by James Vietch
Contents
Title Page
Introduction
The Poem
The Gold
The Snail Farm
The Blurb
Tell No One
The Honey Trap
Mary Gary Gary Mary
Safety First
Devil Wife
Sweet Rose
The Sheriff and the Vacuum Cleaner
Princess Mina
The Toaster
Winnie
Keith
China Jewellery Corporation
Hong Kong
The Meta-Scam
Coda
Acknowledgements
Copyright Page
Introduction
It was an email, received first thing in the morning from my friend Alex (unexpected trip, mugging), that sowed the seeds of what’s become Dot.Con. It didn’t take me long to realise it wasn’t Alex (Western Union, alarm bells) and, I reasoned, this gave me the upper hand. I was sitting up in bed now, finger poised over DELETE on my iPhone when this question came quite unbidden: ‘What would happen if I replied?’
The marooned friend is one of the best known scams, principally because it’s the one that dodges the spam filter most frequently. It comes from someone you know but, often, only tangentially. It’s since become – hands down – one of my favourite scams. The scammer is pretending to be someone whom you know; they don’t know how you know them, though, which means you can just make it up as you go along.
I pecked out a reply.
‘What??????… Alex, but how on earth did this happen?’
And the game was afoot.
The correspondence lasted a day and forms the first section of this book. I had so much fun that it got me thinking: what would happen if I began replying to every scam email I received? And that’s what I’ve been doing – for the past two years – on your behalf.
I’ve been inducted into the FBI, won the Peruvian lottery (twice), been buttered up by kings, princes and pirates. I have offshore accounts, consignments of gold and a serious girlfriend in Moscow (we’re giving it until spring 2017 and then one of us is going to move).
Do try this at home; it’s the only defence we have. But set up a pseudonymous email account and use that to reply. Initially, I was using my own account and, consequently, I think I was put on some sort of ‘list of suckers’. I’d wake up to discover 400 new emails about penis enlargements, only one of which was a legitimate offer.
Don’t get me wrong – I don’t want to be mean to the scammers. There are lots of people online who do that. I’m content merely having fun inventing and I figure any time they’re spending with me is time in which they’re not scamming vulnerable adults out of their savings.
Incidentally, if you think you don’t get spam, you do; you just have a very good spam filter. If you want to see what’s been netted pre-inbox, open your spam folder – there be dragons… But also, I believe, opportunities. I think of the spam folder not as Pandora’s box, but as a costume shop in which you can play and play at being whoever and whatever you wish. If only for a time. Last week, I was a bank robber, a pilot and the one-time confidant of a beautiful Arabian princess – and that was just Monday.
It’s worth mentioning that for every one of the emails in the book, there were ten or twenty that didn’t make the cut. Conversation would end abruptly when the scammer rumbled me as a time-waster, or an email would bounce, the scammer’s email address having been confiscated and destroyed by their provider. More often than not, the scammer would refuse to go off-script, giving me just generic, pasted responses. But, on rare occasions, with enough coaxing… well, you’ll see.
James Veitch
24 March 2015
Manila, Philippines
(stranded following an unexpected trip)
The Poem
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Hi Date: 15 December 08:19
* * *
Hi, sorry to bother you but I made a trip early this week to London, UK and had my bag stolen with my passport and credit cards in it. The embassy is letting me fly without my passport, I just have to pay for a ticket and settle Hotel bills. I was thinking of asking you to lend me some funds. I need to be on the next available flight.
Alex
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 09:56
* * *
What??????
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 10:33
* * *
Thanks for your response i need $2000 to pay hotel bills and cover my expenses, let me know what you can come up with. I made inquires and was told western union would be the best option.
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 15:54
* * *
Alex,
But how on earth did this happen? I had no idea you were even in London? And two GRAND on hotel bills? How on earth did you manage that? You could have stayed at mine for free! I’m working on getting you the cash.
James
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 15:59
* * *
Thanks alot James i promise to pay back as soon as i get back. here are the details you will need in sending the funds via western union
Alexandra K,
Charing Cross Road,
London,
WC2H 0QU
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:00
* * *
To be honest, I’m a bit annoyed you’ve spent the past week in the lap of luxury and haven’t contacted me at all. I thought we were close; what happened? Also, what’s your room like? I’ll talk to the bank tomorrow.
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:05
* * *
Dont be please you know my head was filled and i was a bit confused but now you promised to help my mind is at rest cant you be able to get the funds by today please i really need to get on the next avaiable flight let me know.
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:08
* * *
I know how you feel. If I’m paying the bill though do you think you could at least steal me some towels?
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:48
* * *
James try and get back to me with update let me know if you have sent the funds
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 16:53
* * *
Alex, before I do this, and I want to, but before I do this, just tell me one thing: how was I, as a lover? I’ve been wanting to know this for ages but haven’t ever had the courage to ask.
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:12
* * *
James dont start am in a mess right n
ow and my head aches please just get me out of this mess and we will discuss this when i get home okay,
Thanks and waiting to hear from you soon
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:16
* * *
If that’s the way you’re going to behave then maybe you can just dig yourself out of this mess. Remember Tuscany? Those huge waves? All I want to know is whether you still love me. Tell me you still love me?
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:24
* * *
Okay James i still remember the old times we spent together and i wish we could do it once more if we had the chance to okay i will never forget the good times we both spent together please just get me out of this mess
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:31
* * *
But do you love me???
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 18:43
* * *
yes i do love you James and i will meet you at the airport once all this is clear okay so just get to a WU and wire the funds so we can meet and spend time together alright. Keep me posted
Love you
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:07
* * *
Hi Alex,
Sorry, I’ve been busy all day today. I did manage to call my bank to make sure I had enough money to cover the hotel bills. The guy I spoke to said that Western Union isn’t safe. Don’t you think it’s better that we meet in person? On the way home I decided to ask you to write me a poem. Nothing large; just a simple one, just for me. Something about Tuscany. I remember writing you one all those many years ago and you never replied to me. It would mean a lot to me.
Yours, James
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:09
* * *
Western union is 100% safe okay all else you dont want to wire the funds to me cause i made inquires and was told Western union is the best way to receive funds fast and easier okay so if are still willing to help me out of this just let know
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:12
* * *
And the poem?
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 21:30
* * *
I will write you the poem that is no problem but i need to get things straight first okay? wire the funds so i can get everything done and we can meet. do you still need the info’s or you still have them
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 22:31
* * *
I’m not doing anything until I get a poem!
From: Alexandra K
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 22:58
* * *
Fine i can see you are not helping matters thanks for your time
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Alexandra K
* * *
Subject: Re: Hi Date: 15 December 23:06
* * *
We’ll always have Tuscany.
The Gold
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: (no subject) Date: 15 October 13:34
* * *
Hello Mr Veitch, How are you doing? Hope all is well with you. I have an interesting business proposal I want to share with you. I await your reply so that we can commence.
Regards, Solomon
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 15 October 19:54
* * *
Solomon,
Your email intrigues me.
Go on. Go on.
Jim
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 16 October 06:02
* * *
Hello James Veitch,
In which country are you located, let me hear from you soon, so that I will see if you can be able to work with us.
Regards, Solomon
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 16 October 19:22
* * *
Hey there, I’m currently stationed in London. Is London on the list of countries you work with?
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 16 October 19:39
* * *
Dear James Veitch,
You can be able to work with us in London as receiving agent?
We shall be shipping Gold and Rough Diamonds to you to distribute to buyers on our behalf, and you will earn10% in cash worth of any goods you distribute.
I await your reply as soon as possible.
Regards, Solomon
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 16 October 19:55
* * *
Of course.
How much are they worth?
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 17 October 12:31
* * *
We will start with smaller quantity of 25kgs of Gold as trial shipment.
The worth should be about $2.5million.
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 17 October 12:47
* * *
Solomon, If we’re going to do it. Let’s go big. I can handle it.
How much gold and diamonds do you have?
From: Solomon Oddonkoh
* * *
To: James Veitch
* * *
Subject: Re: (no subject) Date: 17 October 13:12
* * *
It is not matter of how much gold and diamonds that I have, what matters is your capability of handling.
We can start with 50kgs as trial shipment.
What do you do for a living?
From: James Veitch
* * *
To: Solomon Oddonkoh