Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  Tucker flicked his eyes towards me and he smirked. What the fuck? It felt like he was staking a claim, calling dibs on the new toy. I wanted to rip his heart out and hand it back to him. I couldnʼt even explain the feelings that rocked my body at that very moment. I held my beer so tight that I felt like I could smash it with just a little more pressure. Is this what jealousy was? How pathetically human of me. If he touched her in front of me one time, I was going to kick him hard under the table and say it was an accident. I swear I wanted to bust his nuts right there. Realizing I was glaring at Tucker hard, I ripped my gaze off him and chanced a small glance at her.

  Her eyes were on mine. We held a private glance together for just a moment, but a strange calmness rolled in slow waves over my body. I didnʼt know what the hell was happening. I didnʼt know what control this human had over my body, but I knew I couldnʼt give her any more.

  Ethan tapped me on the head with his drumsticks to get my attention. I could barely move. I didnʼt want to leave her here with Tucker. I didnʼt want his hands on her perfect skin. But what could I possibly say or do? I desperately wanted to tell her she reminded me of the love of my existence, and that I needed to be with her, even if it was just for one night. Yeah, how crazy would I look then? I nosily pushed my seat back and stormed toward the stage.

  “What the hell was that look?” Lea asked Grace when she thought I was out of earshot. I didnʼt wait to hear Graceʼs answer. I had to get this girl out of my mind.

  I jumped on the stage and felt the pulse of the crowd. This was my own way of getting high now, my only way to remember how it felt to be invincible.

  I started the set with a nod to Ethan. A tornado of rage burst through my hands as I danced them over the strings of my guitar. The crowd hummed and echoed back the intensity of the melody I threw at them.

  I blasted through each song. Every note I played, every breath I took was a small piece of my soul breaking and smashing beneath the feet of the dancing crowd. Grace’s silver eyes, and the thought of her in the audience watching me from somewhere below me, was a constant thought in the back of my mind. I played like there was a fire ripping through my body, and there was, its name was Grace.

  At the end of one song, Alex motioned to my harp guitar and smiled. I nodded to him and agreed. Lea and Grace appeared near the front of the stage. I gave Lea a wink, because I knew this was her favorite song.

  I ran to the back of the small stage and picked my twelve string up. My fingers moved along the strings before I could even strap it on. I walked to the front of the stage and twisted an intricate melody painlessly from my fingertips.

  I sung the words as if they were they first ever to be whispered into being. I watched Graceʼs face as the emotions bore on her features. Shock, awe, desire, elation, and longing. A surge of pure adrenaline tore through my body, knowing that I put those expressions on her face. Me.

  I locked eyes with her and sang. Sang my heart out. The heat of the spotlights above me burned through my clothes and sweat beaded across my skin. I kneeled down on stage to close the distance between us, my fingers playing my twelve strings like I wanted to play her body.

  Tucker walked up behind her and spun her around to dance with her. His features were so human, terrified of rejection, yet longing, lustful, and greedy. My heart ached; it burned. She was born into this world and I hated that, just like Selah, and I wasnʼt the right one for her either. She was forbidden to me; and her prize in this shitty world would be someone like Tucker.

  We ended the set and were immediately assaulted with bras and panties. I made sure Grace watched me as I grabbed a sexy little bra and held it to my nose. I was done. Iʼve done my time in hell desperate to be with someone I was forbidden from, I couldnʼt let myself spend my eternity here desperate for someone who reminded me of her. To hell with this, I was going to erase her from my mind.

  Jumping off the stage, we were surrounded by a crowd of beautiful women. Two of them piqued my interest. I told them I couldnʼt tell which one was hotter, so I would be taking them both home, if they were good. They giggled. I rolled my eyes in my mind. Of course, they wouldnʼt care, any self-respecting woman would have told me to go home by myself. I guessed these werenʼt self-respecting women. These were the kind of chicks I had to stick with, those I knew would never touch my soul.

  The guys and I sat around our table with a girl on each of our laps. I had my two. Yes, erasing the thought of Grace was what I was going to do. Easy. I was nice and comfortable with the two hotties on my lap, no problem. Then why the hell did I feel like I wanted to run the fuck out of there?

  Conner and Tucker sat down with us, bringing a bucket of ice-cold beers with them.

  Grace sashayed over to our table with a whole bottle of Tequila in her hand. Standing behind her was Lea armed with a handful of shot glasses.

  Her eyes glanced at mine and she gave me a beautiful smile that threatened to melt my heart. I held my two girls tighter and she just shook her head at me, as if I was being a silly boy. Maybe I was, but I wanted to lose interest in her, I wanted to forget her.

  Grace held the tequila over her head. “Okay, ladies and gentlemen here is the first drinking game of the night: Fuzzy Duck!” she announced. “Here are the rules. Everyone starts off taking one shot. Then we pour another. We go around the table and each person has to say Fuzzy Duck. The first person to mess up, takes a shot and around and around we go!”

  Lea held the glasses as Grace poured shot after shot and slid each glass to a person without spilling a drop. Sheʼs done this before, damn that’s kind of hot.

  We played game after game and in a short time, all the blondes were trashed and everyone was feeling happy.

  I tried not to watch Grace, but my eyes kept grazing her lips as she laughed, or noticing how her hair fell over her bare shoulder. How could any man not notice? She was by far the most beautiful at the table, in the whole fucking bar. I was finding it hard to pretend she wasnʼt there. I definitely couldnʼt fathom how I could forget her.

  The girls on my lap seemed to be the drunkest, or were at least pretending to be the drunkest. Maybe chicks thought if they got drunk that would justify all the nasty slutty stuff they would be doing later. Whatever. I hated sleeping with drunken girls and I never did. Who the hell wants to be with someone who could puke on you at any moment?

  One of the girls elbowed the other one off my lap and started doing this little dance for me. It might have been sexy if she wasnʼt acting so slobbering drunk and just trying to show off. The dance wasnʼt for me. It was for everyone else.

  “Holy Strippers, Batman! Are you that desperate to make sure he goes home with you?” Lea called to the girl. I didnʼt even know her name. I just grabbed her legs to try to make her stop.

  The crazy bitch started moaning.

  I looked past the blonde and watched Graceʼs reaction. God forgive me, but I wanted her to care. I wanted her to be pissed off. Nothing. How the hell can this shit NOT affect her?

  “Maybe she just needs a few dollar bills?” Grace said laughing.

  “Ah! Change the porn channel! Youʼre gonna give me an STD over here!” Lea shouted.

  The blonde stood up and shouted back at Lea. “Why donʼt you mind your own business, skank!”

  “Skank? Me? Iʼm not the one giving a lap dance in public to a guy I just met.” Lea jumped to her feet. Maybe Conner would get to see a cat fight after all.

  The blonde must have gotten scared because she backed up into me.

  Lea continued to yell at her, “Donʼt even try, you might find me smacking the slut out of you in a minute!”

  I heard all of it, but all I saw was Grace. She effortlessly jumped in front of Lea, blocking her from fighting. “Letʼs dance, who cares what sheʼs doing.” She gave me a strange sad expression and pushed Lea towards the dance floor as Lea yelled, “Well, I care. My boyfriend is watching it!”

  Tucker and Conner followed them into the crowd laughing.

  The two
blondes tried to sit back on my lap, but I got up. “No thanks, ladies. Youʼre both very beautiful, but youʼre both a little too drunk for my taste.”

  The lap dancer giggled, “I was just pretending. I donʼt get drunk, I just get more awesomer, so itʼs all good!”

  More Awesomer?

  I stared at her in disbelief, “That just makes it worse.” I walked away from her and grabbed my coat and my guitar. I passed Grace dancing with Lea and I sat down at the bar and watched her. Tucker and Conner danced around them, Grace and Lea laughing carefree in the middle. I could have watched her body move all night. I did. I watched the way her hips moved to the rhythm; the way she lifted her hands and ran them through her hair and the way she sang the songs to her best friend. I watched her until she left with Lea and Conner. Tucker followed them out.

  If I believed my prayers would have been heard, I would have prayed that Tucker didnʼt touch her. I knew I had no right to want that, but I did.

  I went home alone. I paced my room; I paced the apartment. Then I decided I was going to go over there and kill Tucker. Okay, I probably wouldnʼt really kill him, but I was insane with jealousy and I needed to see what was happening. How in the world did humans deal with this asinine emotion every day? This jealously crap was going to kill me. I didn’t even know this girl; she just resembled someone. I’m insane, that’s it. I didn’t care. I had absolutely no logical thoughts in my brain. I changed into a pair of black running pants and a dark sweatshirt. I couldnʼt even think straight as I ran through the lobby of my building; all I saw was red.

  As I reached the front doors, Tucker walked through them. He was alone. “Hey, Tuck. Thought youʼd still be at Lea and Graceʼs. What are you doing home so early?”

  He gave me a dejected face and laughed. “I guess she must be one of those nice girls I keep hearing my mother talk about.”

  Relief blanketed my body as I chuckled. “Wow, I thought those girls were just a myth.”

  Tucker looked around me and shrugged. “What the fuck are you doing home already?”

  I shrugged back. “Too much peroxide with that group.”

  Tucker laughed. “Are they all still at the bar? Maybe I could jump in your grave. You mind? You didnʼt do those two chicks yet, did you?”

  “Uh, no. I didnʼt do anybody.”

  “Hell, even after that lap dance? Shit, that got me so horny!” He ran out the door and I watched him walk briskly down the street back towards the bar. I hope Grace doesnʼt fall for him, heʼll just hurt her and then Iʼd really have to kill him.

  Still antsy and full of energy, I left. I walked along the city streets walking in and out of the stores that stayed open all night for the tourists. I sat in a small diner, drank coffee, and chatted with the waiters. When the sun rose, I found myself sitting on Graceʼs stoop wondering if it was too early to ring the bell and ask her to go running with me. Then I decided I was a complete ass and needed to walk away before anyone saw me. Wasn’t I supposed to be trying to get her out of my mind?

  Just as I was about to leave, she came running out and stumbled right over me. “What the hell are you doing here?” she asked giggling. She didnʼt look angry; she actually looked happy to see me. Her smile made my freakin’ knees weaken.

  “I was going for a run. Thought you or Conner would be up for one,” I croaked breathlessly, just from the sight of her. It was as if I was looking at a ghost. Like it was Selah standing right in front of me.

  She laughed with a smile that shamed the sun. “Conner wonʼt be up for a while. Shane, did you even sleep? I only got like three hours.”

  A warm rush of heat ran across my cheeks and forehead. I hoped she never finds out I stayed in the bar and watched her, stayed up all night thinking about her, or waited all morning outside her front door just to be with her. “Nah, Iʼll sleep later. I have too much energy.”

  She smiled wider, “Wow, that must have been a really great lap dance, huh?”

  “Shut up!” I nudged her with my elbow and laughed. I ran, heading for Central Park and started on the same loop as the day before.

  Thankfully, she ran slower and we talked about all the people we passed on our path. We quickly made a game out of it, creating a life for the person, each story funnier than the next. She had a sense of humor like no one I had ever met before. A few times, she had me almost stumbling into trees because I was laughing so hard.

  I ran with her for three hours and I didnʼt want to stop. I followed her up her front steps. Her beautiful sweaty hands held the door open for me and I went right in. We sat together on the couch and laughed while watching the television.

  All along, I thought about how I shouldnʼt be there. I shouldnʼt be next to her, but I was in love with looking at her.

  “Oh, my, God! Did you two just have sex out here? Ewww. Grace! Come on, Shane, really?” Lea yelled when she and Conner walked into the room. They both had the most horrible bed hair. Grace and I laughed.

  Grace placed her hands over her chest and in a sweet southern accent asked, “What? Y’all seriously think we just had sex? Here on the couch?”

  The way her voice sounded and the beautiful innocent expression she gave made me lose complete control of my laughter and I couldnʼt stop. “If you guys look like this after you guys get freaky, thatʼs awesome. But, no, we just came back from a run. I wouldnʼt touch Grace if you paid me. Sheʼs really a man,” I explained to them, choking on my laughter.

  Grace’s smile lit up the room, her eyes dancing with secrets and whispers I desperately wanted to be part of. I softly nudged my hand against her knee to get her attention. Her eyes widened as my fingers brushed against the soft material of her pants, and I heard a low gasp escape through her lips. “Iʼm starving. Grace, you hungry, bro? Iʼll make you breakfast.”

  Her wide eyes narrowed playfully as the look of disbelief shadowed her face. “Are you even capable of pouring cereal into a bowl?” she asked. I can cook almost as great as I am in bed.

  “Are you insulting me?” I laughed.

  “Um. No not really. It was an honest question,” she smiled.

  I walked toward the kitchen and waved her to follow. “Cʼmon. You have to be just as hungry as I am after all that sex, I mean all that running.”

  “Oh, so now you’re saying you do have sex with guys?” she laughed as she threw a couch pillow at me. I couldnʼt stop myself from smiling as she followed me in. We left Lea and Conner in the living room gawking openly at our flirting.

  I rummaged through the refrigerator and all the cabinets, knowing exactly where everything was. There were way too many times I had crashed over at Lea’s and made it up to her by cooking Conner and her a meal. Usually, it was to get away from the other guys partying and their crazy antics. I would just tell the guys I spent the night over at some girlʼs place; they always believed me.

  “So, honestly, why did you think I wouldnʼt be able to cook?” I asked as I settled on making an omelet. I stripped off my sweaty shirt without a thought and started to make her breakfast. I hadnʼt realized that I even took my shirt off until I turned my head around to look at her because she hadnʼt answered me yet. Her eyes were slowly following the flowing designs of my tattoos. I watched them, drinking me in, roaming from the dragon on my elbow to the tribal bands along my arms and traveling across to the dove wrapped in its own broken wings on my shoulder. I never felt more bare in front of a woman before. Completely and utterly naked, down to my soul. It was as if she could read between the inked lines and know my story, my soul out in the open, my fall from heaven. And I wanted it, I wanted this beautiful creature to know my story. To know me. It made a chill run up my spine.

  Her eyes slowly moved further along my skin, inching their way across my chest and down my stomach, and even in this human body filled with my cold dead angelʼs heart, I couldnʼt help but feel hope.

  I placed a plate of food in front of her as a splash of crimson colored her cheeks. “Spinach, mushroom, green pepper and cheese omelet ala
Shane,” I said. “You havenʼt answered me. What is it about me that makes you think I canʼt cook?”

  Grace picked through the omelet inspecting it carefully, tentatively putting a small forkful to her lips. Her shoulders relaxed as she chewed. I guess she thought I was going to poison us both.

  Tilting her head up at me, she said, “You just strike me as a shallow person who gets everything they want from other people. I would have bet youʼve had a different blonde make you breakfast every morning of your life.” Those beautiful lips of hers turned downward as she talked, but not from disgust, from pity. That intrigued me. I never saw anyone look at me in Shane’s perfect body and pity it.

  Trying to keep the conversation light, I laughed. “Well, you are half right. I am shallow. But, I can cook, and honestly, I like chicks with jet black hair better than blondes. Well? Is it good?”

  “Yeah, sure. Thanks. I didnʼt realize how hungry I was,” she mumbled. I was betting that it was the best omelet sheʼd ever had, but sheʼd never own up to feeling that way. At least never to me.

  “So, whatʼs the deal with you? Whatʼs with the intense Shane revulsion? Iʼve never had a girl not jump at the chance with me. Or, wait, are you into chicks?” I teased.

  She graciously played along with my teasing and laughed along with me. “So you think because Iʼm not falling for your crap that I must be a lesbian?”

  “Bi? Maybe just playing hard to get?” I hoped I wasn’t pushing this too far.

  Some sort of flicker of emotion danced behind those eyes. “You really are full of yourself. Brace yourself, Shane, this might be hard to hear,” she teased, “but you just donʼt do it for me. Sorry.”

  That made me want her even more. My soul ached to tell her who I really was. The hairs on the back of my neck prickled with the thought of telling her my secrets, just to see if the real me who was hidden from those soulful eyes, would do it for her. “So, who does it for you then?”