Cowboy Way

by Cindy Sutherland

  He heard more footsteps and felt the bed sink behind him before he was gathered up into strong arms, his head tucked into a warm neck, and a voice he thought was lost to him forever in his ear.

  “Hey, hey, what’s going on?” Jake kissed the top of his head and rocked him gently, desperate to calm him down.

  Ryan’s hand came up to grab the front of Jake’s shirt while the other one snaked around his waist, trying to get as close to his boyfriend as possible.

  Jake kept kissing his head and stroking his back, whispering in his ear over and over again. “I’m right here, Ryan, I got you, I love you.”

  Ryan finally calmed down enough to see that his mom was sitting on the bed beside him, rubbing his arm, while he was still held tight against Jake’s chest. His head was throbbing, and he was so thirsty, but he didn’t want to move.

  Jake reached over to the table and grabbed a bottle of water, along with some pills.

  “Here, take these and a little water.”

  Ryan put the pills in his mouth and swallowed a little of the water. It was ice cold and heavenly.

  “Now, can you tell me what’s going on? Why were you crying?” Jake reached up with a tissue, wiping the tears from Ryan’s face.

  Ryan spoke quietly, almost ashamed of what he was saying. “I thought you were gone. I woke up, and you weren’t here, and I thought you left me here.” His voice broke a little, and he had to stop and breathe for a second before he could go on. “I wouldn’t have blamed you. You don’t need this, need me.” His head hung down in defeat.

  “Oh, Ryan, I’m so sorry, baby. I just went to get you those pills and some water. I didn’t think you would wake up so soon.” He put his fingers under Ryan’s chin, forcing him to look up into his eyes.

  “I love you, Ryan, and I’m not going anywhere without you, okay?” He stroked a thumb across Ryan’s cheek and smiled at him, his face full of love.

  “Can you remember what happened, Ryan? When you were with Mike?” Beth was speaking quietly, but he could hear the anger in her voice.

  Ryan closed his eyes for a second, trying to remember through a fog of alcohol and the pain in his head.

  “I remember Jeff.” His voice caught again, so he squeezed Jake’s arm harder, finding the strength to continue. “And leaving and getting to town. I went to Chainsaw’s, because I knew it was the kind of place I belonged.”

  Jake’s heart was breaking at the self-loathing he could hear in Ryan voice. He was about to say something when he heard Beth speak up.

  “Ryan, you don’t belong there, and I don’t want to hear that coming from you again, understand?” Her tone brooked no argument, and Ryan nodded, but Jake knew that Ryan didn’t agree with her.

  He kissed Ryan’s cheek and was gratified at the small smile he got.

  “I started drinking.” He looked at his mother before lowering his eyes in shame. “I drank there a lot back then, when it first happened. I had fake ID then, and it’s the kind of place where they don’t check much. And then I looked up, and he was there, staring at me. There was a weird look in his eyes, and I wasn’t sure what it was at first.” He looked up at Jake and relaxed a little as Jake smiled at him.

  “He sat down beside me and started talking. Told me how much he missed me. And he was sorry for lying, and wished he could take it back.” The tears where running down his face again, and when Jake looked at Beth, he could see the anguish in her eyes as her son broke apart in front of her.

  “I wanted to believe him, Jake, I did. I needed to, so that I could believe that I wasn’t a bad person anymore, and even if he didn’t tell anyone else the truth, at least I knew, right?” His breath was coming in sobs now, but he kept going, needing to get the poison out of his soul.

  “He said his dad would have killed him if he would have told the truth, and I knew it was true, I had seen his face when his father looked at me, like I was less than shit, because I was gay.” Ryan’s voice was shaking, and so was his body, but Jake just wrapped himself further around his love, letting him do what he had to do.

  “Then he touched me. He put his hand on my leg, and it was almost okay, and then I looked up into his eyes and saw that look again. And I knew what it was. He wanted me, and he hated himself for it.” Jake heard someone breathing in the doorway and looked up to see Jeff standing there, with Paul behind him. Jake shook his head quickly, letting them know to be quiet.

  “I knew I had to get out of there, and I needed to get back to you, Jake. God, I wanted to see you, and I stood up to leave, and he grabbed my wrist.” They both looked down reflexively at Ryan’s arm, and Jake hissed a little at the dark bruise on the tanned skin. He lifted it up and kissed it gently, getting a small smile through the tears.

  “I told him to let me go, and he just looked at me until I said people were staring, and he dropped my arm like it was diseased. I told him to leave me alone and walked away. I headed out the back because I had left my phone in the truck, and I wanted to get it and call you, but I guess he followed me outside.” He closed his eyes again, trying to gain some control over himself.

  “He started yelling at me, calling me names, faggot, pussy, stupid stuff. He asked me what the hell was wrong with me, did I think I was too good for him? He grabbed me again when I wouldn’t answer him and shoved me against the wall. And when I hit it, I stumbled and fell, and he was standing over me, and I was so scared. Jake, he was so much bigger, and I was so drunk, and I should have fought harder, but I was so scared.”

  He was crying too hard to talk anymore and Jake just kept holding him, trying to give him his strength. He looked up at the doorway again, and Jeff was still standing there, hand over his mouth, tears in his eyes. His father stood behind him, his mouth set in a grim line. Jake would bet anything that Jim was there, too, just out of sight, listening to every word. He looked at Beth, and tears were falling unashamedly down her face, her hand stroking through Ryan’s hair.

  After a couple of minutes, he was calmer, and he knew he had to finish telling it.

  “He had his hand on my shoulder, pushing me down, and it hurt, and I tried to pull his hand off, but I couldn’t.” Jake knew there would be a bruise under Ryan’s T-shirt, too, but decided he would wait for privacy to check on it. He just kept kissing his hair and the side of his face, tasting tears on his lips.

  “Then he said that, while I was down there, I could finish what he started all those years ago. He laughed, saying it was so easy to turn everyone against me, have everyone believe that the perverted little homo tried to force himself on him. And he was right, Jake, he was. Even people who should have known better, known me better, believed him, and it was easy.”

  Ryan’s voice was flat, almost emotionless now, and that was way scarier than the tears and the despair.

  “And then I was tired of fighting, and all I could do was sit there and cry like a useless baby and let him do what he wanted, because it just didn’t matter anymore. Because he was right. The truth didn’t matter, because everyone just seemed to want to believe the worst of me. People I knew my whole life, who I loved, who were supposed to love me, they believed, and nothing I said ever made a difference.”

  They all sat there in silence for a minute or two, the only sound that of heavy breathing and the occasional sob from Beth as she held Ryan’s hand and cried.

  “And then you came, Jake, you found me and saved me again, and I was so glad to see you. Like my own guardian angel, only, you should have left me, because it doesn’t matter what I do, no one is gonna believe me, ever.”

  “I do.” The soft voice came from the doorway, and the three on the bed all turned to look, seeing the tears running down Jeff’s face. He took one step into the room and stopped, not knowing what to do.

  “I am so sorry, Ryan, I was so stupid. I knew it wasn’t true, always, I did. But it was so hard, and so many people treated me like crap because I was your cousin, and I should have just told them to shut up, they didn’t know what they were talking ab
out, and I did at first.” He took another step closer.

  “But I got tired, and weak and stupid, and so I went along with it, just to fit in, but I shouldn’t have. And I am so sorry, Ryan. I didn’t mean what I said.” His voice was barely a whisper. “I hope someday you can forgive me, Ryan. I didn’t want this to happen, to cause you more trouble, and I have really never, ever been ashamed that you are my cousin, but I think maybe you should be ashamed of me.” He turned to walk out the door, but a quiet voice stopped him.

  “Jeff?” He turned back and saw Ryan sitting there, crying again, but a small smile was on his face, one arm still hooked around Jake, the other held out in invitation. He took it.

  In two seconds he had thrown himself on the bed and let Ryan hug him, both of them crying but happier now that they had said what they needed to.

  Ryan smile mischievously before speaking. “This keeps up, Gramma’s gonna have to put a bigger bed in here.”

  Jake couldn’t help it, he started to chuckle, and it was like a domino effect. Soon they were all laughing, and the aching in Ryan’s head was starting to ease a little.

  “I’m sorry, you guys. I didn’t mean to cause so much trouble, guess you will all be glad to get rid of me tomorrow, huh?”

  Beth glared at him, but Jake spoke first this time.

  “Ryan, there’s something you need to know. About Mike.” He could feel Ryan tremble in his arms at the name, and it made him angry all over again.

  “When we got to you last night, some people came out of the bar and saw what was going on. One of them was an off-duty policeman. He wants to file charges, Ryan, assault charges against Mike.”

  Ryan shook his head. “No way, I’m not, no one is gonna believe me. They’ll just think it’s payback for what they think I did.”

  A throat cleared at the door, and they all looked over again to see Chief Margo Ramsey standing there with Jim.

  “Ryan, we are filing charges against Mike, it was witnessed by too many people not to. But there’s something else you should know.

  Chapter 25

  Ryan looked at the chief with trepidation before nodding.

  “Mike says he’ll plead guilty, but only if he talks to you first!”

  “What? No way, he is not talking to that animal.” Beth’s voice was the first to ring out but not the only one.

  Jake and Ryan looked at each other, and Jake knew what he was going to say. He nodded and held him tightly.

  “I’ll talk to him.”

  His mother gasped, and Jim and Paul were shaking their heads, but Jake squeezed his hand and urged him on.

  “I need to talk to him. I need to hear what he has to say. For me. I need to know why and how he felt it was okay to treat me this way. It may be the only chance I get.”

  He was shaking but determined, and he knew that Jake supported him.

  The chief looked at him shrewdly before nodding.

  “Can you come to the station in about an hour? I need to get your statement anyway, and then you can speak to him, okay?” Her voice was firm, but her eyes were kind, and it made Ryan feel better. He nodded, and she turned and left.

  Ryan looked around at the faces of the people he loved and was a little overwhelmed by all the support he found there.

  He took a deep breath and smiled at them before speaking.

  “Could I have a few minutes? I want to talk to Jake before I go and shower and get ready to go.”

  Beth was reluctant to leave, but Jim took her hand, ruffled Ryan’s hair, clapped Jake on the shoulder, and steered her out the door. Paul wandered down the hall, leaving Ryan, Jake, and Jeff together.

  “Ryan, I’m just… I want….” Jeff was strangling on his words in the effort to get them right.

  Ryan laid his hand over Jeff’s and squeezed.

  “It’s all right, bud. I get it. I forgive you for being a kid who has a lot on his mind and who has taken a lot of shit that wasn’t his to take.” He hugged Jeff again, who looked at Jake nervously, but Jake just smiled and stuck out his hand.

  “No hard feelings?” Jeff accepted the handshake gratefully and got up to leave. He turned back one last time.

  “Ryan, if you ever need backup, I mean, I know you have Jake, but if you ever do, call me up. I’ll be there, I promise.” He looked so earnest that both guys smiled at him, and Ryan nodded.

  “Thanks, Jeff, and now shoo, unless you want to watch me kiss my boyfriend.”

  Jeff’s face turned red up to his ears, and he started out of the room but called back over his shoulder, “Ah, heck, it’s not that bad.” And the sound of his chuckles followed him down the hall.

  Ryan relaxed back against Jake and took comfort from the long arms wrapped around him. Jake kissed him on the temple and just let his head rest against that beautiful blond hair.

  “Jake, you understand, don’t you? Why I have to do this?” He was still shaking a little, but he knew he could get through it if Jake was behind him. “I don’t love him anymore, you know that. At least, I hope you do, but I need some answers to my questions, and he’s the only one who can give them to me. I won’t talk to him, if you don’t want me to.” He looked everywhere but at Jake.

  Jake just nuzzled his face into his hair a little more before kissing his cheek softly.

  “I understand, Ryan. You need closure. If this is how you need to do it, I’m all for it.”

  Ryan’s voice was quiet. “Will you go with me?”

  Jake just grinned. “Try and stop me, babe. Now, get your ass up and into the shower. We have places to be.”

  Ryan started to get up but turned back to kiss Jake gently on the lips before pulling back with a smirk. He backed toward his dresser.

  “You sure seem fascinated with my ass, Evans.”

  “It’s a nice ass, Andrews.”

  Ryan looked at him and raised his eyebrow. “Just nice?”

  Jake leered at him. “How about spectacular, gorgeous, and magnificent?”

  “That might be a bit much, Jake.”

  He was still smirking when Jake crossed to him in three quick steps, snaked his arms around him, and grabbed his ass with both hands, pulling them flush.

  “I’m pretty damn sure that I meant what I said, Ryan.”

  He leaned in for a soft kiss that was quickly heating up into something more.

  Jake finally pulled back and slid his hands back up to Ryan’s waist. “We don’t have time to get carried away right now. Rain check?”

  Ryan rested his head on Jake’s chest for a second, taking a deep breath before pulling away and grabbing his shower stuff. As he headed for the small bathroom attached to the bedroom, he slid his boxers down and gave Jake a quick glimpse of that perfect ass before calling out, “I am gonna hold you to that, Evans!”

  Jake groaned as he heard the shower start. Ryan was gonna be the death of him, he just knew it.

  They arrived at the station and were escorted in to curious stares that made Ryan uncomfortable and nervous. Jake could sense it and made sure to keep touching him at all times, holding his hand and putting his hand on his back. When Ryan sat to give his statement, Jake stood behind him, hands on his shoulders, one of Ryan’s hands hanging onto his.

  He told his story, the same way he had told it that morning, leaving out the most personal feelings he had expressed to his family. A couple of times, the officer he was speaking to looked up sharply and then looked at Ryan with sympathy before going back to her typing. When that was over, they were led to a door and asked to wait there for the chief. It was a short wait, but a hard one.

  When she got there, Margo had some rules. Ryan was never to get close to Mike, and if he was asked to leave, he had to go, no questions asked. Ryan agreed. She opened the door and led them in. Mike looked up curiously when they came in, and his eyes narrowed sharply when he saw Jake and noticed that the two men were holding hands.

  “I said I wanted to talk to Ryan, not any fucking cops, and not Ryan’s fuck-toy boyfriend. Just Ryan, or t
hat’s it, I’m taking my chances with the courts.”

  Jake looked at the chief and started objecting immediately. “Ryan is not staying in here by himself with that jackass—”

  The chief interrupted him, putting up her hands in mock surrender against Jake’s words. “I agree, Jake, it’s not proper—”

  She was interrupted by a soft but firm statement from Ryan.

  “I’m staying.”

  His eyes were locked on Mike’s, and his hand was squeezing Jake’s almost to the point of pain, but Jake knew he was serious. He put his hand on Ryan’s face, turning him gently to look into his eyes.

  “Are you sure, babe?”

  Ryan gave him a small smile, pressed their foreheads together, and gave him a quick kiss. Then he straightened up and pulled back.

  “It’s okay with me, Chief.”

  She looked at him, considering her options, before turning back to Ryan.

  “Are you sure?”

  Ryan nodded, and she turned and left the room, leaving Jake to follow her after one last shared look with his boyfriend and a quick glare at Mike.

  Once the door was closed, Ryan sat at the opposite end of the table from Mike and noticed for the first time that he was handcuffed to the table. He was kind of glad.

  He looked at Mike and waited.

  Mike just smiled at him strangely for a few minutes before finally speaking.

  “So that’s your boyfriend? He bruised my hand.” He sounded pissy.

  Ryan held up his bruised wrist. “Guess we’re even, then.”

  Mike’s eyes widened for a second before his face went back to the emotionless smirk of before.

  “You really are fucking gay, aren’t you, Ryan?” He shook his head like he just couldn’t believe it.

  “Yeah, well, so are you, Mike.”

  Mike gasped and tried to get up but was stopped by the handcuffs. “No, I’m not!” He yelled it, but there was no real conviction behind the words, and they both knew it.

  “So, you think all straight guys go around hitting on other guys? On their friends?”