Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  I shrugged. He gave me a deep laugh, “Shane, you look a little green, are you okay? I sort of feel bad for Grace, poor kid. You know heʼs going to do something stupid like he always does and sheʼs going to think heʼs a jerk.”

  “Damn, Ethan. Whatʼs wrong with me? I wanted to go after her and stop her,” I whispered.

  A thoughtful expression shadowed his face. “Shane, Iʼll admit it. Grace is the prettiest girl I have ever seen. But, you have to ask yourself, what do you want from her? Nobody is going to let you hurt her, so donʼt go after her just to sleep with her.”

  “But, I donʼt just want that, thatʼs the fucking problem,” I said.

  Leaʼs head snapped in my direction and her eyes almost bulged out of her pretty little head. Damn, that’s all I need, Lea to know how freaking crazy I am about her best friend. She probably won’t let me in her apartment anymore after this to try to keep me away from Grace.

  I shook my head at her, “Donʼt say anything, Lea. Please.”

  She just gave me a tight smile and looked away. We stayed at the bar for another hour. I didnʼt join in any conversation, or listen to any of them talk. I sat and wondered what it was that was happening to me. I kept looking at the door to see if the archangels Michael or Gabriel were going to show up and yell, “Surprise, this is your punishment phase two, hell on earth!” Complete with angelic bells and whistles sounding.

  When Lea and Conner stood up to leave, she gave me a small nudge. “Hey. Do you want to come back with us? Iʼm sure youʼll feel better when you see how quickly Grace will come back from being with Tucker.” She nodded at me and took my hand.

  I wanted to tell her everything.

  Ethan came back with us and we watched television. Conner and Lea snuggled on the couch with Ethan and me on the chairs on either side.

  Exactly as Lea said, Grace came home five minutes after us. I sat up and almost ran to her, but Lea hissed at me under her breath, “Donʼt Shane. You’ll scare the shit out of her.”

  “Hey,” she said walking through the room, only flicking a small glance at me.

  “Hey, yourself. Where did you and Tucker go?” Lea called after her.

  She got as far as the opening to the hallway and took off her coat; her back to us, “He took me for a ride in his car.” She turned and looked at Lea with a guarded expression, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

  With a concerned face, Lea followed her quickly down the hallway.

  I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that Tucker did something. In a way, I hoped that he showed her what an inconsiderate selfish prick he could be, but on the other hand, I didnʼt want to see Grace get hurt.

  Ethan tapped me on the knee, “You donʼt think Tucker did anything to hurt her or anything, right?”

  “Dude, I was just thinking the same thing. I swear Iʼll kill him, Ethan.”

  Ethan shook his head at me, “Then you do understand why I donʼt want you putting the moves on her either!”

  “Shut up.” I said as I stepped over the coffee table to get past Connerʼs stretched out legs and walked quietly down the hallway.

  Lea was just coming out of her room. “Is she okay?” I whispered.

  “Sheʼs better than anybody I know, she just wants to be alone, literally,” Lea answered. She grabbed my arm in hers and walked me back to the living room. “Shane, you donʼt have to worry about Tucker. Just try to be a friend to her. She’s not ready for anything more from anyone right now. She’ll just push you away. Trust me on this.”

  Ethan and I left a minute later. At least, I knew she was okay and away from Tucker. But how the hell was I just going to be a friend to her, like Lea said?

  A friend. A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. At least thatʼs the definition of it on dictionary.com. A confidant, companion, ally, associate, comrade, partner, mate, pal; I wanted to be it all and so much more. I was so screwed.

  Early that next morning, I left my apartment dressed in my running gear. I knocked on Leaʼs door and waited for her to let me in as she did every morning, with a bright smile on her face and a cup of coffee in her hands. Today, her hair was disheveled and she still wore her pajamas, and there was no coffee in sight. Scary. Not the way Lea looked, just the fact that there was no freakin’ coffee made. In my opinion, not having your morning coffee could be used as a great defense in a murder case. That’s just my opinion though.

  “We slept late! Come in and help me get Conner up and make some coffee!” she said.

  Conner was still asleep, covers over his head, moaning that he needed just five more minutes and then he called me Mom. He’s such a jackhat. I had to help Lea yank his body off the bed. We ended up spraying water on his face to get him to sit up and open his eyes. Torturing him like that, I have to say, was quite enjoyable.

  Lea, in her usual adorable way, knew exactly what she needed to do to keep him awake. She invited him to shower with her. I had to make the damn coffee.

  “Stay for coffee, Shane, but letʼs skip the run today, okay?” Conner laughed as Lea yanked him into the bathroom.

  I chuckled from the kitchen, “Enjoy yourself, Conner!” I waited for the coffee pot to fill up (it felt like a freaking hour), poured myself a cup of coffee, and listened to the two of them singing in the shower.

  When my ears were just about to start bleeding from their awful singing, the most beautiful creature quietly slipped into my sight. She wore a tiny little black tank top and a pair of boy shorts. I gripped the table with my hands and forced my eyes to stay on hers and not leer at every other inch of her bare skin I could find. Trust me, I wanted to look at those gorgeous creamy legs and the way those tiny shorts wrapped themselves around her hips; but I didnʼt. I deserved some sort of a freakin’ medal for it, that’s how damn hard it was. That’s how damn hard I was.

  “Morning, Sunshine!” I said; voice screeching as if I was just hitting puberty. Not embarrassing at all.

  She poured a cup of coffee and stirred in some sweetener. I watched her hands as she made it, burning the memory of how she took her coffee in my mind. Tilting her head shyly at me, she smiled. “Good morning. Um, do you come here for coffee every day?” she asked.

  My legs started nervously tapping against the legs of the table so I stood up and pushed my hands through my hair, trying to straighten my cloudy brain. “We were going on a run, but he slept late. Iʼll be out of your way in a minute,” I explained. Her beautiful eyes sparkled at me and of course, I couldn’t control my mouth, “Unless you feel up for running with me?”

  The horrible singing echoed in the background and she gave me a questioning look in the direction of the bathroom. It made me wonder how she would sound singing in the bathroom, or really how she’d look.

  She smirked as if she could read my damn mind.

  I laughed, “Why the hell are you looking at me like that? No strings attached. Iʼm seriously just asking if you want to go running with me. Nothing else.”

  She pointed to herself, running her fingers quickly across her body. “And youʼre not going to start joking about me standing in front of you with this on,” she asked. Damn, girl. Do you understand how hard it is not to freakin’ look at your body right now?

  God, I wanted to look at where she pointed. I wanted to see all the details I was missing, but I just focused on her eyes. “Well, Iʼm sure youʼll change if you want to go running.” Voice. Cracking. AGAIN.

  Bubbles of laughter burst out of her, “Who are you and what have you done with that male chauvinist pig called Shane?”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “Har, har, har. You coming or not?”

  “Sure. Let me just change.” She turned and walked away.

  I froze and my heart thudded in my throat. Never, never was I ever this aroused before. She walked away, and my eyes dropped to the creamy skin of the perfect roundness of her ass peeking out from the bottom of her shorts. Her long, dark, silky hair fell in a sexy mess that draped over her shoulders
and back. My mouth went dry, and a soft muffled sigh escaped my lips.

  When she was fully out of my sight, I ran to the kitchen sink and splashed icy cold water over my face. Conner and Lea continued their screeching melodies in the shower. I thought about garbage, dead people, hell; anything to erase the most perfect backside I just witnessed. I needed to get this girl out of my system before she killed me.

  Grace met me in the living room, dressed for running. I still saw her half naked. I opened the door for her and started stretching without a glance in her direction.

  We ran for two hours in beautiful silence. Just the sound of her breath next to me was all I needed.

  We ended the run by her apartment and she held the door open for me, walked straight to the refrigerator and threw me a bottle of water.

  There was a subtle shimmer in her eye. “Iʼm going to take a shower,” she said and left me standing alone in the kitchen. I stood there like an idiot for a minute trying to decide what I should do. Do I just leave? Jump in the shower with her? Maybe stay and make her something to eat? We left to run without having anything but coffee this morning.

  I leaned heavily on the counter, trying not to imagine her with a soapy lather all over her body. I busied myself making a lunch for us. I made turkey wraps with an olive salad. Then I sat and waited.

  Twenty minutes. Chicks and their long showers, I don’t get it.

  Thirty minutes. Isn’t she going to be all pruney by now?

  One hour. The shower still ran. What. The. Hell.

  An hour and thirty minutes. Thereʼs no way there was warm water for that long in a building this old. I walked into the hallway to knock on the door to see if she was okay.

  Before my knuckles could rap on the door, I heard the pipes squeal and the water shut off. I leaned against the wall by the kitchen, waiting to see if she was okay. She came out wrapped in a towel, shaking; water dripping from her hair. Her skin looked almost blue, but her eyes were red from crying. She looked lost. Haunted. I couldnʼt hide the look of surprise on my face even if I tried. There was so much more to Grace than I knew about, and the more I got to know, the more I opened my heart for her.

  “I made lunch, if youʼre hungry,” I whispered. I wish I could take away your pain.

  Her cheeks colored, making her look alive again. “Yeah, sure. Iʼll be right there.” If only I was still an angel. Then I would have the power to take away her pain. I would never regret loving Selah, but I would always regret not fighting my punishment harder and not being able to be an angel any longer.

  Five minutes later, she came into the kitchen. Her hair was still wet and she wore a purple shirt that made her eyes turn lavender. Selahʼs used to do the same. I cringed at the thought that I could ever compare someone to her. Selah was gone, and I would never have the honor of feasting my eyes on hers again.

  “Sorry, I took so long. I really didnʼt think you were going to stay,” she said hunching her shoulders. She looked like a little girl that got caught doing something wrong.

  I laughed, but the sound had an edge to it that I couldnʼt hide. “Is that why you took so long, so Iʼd leave? All you have to do is ask me to, Grace. I just thought after a two hour run on an empty stomach, you would like some food.” This poor girl must think so little of me. Why did I have to end up in a worthless piece of shit’s body?

  She rolled her purple eyes at me. “No, ass. I didnʼt stay in there because of you. Not everything in this world revolves around you, you know. And thanks, I am starving,” she said sitting down.

  I was confused by her quick change of character. She was hiding stuff from me and I didnʼt understand what or why. But, hell, I wanted to figure her out.

  “Will you be joining me or are you just here to watch me eat? Itʼs pretty good, by the way,” she smiled warmly.

  I just stood there frozen and watched her eyes. I wanted to say so many things at that moment. I wanted to tell her everything I could about me, about my punishment, about hell. I wanted her to know exactly how much she looked like someone I gave up everything for, and how, without a doubt in my soul, I would do it all again.

  Then she started choking on the food. I ran over to her. “Are you okay? Is it that bad?” What the hell? I didn’t know what the first thing to do to help someone if they were choking.

  She burst out laughing, and wiped her eyes. “Oh God, Shane. Itʼs delicious. Iʼm choking because youʼre sitting there, staring at me like the taste of your turkey wrap depends on your life.”

  I tried my best to muster up a laugh and sat down to eat. I’m freakin’ losing it. This girl is just too much like…

  “Man, you made my eyes tear up,” she sighed.

  “Those are such gorgeous eyes, there should never be tears in them,” I whispered. Shit, shit, shit! I shouldn’t have said that. “Your purple shirt is reflecting into them, and itʼs making them look lavender.”

  She threw her head back and laughed. “No wonder you were staring at me like that. Yeah, I can change my eye color if I wear certain colors, but most of the time, they are dull gray.”

  It was my turn to choke on my food. Was she kidding me? “Grace, there is nothing dull about those eyes. And youʼre right, this shit is delicious. You’re welcome.” We ate the rest of our lunch in silence. When we finished, she helped me clean as if we were a well oiled machine. I got my coat and my bag with all my running gear inside and I started for the door. I didnʼt want to leave though; I wanted to spend more time with her. “Have anything planned today?” I asked.

  “No, not really,” she said looking everywhere but in my eyes.

  “I was just going to play around at the studio, wanna come?” Come on, Grace, say yes. I need to play you the song that you, without even knowing, inspired me to write. It’s the only damn way I can possibly tell you what is going on in my mind right now.

  “Studio?” She looked curious.

  “Yeah, we have a sound proof studio apartment. That’s where we practice every day,” I explained.

  Her pupils dilated and the biggest smile Iʼd ever seen fell across her face. Shit, she was breathtaking. “How many apartments do you guys have?”

  “Tuckerʼs father owns the building. We get them for low rent and all of us chip in anyway. So, do you want to hang out?” I asked again.

  Grabbing her coat, she nodded to me. “Tucker and his family seem like they have it all, huh?”

  Tucker was an assbag, why the hell was she asking about him? I hated him right then. The thought of her with him made my skin crawl. I knew something had to have happened between them last night, I just hoped it wasnʼt anything serious. “Yeah, Tucker has it all,” I said flatly.

  We started our walk to my apartment with her hair still a little wet from her shower. She didnʼt seem to be bothered by the coldness of the icy air; she seemed to welcome the shivers it brought. Or maybe they were being caused by her thoughts of Tucker. Holy crap, this girl is making me want to murder one of my best friends in his sleep. Man up, Shane, and get a grip. She’s just another hot chick. Spend some time with her. Try to be her friend. Then bag her. Easy.

  “Did you have a good time with Tucker last night? I saw you left the bar with him,” I asked her softly pulling on her coat sleeve.

  She looked up to me, but didnʼt look me in the eyes, “Yeah, he took me for a drive.” Shit, he has a jaguar. Did she like him for all his flashy toys and money? A gold digger? Yeah, that’s it. I nailed it.

  “So, do you like him?”

  She clenched her teeth and cringed. Then she hesitated for a few seconds before asking me, “What? Why are you asking me these questions?”

  “I was just wondering. Thatʼs all. You just didnʼt look too happy with him sitting at the bar last night. I was surprised when you left with him.” Why the hell can’t I shut up?

  She stopped walking, looked up at me, and stared straight into my eyes. Holy crap, did that make my pulse race.

  “What do you mean?” Her voice was soft and wonder
ing. Damn, I wanted that voice to call out my name because I was deep inside her making her feel things she never felt before.

  “It was the way you responded to him,” I stammered.

  “Shane, what the hell are you talking about? How did I respond to him?” Her eyebrows gently pulled together as she waited for my answer.

  I tried to feign indifference by looking away. I looked up at the sky, swept my gaze along the street and then looked back to her. Ah, might as well tell her. “He put his hand on the small of your back and you squirmed away from him each time he did. It looked like you were going to drink the whole bottle of Jack when he started rubbing his thumb on your back. The worst was when he touched your face, you cringed, yet you left with him.” I sighed and looked down at my feet, “I just didnʼt understand it at all.” WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING? Just write WUSS across my forehead in permanent marker. Smack a sign on my ass that says WHIPPED. I needed to staple my mouth closed.

  “Strikes me as strange that you would notice all those things that you say I did. But, really who I go home with isnʼt any of your business. I donʼt ask you about all the girls you take home.”

  “You can. I donʼt hide anything.” I would tell you that I havenʼt been with anyone since the night I met you. Iʼd tell you that I donʼt want anyone but you. Then I would probably toss myself into the East River.

  “Shane, I would probably get pregnant from you just telling me the things you did,” she laughed.

  Shit. This is not how I wanted this conversation to pan out.

  She started walking again. No more words passed between us. I pulled her arm towards my front door when we reached my building. I held the door open for her and led her to our basement studio with my hand gently on her back.

  Thankfully, Ethan was there, sitting behind his drums twirling his sticks between his fingers. I had no idea how to talk to this girl, how to be alone with her. Even though I shared Shaneʼs memory, I didnʼt share in his outgoing comfortable way with women. Shane never had a serious relationship memory, he was shallow and when his soul was here, he was far worse than Tucker. I was surprised that his friends never asked about the huge difference in his personality change when he left and I came in. Maybe they chalked it up to him quitting his drug habit cold turkey. Little did they know that he didnʼt. Theyʼd never know how he overdosed in one of the bathroom stalls in Boozerʼs with some girl heʼd gotten high with. They would definitely never know how he did it on purpose, swallowing an entire bottle of Oxycontin before shooting up heroin, as the drunken girl lying next to him giggled. He killed himself by overdosing on purpose, when he could have been someone amazing. He didn’t deserve to be on this earth, there was no way anyone could save that soul. Lucky me though, my soul got thrown into his body, yea me…wooowhooo. This human life sucks.