Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  Conner and Lea both giggled and said, “Ferris wheel.” Gah, I remembered that too.

  When it was my turn, Alex laughed and said, “Please do not say jail cell, because I’ll piss myself right here, dude.”

  “Shut up,” I laughed, took a deep breath, looked at Marie and flat-out lied, “My answer is probably going to change later, but right now, fire escape.”

  “Boozer’s bathroom,” Marie giggled.

  “Car,” Tucker said.

  “Park,” Ethan whispered.

  When it came to Grace’s turn, I struggled to stay seated across from her. Nervous anxiety, raw and carnal, made my heart beat skip and stutter. Her eyes locked on mine, then she leaned forward, wrapped her perfect plump little lips around the straw, and drank her entire drink. She didn’t give an answer.

  The rosy blush that reddened her cheeks made it hard to try to look away from her. The strange thing was, she didn’t try to look away from me either. The staring contest made my blood beat faster. My body shuddered, absolutely unable to look away from her gaze. Those silver eyes of hers were stunning. Stunning. Stun-NING.

  “Hey, I got a question! When did you lose your virginity?” I heard Marie ask the table giggling.

  Brayden started the round of answers again. “With these guys as my friends in high school, I was lucky if I got a girl even to look in my direction,” he laughed. “I was seventeen, and deprived because of these idiots!”

  “Yeah, seventeen here too! Prom night. It took like two seconds, that poor girl.” Alex laughed.

  Conner and Lea both took their shots.

  “Sixteen,” I answered.

  “I would have done all of you if we went to the same high school. I was fourteen.” Marie giggled.

  “Twelve,” Tucker bragged.

  “Bullshit, you’re probably still a virgin!” Ethan laughed. But he didn’t offer an answer for himself and just drank his shot.

  Grace’s eyes still stared into mine. She drank her shot. Holy alcoholics anonymous! Is she freaking trying to get plastered and why the hell is the bar spinning faster?

  About that time, Marie started to slide her hand along my leg under the table. I didn’t want to break eye contact with Grace, so I just grabbed at Marie’s hand and squeezed until she yelped. Sorry, but my junk might seriously fall the eff off it I stuck it in her. Crap, now, I’m having inner dialogue in my head and I sounded like Lea.

  I had no idea what the next question was because I was drowning in the silver oceans across from me. I just answered with, “Silver.” Everybody looked at me and laughed. Idon’tcarethisisn’tatest.

  Grace drank another shot. Her eyes wobbled a bit. She’s just as tanked as me. I should stand up and tell her I love her. Show her my wings, oh yeah, they’re gone.

  “Okay, okay…I got one for the beautiful Grace Taylor, who hasn’t answered a thing here tonight and is getting so drunk that Tucker might start looking good to her,” Alex teased. “How many people have you slept with, and is there ANYONE AT THIS TABLE you might LIKE with a capital L, AND have you and Lea ever licked kitties? Please tell me yes.”

  Grace slurped her drink up and Conner threw something across the table at Alex, but it went so fast I couldn’t see what the hell it was. Looked like a duck. I swear it had freaking wings. Not like me, I ain’t got wings. Nope.

  When I focused my eyesight back to Grace, she was still looking at me but now she was biting that bottom lip of hers and I lost it. I didn’t know what the hell took possession of my body but something did and I jumped out of my seat, slammed my hands down on the table (mostly because I could not stand up correctly) and had a damn tantrum. Yeah.

  I believe what I tried to say was, “The point isn’t to get fucking smashed, Grace! Be fucking HONEST!” The words all slurred together and I kind of sang it to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star. So. What. We were all drunker than drunk. Me, reigning king of all drunkards.

  Grace just sucked on the straw, with her eyes locked on mine, until it made that slurpy nothing is left on the bottom sound and smiled, “Is that what the point is, Shane?” Then she threw the straw at me.

  Holy sweet mother of Mind Erasers. I jumped out of my seat again. When the hell did I sit back down? I dunno. Anyway, I jumped out of my seat again. “My turn for a question!” I yelled. My body shook, and swayed to the right, and left. I held onto the table for dear life. “Answer this, Grace, how was it to fuck Ethan? While you’re at it, answer this, while you were fucking Ethan, did you think about that ex-boyfriend of yours that you loved so damn fucking much you couldn’t be with me? Remember Grace? The night you told me about him while your hands were wrapped around my dick!” I slammed my palms against the table and spilled my drink across the top of it. Then I slumped back and Alex, great friend that he is, caught me and shoved me back up into a standing position. That was awesome of him. AWEsome.

  Everybody fell silent. Um, crap, I can’t believe that just flew out of my mouth. Lea dropped her head in one of her hands and grabbed for Grace under the table with another hand. Conner called me a drunken idiot, like I didn’t know this information about myself already.

  Grace sat up straighter and then leaned forward toward me. “I don’t know how it is to fuck him, Shane, because I did not fuck Ethan. I have never slept with anyone, actually. I was saving myself for that ex-boyfriend...he was in...um…jail, but when he got out, he didn’t want me anymore and he left me.” Harsh vibrant streaks of crimson tore through her flawless ivory skin. I fell back into my seat as if she just slapped me across the face.

  Ethan leaned across the table at me, “Seriously, bro? You think I would do that to you? I know how you feel about her. Stop screwing it up, Shane. You love her,” he whispered.

  I almost threw up, right there in front of everyone.

  “Well, good evening there, Bruce McHardon, would you like to come out and meet the prettiest little virgin in the world? Grace, please, please, please, may I have your V-card. I will take such good care of it, I promise.” Alex said, first addressing his lap then looking up towards Grace.

  Grace smiled at him and laughed sarcastically, “Thanks, Alex, but I’m pretty sure I’ve just been royally fucked over, so I’m good for now. Thanks.”

  Yep. I almost threw up right in front of everyone. Again.

  “There’s no way you are a virgin! Like, you’ve never been with a guy before? What do you do?” Marie asked, laughing at Grace. Oh damn, this is getting worse. Don’t throw up, don’t throw up.

  Grace locked her stare back on me again. Oh my God, I am so in love with her. “I’ve been with guys, just not full blown sex. And what do I do? Well, one of my best friends is a vibrator. It goes from Oh Yeah, to Who the Hell Needs a Man in ten seconds flat.” She turned her gaze on Marie, “You should try it, Marie. In the long run, it’ll be a lot less heartbreaking than Shane can be.”

  Can’t. Open. My. Mouth. I will vomit.

  Tucker jumped up, stumbled around the table and drunkenly threw an arm around Grace, “Grace, you’re so beautiful. Please don’t give Alex your V-card. I took you to Masa, Grace! We could go there again and get that champagne you love, and then we could get a room at any hotel in the city.” She flung his arm off her and her eyes darkened with fury.

  “Oh, wow. Hmm...um...I rather stick burning hot pokers in my eyes and eat crap, but thank you so much for the offer, Tucker. It was so kind of you, seriously,” she said through clenched teeth. So in love with her.

  Ethan smiled at Grace, “Well, I think it’s pretty damn amazing.”

  Alex grabbed onto one of Ethan’s shoulders, “Amazing? Dude, that’s the hottest thing ever. Oh my God, do you remember when she wore those little pink teddy bear pajamas?” He licked his lips looking at her, “Grace, my love, we need to create the most epic experience for you...”

  With a roll of her eyes she stood up. She wobbled a bit; I seriously thought she was drunker than I was. She rested her hands down on the table trying to stand straight. “Wel
l, thank you everyone. Why the fuck don’t ya’ll just...just continue the discussion of my vir..viginny…ginity, because in no way would that be, let’s say, uncomfortable or embarrassing in any way to me. E...specially in front of Hot Pink Lips there,” she slurred, pointing to Marie.

  She pushed her chair in and moved backwards. “You guys can all take a vote on who I should hand my V-card to. There’s no problem with that, right, Shane?” She shoved the table at me a bit. It didn’t move much, but she tried. “Since I’m not in the fucking band anymore, right? I can fuck any one of these guys. Right? That’s not a problem for you, right?”

  Oh shit. I think she’s mad at me. Now she knows how I felt when I thought she was giving it to Ethan. But, I couldn’t say anything to her. For one, the opening of my mouth would cause me to puke and two, well, I had been a complete and utter douche to her and I deserved all her anger and more.

  “Fuckasstard!” She screamed at me. Yep, I deserved to be called that, whatever that is.

  Marie giggled drunkenly. “What’s a fuckasstard, Virgin?”

  Oh, I wish one of the girls would shut that chick up. But seriously what is a fuckasstard?

  Grace leveled her eyes on Marie. Holy Mind Erasers, this is the drunkest conversation I ever watched. “It’s a fucking asshole retard or a fucking ass in a leotard. Both you and Shane have fucking awesome lipstick.” She shoved the table at me one more time for good measure. It didn’t move, but I don’t think she noticed.

  Grace stumbled away to the bar and tried to climb over, but sort of crawled up on a stool, slipping off twice. “Ry...an,” she sang.

  Marie sucked in her teeth. “That’s pathetic, really. Maybe she couldn’t find anybody that would do her.” She grabbed at my sleeve and tried to yank me up. “Come on, Shane. Take me home, so I can show you how much of a virgin I’m not.”

  Lea slapped her hands down against the table top, causing everybody to jump and look at her. “Why don’t you have a nice big cup of shut the fuck up? Go home and lay by your dish. And the next thing that comes out of your mouth about Grace will be accompanied by your flying broken teeth. Do you understand the language I’m speaking, or do I have to translate to stupid slut for you? Run the fuck along now, go play a game of Hide and go fuck yourself.”

  Then Lea eyes snapped to mine, “And you. Shane, man the fuck up and cut this shit out. It’s going to be a long hard lonely road to walk on waiting for her to forgive you if you keep this crap up.” She leaned over the whole table and whispered loudly in my ear, “I think the worst hell you’d ever be in would be a life without her, knowing this was your last chance ever to be with her. Don’t be a douche rocket!”

  Lea slid back across the table and I grabbed my phone out of my pocket and typed a text to Grace. Lea was right but I was too damn drunk to talk to Grace. I’d only screw it up more.

  Shane: I am so fucking sorry

  Marie patted my shoulder and walked away. Thank God.

  I need to get Lea flowers again.

  The conversation in front of me continued. “Um…what the heck is a douche rocket?” Alex chuckled.

  Lea huffed, stood up and crossed her arms. “Okay, I’m going to explain it fast and then I’m going to go over there to Grace and try to talk her out of a bell tower with a rifle. There are five levels of the douche hierarchy: douche, douche bag, douche canoe, douche nozzle and right at the top, the king of it all, when the douche is displaying phenomenal amounts of doucheness, is a douche rocket. It’s when someone is such a douche, like the KING of douches, they can no longer be described as a douche nozzle, they are ALL the levels of douchery put together, and douche rocket is used. And right now, Shane Maxton is the biggest Douche Rocket on the planet!”

  I had to agree with her. I had to laugh too, because that shit was just funny.

  Behind Lea, I watched as Grace freaked out as her phone started vibrating in her back pocket. She fumbled for about one minute, almost falling off the bar stool, then finally managed to extract her phone from her pocket to read my message. “Ha! Sure!” She yelled.

  Damn.

  Grace gulped back a shot from off the bar and then Lea was beside her, wrapping her arms around her. My heart freaking broke. Again. I didn’t realize I had any more of it left to break.

  I stumbled my way across the room to Grace. It took a lot longer than I anticipated since I was still trying not to hurl. Or fall. Or just plain pass out. Whose idea was it to play that dumbass game? Mind Erasers, damn, that’s the perfect name for them.

  Grace swirled around on the barstool and I stumbled against her and leaned my hands on either side of her, trapping her. I breathed her in deeply and looked right in her eyes. A small gasp left her lips and her body shuddered. I moved in even closer to her and gently tapped my forehead to hers. Her body trembled more, so with one hand, I grabbed her around the waist to hold her up. I leaned my whole body against hers and she sank right into me. She freaking melted. I took another long deep breath and pulled her against me, bringing my lips to her ear and breathed the words, “Band practice tomorrow at ten. Make sure you bring your guitar this time.”

  I let her go and stepped away, raking my hands through my hair. I walked backwards, still watching her, towards the door to leave. I had to walk out that door. Why? I puked as soon as I got to the curb. Yeah.

  Everything went black after that. It was extremely hazy but I remembered someone, I think Alex, walking me through the front door of my apartment building. I remembered leaving voice messages on Grace’s cell phone. But mostly, the night was blacked out and I woke up at nine o’clock with all my clothes still on, in my closet wearing a sombrero, and Alex and Ethan sprawled out on my bed.

  Someone put lipstick and eye shadow on me. Oh, and across my forehead someone wrote the word LOSER.

  With my head pounding and eyes blurry, I gulped down a few aspirin and jumped in the shower. After I dried and dressed, I grabbed a few ties from my closet and tied Alex and Ethan’s ankles to my bedposts. Loading my Super-soaker was the next thing I did, and I sprayed their dumbass faces with icy cold water and watched as they fumbled and fell trying to get off my bed, but couldn’t. EPIC.

  We all stumbled grumbling into the studio at 9:45. Immediately, I grabbed my guitar and started playing the melody I had been working on and then sent Alex for coffee.

  At exactly ten o’clock, the studio door thrust open and slammed itself up against the wall with a huge metallic bang. Alex and Grace came through the door laughing. Ethan and Brayden moaned in unison and grabbed their heads. Ethan sat behind his drum kit with his forehead on his snare drum and a pair of sunglasses on. “Bro, don’t make another sound until I get my coffee.”

  I had been sitting on one of the couches with my guitar between my legs and my forehead resting on its neck nervously waiting for Grace. I anxiously chewed on a small black guitar pick. My heart stammered and pounded at the sight of her as she stepped in and when those intense gray eyes locked on mine, it stopped completely. I expelled a long deep breath that I didn’t even realize I had been holding while waiting for her. I watched her body tremble and those gorgeous lips smile at me, like she was truly happy to see me. She had to have listened to my voice messages. I wish I remembered what I said in them. Her eyes lit up the room when they stared into mine and I knew that one day soon I would know her like no one else ever had.

  Ethan’s deep voice boomed, “Play that new rhythm again, Shane, let’s all listen to it and improvise. Then we could sit around and think of some lyrics for it.”

  Grace unbuckled her guitar case and slid her guitar out. She looked down at it with a reverie and awe that made my insides ache. She carelessly tossed her case against the wall with her coat and sat down crossed legged on the floor in the middle of us and tuned up.

  Without thinking, I answered Ethan, “It’s got lyrics.” The only thing I was concentrating on was Grace and how I needed to touch her. Somehow right then, I needed to touch her more than I needed to take my next breat
h. I walked slowly over and sat across from her, crossing my legs as she had done. Our knees brushed each other’s and my body trembled when I felt her tremble against me. There was something alive and electric between us. There was no one and no way that it could be denied. You could see it and feel the crackling and thickness of it in the space around our bodies whenever we touched.

  “What did you say, bro?” Ethan asked looking awkwardly from me to Grace. I wondered if he could see what I was feeling.

  Grace’s eyes looked from Ethan’s into mine. Beautiful. “It has lyrics. I’m just not ready to sing them yet...it’s called Until You,” I told Ethan but I never looked away from Grace. I wanted to sing the words to her, but I couldn’t, not yet. I was going to make this girl love me for who I was now, not what I had been. And those words, they would tell her everything. It was killing me not being allowed to tell her everything.

  A heavy silence lingered after the last of my words, and my fingers danced along my guitar strings, killing the quiet with the life of the song. A slow addictive melody languidly sang through the strings of my instrument as I watched Grace inhale and watch me wide-eyed. The notes started as tiny whispers; little echoes of murmurs; of secrets. They rose in volume and intensity and I smiled as I watched goose bumps travel all over her skin. I wanted to kiss each and every one of them.

  I nodded my head at her, “Come on, girl, play with me,” I whispered.

  She moistened her lips and closed her eyes, listening to the melody I played for her. A stunning smile passed over her lips, lips I wanted to kiss more than I ever wanted anything in my life. Her fingers moved across her guitar, and I was lost, lost in the music that we were both creating. She thrust herself into the emotional passion of the riff and I could swear I saw something inside her break loose and knock down the wall of stone that she had built up around her. Our bodies swayed to the rhythm, forgetting who we were, just our raw souls singing through our guitars.