by Rudd, Matt
‘Bra or no bra?’
‘No bra.’
Monday 22 August
‘How was East Timor?’
‘Hot.’
‘Not as hot as New York. I’ve found that if I cover myself in baby oil and stand right next to the fan, I stop getting all steamed up. But only for a minute. It’s just sizzling over here.’
‘I thought you were back in London.’
‘Had to cancel. Work. Men. Thinking of moving back at some point though.’
‘Great.’
‘Really?’
You see, that’s why she’s the Destroyer of Relationships. She twists everything into innuendo. And always turns perfectly innocent expressions such as ‘great’ into something more…intimate.
Wednesday 24 August
The tension in the Walker household has been palpable since our return. She doesn’t find it funny when, every time I open a cupboard, I shout, ‘Ohmygod Alex, what a marvellous surprise. Why don’t you join us for dinner or breakfast or how about full sex? Why don’t we just all get married and spend the rest of our lives together?’ I don’t find it funny when she keeps reminding me I called her a stupid cow, which I thought we’d agreed we’d forgotten.
In other crises, I have four missed calls from Denise at Avocado, but I don’t care—I’m allowed a week off for my birthday. And the strange couple who live below us have put their flat on the market as well. It’s bigger than ours and they’re asking less. And they’re with Foxtons, all branded Mini Coopers, virtual tours online and ten viewings a minute. We’re still stuck with Arthur Arsehole. We don’t stand a chance.
Sunday 28 August
The phone rang off when I answered it this morning. Either a wrong number who couldn’t be bothered to apologise or a stalker who once fondled my wife.
Tuesday 30 August
Force myself to go to the gym but my heart’s not in it. The sweaty fat guy is pushing himself so preposterously hard that he’s leaving whole bits of himself on the machines. I tell Denise that I think he’s pushing himself too hard and she tells me to stop transferring my own inadequacies onto others. ‘Now get back on that running machine and do twenty minutes at four per cent incline and seven miles per hour.’
I feel really inadequate for the rest of the evening.
Wednesday 31 August
Emergency pub session. Johnson helpfully explains that a first-base kiss to parents is a second-base breast-fondling to the husband which is a third-base groping in reality. Andy says I should stop asking questions and behave like a grown-up. Isabel loves me, not Alex, but the more I behave like I don’t trust her, the more likely she is to run off with Alex.
Until then, I hadn’t actually considered the running-off possibility. Andy says, ‘Well, he’s a nice guy. He’s not neurotic like you, my friend. And you’ve broken his arm and his tooth in the last two months alone. Isn’t that enough hostility for now?’
Then he tells me to take a leaf out of his own highly researched book on the opposite sex and trust them. He’s now planning to move to Geneva with a girl he met last week in Liberia. She’s the one, although he doesn’t speak French and she doesn’t speak English and they’ve only communicated their undying love through sign language. Trust, he says, is the fertiliser upon which love grows.
I tell Andy to go stuff himself. I’ve never done that before.
SEPTEMBER
‘My advice for any newlyweds is stick at it, you will
always have the snags but use a bit of sense!’
GLADYS MOTT, 81
on celebrating her diamond wedding anniversary
with husband Percy, 90, as reported in the
Lancashire Evening Telegraph, 12 August 1999
Thursday 1 September
Denise was right: I am transferring inadequacies. I am the sort of man who would lose a woman to another man. I used to be mildly adventurous. I used to take the occasional risk. Now, I worry about forgetting not to put the rubbish out and feel threatened by my wife’s male friends.
I need to do something exciting with my life.
Isabel gets in from the first in the new term’s yoga classes and, when I tell her I’m bored, I’m having a midlife crisis and I need some new challenge in my life, she suggests I give yoga another go. I wait for at least ten seconds for her to show she was joking but she wasn’t. I phone Andy, apologise profusely for telling him to get stuffed and ask him if he can help me find myself again.
He suggests hang-gliding. Googling ‘hang-gliding’ and ‘killed’ brings up 40,928 results. I decide that it’s all very well wanting a fresh adventure in life but that there are limits. Abseiling will do fine. I book onto a course in the Peak District after Andy promises to come too.
THINGS I CAN’T DO NOW BUT COULD HAVE DONE WHEN I WAS YOUNGER
Abseil
Learn French
Remain calm during take-off and landing
Toboggan the really steep slope where my parents live
Enjoy queuing and paying to get into a trendy bar, then queuing to get to the bar to get a drink, then having to stand holding my drink inches from my face because the bar is so packed, then not being able to have a conversation with anyone because the music is so loud.
THINGS I CAN DO NOW BUT COULDN’T WHEN I WAS YOUNGER
Drive without terrifying my passengers
Intimidate an intimidating waiter
Get up early and make the most of the best part of the day (and, in so doing, pathetically avoid having sex)
Prefer a nice, quiet evening with friends in a country pub.
Friday 2 September
Barely two weeks have passed and the strange reclusive gnomes in the flat downstairs, the ones with the dingy subterranean living room but without the new kitchen, have now got an Under Offer sticker emblazoned across their For Bloody Sale sign. Their bedroom is painted in swirly blood red and purple. They have no stainless-steel cooker hood. Their kitchen smells of urinary infection, not freshly baked bread like ours. Arthur the Absolute A1 Arsehole is unreachable but could I please leave a message?
‘Oi, Arsehole. The flat downstairs is already under offer. The one with the dingy basement and the much higher risk of being broken into by heroin addicts if you go on holiday. Whatrugonnadoaboudit?’
…or words to that effect.
Saturday 3 September
Another look at the house in Isabel’s mum’s village and one a few miles away and one a few more miles away. I like the one quite a few more miles away but it’s been on the market for months.
‘Why does no one else want to buy it?’ I ask Isabel, hopefully. ‘It’s lovely.’
‘Maybe it’s because its bedrooms are downstairs and its kitchen is upstairs, because it’s on the hard shoulder of the M25 and because no one’s quite sure if that mobile phone mast at the end of the garden will mean we have deformed children,’ replies Isabel. ‘I think we should make an offer on the first one.’
So I say, ‘The one near your mum’s?’
So she says, ‘Yes.’
So I say, ‘I’m not sure I like the kitchen.’
So she says, ‘I know, we’ll have to start saving for a new one.’
So I say, ‘But, but, but, but, but…’
So she bats her eyelashes and flutters her eyelids and squeezes my arm.
So now it looks like we’re moving into the house near her mum. If Arsehole can ever shift the flat.
Monday 5 September
An even worse start to the week than I’ve come to expect over the past few months. First because the world’s dumbest criminal tried to steal our car last night. Dumb because, of all the cars in the street, ours is the oldest and slowest. If he was a joy rider, he wasn’t ever going to get much joy from a 0.997-litre Vauxhall Corsa Breeze (Breeze, I think, because it has a sunroof ). Dumb also because he didn’t manage to steal it, or the radio. All he did was bend the whole door open, jemmy the radio just enough so it doesn’t work and steal only one of my favourite
shoes, so neither he nor I can enjoy them.
I go to work in my second favourite pair of shoes and find I have been awarded a work-experience girl for the next two weeks. She’s starting tomorrow because today she’s interviewing Bill Clinton for a magazine she was doing work experience with last week. Oh God.
Tuesday 6 September
By 10.15 a.m., I have run out of things to make the work-experience girl do. She has filed everything, made an Excel spreadsheet to denote her new filing system and everyone in the office is having a caffeine overdose because she’s made so much tea. Her name is Anastasia, she speaks five languages, got a quadruple first from Oxford and a Master’s from Columbia, has 58 A-levels, 3,276 GCSEs, worked as a peace envoy for the UN in Sierra Leone last summer, plays hockey, rugby, tennis and mahjong, and, at the age of sixteen, won silver for England in the under-21s three-day-eventing world championship.
She is proficient in everything computery, can type 900 words per minute and knows shorthand. In her spare time, she organises charity balls, fights Third World debt and enjoys listening to music. Why on earth she wants to do work experience here when she should really be running for prime minister, I don’t know. Perhaps it’s just to make the rest of us ageing mortals feel even more inadequate.
Saw Alex walking past my office at lunch but managed to avoid him. Strange because he works in Victoria. Can’t mention it to Isabel because, since the breast revelation, the topic is entirely taboo.
Wednesday 7 September
‘If you wannit perfickt, it’s gonna cost ya, mate,’ says the mechanic, scratching his chin as he surveys our bent door.
‘Yes, obviously. How much?’
‘Ohffffffff,’ he says, as if I’ve just asked him to estimate how long it will take to climb the Eiger via the west ridge without ropes. ‘Pfffffffff,’ like he’s trying to calculate how many matchboxes it would take to stretch to the moon. ‘You’re looking at, oooooooh, seven hundred quid for a new door. Maybe, tssssssssskkk, another two hundred parts and labour.’
‘Isn’t the door the parts?’
‘Yeah, right. But there’s ‘inges ‘n’ panelling ‘n’ stuff.’
I phone my insurance company and a woman who sounds like she’s trying to stifle a giggle says I have to pay the first £500 of a claim tap tap tap and that if I make a claim, my premium will go up by approximately tap tap tap tap £420 next year. In my head, I go around to the insurance company and machine-gun the woman and all her colleagues to death for being such evil, tricksy bastards. In reality, I thank her, decline her offer to initiate a claim, hang up and tell the mechanic just to bend the door back as best he can.
Thursday 8 September
Horrible dream last night. It was the day before my finals or A-levels or GCSEs. I couldn’t tell which because no one had told me, and I hadn’t even started to revise. I was in a library, hemmed in by giant stacks of books and folders but I wasn’t a student, I was me: the thirty-year-old magazine journalist. Worse, I had the mind of a thirty-year-old magazine journalist. I started leafing through some of the textbooks, and it was all complicated political theory and graphs and timelines. There were long essays full of long words in my handwriting but I couldn’t understand any of it because I had the useless brain of a thirty-year-old. I started reading frantically, conscious I had only twelve hours until the first exam, entitled British Political History 1747 to 1979, began. Every time I reached a point where I almost understood something, my mind was invaded by thoughts of Isabel. Not sexy thoughts. No dreamy fantasy with stockings and university tutor outfits. Only panicky thoughts about losing her, about letting her get away, about driving her away with my own blockheaded stubbornness and/or her stupid loyalty to Alex. With all that going on, I hadn’t even reached the Industrial Revolution and its Impact on the Political Structure of Eighteenth-Century Britain before it was time to wake up and go to the exam. Except when I woke up, exhausted, there wasn’t any exam at all.
On the bright side, it rained for the first time in weeks and our garden-free flat in sweltering Finsbury Park became slightly more bearable and slightly less like the perfect venue for humidity-induced wife-killing.
On the less bright side, our car is no longer waterproof and Isabel is blaming me for not insisting the garage did a proper job and not getting a proper insurance policy and just generally being me.
I asked Anastasia to research an article on Russian billionaires and their role in London society. I had hoped it would take her a week but she finished it in an hour and a half, then just sat opposite me looking bored while I tried to work the fax machine. (Try putting a ‘nine’ in front, she says. As if that would work. Oh, thanks.) After lunch, I told her to update a spreadsheet of contact details for every celebrity on our database. Fifty-four minutes. I told her to stick some front covers on the wall. Fourteen minutes. And make coffee. Three minutes. And fact-check my article. Seven minutes, during which she found four typos, a split infinitive and two sentences that could have been expressed better.
I tell her I’m going to the gym tonight.
She tells me she’s going to kick-boxing class.
I tell her I’m going abseiling in the Peak District at the weekend.
She tells me she’s going base-jumping in the Massif Central.
I tell her to go and make another cup of coffee.
Friday 9 September
‘Would I like to increase my sperm volume by five hundred per cent?’ ask the first seven emails I open this morning. The sex thing that I hoped was a blip and was in actual fact a trend has now bottomed out at twice a week. Isabel says that as our love grows and our marriage strengthens, physical love becomes less relevant. Advertising tells us we should be having sex all the time but life is richer than that. It sounds like something Astrid, her yoga teacher, would say, which means she has been talking to Astrid, which means it is an issue she has to talk about, which means I may have to increase my sperm volume by five hundred per cent.
Anastasia wants to leave early today so she can catch her flight to France to do her base-jump. I don’t have to leave early because I’m only going to the bloody Peak District to do stupid abseiling tomorrow.
Saturday 10 September
Even though it’s not base-jumping, there really wasn’t enough safety training for my liking. Our instructor was called Barney and he had long hair, round glasses and a pair of tie-dye poo-catchers. He wouldn’t have looked out of place on a beach in Bali in the Seventies. He did look out of place explaining how the ropes we were entrusting our lives to worked. ‘The green one feeds through…errr…this loop, and this one goes…errr…no, it’s the yellow one that goes through that loop and the green one goes here. Hahahahahaha, always getting those muddled. Hahahahahaha. Right, off you go.’
I let Andy go first, straight off a sixty-metre-high viaduct. I waited for a scream, a crunch and a splatter, but Andy just seemed to be enjoying himself. Finally, he emerged ant-like and whooping at the bottom of the bridge and yelled an echoey ‘Your turn’ back up. As he did so, a minibus pulled up next to me and Barney, disgorging a dozen skinheads from a borstal in Stockport. ‘Part of the new day-release programme,’ muttered their hounded instructor to Barney. ‘See if we can’t lose a few today, ey?’
The skinheads were so excited to be out of their detention centre that they were trying to set each other on fire with cigarette lighters and deodorants. Only the sight of me climbing up onto the ledge distracted them long enough to save the skinniest one from incineration.
‘Go on, mate, see if you can fucking fly, you fucking cock,’ they said encouragingly. But I couldn’t move. I just stood up on the rail, rooted to the spot. Then I got disco leg: I wobbled involuntarily to a non-existent disco beat. The cruel laughter swam around me, the soft encouragement of Barney doing little to help. I thought of my life back in London, of the leaking car, the unsellable flat, the wife. And then I thought of the bloody infinitely bloody talented work experience who right now was jumping off a two-mile-
high cliff without any ropes. And then I jumped.
You’re not supposed to jump.
You’re supposed to walk over the edge. I swung back into the side of the viaduct; there was a loud snapping sound. ‘I think I broke my foot,’ I shouted up to twelve hysterical skinheads and a hippy. None of them believed me.
When I did eventually get to the bottom, I sat waiting despondently for Andy to have another go—naturally he had taken to it like Spiderman—before we went to hospital. The humiliation was complete when the nurse told me it was only a broken toe and there was no need for a cast—and no, I wouldn’t need crutches. I couldn’t even injure myself properly.
Monday 12 September
Anastasia wasn’t killed base-jumping. In fact, nothing is going right until Isabel makes a surprise visit to my office to meet me for lunch. That goes right only briefly, until she picks a fight with a total stranger. We go to a place claiming to be a French deli and she orders a ham and cheese croissant. It isn’t fresh, despite claiming to be and costing £3.49, so she starts remonstrating with a teenage manager about how this place shouldn’t be allowed to claim that it’s French because no one in France would serve a £3.49 croissant that isn’t fresh. Almost immediately, a very aggressive security guard comes over to help the discussion along and things start to get heated. Just when she’s telling him to mind his own business, he actually prods Isabel in the chest. I grab Isabel and we leave. Isabel says I should have grabbed the security guard, not her, and says I should have defended her.