by Gina Wilkins
“It is,” she admitted. “I think we need to spend more time together as a family. But it has to be for the right reasons, Jackson. Moving there to escape our problems here won’t work. People carry their emotional baggage everywhere they go, and I don’t like the thought of leaving our friends and family here only to end up unhappy and estranged in Texas.”
“There’s no reason to think that will happen,” he said a bit stiffly. “Our only real problems here have been my working hours—well, and sometimes yours, and the fact that you’ve resented my parents interfering so often in our affairs. That can’t happen if we live so far away from them.”
Laurel gave a sigh of exasperation. Did Jackson really believe he had just concisely summed up their marital problems in a couple of sentences? If he did, then maybe they were in worse trouble than she had even imagined.
“You know what I was thinking about when I drove home from the office tonight?” he asked unexpectedly.
“No. What?”
“Our honeymoon.”
That took her by surprise, since it seemed so unconnected to anything else they had been discussing. “Hawaii?”
“Yeah. I think that’s the last time we spent more than a full day together. Tyler was born less than a year later, and we both got caught up in him and in our jobs. Mom saw Tyler as a way to solve her empty-nest syndrome, so she started spending more and more time here. And I spent too many weekends when I wasn’t working fishing with—with Dad, instead of being with you and Tyler.”
He still couldn’t mention Carl without hesitating, she thought with a pang of sympathy.
He continued quickly, as if hoping she hadn’t noticed. “Anyway, for some reason I started thinking about our honeymoon today. We had a lot of fun that week, didn’t we?”
It had been nonstop fun from beginning to end. They had laughed and played like two irresponsible kids, and Laurel had been so naively certain their marriage would continue just that way. Fun. Passionate. Carefree.
Watching him interact with his parents afterward had altered her rather fanciful illusion that it was just the two of them against the world. Having a helpless infant placed in her arms only a few months later had forever changed her carefree view of life and marriage. Sitting alone in her house with a crying baby in her arms and a case of postpartum depression draining all of her energy and enthusiasm, waiting for her husband to make an occasional appearance from work, had taken away the rest of her expectations for a fairy-tale life.
But she still remembered every minute of that honeymoon. “Yes. It was fun.”
“Remember the big luau, when those hula dancers pulled you onto the stage and had you dance with them?”
Echoes of music and laughter filled her mind as she nodded. “Of course.”
“I remember watching you up there. You were so beautiful. You looked as though you were having such a good time. You moved as gracefully as any of the native dancers, though you didn’t know the steps. I remember thinking that I was the luckiest guy in the world, and that every man at that luau must be envying me.”
A single tear escaped to slide down her right cheek. She reached up to wipe it away. She wasn’t the only one who had found marriage to be different than she had expected, she reminded herself. Motherhood had changed her drastically from the woman Jackson had proposed to.
She had worked so hard before to be the life of the party, someone others gravitated to for fun and laughter. She had spent so much of her childhood alone that she’d deliberately surrounded herself with people after her mother died.
Everything had changed for her the day she learned she was pregnant. She had been stunned—and then determined not to fail at the most important role of her life. Overwhelmed by fear and responsibility and an almost crippling lack of confidence in her mothering abilities, she had put all of her energy into taking care of Tyler. What little she’d had left had been directed into the job that had been her one refuge from fear and insecurity. That hadn’t left much of anything for Jackson.
“I had such a good time at that luau,” she murmured. “Everything seemed so perfect. The two of us on an island in paradise. Together all day every day, with no more pressing responsibilities than to find something to eat occasionally.”
“Everything changed when we came home to find ourselves expecting a baby, didn’t it? I guess neither of us was really prepared for that.”
“It scared me to my toenails,” she admitted, possibly for the first time aloud. “I knew so little about being a mother. I felt confident about finding parents for other babies, but I had absolutely no confidence in my own abilities. I wasn’t even sure then that I would approve myself as an adoptive parent.”
“Funny,” he said, though there was no humor in his expression, “I was just as insecure about my role as a father. You were afraid that having no role model would be a problem for you, but my dilemma was somewhat the opposite. I didn’t think I could ever be the same kind of dad I had. I tried so hard to be just like him,” he added in a rough murmur.
Laurel swallowed, then suggested tentatively, “And maybe you tried a little too hard to encourage me to be just like your mother? Your own upbringing was so perfect, in your opinion, that you tried to duplicate it almost exactly for Tyler.”
“I didn’t—” he began with a hint of irritation. And then he stopped himself, thought a moment, then sighed deeply. “I don’t know. Maybe.”
Since they were being so honest, for a change, Laurel risked one more confession. “I knew I could never be like Donna. And I knew that trying to make myself into her would lead to disaster. I decided I had to be myself—and that I would have to let you go if you came to the conclusion that I wasn’t what you wanted. I thought that was exactly what you had decided when you started spending more and more time away from me.”
“That’s what I’m trying to tell you,” he murmured. “You are exactly what I want. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking during the past couple of days, about many things. I’ve got to admit that it hurts to feel estranged from my parents, but I can deal with that. Eventually. But the past couple of years I’ve felt that I was losing you—and that’s a loss I don’t want to have to face.
“When I realized how close we came to losing our son, I fully understood that you and Tyler are my whole world. Maybe I haven’t told you enough. Hell, I know I haven’t. I’ve tried to show you, and I guess I wasn’t too good at that, either. But it’s true. You’re the one I want—the one I’ve always wanted.”
He cleared his throat, then continued when she sat silently trying to digest his words. “You’re an amazing mother, Laurel. Tyler is a happy, well-adjusted kid, and you’ve made him that way. You’ve pursued your own life, yes, but in your case, that seems to make you an even better mother. I watched your co-workers and your clients this past week, and I saw how much they respect you and how grateful they are for the work you do. I realized that I’ve been incredibly selfish trying to keep you from doing that work. I’m the one who got so caught up in trying to be the great provider that I neglected the very family I was trying to provide for.”
The self-recrimination in his voice took her aback. For some reason, she hadn’t truly comprehended that Jackson had been as afraid of parenthood as she had been. That he’d felt the crushing weight of responsibility, just as she had, and that he had dealt with it the only way he had known how—by working even harder.
They really should have talked about these feelings sooner, she thought regretfully. The last few years could have been much different if they had been more open with their feelings from the start.
She said something along those lines to Jackson, adding, “I suppose I was afraid to let you know how scared I was. I thought you would think less of me if you knew what a mess I was inside.”
His voice was gruff when he replied, “I guess I felt the same way. I’d been taught that men don’t let their fear show. That their actions should speak louder than their words. Maybe that works for my pa
rents, but it isn’t right for us. We have to learn to talk, Laurel. I need to know when you’re afraid or unhappy or worried, and I have to learn to tell you how I feel. Both of us need to stop being so damned strong and independent and learn to be half of a true partnership.”
“That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” she whispered, wiping her eyes again. She had never let Jackson see her cry. Maybe that, too, had been her way of holding him at an emotional distance.
His eyes were dark with emotion when he leaned toward her and spoke with a sincerity she could not have mistaken. “I have never doubted that I loved you. Maybe there were times when I wondered if we married too quickly—”
“We probably did,” she cut in ruefully. “It was all such a crazy, romantic whirlwind that we didn’t have a chance to work out all of the practical details beforehand.”
“And then we let parenthood, and other family issues, interfere.”
“We’ve both made mistakes,” she said firmly. “We came from very different backgrounds and had different expectations, and that was bound to cause problems. We’ll undoubtedly have more problems and make more mistakes in the future. But I love you, too, Jackson. I have from the night we met. We have a lot going for us, including an absolutely perfect little boy who has been given a second chance at growing up strong and healthy. I’m willing to start over if you are.”
“In Texas?”
She kept her voice even. “If that’s where we decide to go. I just want to make sure that we would be moving there for the right reasons.”
Jackson stood and held out a hand to her. She placed hers in it and allowed him to draw her to her feet.
“Remember what we did after the luau?” he asked, sliding his arms around her. “We went back to our room, and we danced together—”
She locked her arms around his neck, gazing up at the man whose sexy smile had made her knees go weak that night. It still did, she discovered as she leaned against him. “I remember.”
His mouth covering hers, he moved his feet in a slow, seductive dance that she followed easily. And then he swept her into his arms and headed for their bedroom.
Smiling shakily, Laurel tucked her head into the crook of his neck and remembered that their dance hadn’t lasted very long that other night, either. But the spectacular lovemaking that had followed…
She sighed in anticipation.
The bedroom was dark enough that Laurel could almost imagine she was back in the honeymoon suite in Hawaii. A faint scent of the tropical scented potpourri she kept in a glass dish on the nightstand added to that illusion, carrying her back to the time when she and Jackson had been giddy newlyweds, so feverishly in love that they both thought they would explode with it.
The years since that honeymoon faded away as Jackson helped her out of her clothes, punctuating each movement with kisses and caresses. For the first time in much too long, she felt young and sexy again, unconcerned with the faint, lingering marks of pregnancy or any of the other slight changes that time had wrought in either of them. Jackson was as attractive to her now as he had ever been, and he left her in no doubt that he felt the same about her.
Though he knew every inch of her body, he took his time exploring her again, as if for the first time. She stripped away his shirt and pants, wanting the freedom to do the same with him.
The barriers between them during these past months had been emotional rather than physical, but it felt almost as if she were really touching him again for the first time since that honeymoon. Baring her emotions to him had stripped her of other inhibitions, as well, so that she was able to give herself fully to their lovemaking now. Judging from the wonder in his touches and the excited murmurs he made as they kissed and touched, he must have felt much the same way.
He laid her gently on the bed, leaning over her to nuzzle her breasts with his lips and his tongue. Her nipples were swollen and aching by the time he moved on, her hips moving restlessly on the bed as she urged him to her. She reached down to touch him intimately, finding him so fiercely aroused that she marveled at his self-control. Still he took his time, his fingers sliding between her legs to stroke her almost to the edge of madness before he settled on top of her.
Digging her fingertips into his damp shoulders, she arched upward. “Jackson,” she whispered, and her tone was a hoarse mixture of demand and pleading.
“I love you,” he murmured, just before thrusting so deeply into her that she thought he touched her very soul.
She wanted to tell him that she loved him, too, but an explosion of sensation robbed her of the ability to speak. Instead, she concentrated on giving him a thorough demonstration of exactly how she felt about him.
Jackson seemed unusually reluctant to leave for work the next morning. He lingered over breakfast, teasing with Tyler and giving Laurel looks that brought a warm flush to her cheeks. And then he sighed and reached for the case that held the paperwork he would need at the site that day. “I guess I’d better go.”
“Bye, Daddy.”
Jackson lightly squeezed his son’s shoulder. “What are your plans for the day, sport?”
“Mommy and I are going to the grocery store.” He looked as excited as if he’d said they were going to a carnival, Laurel thought indulgently. Poor child probably was looking forward to going someplace that wasn’t a hospital.
“It’s okay to take him out?” Jackson asked, looking a bit concerned.
“As long as we aren’t out for long. I won’t let him get too close to anyone who might have a cold or virus.”
“Make him wash his hands when he gets home.”
She knew that of course, but didn’t bother to point it out. Jackson needed to feel useful, needed to feel that he was making a contribution. It was a part of his nature that would never change. “I will.”
He gave her a half smile that told her he was well aware she hadn’t needed his advice, but was pleased she had acknowledged it. And then he left for work, promising to be home as early as he could. For once, Laurel believed that he really would make that effort.
She and Tyler made the planned trip to the grocery store, stopping for milkshakes on the way home. She was both delighted and relieved to note that the outing didn’t seem to tire him overly much. He hadn’t regained full strength yet, but he was well on his way, she thought in satisfaction.
Tyler took a short nap after the outing, during which Laurel did some laundry and made a few calls—one of them to set up a meeting with Leslie Logan’s daughter and new son-in-law the following week in her home. She would have to visit their home, as well, but the preliminary interview could take place here, she decided. As fond as she was of Leslie, she would grant no special favors to her daughter, other than agreeing to doing these interviews during her leave of absence, of course.
She hoped the uncomfortable feelings she’d gotten during her first meeting with Bridget and Sam would be assuaged when she spoke to them at length.
Tyler woke in a good mood. He and Laurel built a castle with plastic interlocking blocks, and then she watched indulgently as he noisily knocked the castle down. Leaving him to entertain himself for a while, she went down to the kitchen to prepare a chicken casserole for dinner. It should be ready by the time Jackson arrived home, she thought, especially if he kept his word about coming home at a normal hour.
The front doorbell rang, summoning her from the kitchen. Wiping her hands on a paper towel, she went to answer it, half expecting to find a neighbor or a delivery driver on the doorstep. Instead, she found her in-laws—both of them this time.
Laurel had always thought Donna Reiss looked young for her fifty-two years. Now she looked a good ten years older. She had obviously been crying; her eyes were red and swollen. She wore little makeup, and the fine lines around her eyes and mouth were more pronounced than usual. Laurel would be surprised if Donna had slept since Jackson had left her house Saturday afternoon.
With her hand to her throat, Donna said in a wavering voice, “I know you probab
ly don’t want to see me, but please let me see Tyler. Just for a little while.”
Laurel bit back a sigh in response to her mother-in-law’s melodrama. “Donna, you will always be welcome in this house,” she said firmly, moving out of the doorway to motion them inside. “You’re Tyler’s grandmother and he adores you. I would never deprive him or you of that relationship.”
“See, Donna?” Carl nodded in satisfaction. “I told you Laurel wasn’t going to try to keep you from Tyler. She’s worked herself into a state,” he added to Laurel. “I thought the best way to ease her mind was just to bring her over and let you reassure her. Guess we should have called, but I didn’t give her a chance to dial. I told her to just get in the car and we were coming over.”
“Tyler’s playing in his room. Can I get either of you anything before I call him down?”
“No. Thank you,” Donna added as an afterthought. “I just want to see him.”
“I’ll go get him.” Laurel hesitated a moment, then added, “He doesn’t know there have been any problems within the family, of course. I would rather not upset him.”
“I wouldn’t dream of upsetting him,” Donna replied, lifting her chin and making a visible effort to restore her usual equanimity. “Surely you know that.”
“I know you love him.” Laurel spoke a bit more gently this time, touched despite herself by the pain in Donna’s eyes. “He’s lucky to have a close relationship with his grandparents. I never knew mine, and I regret that to this day.”
Donna bit her lip. “Thank you, Laurel.”
From behind his wife’s back, Carl gave Laurel an unusually sweet smile of gratitude.