Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  I sulked all the way home. I locked myself in my bedroom, ignoring everyone who knocked on my door and listened to my iPod at an earsplitting volume. Every song reminded me of her. Every song.

  I paced my room, panicking. My anger grew and grew until I felt like my forehead was going to explode from the pressure. How the hell was I supposed to get off this rock? There was nothing left for me here.

  I stormed into the studio at a quarter to eleven and waited. The guys came in after me, watching me suspiciously, just waiting for me to blow.

  At exactly eleven o’clock Grace opened the door to the studio. She didn’t have her guitar. My gut twisted, this was it. I watched her walk in and shoot a small glance at Ethan, then smiled shyly at him. Of course, the douchebag gave her a ‘I know what you look like naked because I banged you smile.’ They didn’t kiss hello, which surprised me, because if I had just spent the night with her, everyone would know she was mine.

  “There’s our gorgeous girl!” Alex called out from behind his keyboard running out from behind it to grab her in a hug and swing her around like a little kid. It made my heart ache, that everybody was allowed to love her in their own way but me.

  “Yea! Your casts are off,” she cheered when he let her go. God, she was so damn beautiful when she smiled.

  “Yeah, yesterday. Grace, my love, you look hotter than ever,” he laughed. Yeah, Alex, she does.

  “Fine. Let’s get this shit over,” I murmured as I stood up from the couch I was sitting on. I walked forward folding my arms across my chest. “Yeah, so Alex is back. We really don’t need another guitarist.”

  Silence and glares bitch-slapped me back in the face. But not from Grace, from Grace came a sad smile and a nod, as if she agreed with me.

  “Whoa, what the hell?” Alex asked. “Dude, I’ll be only on keyboard now, Grace does guitar, she blows me outta the water anyway.” He gave her a wink, “Did you like when I said you blow me, that part?” Great, now I’m picturing her blowing Alex AND Ethan.

  She winked back at him, smiled and gave him an eye roll. She was going to be the death of me.

  Brayden walked over closer to Alex and they both glared at me, “Yeah, this is stupid. Let’s just get to practice so we can set up a gig at Boozer’s, it’s been weeks, dude.”

  Screw this crap, I’m just going to say it. I hooked my guitar strap over my shoulders and hung my guitar in front of me. I locked my eyes onto hers. My stomach rolled, but I wanted to have my say anyway. I was angry, I was lost, and I was completed heartbroken. “Yeah, well we got rules in this band. Nobody can sleep with another band member, so Alex stays on guitar and keyboard.” I held her stare, waiting for her to break, to shatter, to fall to pieces from my words. Anything! Tell me you didn’t sleep with him, tell me you’re still Selah and I didn’t lose everything for nothing, tell me you remember me, tell me love me even though I’m not an angel any more. Tell me I’m enough as the damaged man I am.

  Alex’s eyebrows pulled together, “Dude, I haven’t slept with any one of you motherfuckers. You’re the pretty boy who was in jail for five fucking weeks, Sir Fuckmebung.”

  “I didn’t sleep with any one of you guys either,” Brayden called out. “Now can we just play?”

  Grace kept her silver eyes locked on mine. “Um, I think Shane is talking about me.” The room stilled. Then all eyes were on her and mouths dropped to the floor, including mine. “Well, now that that’s settled…I really did have a blast playing with you guys, and Alex,” she snapped her eyes away from mine and looked to Alex. “Anytime you want to bring your guitar over to my place, I would love to play with you. I’ll probably see you guys at the bar sometime.” Then she turned on her heels and walked out of the studio and down the hall as if she didn’t just stab me in the heart, twist the blade and lick it fucking clean in front of all my damn friends. I gagged back vomit.

  The studio door wasn’t even fully closed yet and Alex was yelling, “Which lucky son of a bitch got to tap that perfect ass?”

  I grabbed at the microphone in front of me, switched my guitar on and started playing and singing. Bloodhound Gang’s Ballad of Chasey Lain. I just changed the words and kept the same rhythm, but I knew she would know the song. I was no longer in control of myself. At all.

  Hey Grace Taylor

  I’m singing this for you

  Before your next screw…

  Oh, but the chorus, the chorus I screamed…

  I bet you had a lot dick Gracie

  But you ain’t had mine…

  “What the hell, Shane?” Ethan said as he ran out of the studio after her.

  “Yeah, go run to her, Ethan! Go make her feel better!” I screamed. Yeah, then dumbass me tore my guitar strap off my body, tossed my guitar on the floor and went to run after them.

  Alex and Brayden rushed me and tossed me to the floor before I could get to the door. Alex had me in a headlock, “Shane, what the hell is going on with you? Who lit the fuse on your tampon? Calm it down! You’re acting like a crazy jealous girlfriend.” I didn’t stop though. I jumped up and continued walking towards the door with Alex swinging from my neck. “Brayden, a little freaking help here!”

  Brayden lunged at me and wrapped his arms around my legs causing the three of us to fall over each other and land heavily on the floor. Brayden kicked at my shin, “Oh my God, you are acting like Tucker right now, dude.”

  “Yeah, Shane I totally agree with Bray right now. What the hell is going on with you? Damn it, Shane, are you back on drugs? Because, I swear to God if you are, I will personally kick your ass out of this band, all the way to rehab. I’ll call your freakin’ mother, this time,” Alex snapped.

  “No!” I dismissed his stupid question rolling my eyes. “Are you kidding me? I haven’t used anything in months. Want me to piss in a cup?”

  Pushing them off, I stood up and wiped my hands on my pants. “Did you ever stop to think about what the hell it might be like to go to jail because all your friends think you’re a piece of shit? And it doesn’t help anything, that I’m fucking in love with her.”

  They both gasped out loud, jaws hitting the floor.

  Ah crap. That wasn’t supposed come out of my mouth.

  Alex reached out to me theatrically then pulled his asinine hand back to touch his throat then his lips. Then he pointed to me, with even greater theatrics, eyes all wide, “You…you said the L word.”

  “Oh, shut up. It doesn’t make a damn difference anyway. She doesn’t even freakin’ like me.” I said stomping out of the studio.

  I walked out of the building only to see Ethan and Grace smiling at each other and talking on the sidewalk. I walked past them without saying a word. There was nothing left to say. Yeah, I was a dick. But I also was an angel and I gave that up for her.

  Chapter 19

  I walked right to Central Park and tossed myself heavily on a bench. I sat there until I noticed jet-black hair pulled back tightly in a high ponytail and the scent of the sweetest wildflowers run right past me. She bolted down the runner’s path without a glance my way and I watched her until she was a tiny spec along the path and the evergreens obscured my view.

  Ten minutes later, I found myself locked in my bedroom with Lea knocking on my door threatening to unhinge my door if I didn’t let her in. She was relentless.

  I opened the door not even two inches wide and peeked at her through the small opening. “I’m not up for talking, Lea.”

  “Great, you sexy shithead, because all I want you to do is listen. I’ll talk s-l-o-w,” she snapped. Then she shoved her tiny little body through the door, which caused it to smack right into my head with a sickly thud. “You deserve that, maybe it will knock some sense into that gorgeous empty head of yours.”

  She dove right onto my bed and cuddled up in my blankets. “How many girls have you had in this bed, Shane?”

  I gave her a sad smile and kicked at the foot of my bed. “It was only Grace until the second you threw yourself on there. What in the
world would Conner think?” I teased her.

  She giggled in the way that only Lea does and sat up. “Conner would think you skipped the vaccine they were handing out against dumb-ass-ness. Listen, Studley Maxton, I am definitely on your bed but don’t let you mind wander, it’s far too small to be out there all by itself,” she quipped.

  I forced out a laugh, “You’re brilliant. Where do you get all this shit from?”

  “Grace,” she replied simply.

  Collapsing on the end of my bed, I sighed heavily. “What are you doing here, Lea. I’m really not in the mood for your banter; I have too many problems to figure out right now. I don’t want anymore.”

  “Okay, so let me guess. You are just going to ignore what’s going on. Kick her out of the band and that’s it? What, get drunk tonight, forget about her with some other skanky girl?”

  “It’s unbelievable how many problems go away by simply ignoring them and getting drunk. You should try it,” I sighed.

  “So, I have no choice but to follow along with both your issues and bullshit and watch the two of you destroy each other over and over again?” Lea asked.

  “God, Lea. I’m so freaking in love with her it’s going to literally kill me, I actually feel the pain of my broken heart. How do people live through this? She slept with my best friend after I gave up everything for her.”

  Lea nodded her head and slowly got off the bed. Walking to the door, she stopped just before she opened it. “You fucked half of Manhattan, Shane. Get over yourself. If you don’t tell her who you are, everything that the both of you ever went through is worth nothing. And you’ll be the one that’s throwing it all away.”

  She slammed the door behind her.

  So, straight to the bar I went.

  Making myself comfortable at a table all by myself, I ordered a beer and a burger. I had five minutes of peace before one of the barfly’s named Marie slithered next to me, and before even saying hello, rubbed her hands under the back of my shirt.

  “I’m not in the mood.”

  “Since when is Shane Maxton not in the mood?”

  “Since I first laid eyes on you.”

  “Don’t be a dick, Shane.”

  “But that’s what I am, Marie. That’s exactly what I am.”

  Unfortunately, she stayed by my side and talked my ear off for I don’t even know how long. She tried playing with my hair. She showed me how she performs oral sex with my bottle of beer. She took my phone and downloaded a bunch of stupid free apps. I ignored everything. I just focused on getting the hell out of this place and forgetting about Grace. She made her choice. I had to forget about Grace. Then it hit me how impossible that was because she was in every fiber of my being, she’s tattooed on my soul. Always was and always will be.

  I left Marie in mid-sentence and sauntered off to the bathroom. I didn’t know how many drinks I had at that point, but I was really buzzed and I didn’t think I could handle seeing anyone else. However, when I walked out of the bathroom, Conner, Lea and Alex were sitting at my table waving to me. Brayden and Ethan were at the bar talking to Ryan. Grace wasn’t there yet. Damn, now I had to stay.

  Okay, time for my game face. She was coming here, Lea is going to call her, and I knew it. Time to fucking pretend that this shit wasn’t killing me. I couldn’t start flipping tables and throwing people off her like I was her avenging angel.

  I sat down hard on the wooden chair and gripped the table until my knuckles whitened and my fingertips ached. God, get me through this.

  “You know, dude, I can drive you to the insane asylum before you throw yourself off a bridge,” whispered a voice blowing hot in my ear.

  I jumped at Alex’s words and whirled around to face him, “What the hell? You scared the shit out of me, you dick. Why the hell are you all up in my ear whispering to me?”

  “Well, I apologize, you miserable, whining, self-loathing pussy. I was sitting right next to you here, calling your name for a few minutes, but you looked like you were lost in Poor Me Land.”

  “Whatever, bro. I’m fine. I have no clue what you’re talking about…”

  And even though I warned her, Marie kept trying to change my mind about tonight’s lack of sex-capade plans. She sat on my lap and softy pecked kisses all over my neck and chin. I kept my hands off her by leaning one arm over the back of an empty chair and the other hand peeling the label off my beer, one long strip at a time; my new drinking pastime.

  I was vaguely aware of the conversation that was spilling out around the table around me. Alex sat on one side of me crooking his finger down the front of one of the waitresses’ shirts as she giggled. Brayden, Ethan, Conner, and Lea sat across from me and were talking in some heated conversation about another band, Vixen4, with their hands flailing about. Tucker, like the dog he was, was sitting drunkenly ogling Marie and poking her arm to get her attention. I tried four different times to get her to sit on his lap instead of mine, but she said she wanted to hear me sing later. That wasn’t happening. The smell of her damn perfume was choking me.

  Snapping me out of my funk, I felt a slight tingling feeling at the back of my neck and I knew. I knew Grace was there. With knee high black stiletto heeled boots, tight low rise hip hugging jeans, halter top, wild jet black waves and lipstick the color of deep red wine, she sauntered into the bar.

  I started to hyperventilate. Crap, just kill me now.

  “Wow, now that’s a beautiful sight right there. Hel...lo, Grace,” Tucker called out to her. Everybody turned their head to look at her.

  She glanced at me quickly and looked away. The knife plunged in again. Which caused my mouth to vomit up bullshit, and so I found myself lifting my beer to her, “Hey look who it is, boys, the Holy fucking Grail of Pussies.” Wow. I. Am. Drunk. But, I gave her my best smile.

  Alex reached over and shoved me on the shoulder, “What the fuck is your problem today, jackhole? Sit down, Grace, and don’t mind Shane, I think he’s on the rag.” He looked me straight in the eyes, “Here’s another L word for you, Shane, LOSER. Oh, here’s another, LONELY.”

  Lea pulled over a chair for her and sat her right across me, so I did what any mature man who once was an angel would do; I shoved my tongue down Marie’s throat. The L word sucked.

  Grace gasped, which made me stop because it confused me. I knew she couldn’t have cared less who I kissed, right?

  The waitress who was hanging all over Alex stood up, “Hey, Grace, what can I get you tonight?”

  Marie tried to continue our kiss, but I spoke right into her mouth to the waitress. “Mind Erasers with straws, Mollie. And keep them coming, it’s time to play a game.” I drunkenly stood up, while the bar spun, and Marie fell to the floor and yelped. I looked down at her and laughed, “Whoops, psf. Better sit in your own seat, Marie, this shit is going to get wild.” She had pink lipstick all over her face, which made me laugh harder until I locked eyes with Grace again.

  “Marie, wow.” Grace looked me dead in the eyes smiling. “Shane, I’m impressed, usually you don’t ever get their first names. She must be special.”

  Okay, I way over thought my ability to speak correctly when all I could reply was, “Gah.” Like it was a serious statement.

  Tucker burst out laughing, “Yeah, for tonight at least. Right, Shane!” He slapped his hands against the table. “Hey, Grace, you need someone special for tonight?” I might punch him in the nuts later. It was way too heavy to lift up my hands to him right now.

  Ethan stood up, walked behind Tucker laughing, and smacked him in the back of his head. “Shut the hell up, are you freaking twelve? Haven’t you hit puberty yet, did anyone ever teach you how to speak to women?” he laughed.

  Gah. Yes, that was my thought, again. Ethan is being all sweet and shrivelous…shrivelous? That’s not the right word. Chivalrous? All knight-and-shining-armourish. The fuck do I know. Backstabbing best friend. “How freaking sweet, Ethan’s protecting the Holy Grail,” I snapped.

  “Oookay!” Lea cut everybo
dy off. “What drinking game are we playing?” She gave me that bugged eyed stare of hers that said, ‘shut the eff up.’

  Perfectly timed, Mollie placed a Mind Eraser in front of me and I swiped it off the table. Okay, it was in front of Alex but she didn’t give me mine fast enough and I needed it more. “We’re going to play a little game called Answer This. Rules are, you get to ask anyone a question and they either have to answer TRUTHFULLY, or if you’re a pussy and don’t want to answer, you have to drink your Mind Eraser. Whole damn thing through the straw.” I stared straight at Grace, “And no fucking lies.” I sipped my drink, which somehow spilled all over my hands and Marie. Whoops.

  Alex raised his hands, “Oh, me first, and this is to everyone at the table. Okay, answer this...Where is the craziest place you have ever had sex?”

  That’s a stupid question. I wanted to know why Grace didn’t fucking want me anymore. I wanted to know why she banged Ethan while I was in jail, for her! I rolled my eyes (for a minute I thought I was going to actually pop them out of my head because they were so drunk. I mean I was so drunk; fuck it, I don’t know what I mean. All I knew was that Grace was mean.) I sat back down while everyone went down the line giving their stupid answers.

  “Bathroom,” Brayden said.

  “A fast food ball pit in the kid’s play area,” Alex laughed answering his own question. Everybody moaned. “What?” He said red in the face. Oh God, yeah I remember that. It was so gross, balls were everywhere.