“If you want to punish yourself, fine, but I won’t let you keep punishing her.”
The thundering of my heartbeat pounded in my head. What was she doing? Why was she involving herself in something that had nothing to do with her?
“Yes you are,” she insisted. “You blame her for the accident.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. I suspected. But to hear Maria give life to those words, I suddenly felt my throat dry up. I wondered if I’d be able to swallow.
“You just said so. You said Madison would be alive if Stephanie didn’t pressure you.”
I felt like someone sucked all the air from my lungs.
“He thinks I killed Madison?”
Her wide eyes and open mouth told me I did a good job of surprising her.
“Tell me what’s going on and I want the truth.” I demanded after she hung up the phone.
“I’m sorry,” she said sympathetically.
“Don’t be sorry.” The last thing I wanted or needed was pity. Not hers or anyone else’s. I needed enlightenment. “Explain why he’s confiding in you, the worst thing possible about me.”
She hesitated but knew she had to tell me, she had no way out. “He doesn’t really blame you. He blames himself and he shouldn’t. That’s what I was trying to get him to see.” She let all the air escape from her as she plopped down onto a kitchen chair, shoulders slumped, back hunched. “He told Madison he was in love with you.”
“When?” It felt strangely like I was about fall off a cliff. If her words confirmed my suspicions, how could I ever face him again?
Ever.
She met my eyes. “While driving her home. She didn’t take it well. He tried to console her and took his eyes off the road.”
“And the truck hit them.”
She nodded.
“When did you find out?”
“A few days after the accident, when I went to see him.”
I felt my insides wilt remembering how sharp and stern he sounded when he told me not to come to the hospital. He didn’t want me there because he couldn’t bear to see me, because deep down he knew it happened because of me.
“You didn’t tell me.” I knew it sounded like an accusation. I wanted it to sound that way, I just didn’t know yet what I was accusing her of.
“He asked me not to. He was a wreck. He didn’t want you to see him like that.”
I nodded, taking it all in.
“Not only was he driving, but he hurt her right before it happened. His feelings for you only add to the mountain of guilt he’s carrying around right now.”
“It wasn’t his fault.” How could it have been? This was just his penance for choosing me.
“That’s what I’ve been telling him, but I don’t think I’ve gotten through to him. I hoped now, that there’s some distance from the accident, he could start to see for himself,” she explained.
“I wouldn’t know. Apparently he doesn’t think I’m worth discussing this with.”
“Don’t get insulted. He doesn’t know who to turn to.”
“He should be turning to me,” I insisted. I told him from the beginning I was damaged, he chose not to believe it. I’d gladly set him straight and put the blame firmly where it belonged.
“How can he? You’re biased. And he can barely even bring himself to look at you.” She closed her eyes and swallowed hard realizing what she’d said.
I didn’t say a word. I didn’t need to. The pain in my heart shone through my eyes clear enough.
“He promised Madison,” she explained.
“Madison?” My head spun like a pirouetting ballerina on a carousel. I found it difficult to focus and fight against the rising nausea at the same time.
“Omigod, Stephanie, she was dying! He didn’t know what to do. He wanted her to keep fighting. He promised he wouldn’t see you anymore. He’s convinced she squeezed his hand and smiled in response.”
“And died.”
She nodded. “It was a promise he made as he watched her die. He feels like he can’t go back on it.”
Game over. She won. There was no competing with a ghost.
My stomach churned. “What else don’t I know? What else are you keeping from me?” I thought this was Maria’s way of proving I’m still in her shadow; that I’ll always be in her shadow even where Jordan is concerned.
“Nothing. I swear.”
“You understand why I don’t believe you.”
“There’s no reason to get upset. He really cares about you. He’s just torn.”
I felt satisfied knowing he was torn. After all, my heart was in shreds. He didn’t think enough of me to tell me the truth. He couldn’t bear to look at me. These thoughts spread like poison through my veins.
I couldn’t trust Maria. Our relationship disintegrated instantly. She should’ve told me, or at least clued me in. It was the ultimate betrayal. Only after her secret conversations with Jordan did she believe he really cared about me. Apparently my word wasn’t good enough. Now that she was in the know I had her blessing.
And what about Jordan? Shutting down was one thing, but to promise not to see me . . . did I mean so little? Was I that expendable to him?
A switch flipped inside me. The more I thought the angrier I became at both of them. I gathered my thoughts and as soon as I could speak calmly and coherently I called him. I told him either he could come to me or I would go to him but one way or another we were going to talk.
Twenty-Seven
I could see clearly when I opened the front door Jordan wasn’t up for a confrontation. He looked tired and haggard. The bags under his eyes were dark. Deep. I almost felt sorry for him. But almost wasn’t good enough.
Jordan followed me into the living room, but stayed close to the front door. I wondered if he intended on making a quick getaway.
“You okay?” He asked referring to my urgent demand to see him.
“Depends.” I felt myself begin to falter and forced the words out of my mouth. Once it was out in the open, once we could discuss it rationally, we could move past it. “You think the accident is my fault?”
He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “It’s not like that. You had nothing to do with it.” His words sounded rehearsed. They were matter of fact and dispassionate.
“The way I hear it, not only do you blame me, you blame me so much you want me out of your life. Permanently.”
He raked his hand through his hair, looking clearly annoyed to be having this discussion. “Listen Steph, I can’t do this right now.”
“You don’t have to do anything, just answer a simple question. Do you blame me? Yes or no.”
As I pressed I realized I had to see this all the way through. The longer I mulled it over, the worse I felt. Slowly comprehension sank in. Everything between us was based on a lie. And no matter how much he wanted me to, I couldn’t drop it. I needed to hear the words from him.
I realized why Maria’s words struck me so hard. At some level, a very deep level, I wanted to believe Jordan when he said I wasn’t responsible for so many of the deaths I’d had to face. Over the years, I learned to hear his voice in my head telling me my father forgave me, and absolving me of my sin. Somewhere along the line, I learned to believe him. Now those words felt empty. Meaningless.
And if Jordan lost faith in me, all hope was gone.
He let out a long impatient breath, “I’m sorry you heard something that hurt your feelings . . . ”
“This isn’t about my hurt feelings,” I snapped, wanting him to just answer the question.
“Isn’t it?” he asked. “It’s always about your hurt feelings Stephanie. Always.”
“Huh?” I couldn’t have heard right.
His words came fast and furious, “When you’re hurting you never stop to think about anyone else. You just go off and do whatever you like, the hell with the consequences.” His skin, tinged with anger, changed from his usual olive complexion to a deep red.
“What?” My hea
rt sputtered; I thought it might even stop.
He closed the distance between us, and spoke through clenched teeth, “You never take into consideration that you might be hurting the people around you. The very people you claim to love.”
“That is so not true!” I protested hurt to the core. I couldn’t understand where this came from.
“Of course not.” He turned from me and took a few steps away before facing me again and continuing, “It can’t possibly be true, because if it were, you’d feel like crap, and you and I know we can’t have that.”
Silence hung thick in the air for some time. My eyes watered. His words were pulverizing.
“That settles it then.” I don’t know how I got the words out without bursting into a full out sobbing fit. “I just had no idea what you really thought of me.”
“Here we go twisting everything around.” He continued to barrage me.
I shook my head, “Don’t insult me! I‘m not twisting. I’m seeing things very clearly.”
“You wanted honesty. Isn’t that how we got into this mess? Because you had to be honest about your feelings?” His eyes held an unfamiliar rage, directed at me. “Well Stephanie, this is what it looks like.”
“So it’s my fault because I pressured you to admit your feelings?”
“No,” he got in my face, his veins protruding from his neck and his forehead, “It’s your fault because you weren’t honest, from the beginning.”
Clueless, I had no idea what he was talking about.
“My feelings for you were obvious.” I defended myself. “You were the one who had a problem. You made an issue of my age any time you could.”
After a few moments of silence, he covered his face with his hands, and began to return to his normal, calm state. When he spoke again, he did so with a softer, more compassionate tone, “Look, I know you had nothing to do with the accident. I didn’t mean it.”
“Sure you did.” I couldn’t help but sniffle. “Just like you meant all those mean things you just said about me being a selfish, self-centered brat.”
“It’s not the way you’re making it sound.”
“No Jordan. That is exactly how it is!”
I couldn’t believe this wasn’t a nightmare I could force myself to wake from. A lump formed in my throat making it hard to swallow. He no longer skirted the issue. I didn’t need to read through his insinuations. He blamed me. Out and out, it was my fault. After years of convincing me I was just as worthy of love and happiness as anyone else, he never believed a word of it.
I knew I was responsible for my father’s death, from the moment I heard. Jordan was the only person I ever confessed to. I trusted him, and let him in, beyond the façade I put on for the rest of the world. I let him into my soul. And now deep down he blamed me for the worst thing that ever happened to him. For the worst thing to happen to anyone. He couldn’t have hurt me more if he used his fists to beat me.
I wanted to fall back into my hole of self-pity and stay there forever. I wondered if the black clouds of pain and suffering I’d lived under all my life, now extended to him, simply because I loved him so much. Maybe I should let him go and just give up.
Maybe.
“Maybe the accident would’ve happened anyway. Did you think of that?”
He shook his head. “What ifs’ won’t change anything.”
“No, but maybe you can see how ridiculous you’re being.”
“Alright. Fine. What if I didn’t take you to the prom?” He snapped. “Madison would be here and I . . .” he hesitated, sounding pained when he continued. “I wouldn’t have hurt you.”
“Are you saying the prom was a mistake?”
He didn’t answer.
“I want to know. Do you regret it?” I pushed.
“Yes.” He said with such conviction I knew there was no doubt about it. “I do.”
The single greatest night of my entire existence was nothing more than a faux pas on the slate he called life. One giant mistake, snowballed into a devastating avalanche.
“Then there’s nothing more to say.”
“I’m sorry, Stephanie. I never meant to hurt you.” Yeah, just twist the knife a little more.
I nodded. “Sure you did. That’s why you’ve kept me shut out. Whether you realize it or not, it’s your way of punishing me.”
He stared at me for a long moment then drew his eyes off to the side, his voice barely more than a whisper, “I promised Madison I wouldn’t see you.”
“Because you wanted her to live. I get it. But you can’t change what happened.”
“No.” His eyes held a cold distance in them, “But I can honor her memory.”
I didn’t answer right away. I tried to put myself in his place, see it from his point of view. I wanted to understand, and be compassionate.
“I’m the reason she’s dead.” He tried to convince me.
“No. You’re not. The guy who blew the light is.”
“C’mon Stephanie, you know what I mean.”
I could see frustration on his face. “If none of this happened would you have promised not to see me?” I asked.
“No.”
“Then what are you doing? You need me now. You need all your friends. I know you feel guilty, but shutting me out won’t bring her back.”
“This is not a fairytale!” His voice held even more anger than before. “There’s no happy ending for us.”
I shook my head in disbelief still trying to accept what was happening. “You really think I’m the reason she’s dead?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t have to. It was in his eyes.
He paced around the room, “Have you read any of the blogs about the accident?”
“Nothing good can come from those.”
“You think I’m upset because people are saying bad things and blaming me? Because her friends want to lynch me? No. Not at all. People are going on about dearly departed Madison, and her poor devoted boyfriend. How lost I am without her, how perfect and in love we were. How I don’t deserve the pain and suffering of losing her so tragically.”
I looked down feeling despondent. I was in so far over my head I couldn’t see daylight, and I had no idea how to keep from drowning.
“There’s no mention on any of the blogs that only days before the accident, her sleazebag boyfriend was on a date, and not just any date, but a prom date with another girl. No one knows, two minutes before the accident . . .” his voice caught and he closed his eyes a moment, no doubt, I was certain, reliving the accident. “She died with tears streaming down her face, because I broke her heart,” his voice was low and raspy, barely more than a whisper.
“You’re beating yourself up over something you didn’t do.”
“Look, Stephanie, I can’t be who you want me to be. I can’t be strong and supportive. I can’t tell you everything is going to be okay. I just can’t.”
“I don’t want you to! I want you to give me the opportunity to be your rock. To make you believe everything is going to be alright.”
He bit his lip, “I don’t want to fight with you.” He turned from me.
I approached him slowly and placed my hand on his shoulder, “I’m stronger than you think, Jordan.”
“Yeah, I saw how strong you were that night at the cemetery.”
My blood turned to ice. I couldn’t believe he could be so cruel. How could he throw that at me in such a callous manner?
My face must have given me away. When his eyes met mine, they softened and looked sad rather than angry. He stepped closer to me and placed his hand on my waist, “I’m so sorry.”
“Get out!”
“Stephanie . . . ” he pulled me against him, but I pushed away.
“Just get the hell out of my house and out of my life!”
Twenty-Eight
The moment the front door closed, I picked up a book from the coffee table and threw it across the room. I grabbed a pillow, brought it to my face and screamed into it. Clutching it
close I fell onto the couch, pulled my knees into my chest and cried.
I gave way to all the devastating pain and anger overwhelming me. I’d never felt pain like this. It pierced my heart and left a large gash, raw and jagged. I wondered how I could be so stupid and naïve. How could I have spent years loving an illusion?
A knot formed in my stomach, which at the moment felt like a bottomless pit. For the first time I ever could remember, I hated Jordan. Absolutely despised him. He lied and betrayed me and I didn’t care if I’d ever see him again.
Having my eyes opened was almost unbearable. It left me feeling like I couldn’t breathe. I had no idea how to get through the next moment, let alone the coming days.
The phone rang. I didn’t answer. The last thing I wanted to do was talk to anyone. I let it go to voicemail and then played back the message.
“Hi Stephanie, this is Lisa,” a young vibrant voice called out. “Lydia and I are going out tonight. We wanted to know if you and Maria were interested in a girls’ night. I know we spoke about it at graduation. Give me a call.”
While the L Twins were never my favorite people, I didn’t have anything against them. We remained friendly after Chris and I broke up and even hung out at school sometimes. Even Maria agreed they could be sort of fun. I wondered if they called her too. And if so, did she plan to go. One thing I knew for certain, if Maria was going, I was not.
I dialed the house number, figuring if I called on her cell she might not answer. I planned to ask if she was going and slam the phone down. I think I just wanted an excuse to hang up and take out a small increment of my pain on her.
Her father home from work answered. “I’m sorry Stephanie, she has company right now,” he offered in a kind voice.
“Rob’s back?” I asked.
“Um no. I’ll have her call you as soon as she’s free. Okay?” He didn’t even wait for me to respond before hanging up the phone.
That wasn’t like Mr. Deluci. He always took the time to ask if something’s wrong or what I needed, or even if I’d like to leave a message. This lack of interest meant Maria gave him strict instructions. I knew what that meant. Her company was Jordan.
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