by Emily Snow
“She did anyway… and she took most of the money I had in my closet. She… robbed me. And I hated her. It took years for me to forgive her. I got drunk as hell one day and called my dad to ask for her number. It was stupid of me, but I ended up cursing her out. I was pissed. Unfortunately, Penelope showed up and heard every single word. She’d even found out my sister’s name. Now you see why I have to keep her close. She knows too much. I don’t want her ratting me or my family out, and as upset as I am with Kris, I don’t want anyone figuring out who she is or where she is and blasting it. I’d rather her be a nobody than for the whole world to know I have a damn crackhead for a sister. I still love her.”
I nodded, squeezing his hand.
He sighed, tears pricking at the rims of his eyes as he looked away. “I miss her… every day. I miss my mom. I miss them so much, and I wish my mom never sacrificed herself because if she hadn’t, Kris never would have taken that route. She never would have gotten raped. Never would have turned into a stripper. A druggie.”
“But you wouldn’t be where you are now, Gage. Your mom loved you,” I said.
He swallowed, shaking his head. “I know. It just… it hurts so fucking much. I would give it all up to be reunited with them again. I’d give up everything if my mom had a chance to come back.”
Gage clutched the edge of the bed, a tear falling down his cheek. I reached to wipe it, but more continued to fall and, eventually, he started sobbing. I held on to him as he let it all out. Now I knew why it was so hard for him to talk about it. Gage used to have a hard life. A terrible past. We had a lot in common and that frightened me. Now I knew why he didn’t want to let me go, why he always compared me to Kristina.
He went numb after she disappeared. While he was with her, he was happy, loved. His sister was his world; I knew it. He loved her deeply and I could tell by how much he was crying in my arms. Gage put all his emotions on hold until he met me. With me, he loved again, and knowing it made my heart ache even more. It was only getting harder for me to leave.
After a few minutes Gage finally settled down, clutching on to me as if I were going to let him go. His face was buried in my neck, his breathing light as it ran down my chest. I sighed, kissing his cheek. “You can tell me another time,” he whispered.
I nodded, understanding his statement, glad because I wasn’t up for freaking out and panicking. I had my inhaler in my bag, but I hated touching it because touching it meant I’d been thinking about my mom, the she-devil. Eventually we fell asleep in each other’s arms. He’d fallen asleep before me and before I drifted, I was thinking way too much.
I was worried—afraid I’d hurt him again. I didn’t want to hurt him like Kristina did, but I knew leaving was only going to rip his heart in half. I was torn, stuck between my life and my future and his heart. Each minute I thought on it, it got harder and harder for me to breathe, but I inhaled, holding him close and forcing myself to shut my eyes.
I didn’t know what I was going to do and time was only winding down. I had to let him know sooner or later.
STAY
The following morning, Gage and I called room service for some breakfast. I went with cinnamon-flavored oatmeal and sliced bananas, while Gage went with a simple bowl of cold cereal.
While we were eating, it kind of bothered me that he wasn’t saying much. Yes, he was still smiling and touching me, but it seemed a little off. I tried to think nothing of it, but every time I would look into his eyes, there were millions of questions behind them. There was also grief and hurt from last night.
“Are you okay?” I finally asked after finishing my cereal.
He looked at me over his bowl of cereal, his head nodding. “Fine, Ellie.”
“Are you sure? You seem kind of… off.”
He smirked, slurping down his milk before setting his bowl on the table. “I’m great, Ellie. I feel much better about last night, but… I wanted to ask you something.”
“Okay.” I straightened myself, dropping my spoon into my bowl. “Go ahead.”
“There are two things I wanna talk about.”
I nodded, gulping, and he sighed, running a hand through his wet hair.
“First thing is your PTSD. Tell me about it. Why it happens, how you control it… so on. You were trembling last night and whimpering. I didn’t know whether to wake you or leave you, but you woke yourself.”
“I did?” I whispered.
He nodded, but I couldn’t remember waking up at all.
I swallowed again, folding my fingers on top of the table. Behind Gage there was the window that revealed the New York harbor and the boats and yachts at bay. A few seagulls stirred around the sails, flapping diligently, twisting and turning. Before the sunrise, it was truly a beautiful sight.
“My mom…” I trailed off, shutting my eyes briefly and seeing her face appear. Gage’s chair scraped across the floor and I looked up just as he was standing to bring his chair beside me.
“What about her?” he asked.
“She was a bitch.” I laughed dryly. He didn’t smile, though. His face was stern, waiting for me to provide more. “Let’s just say she’s the worst mom on the planet. Since I’ve started storing memories, all the ones I have of her are terrible. She was manipulative, abusive, deceiving. She knew nothing about the value of family—nothing about protecting her own flesh and blood.” I gripped my spoon, but he leaned forward, loosening my grip and lacing his fingers with mine. “Should I start with my worst memory of her?” I asked, forcing a smile.
“If that’s what you’d like me to hear,” he whispered, watching my face intently. I gripped his hand, forcing myself not to break down. I was told over and over again by Ben not to relive it—to just forget about it—but being with Gage was making me think about it all over again. My past. My pain. All of it.
“Well… I had just turned thirteen. I was no longer a child, but a teenager, and quite frankly, I was excited about it. I didn’t expect my mom to get me anything for my birthday, but usually she would be a bit more lenient and leave me alone. At least she knew when my birthdays were.” I shrugged. He smiled.
“I remember it like it was yesterday. The day my mom got married, it was a few weeks after my thirteenth birthday. Her husband’s name was Jason. He had a beer belly, was balding; his teeth were rotten, and he had terrible body odor. I didn’t know what my mom saw in him. She was a bitch, yes, but she’s a spitting image of me. Pale skin and all. But she’s gorgeous. Same light-blue eyes, same nose, mouth, cheeks, and dimples. The only difference is her hair is darker and sandier than mine, but we’re complete opposites. I admit, I get my personality from Ben.” I lifted a lock of my hair, twirling it around my finger. I could feel Gage staring at me, but I was no longer looking his way. I was zoned in on my empty bowl, my eyes completely distant, remembering it all.
“Jaso was cool at first. We hardly talked to one another and that’s why I thought he was a nice guy—because he didn’t bother me. He worked for a plumbing company and worked early mornings and late nights. Sometimes he wouldn’t come home and I would find my mom crying in her bedroom, most likely over him. He was a cheater… a liar. Then there was one night during my eighth-grade year when things turned… bad.
“I was drawing at our dining table. Jason came home around one that morning and his eyes were bloodshot red. His clothes were all sloppy and disgusting, and as soon as he stepped in, his gaze locked on mine. Only his was deadly. Mom sat up on the sofa and stared at him. She was groggy, but she knew just as well as I did what was about to happen. She stood up and looked directly at me. ‘I told her,’ she said, pointing at me. ‘I told her exactly what you said and she didn’t do it. She didn’t wanna.’
“Jason slammed the door and I remember being scared shitless. ‘Then I guess a punishment is necessary for disobeyin’,’ he said. I was terrified. I’d never heard him sound so dark or even seen my mom quake with fear over him that much. Jason came for me and gripped my arm, and I yelped because his gr
ip was way too tight. I remember it leaving a bruise that I had to cover up for weeks. My heart was beating a mile a minute as he yanked me in front of him, gripped a lock of hair on the back of my head, and shoved me on the floor.” I pressed my lips as my throat dried out. I squeezed my eyes shut, feeling Gage squeeze my hand in his. A few kisses were placed on my cheek, my temple, and my forehead, until he whispered to me that it was okay and to keep going. I nodded, swallowing down all the emotion.
“He dragged me to my mom’s bedroom…” My voice broke as I squeezed my eyes tighter, but I couldn’t fight the tears or the memories. “He… tossed me on the bed… and my mom was just standing there, watching everything. He kept repeating how he needed the money, how important it was to him and how he was going to teach me a lesson. Mom just smirked and folded her arms, shaking her head at me. I hated her so much for not helping, even when I was crying out to her—even when I begged her to protect me. What she said hurt me more than anything, and to this day I always hear her say it. ‘I’m sorry, Liza, but you knew this was important. When we need money, it’s not a joke. Should’ve done what was asked of you.’”
I hadn’t realized I was sobbing, swiping at my face with my free hand. The memories burned me. They stirred my stomach and I felt like vomiting. My breathing turned into deep wheezing and Gage grabbed hold of either side of my face, making me look at him. “Eliza, breathe. Calm down and breathe, babe.”
I swallowed, nodding my head and hoping it would work. I couldn’t see him through the blur my tears created, but I knew his eyes were full of sorrow. His face had hardened, his jaw was ticking, but he nodded his head, telling me continuously to breathe for him. Surprisingly, as I watched his face, my panting decreased and my grip around his arm slacked. He noticed and smiled at me, leaning forward to kiss my tears away. “That’s my sweet Ellie,” he whispered, kissing my nose.
I smiled lightly, my eyes falling to stare at my lap. “It’s just hard to think about again. He hit me so much, even after that night. Another night, he yanked me from the bed to toss me against the wall. I cried to my mom again, but she turned her back to me and walked off. After that night, I never trusted her again. He whipped me… He left marks that wouldn’t heal for months. He left bruises from hitting me against the head, punching me in my stomach… shoving me against my back, making my nose bleed after I hit the ground.” I sniffled as more tears shed.
“The worst part…” I choked out, “was that she never bothered to help me unless she got something in return. Unless I stole from other people for her or unless I agreed to fight other girls my age in cage fights so she could make some extra cash. I guess that was a good thing, though. I learned how to fight for myself, even if I did end up with a black eye or busted lip. I started fighting against Jason when I was in high school, but he was always stronger. I would fight kids in the streets who talked about me or made fun of me. Most times I won… but that wasn’t me. I wanted a normal childhood and a normal life. I didn’t like how I was living for them, robbing for them, breaking bones and shedding blood for them.
“I was this shelled-in girl who didn’t know what to do with her life, where to go, or even how to handle certain situations. After I moved in with Ben, things got better for me, but I didn’t know how to act around him—or anybody—so I kept quiet. I didn’t say anything to anyone, and I kept my distance as best as I could.” I peered at Gage, who was already staring at me, his hazel eyes burning with sincerity. “I didn’t start being myself until I started hanging around you.”
He smiled widely at that, his teeth sparkling from the sun beaconing through the wide window. “Glad I could help, Eliza,” he whispered and then kissed me. He cupped the back of my neck and I moaned, falling into his embrace. He then pulled away, kissing my cheek a few times before sitting back and exhaling. “Wow… that was… a lot to take in. I’m sorry that happened to you. If you want, we can find him and I can beat his ass for you.”
I giggled, shaking my head. “No. That won’t be necessary. They’re both in my past now, and I’m never going back.”
“But what about Ben? During all that, where was he?”
I shrugged. “When I first moved in with Ben, he told me he finally figured out he was gay when I was a baby. He stopped sleeping with my mom, stopped coming home, and he spent most of his time with some man named Franco. I guess there was a day he finally had the courage to tell her, and when he did, she kicked him out and threatened that if he ever showed his face again, she would take him to court and demand child support. From what I know, Ben was already living on a tight budget. He’s told me plenty of times he would’ve taken me away, but he thought my mom was good. He never saw the abusive side in her. When I told him about how she watched Jason hit me, he was shocked. He didn’t think she’d let anyone hurt me since I was all she had.”
I sighed, shrugging again. “He was obviously wrong. I wanted to call Ben every time I felt hurt or alone, but I didn’t know where he was. Mom moved across town, I went to a new school, and she changed our numbers. I found out Ben didn’t live in the same place he told me about when I tried to visit him after school one day. Someone around there told me he’d gotten evicted. His phone was always off because he couldn’t pay the bill, so we ended up losing contact until he visited every high school in Suffolk just to find me. He tells me every day he would have done anything to help me, but he felt I was in better hands with my mom. He didn’t have anything going for himself. He was living off of friends. His choices back then were between food on the table or a roof over his head. He never had enough to have both. At least my mom had a job at one point. She paid bills. She fed me daily. Ben couldn’t do that. His didn’t get paid well enough.”
Gage nodded, grabbing my hand to wrap his fingers around mine. “That’s seriously fucked up of your mom.”
“Yeah, I know. She’s selfish. Always has been. I don’t know how he didn’t see it coming.”
Gage sighed, shaking his head. He was quiet for a few seconds, but then he looked at me, forcing a smile. “So the other thing I wanted to ask was about you leaving…” He paused, running a heavy hand through his hair. “Is there any way I can get you to stay? You know I’d do anything for you, right?”
I lowered my gaze, biting the corner of my bottom lip. “Gage… I can’t stay. School means too much to me. I have to build a life of my own. I was given a scholarship from University of Virginia. I have to keep working for my degree.”
“But I can help you. I can give you whatever you want if you just tell me.”
I shook my head. “I’m sure you’d do anything for me.” I cupped his face. “I know you would do anything for me, but this is something I wanna do for myself. I wanna build my own life, not have someone try and build it for me. Just like you and the band worked hard to get where you are, I wanna work hard to be successful. I wanna be able to look back and see that I actually accomplished my own dreams. There’ll always be time for us. Don’t worry.” I tried not to choke afterward. It was hurting me to say, especially as the rims of his eyes reddened and glistened, but after only a second, he nodded his head.
“The only thing I’m asking is for you to say good-bye to me the right way. I don’t want this between us to die. I love it too much. I love you too damn much. I didn’t think it was possible for me, but damn… It’s un-fucking-believable.” He smirked and I smiled sincerely as I pulled him in against me and held on. I wasn’t sure how I was going to say good-bye, but at least he wasn’t making it too hard for me. “Just think about it, Eliza. I know you’re scared I might hurt you and forget about you, but I promise I’m trying. I promise I won’t. I know I can give you the world and more if you want it. I’ll work hard to keep you happy.”
“I know,” I whispered over his shoulder, but there was no need to think about it.
I had to go.
During the ride back to the buses, we cuddled and talked about how he thought his performance was going to go on Saturday. He told me he had it in t
he bag and that the boys had been practicing so much they had no choice but to be amazing. I agreed. The boys practiced most mornings or early afternoons. It was hard to do without Deed, but they made do. Deed practiced on the bus, trying to regain his strength. He still sounded awesome.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I hopped out and Gage kissed me good-bye. He had an interview at a radio station in thirty minutes and couldn’t be late. Our fingers lingered on each other’s as he took slow steps away, his smile gentle and loving. Finally, he stole another kiss and then hopped into the car. I watched him leave and sighed.
I didn’t see Gage for the rest of the day. I knew he was with his band, so I took the time to paint. I painted Gage’s beautiful face, of course. I’d even created a new logo for FireNine and thought it was pretty cool.
Then the fresh, beautiful memories came back. Putting paint all over Gage’s glorious body. Watching the paint cover some of his tattoos. The way I giggled and he laughed as he tackled me just to put a dot of paint on the center of my forehead. I sighed because it was so vivid, so romantic… so surreal.
The next morning, I felt like I was going to hurl. It was Saturday, the day of the boys’ show. Thinking about it made me sick to my stomach. It made me so sick that I didn’t even attend the show. I knew I should have. I should have been there to support Gage, but my body refused for me to go. The entire day I was grabbing my stomach, a trash bin by my side. I hated how sick I felt, how lonely I felt. I thought I was overreacting… That is, until I finally vomited.
I drank some orange juice to sooth my tummy, then went to my room to do something I really didn’t want to do. Pack. I packed up everything, made the bed, fluffed the pillows, and even cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the living room as well, and when I was out of stuff to do, I slouched down on the couch and tears burned the rims of my eyes. I held back, swallowing and breathing through my nostrils.