Scars and Songs (Mad World)

by Christine Zolendz

  We played as one. Her elegant fingers pulsed along the strings with slow and steady notes telling of her longing and desire. I was completely mesmerized and captivated by her. She played the instrument in front of me as if it was an intimate part of her body. It made my skin tingle and burn to touch her.

  I didn’t.

  The sharp tones of my melody are what I touched her back with; full of strength and power. Our harmony quickened together as if we needed a rush to our release, until an explosion of sound tore at our hearts, our souls. You couldn’t tell our melodies apart, where my story began or her story ended. We reached inside ourselves and told each other our secrets through song, secrets that we couldn’t say with words yet, like we wanted to linger in our anticipation of the beginning of our forever.

  We twisted our notes together until we were breathless and there was nothing more to play. The silence deafened me.

  Tears filled her eyes. I looked everywhere at her all at once. I wanted to devour her. Her pink wet lips, her tear filled eyes, her neck, her hands; all of her. I frantically searched her face, wanting…needing to let her know, my face heated and I swallowed hard, “I’m so sorry, Grace, I...”

  “Please don’t,” she whispered, her eyes pleading. “Let’s not try to hurt each other anymore with words. There’s been enough damage. Let’s just play,” she said looking away. “And there are too many eyes on us, another time, Shane.”

  In between Alex’s mad attempts to discuss the pros and cons of Grace’s virginity, we practiced for three hours. “Hey, Grace. Do you know why men want to marry virgins?” Alex asked.

  She rolled her eyes, “No, Alex. But I bet you’re going to tell me.”

  “They can't stand criticism,” he laughed.

  Alex quickly walked out from behind his keyboard and sat in front of Grace, his expression completely innocent. “So, I’ve been thinking seriously about this. And I think I came up with an amazing idea, so just hear me out okay? The idea of a twenty-three year old virgin is thought by many to be an endangered species. So, I was hoping you would let us take you through the spiritual journey of this undiscovered land. I’d like to start a blog, a documentary of sorts, about the experience of going where no penis has gone before.”

  Grace’s face increased in darker degrees of redness with each word from Alex. “Alex, I think…”

  “No. Grace just…just hear it all out, okay?”

  She nodded her head, laughing, and her eyes dancing playfully.

  Alex continued. “In our documentary blog, I will be portraying the role of head virginarian, strictly for the sake of research purposes,” Alex giggled.

  Grace laughed louder, “Alright, I’ll bite, what is a virginarian?”

  Alex’s face reddened even darker than Grace’s as he explained, “It’s a person who only practices the fine art of having relations with those of the virgin persuasion. Now, let’s shut off all the lights and play a game of who am I tasting.”

  Before I could punch him in the arm, Grace did. “Ugh, Alex don’t even…Blah. Just stop,” she laughed.

  He looked back at her seriously, “You know, Grace Taylor, there are only two four letter words that are offensive to men. The words don't and stop. Well, unless they are used together.”

  Everyone burst out laughing.

  Alex grabbed her by the back of the head and planted a friendly kiss on her forehead. “I’m glad you’re back in the band, love. And I love that you let me tease the shit out of you. If I wasn’t such a LOSER, I’d probably ask you to marry me; make me an honest man.” He gave me a sideways glance and winked in my direction.

  Chapter 20

  Right after band practice, I met up with Conner at the park and went for a run. When we finished, we wordlessly walked to Grace and Lea’s, the front door was unlocked so we walked right in and dropped our sweaty shirts on the floor by the front door.

  Conner and I walked into the kitchen to hear Lea sigh, “Yeah, but he’s just not Shane.” We both leaned against the doorway of the kitchen, arms crossed over our bare chests smirking. Grace’s eyes roamed all across the muscles of my chest, and slid down my skin over my stomach to my running pants. Her lips parted and her body leaned toward me. Holy Eyeball Sex, I’ve never seen her eat me alive like that before. “Who’s not me?” I interrupted Lea.

  Lea jumped and her hands flew to her chest and she yelped loudly, “You just scared the crap out of me!”

  “Uh,” was all Grace could manage as she blatantly gawked at me. I loved it. I freaking wanted more. I didn’t want her to have any damn control, just like me, when I saw her. I wanted, no, I fucking needed her to run her hands up my chest and slam her fucking lips against mine.

  I unfolded my arms and walked into the kitchen, tossing my cell phone on the table near her. Smiling at her, I grabbed a water bottle from the refrigerator and leaned against the counter, giving her a full view. Her eyes widened. I flexed and stretched muscles I didn’t even know I freaking had as she watched me. I did freak out a little when Lea whispered under her breath, “Hot damn. That looks delicious.”

  Trying to ignore Lea, I twisted the cap off the bottle, held it to my lips and gulped the water down, slow. I let a long stream of it drop down my chin and onto my chest. A stunning blush spread across Grace’s cheeks, down her neck, and I could tell she was struggling for air. Thousands of dirty thoughts raced through my mind as we watched each other; they all ended with her legs wrapped tightly around me, with me whispering her name over and over again. I was throbbing to be inside her, my hands tingled with the anticipation sliding them slowly over every inch of her skin. My lips burned to touch hers; my tongue craved to taste her. It took all my fucking self-control to stay on the other side of the room and just watch her, just touching her with my eyes, instead of throwing her on top of the table and claiming her as mine in front of everyone.

  “Grace has a date tonight,” Lea blurted out. Like a bucket of ice water to my face. What the hell did she just say? What the fuck? Alex? Ethan? What the FUCK DID I MISS?

  I twisted my face in anger and crunched my empty water bottle with one squeeze of my fingers. “Letting Alex start his blog?” I asked through clenched teeth. I. Will. Kill. Him.

  “Ah, that would be a no. But, thanks for making me feel like one of your easy skanks. Again.” Grace whispered.

  She was acting hurt? She was hurt? She was holding my fucking heart in her hand and squeezing the life out of it every damn time I saw her, but she was acting hurt?

  Lea craned her neck in front of Grace’s face and pointed to me. “Do you effing see that chest?”

  “Shut up,” she whispered. Her eyes flitted from Lea back to me. I swear I saw tears in them.

  Lea shoved Conner out of the kitchen, pushing him with both hands into the hallway. We were alone.

  Fuck this.

  I stalked toward her, eyes fixed on her. She bolted up and met me in the middle. She raised her chin and jabbed her hands onto her hips. “Think carefully about what you’re about to say to me, Shane,” she whispered.

  Then the corners of her lips curled up.

  Oh fuck me. I walked toward her until I backed her sweet ass up against the kitchen table. Hard. The air thickened around us, and I heard a soft intake of breath through her lips. I leaned down, pushing my body against hers, damn her nipples hardened through her shirt against the skin of my chest. The palms of my hands slid slowly onto the table on either side of her, trapping her between my arms. “Don’t let him touch you,” I whispered.

  Her breath was ragged. “Give me a good reason not to,” she said.

  I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t want to stop. I slid one hand to her waist and moved under her shirt, skimming my fingertips over her skin. I leaned down closer, breathing her in. Both of us panting and breathing heavily into each other, our lips moved closer.

  And just as if someone, somewhere was sitting down orchestrating the shittiness of my life and messing with me, cockblocking me to the ninth
power, my cell phone rang. A picture of a topless Marie taken in the bathroom of Boozer’s popped up on my screen. I am going to kill her. How the hell did she do that with my phone? We both stared at the phone for a minute before I pressed ignore and stepped back, raking one hand through my hair, knowing the intense moment was over.

  “Wow, Shane. Just wow. How has your dick not shriveled up and fallen off by now?”

  “I didn’t sleep with her.”

  “Ha. Every damn time your lips move, out pops a lie. The problem is, Shane, I don’t care if you did. Get out of my way, I have to get ready.”

  “Don’t let him put his hands on you, Grace. Just. Don’t.”

  “Oh sure, good idea, no hands. Yeah, I like the thought of his tongue on me much better!” She pushed me off and stormed out of the room. Tears streamed down her face as I tried to run after her, but she slammed the bathroom door right in my face.

  Thumping my forehead hard on the bathroom door, I could hear the click-click-click of Lea’s shoes coming fast behind me. She slapped me on the arm before I could even turn around to face her. This chick is a beast.

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Shane? Tell her who you are! Stop playing games with her…”

  I lunged at her, leveling my eyes to hers, nose to nose. “I. CAN’T. They told me not to. And, Lea? Look at me. WHO I AM is SHANE NOW! She has to love him. Not some angel that DOESN’T EXIST any longer. What if SHE doesn’t want ME anymore? Lea, it’s this obsessive thought in my head every minute since I found out who she was. That Shane Maxton isn’t good enough for her. Fuck, he isn’t. He was a lost piece of shit, Lea, but I’m here now and if she doesn’t accept me in here, then I let her go, but I will love her every single minute for the rest of my existence. I have her name branded on my soul, tattooed on my heart. I will never love anyone else.”

  “Then tell her who you were, Shane. Please don’t let her think he left her, don’t let her think that she wasn’t enough for him,” Lea whispered.

  “Who does she have a date with?” I snapped.

  “Ryan, the bartender.”

  “What’s going on with her and Ryan?” I growled.

  She gave me the most evil smile I’d ever seen on her cute little pixie face. “I don’t know. She saw him in the coffee shop after band practice today and he asked her out. And Shane, because you’re hurting my best friend, I hope he kisses all your kisses away. I hope he erases every little sliver of her heart that belonged to you and writes his name on each one,” she sneered.

  She left me in the hallway, gagging, wanting to hurl.

  I marched into the living room and paced back and forth mumbling. Conner watched me with interest from the couch. “Why do I feel like I’ve missed a few episodes of the soap opera you call a life.”

  Glaring at him, I cursed a lengthy monologue of harsh profanities and raked my hands through my hair.

  Grace thundered into the living room, grabbing her coat and fumbling with it to keep her hands from dropping it.

  My eyes grazed over her legs, her hips, her arms, and dragging them slowly over the rest of her body, I cringed. Why the hell was she wearing a dress like that? That’s a dress you wear to get someone’s hands on you. “Oh God,” I whispered.

  As she heard my words, her eyes caught mine, a look of anguish washed over her face and her lips parted as if to say something, but they snapped shut like she decided against it.

  The horrible sounds of the doorbell rang and she ran for the door. Charging forward, irrational thought saying to stop her from leaving, but Conner grabbed my waist and pulled me back.

  “Let me fucking go!”

  “Are you losing it, Shane? What the hell are you going to do, hit him until she likes you? That’s not going to work! What the fuck are you on?”

  I shrugged out of his arms and dragged my hands over my face. “I’m not high, Conner, I swear. I’m just fucking in love with her.”

  “Oh crap.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Shane, it’s not Ryan’s fault. Grace made her choice.”

  “Conner, she never even knew I was a serious option. I have to get the hell out of here.” I searched through my wallet and pulled out a condom. I knew it was a bad idea. I knew it was crude, filthy and disgusting. But I needed to have the last word before I left her to someone else. I rushed down the hallway to the front door.

  Ryan was leaning against the doorjamb with a dumbass, ‘I’m getting laid tonight’ smile almost splitting his face open. Yes, I thought about punching him in his bright shiny minty fresh mouth. But I refrained from violence.

  “Excuse me,” I murmured in her ear as I pushed through the doorway, she leaned away to give me room to pass. Yeah, thanks.

  As I stepped by, I slowly reached my arm out, brushing it past her waist and I thrust the wrapped condom into one of her closed hands. I grazed my hands lightly over her hip, leaned in close, and looked right in her eyes. Time seemed to slow down at that moment as if we were locked eye to eye forever. Slowly, I brought my lips to her ear, “Just pull the fucking trigger on me now, please.” I pulled back and watched her shiver against my words. She searched my face, tears filling her eyes.

  “Hey, Shane,” Ryan said.

  I said nothing else, but shoved my hands in my pockets and stormed off down the street. Conner was right next to me. Good friend.

  Straight to Boozer’s. Within an hour, I was buzzed to high heaven with Conner sitting next to me. “So, your plan is to stay drunk for the rest of your life and not deal with the fact that the girl you’re in love with is out on a date with someone else? How is this any different than you using drugs again?”

  “I’m a little busy trying to reach black out status. You don’t mind if I ignore your love pep talk, right?” I said as I downed another shot.

  “Just answer one question for me then.”

  I circled my hands in the air for him to continue disturbing my drinking progress.

  “Isn’t she worth fighting for?”

  “Yes. I’m just not worth being the winner. Shane Maxton is a piece of shit.”

  Conner shook his head drunkenly up and down. “Yep. He was. But then he cleaned himself up about nine months ago and became one of the best guys I know. Shane, don’t waste the rest of your life wondering if you’re good enough for her, let her decide for herself if you are.”

  Sometime after that, I vaguely remember crawling up the steps to Grace and Lea’s apartment. I was so going to wait in Grace’s bed for her. I was not letting that bartender mix her drinks.

  Laughing and shushing each other, Conner and I fell into the girls’ apartment. “Dude, do you have a key to the apartment? Areyouserious? You are so married already!” I slurred.

  “Shh…Shush up. You’re gonna wake ‘em up!” Conner yelled.

  “Yeah, well it’s too late for that, you idiots,” Lea laughed, standing over us with a bat. “With all the damn noise you guys were just making you are so lucky I didn’t call the cops!”

  “So you gonna make us play baseball?” I giggled.

  Lea hung the bat over her shoulder, turned around and walked down the hallway. “I’m going to get a little help,” she laughed.

  Conner and I untangled from each other and tried to stand. I didn’t know about him, but the earth was moving way too fast for me, so I kept low to the ground. “Con, I think my world is fucking spinn’ outta control. You feel that?”

  “Screw you, Shane. This is all your fault. You made me drink. Do you think I could stand on my head?”

  “I dunno. Why you wanna step on your own head? That’s stupid. I’m gonna hide from Lea and Grace. Help cover me with these pillows. Wow, they are so soft,” I giggled drunkenly. I was beyond drunk. And I really needed a flashlight. Taking every cushion off the couch, I built the best damn pillow fort ever created. By a twenty-three year old drunk guy. Best. Ever.

  Conner slumped against the wall, fell on his head and giggled, “There’s my beautiful girlfriend. Shane. Shane? Sha..
.ne? Where the frig is Shane?”

  I popped my head out of the couch cushions and waved to him. Well actually, I tried doing those Navy Seals hand signals, but I don’t think he understood. “I’m in my fort.”

  Conner crawled towards me and looked up at Lea who had just walked back in the room, “Uh oh, Shane. Look who’s here. It’s her, Grace. Shane? Shane?” he whispered. “Dude, ask her to get in the fort with you!”

  Grace stood in the doorway. I died a little. She had nothing on except a tiny little tank top and those little boy shorts that I loved on her. But, that wasn’t what hit me. It was the way the moonlight spilled in through the window and gently fell against the softness of her skin. The way it made her glow; I have never seen someone wear the moonlight more perfectly.

  “Okay, that’s enough. Come on, Conner, let’s go to bed,” Lea said, pulling him up off the floor. He stumbled drunkenly against the wall giggling. “Grace, Shane really, really, really likes you…you make him happy when skies are gray,” he drunkenly sang, I believe to the melody of You Are My Sunshine. I forgot that he could sing pretty well when he was drunk.

  Lea looked back at Grace with a small smile and a giggle. “You got Shane?”

  Oh God, did she have me. She’s had me for thousands of years.

  Grace smiled back at Lea, “Yeah, sure.” My heart leapt and the pillows all crumbled around me.

  I looked up at her, staring blankly, and slurred, “God, Grace, you’re so fucking exquisite.” There’s a medical term for that, what I just did, it’s called diarrhea of the mouth, when you just have no control of your bodily functions and shit just starts flying out of your lips. Yeah, because I was supposed to be pissed off at her for going on a date with Ryan, and I was well aware that he might be in the room down the hall waiting for her to come back to bed. Crap, I think I’m going to be sick.

  Then she smiled at me. Grace Taylor smiled at me with those stunning lips and tears in her eyes. I will never forget the way she looked at me that night. Okay, I probably would forget because I was juiced to the high heavens, but I hoped I didn’t forget, because it was a look filled with forgiveness and love. And it was mine.