by Max Walker
But, that wasn’t the case. When he looked into Red’s eyes, the butterflies came back in full force. And it had nothing to do with his status or money. Most of the time, Caleb had totally forgotten he had been sharing space with a movie star. Sure, there were small reminders, like his massive mansion and his celebrity friends, but none of that was what revved up his nerves.
So then what is it?
Caleb knew damn well what it was. And he was terrified of it. He could still vividly remember the pain he suffered from falling for someone in the closet, and now he was doing it all over again, except this closet was walk-in sized. Red had an unbelievable amount of pressure placed on his shoulders, how could Caleb ask him to add more? Red may never come out. A terribly sad reality that put Caleb’s heart in a vice grip. He hated for that to happen. For Red to never experience his full life, but, at the same time, Caleb could in no way push Red out into the open. That was something Red needed to do himself.
But… I need someone who won’t treat me like their dirty little secret.
It was a painful tug-of-war. Caleb understood why Red couldn’t come out, and maybe he should just suck it up and be ok with it. Or, Caleb could think about himself for once and protect his heart from another meltdown.
But what if I don’t care about that. I don’t care about the pain. I want Red.
That’s when he heard his name and all those fears momentarily disappeared. That was how powerful Red’s presence was. He knew it was him before he even turned around.
“Caleb, wait.”
“Oh, hey,” Caleb said, a little surprised. Sure, he wished this would happen, but he didn’t actually think it would.
“I looked out the window and saw you starting to walk down the street. I got caught up in a conversation, but tried to make it out here as quick as I could. I wanted to make sure you were alright.”
Caleb smiled at that. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just thought it was a nice night for a short walk.”
“Great, same here.” Red mirrored Caleb’s smile. They started to walk, matching each other's steps. The air was crisp, the street lamps glowing white-orange above them. Neither said anything for a few minutes. Neither knowing how to truly express their feelings. Caleb was in between wanting to throw Red into a bush and climbing on top of him right then and there to wanting to run away as fast as he could, like a game of tag that was never meant to end.
They had managed to walk around an entire block (and those Beverly Hills blocks were no joke) without saying anything, and Caleb loved it. He understood the importance of silence and enjoyed someone who didn’t make that silence uncomfortable.
“I was serious earlier. About wanting to see you again.” It was Red who broke the silence.
Caleb chewed on the inside of his lip. Those were the words he had been wanting to hear, and somehow dreading all at the same time.
“I want to see you again, too,” Caleb said. Even though I feel a storm of hurt coming.
“Good.” Red nodded with a broad, bright smile, as though he had just closed on a dream house. “I have an idea on what we can do... do you get seasick?”
Caleb, arching a suspicious eyebrow, shook his head. “Nope.”
“Ok, great. Then I know exactly where to take you.”
Caleb’s idea of a good date was being taken out to a nice sushi restaurant, but he didn’t mind the prospect of skipping that and heading right to the water. He was again reminded that Red played on an entirely different level than other guys.
“I should be getting home now, though.” Caleb saw that they were reaching Red’s mansion. He pulled out his phone and opened the app to call the car.
“Wait, let me take you home.”
“That’s ok, you have an entire house of people to entertain.” Caleb looked up into Red’s eyes. He was a little taller than Caleb, probably four inches or so. “I had a great time tonight.”
“I did too,” Red said. “I wish it could have lasted longer.”
That’s when Red surprised Caleb. He stopped them both and pulled Caleb into a kiss. It was quick and fiery and bittersweet. The fleeting feeling of Red’s lips on his reminded Caleb they were still in hiding. Things had to be short and sweet, stolen when no one was around. A secret kept hushed between them.
“I’ll see you soon,” Red said, smiling as he turned to walk back to his place. Caleb watched him leave and waited for the car. Neither of them aware of the fact that the kiss wasn’t so secret after all.
Fifteen
Red Miller
The boat rocked on gentle waves. Well, ‘boat’ may have been underselling it. When Red told Caleb he was taking him out for a night under the stars on his boat, he might have left out the part about his boat being the size of a small apartment. It was a mini-yacht, one of Red’s smaller boats. He thought any of the bigger ones would be overkill. Everything about it was sleek and modern, clean lines and chrome accents. White and blue vinyl leather couches that should have been illegal with how comfortable they were. Two floors with three bedrooms and two full bathrooms, all marble countertops and hardwood paneling. It even had a hot tub on the top deck that was already bubbling, surrounded by more seating.
After the tour, Red took Caleb out to sea, making sure to wave to the family of sea lions that lounged alongside the dock. It was dusk, the sky painted in broad orange and purple strokes, blending with dark blues and ivory white clouds. Caleb stood by Red as he drove the boat, both of them admiring the stunning colors. At one point, Red put an arm around Caleb, who sunk into the touch. At that point, Red knew he was done. He was falling harder for Caleb than he thought was possible.
It was about another hour after they hit the water when they arrived at one of Red’s favorite spots. He had named it Sweet Spot Cave, although he wasn’t entirely sure of the official name. There was a tall wall of rock jutting out of the water, forming a cave that was rounded and tall enough for Red’s boat to slowly pull into. The moon had joined the party by then, throwing down white light on the water and having it reflect back onto the ceiling of the cave, wet black stalactites glittering like diamonds above them.
“This is beautiful,” Caleb said, looking around. The way the moonlight bounced around them made it easy to see, allowing Red to avoid turning on any lights for the time being. He let go of the steering wheel, dropped anchor, and grabbed Caleb’s hand. He led him down to the bow of the ship, where they sat down, cross-legged with a bottle of extremely expensive pinot resting between them.
“Isn’t it? I’ve dived for a little bit in here; the cave stretches for miles.”
“Jesus, how are you made of iron and steel? I would have a panic attack the minute I stop seeing the surface.”
“It was a little nerve-wracking for the first few minutes, but you get used to it.”
“No, you get used to it. I, on the other hand, end up throwing up into my dive mask.”
Red winced as he poured Caleb a glass. “That’s a nightmare scenario.”
Caleb took his glass, waiting for Red to pour himself one. With both wine glasses in hand, the men raised their glasses between them and clinked, keeping eye contact the entire time. The moonlight danced in Caleb’s eyes, making them even more breathtaking than usual. Red drank the wine, wishing it was Caleb he was tasting on his tongue.
“So, besides nuclear wasteland crickets and pits of cockroaches, what else are you scared of?” Caleb’s eyes searched Red’s. It was a serious question coated in a joke.
Red laughed, remembering that traumatizing incident. “I mean, we can both agree, that thing was scary.” Red shook his head. He reached a hand out and squeezed Caleb’s thigh. “Thank you for being the hero and saving me.”
“I’d jump in front of a cricket for you any day.” Caleb pursed his lips. “And then watch it jump over me and onto you.”
“Asshole,” Red said with a smirk. Nearby, something splashed in the dark waters. A fish jumping from its world, taking a peek at another. That was how Red felt. He was being g
iven a glimpse into Caleb’s world and he was finding that he didn’t want to leave. “I think my biggest fear is rejection,” Red said, going back to the original question. He took a sip of wine and looked out toward the ocean. He had dropped the anchor so the bow of the ship faced out from the cave. It allowed more of the moonlight to shine down on them.
“When are you ever rejected?” Caleb asked.
“You’d be surprised,” Red said. “I’ve been told ‘no’ a ton of times. That’s what the film industry is built on. But I don’t think that’s the rejection I’m most afraid of.” He thought of his father, but didn’t say anything. He thought of Caleb, but definitely didn’t say anything. “I’m ok with being told ‘no’ for a project, I get that sometimes I’m just not right for the role. But what really scares me, I think, is personal rejection. Being rejected by people that I love. I think... that’s what keeps me from taking certain risks and has me second-guessing a few things I shouldn’t.”
Caleb nodded. They were sitting side-by-side. Caleb leaned onto Red. The weight of Caleb’s body felt right. Like a weight Red was always meant to carry, one he was ready for.
“I guess that’s why I haven’t come out, yet.” The words rushed out of him. Red had never actually spoken about coming out to anyone. It was something that, unfortunately, was a thread running through every gay experience, and yet Red never talked about it. There was always someone you had to come out to. Sometimes, those experiences were much easier than others, sometimes those experiences irreparably broke beautiful men and women who deserved everything life had to offer.
Caleb nudged into Red’s side. His free hand found Red’s. Their fingers locked together. “I can’t even begin to picture the pressure you’re under.” Caleb’s voice was like a bright lighthouse in a growing storm. “When I came out, I was so lucky to have two parents who loved me regardless of who I loved. I grew up in San Francisco and was always surrounded by all kinds of love.”
“That sounds incredible.”
“It was,” Caleb said. “I really wish I could give some of that to you, somehow. Like I could just transplant my positive experience into yours, make it easier for you.”
Red chuckled. His hand squeezed Caleb’s, his body being consumed with an indescribable warmth. It made this conversation so much easier than Red ever thought it could be. “I wouldn’t turn down the offer.” He sighed. “I don’t think I’ll be that well-off.” Red took a deep breath. “Such bullshit. I want to be able to walk down the street, holding your fucking hand, not giving a damn about the paparazzi.”
“Is it the public pressure?”
Red shook his head. He had never pointed out the real reason he stayed in the closet. It had less to do with his Twitter mentions and more to do with his family.
“My father,” Red started. “He’s an incredible man on every level, but he does have one major flaw. He’s stuck in his old ways and I don’t think he sees gay men on his playing field. It was so fucking hard having to hear some of the comments that were thrown around when I was a kid. He seems to have calmed down about it all, but it still really fucking sucks. It was a different time, but those words stuck with me even if they weren’t directed toward me.” Red gave a self-depreciative huff. “Look at me, talking about my shitty childhood. Meanwhile, I was eating fucking caviar when I was ten. What a joke.”
“Bullshit. You could have had all the money in the world, that wouldn’t have fixed your pain. Hearing someone you respect so much, your own father, talk negatively about people you identify with is brutal. Something a lot of people will never understand. I can’t even imagine you, a kid sitting in the back seat of a car, hearing slurs getting thrown around by your dad and thinking that that could be you he’s attacking. It’s not right, and it’s ok to talk about it.”
Caleb felt like an anchor at that moment, grounding him in place. Red carried a lot of guilt for feeling bad, which only made things worse, but Caleb was able to chip some of that away and keep him from floating off into his own sadness. Red stayed silent for a moment, letting Caleb’s words digest, feeling the gentle bobs of the boat on the water, hearing the wind echo behind them in the cave.
Caleb shifted next to him. He looked and found Caleb’s gaze. He seemed… worried? Hurt.
“Why the hell does it have to be so hard?” Caleb shook his head, breaking eye contact. Red wished he could stay staring into those eyes all night. Maybe then all of these troubles would melt away.
“I don’t know…” Red leaned in closer to Caleb. “So fucking stupid. What does me loving another man have anything to do with him? With anybody? Nothing about me changes, nothing about me gets weaker if I come out, and yet, I still can’t fucking man up and talk to him about it.” There was anger now. Resentment. Directed not only toward his father, but also himself. “I’m a coward.”
“Absolutely not.” Caleb squeezed Red’s hand. “You are literally one of the bravest guys I know. You jump out of planes and drive through explosions for a living. And that’s also where the pressure comes in. You have millions of eyes on you, I can’t even imagine how daunting that must be. And then to think that the one man you respect the most in life may not accept you… that’s not easy on anyone.”
“It shouldn’t be this hard,” Red said, feeling an immense sadness. “Why can’t we have a fucking fairytale?”
“We can,” Caleb said. Red looked to his side, immediately finding calm in Caleb. There was something in his expression. A certainty to what he had said. As though he had skipped ahead and read the ending to their ‘fairytale’, finding out it actually was everything they ever wanted and more.
The reality of the situation was much more serious than that. Their story didn’t involve glass slippers or talking snowmen. The real world wasn’t a fairytale, and they were going to have to face that fact head-on.
But that would come later. The real world could wait for a night. Red could forget all about the pressure and lose himself in the man he would risk it all for. He could allow himself that escape for one night. Before he knew it, their lips were together and his hands were tangled in Caleb’s thick dark brown strands. It was soft and slow, matching the gentle bobs of the boat in the water. Red wanted to take his time. He wanted to savor every single taste Caleb had to give him. He wanted all of it, and he wanted none of it to end.
He felt himself start getting pushed back. Red went with it, letting Caleb lay him down on the boat. Their kiss was mind-altering. Caleb was now on top of Red, straddling him with his thighs as they continued to kiss. Red could feel Caleb’s growing bulge against his own as their tongues continued to twirl. This was it. This was all Red wanted. Nothing else. Forget the money and the fame. The pressure and the shame. Fuck it all. He wanted this and nothing else.
“Fuck,” Red said into the ocean air as Caleb broke and started kissing Red’s neck. His teeth nibbled on flesh, sucking in and biting. Red felt a rush as his cock throbbed in his briefs. He had to get his pants off, along with Caleb’s shorts. His hands left Caleb’s tangle of hair and went down to slip under Caleb’s shorts. He felt the soft cotton of Caleb’s underwear. Red squeezed through the fabric, pulling Caleb harder against him. His ass felt so fucking good in his grip. He wanted more of it. All of it.
“Take these off,” Red said, almost commanding him. Caleb stopped sucking on Red’s neck long enough to pull his shorts off, throwing them to the side. His blue and black briefs were straining to hold back Caleb’s hard length. Red admired the man, his body highlighted by the soft moonlight. It was like Caleb had walked out of a dream. He pulled his shirt over his head, revealing a fit body that left Red even more entranced. A soft trail of dark brown hair led down past the blue waistband of his briefs, making Red salivate. He almost forgot to take his own jeans off, that’s how captivated he was. He could have watched Caleb like a favorite film, never for a second considering to press fast-forward.
“All of it,” Red said, admiring Caleb’s bulge as he pulled off his own jeans and br
iefs. His hard cock sprung free, slapping down onto his abs with a smack. Caleb, grinning, worked his briefs off slowly. He was standing above Red, gently gyrating his hips as his hands moved over the bulge Red wanted to stuff into his mouth. Red licked his lips as Caleb squeezed himself, throwing his head back and showing off that flushed pink neck of his. The neck that made Red weak in the knees. He couldn’t help but start jacking off. He reached down and fisted his own cock as Caleb notched a thumb under the waistband. He worked the briefs off, inch by inch, first showing off the sexy tuft of hair before revealing the base of his cock.
Red couldn’t believe how sexy Caleb looked, stripping for him in the moonlight. It was fucking magical.
When Caleb dropped his briefs to his ankles, his hard dick springing upward, that’s when Red got an idea. Maybe it was all the wine warming his body or maybe it was simply the intoxicating presence of Caleb that did something to his brain.
“En garde,” Red said, smiling as he stood up, his cock jutting out and swinging in the air.
“No you didn’t,” Caleb said, laughing as a smile grew on his moonlit face.
“Come on,” Red said, “one of your bucket list wishes was to have a sword fight in the middle of the ocean, wasn’t it?” Red smiled mischievously, wiggling his hips so that his cock swung with him. “Arg, matey.”
Caleb, laughing loudly, his cock also just as hard, stepped forward and shook his head, covering his face with a hand in disbelief.
“I’m here to plunder ya’ booty.” Red could barely hold it in. He was having so much damn fun and he wasn’t even inside of Caleb yet. This was incredible. He didn’t think he could ever be this comfortable around someone else while being completely naked and totally aroused. Sure, he was an international sex symbol, but that didn’t mean he was immune to the insecurities everyone else felt while they were the most exposed. If anything, sometimes his status magnified his insecurities. He sometimes felt like he already had a preset standard he had to constantly live up to.