sam would eventually walk out of his life too. And he couldn’t afford to lose any more of his familye members. Not even for Becca.
* * *
Becca watched in horror as Sam ran out of the schoolhouse with his father chasing after him. She couldn’t believe this was happening. First, the colored papers on the floor had been changed, then the props had disappeared and the posters had been rearranged in the wrong order. Since she had checked them right before the program started, it didn’t make sense. Until she heard Caleb and Enos’s muffled laughter. And she had no doubt the two boys had created more mischief. But out of the corner of her eye, she saw Bishop Yoder gazing steadily at his young son and knew she wouldn’t have to do anything about the situation. It was the last day of school and she was finished teaching here. She had no doubt the bishop would take care of his son without her interference. But now, she had another problem. Sam had run from the room in tears and her heart almost broke in two.
Though her heart was racing, she calmly stepped over to Lenore Schwartz, the eldest girl in the school, and gently squeezed her arm as she made her request.
“Keep things going. I’ll be right back,” she whispered.
Lenore nodded stoically and Becca knew she could depend on her. After all, the girl had helped with most of the program and knew it by heart too.
Brushing past the gawking parents, Becca hurried outside to search for Sam and Jesse. She didn’t know what she could do to help, but she had to try.
Out of her peripheral vision, she saw the flash of movement heading back toward the horse barn and followed quickly. One thought clogged her mind. The school board hadn’t reprimanded her in any way or indicated they weren’t pleased with her performance but she feared she wasn’t going to get a good teacher recommendation now. Not after this. Coupled with the bishop finding her at Jesse’s house when she was tutoring Sam, she figured the mistakes of the program might be the final nail in her coffin. And she dreaded returning to Ohio without any future employment options.
No! She mustn’t think like that. She’d promised herself and the Lord that she would have faith. She was determined to put her trust in Gott.
“I... I’m sorry, Daed. It’s all my fault.”
She slowed, recognizing Sam’s voice. The words were spoken quite loudly. Not in Sam’s normally quiet, shy whisper. No, these were the words of a child filled with despair.
She glanced around the corner of the horse barn and saw Jesse sitting on a tree stump. His back was turned toward her as he pulled Sam onto his lap and held the boy close to his chest as he rocked him in his arms.
“Shh, don’t be so upset. Everything’s going to be all right now,” Jesse said.
“I-I-I’m so sorry,” Sam wailed over and over again.
Becca blinked in surprise. Sam had spoken to her several times in a pitiful whisper but he never spoke to his father. Not once since she’d known them. Now, it seemed as if the dam had finally shattered and the boy couldn’t be quieted.
“It’s all right. It’s not your fault,” Jesse soothed.
Becca realized they weren’t talking about the school program at all. They were talking about the house fire. They were talking about guilt.
Pressing her spine against the rough timber of the barn wall, Becca clenched her eyes closed and didn’t fight her own tears. She didn’t want to interfere. Not now. She was too bold. Too outspoken for a proper Amish girl. That was one reason Vernon didn’t want to marry her. As long as Jesse was being kind to Sam, she wanted to leave them alone. She’d said too much already. But she couldn’t leave either. And so, she stayed where she was and listened to their mournful conversation.
“I... I didn’t mean to kill Mamm and Mary and Susanna,” Sam sniffled.
Jesse snorted. “You didn’t kill them. You didn’t.”
“Ja, I did.” The boy groaned and then he spoke in a frenzied rush, as if he were reliving what had happened all over again. “You were gone that night, fighting fire for someone else. I was the man of the house. It was my responsibility to make sure the chores were done and everyone was safe in bed. On my way out to the barn, I found Susanna playing with matches. I got after her and told her to put them away. She said she would and I went outside. I milked the cows all by myself and put the cans in the well house. But when I returned to the house, I saw smoke and flames through the kitchen window. I tried to run inside but it was too hot. I... I couldn’t get to them. I heard Mamm upstairs screaming for Mary but she couldn’t find her. Or Susanna either. And then, before I knew what was happening, the roof caved in. It was awful...”
Sam’s words trailed off on a muffled sob. Becca pressed a hand to her mouth to stifle her own tears. In her mind’s eye, she could imagine everything Sam had described. The horror of that night seemed all too real when she considered what Jesse and Sam had lost.
“Ach, listen to me, sohn.” Jesse spoke gently, his voice firm. “The fire wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t. And losing your mamm and schweschdere wasn’t your fault either. It was no one’s fault. It was a terrible accident, that’s all.”
“But why did Gott let it happen?” Sam asked, his voice trembling.
“Because He gives us our free agency to act, even if it means there might be bad consequences. But that doesn’t mean He doesn’t love us. I want you to let it go now. I want you to be happy, not sad. It’s time we both let it go,” Jesse said.
“But... I miss Susanna and Mary,” Sam sniffled, his words so pitiful that it broke Becca’s heart.
“I know, sohn. I do too. So very much.”
“And I miss Mamm. I wish she’d come back and we could be a familye again.”
“I do too. More than anything else in the world. No one can ever replace her in our lives or in our hearts. We’ll never love anyone the way we loved her,” Jesse said.
Becca turned away, her heart wrenching. She couldn’t listen to any more. She stumbled away, heading toward the school. She bit her bottom lip, ignoring the tears streaming down her cheeks. All of a sudden everything made perfect sense. No wonder Sam had run off when he’d seen Jesse kiss her. No wonder the boy seemed offish toward her that last day when she went over to his house to tutor him. And then, he had raced out of the school during the end-of-year program. Not only did he blame himself for his mother and sisters’ deaths but he thought Becca was trying to take their place. She should have realized it early on but she’d been blinded by love.
Oh, how Sam must resent her. She was his teacher and had betrayed his trust. And Jesse too. He was loyal to his wife. He didn’t want an opinionated schoolteacher like her to usurp his wife’s place. Jesse didn’t love her. His heart was too full of memories and devotion for his wife. He could never love Becca.
Not in the same way. Not as a man should love the woman he was married to. And neither could Sam. Which meant they could never be together. Never be a true familye. It was foolish for her to think they could.
Realizing the awful truth, she stood outside the schoolhouse on the back porch and wiped the tears from her eyes. Jesse and Sam didn’t need her anymore. If what she’d overheard was any indication, the two of them were on the road to healing and forgiving, both themselves and each other. It was a private moment between father and son and she was so happy for them. It appeared that they’d finally reconciled their anger and guilt. But it wouldn’t make a difference for her.
She pushed several stray curls of hair back into her prayer kapp and smoothed her long skirts. This was the last day of school and she was still the teacher. She had a job to do and mustn’t let her students down. She would go back inside, complete her assignments and present the certificates of achievement. And tomorrow, it would all be finished.
She didn’t belong here anymore. Her teaching job was over with and it was time for her to return home to Ohio. And that was that.
Chapter Fourteen
Becca plucked a number of tacks out of the wall and set them aside before rolling up the various posters that had been hanging around the schoolroom. Wrapping a rubber band around each print to keep it from falling open, she stored them on a shelf in the back closet. She wanted to make sure Caroline Schwartz could find them in the fall when she came to set up the room for the new school year.
Becca picked up a bucket of sudsy water and carried it over to the windows. After wringing out a wash rag, she cleaned each windowsill and wiped down all the scholars’ desks. She’d already swept and mopped the wooden floors, swept the ashes from the potbellied stove and cleaned the chalkboard until it gleamed silky black.
Laying her notebooks and pens inside a cardboard box, she checked her desk drawers one last time. She almost laughed when she found the rubber snake again. Someone had put it back in her drawer. Picking it up with two fingers, she threw it away, not wanting to leave it there to scare Caroline half to death when she returned at the end of August. Becca wanted to ensure she had all her things packed and ready to go. She was leaving early tomorrow morning, traveling by bus to Ohio. Anything she left behind would be lost to her.