Dream Me Off My Feet (Sex, Love, And Rock & Roll)

by Kisner, Stevie

  “I can’t find that right now, either. It’s like, I needed it so it sprouted little paper legs and… wait a minute. I know where I stashed all of them for safekeeping.” She smiled for the first time in nearly an hour and trotted off to the sunroom office.

  JT caught up with her as she squatted to pull the faded pink baby book from the stack of photo albums. “There’s a pocket in the back. It’s supposed to be for cards and stuff, but I tucked the birth certificates into it. I thought that was a safe place, since I never open this old thing anymore.”

  “Well, they’re safe all right. Even from you,” he smirked.

  “Shut up, wiseass,” she cracked, standing up again and flipping open the back cover. “See?” she beamed, turning the book toward JT. “Here they are.”

  “Uh-huh.” JT quickly snatched the album from her hands.

  “Hey!” Kori tried to grab it back, but he held it over his head, hopelessly out of her reach.

  “I just wanna look,” JT smirked. “See a little ancient history.” He opened the book, still holding it high, and tilted his head back to look up at the pages.

  “Ancient history?” Kori reached and jumped, but he was a full head taller than she was and angled it neatly out of her grasp. “Who are you calling ancient? You’re two years older than me, bub.”

  “True, but it’s not my baby book,” he grinned, flipping a page. “Bleached your hair even then, huh? Tsk, tsk.”

  “I didn’t bleach my hair then! I mean, I don’t now, either,” she flustered, lunging at the book again.

  With a flick of his elbows, he raised it a little higher. “Knobby knees, too,” he teased.

  “What? I have what?” She inched closer and peered up at the open pages, deciding to take a different tack since she’d never be able to reach as high as he could. “Which picture are you looking at, anyway?”

  “It looks like a cake with a baby under it, actually.” He squinted up at the book. “Funny thing, that cake has your eyes, luv,” he chuckled.

  “Oh, I remember that picture. My first birthday. They let me have an entire little cake to see what I’d do with it.” She was closer now, almost touching, and finding it difficult to not lean into his warmth.

  “So you wore it.” He laughed and looked down at her upturned face so very close to his own. What would you do if I kissed you right now?

  His eyes intensified and Kori took a step away. “You’re not fair, you know that?” she mumbled, unsuccessfully suppressing a shiver. She rubbed her hands over the rash of goose bumps on her arms.

  “Never said I was, Kori.” He closed the book and hugged it tightly to his chest, dashing any hopes she had of taking it away. “Not when I want something.”

  JT dropped to sit on the floor and scooted back to lean against the wall, settling the book into his lap. He patted the carpet to his left. “And what I want right now is to have a look in this old album with you right here to tell me all about it.”

  Kori stayed where she was, her arms still crossed over her chest. “It’s a baby book, JT. I can’t remember most of it. I was too young.”

  He flipped closer to the middle of the book. “Well then, we’ll just look at the parts you weren’t too young to recall.” He saw her look of doubt. “C’mon, humor me. Besides, I’m not giving it back until you do.”

  Giving in, she sat next to him on the floor, making sure to keep a distance between their knees. She glanced over to see what page he’d turned to and groaned.

  “You would have to start there.”

  “What’s the matter, Kori? You look like a little pink-eyed bunny.”

  “I still hate that my mother took that picture. I caught pink eye for my fourth birthday, and she just thought it was so cute that I was in a pink dress, which I hated by the way, and that my eyes were the same color as the dress.”

  JT mumbled, “Yeah, you never did like pink Too girlie. I remember that.”

  Kori looked sharply at him. “What?”

  Oops. “Oh, nothing really. Just that I remember you saying once how you weren’t fond of pink, and now I know why.”

  “Oh. No, I never have liked pink, but it had nothing to do with the dress or this picture. I just wasn’t really a girlie girl. I wasn’t very into dolls or anything, either. I preferred boy’s toys. They were more interesting.”

  JT turned to the next page, revealing her fourth Christmas. As he’d expected, she was surrounded by cars, trucks, Legos and blocks. Contrary to what she’d just said about the dolls, she held one in her hands and grinned widely at the camera. “I thought you didn’t like dolls,” he said, glancing over at her.

  Kori giggled. “Oh, that one was different. I really wanted her. She was called ‘Tumbling Tina’ and she had this little remote control box to make her move. A friend down the street had one, and we had loads of fun making her do… stuff.”

  He quirked a brow at her. “Stuff?”

  She laughed again. “Uh, yeah. See, she was supposed to do somersaults. If you remembered to put her arms up over her head. One time, we forgot the arms, and just pushed the button to make it work.” She dissolved into giggles, unable to continue.

  JT wished he’d been privy to this little escapade, but he didn’t remember it. He waited for her to continue and watched her try an old stage trick to stifle a bout of the giggles. She took a deep breath and held it, her bottom lip clenched between her teeth. It didn’t work, and the laughter broke free. “I’m sorry,” she gasped between giggles.

  JT rolled his eyes and smiled, secretly enjoying the moment. I love to hear the sound of your laugh. Like music to my soul, it is. You haven’t done enough of it lately.

  Her laughter finally tapered off into hiccups and, taking a deep breath, she began again. “See, you were supposed to stand her up and put her arms up over her head, then push the button to start her tumbling. She’d bend over and her arms and legs would sort of pinwheel to make her somersault over and over. If you started her out with her arms down instead of up, she landed on her face when she bent over, rolled onto her back and then just sort of flopped and twitched on the floor. Once we saw that, we didn’t let her do it the right way any more.”

  “Oh, you were a cruel one,” JT laughed in spite of himself, flashes of a near-memory gone before he could capture them for a closer look. He shook his head and turned another page.

  “Well, I was only four, what did I know?”

  So much more than I think you realize, Kori.

  She leaned over to see which page was now on display in JT’s lap. Fifth Birthday was printed with building blocks across the top of the page. There were several photos taped to the page, but JT’s eyes focused on only one.

  Kori smiled at the camera, displaying the gap where her front teeth used to be. She hovered over a golden-frosted cake in the shape of a bear who sported a red vest and bow tie.

  “Josie Bear,” she murmured as JT’s lips silently forming the same words. “God, how I wanted that bear. I really thought I’d get him for my birthday, too, but the only bear I got was the cake. I had to wait two more weeks, ‘til Christmas, to have him.”

  JT knew what the next page held and stalled, not knowing how she, and then he, would react upon seeing the pristine bear that somehow cemented their connection to one another. “I see you’ve given up rubbing the cake in your hair by this point.”

  Kori looked more serious than he’d expected by his attempt at humor. “I didn’t even want to cut that cake! I was almost in tears when my mom cut off his stubby little cake arms and legs.” She smiled then and flushed pink. “I don’t know why that bear captivated me, but it did. You know, I can’t even remember what its proper name was, because I renamed mine as soon as I got him.”

  “Josie Bear.” The words slipped out before he could gain control of his mouth.

  Kori threw JT another sharp look. “How did you know that?”

  Shit! “I, uh, you just said it a moment ago, luv,” he stumbled, hoping his face had retained enough
of the autumn suntan to hide his own flustered coloring.

  “Oh, yeah, I did, didn’t I?” She didn’t sound like she quite believed him.

  Man, you’ve really stuck your foot in it now, JT. His fingers fumbled with the corner of the page, uncertain now whether to turn it. Just get it the fuck over with and do it. What happens, happens.

  He flipped to the familiar entry of Kori’s fifth Christmas.

  “God, he looks so different there.” Kori smiled wistfully, awash in the memories of hugging the stuffed toy for the first time and somehow feeling a completeness that she hadn’t had before.

  “Yeah, he does,” JT added. “He’s got both eyes and his little bow tie. That poor tie didn’t make it through the first washing, if I recall.” Oh, bloody hell, tell me I did NOT just say that!

  Kori gave him a long look he couldn’t interpret, and try as he might he couldn’t pick up what she was thinking. Figures. Now it goes away on me.

  She reached over and took the book from his lap, holding it up to hide it from his view. She flipped through several more pages before settling on what she wanted, then turned it back so he could see it.

  It was a shot of Kori from the chest up, her hands wrapped around the swing chains that passed close to either ear and over her shoulders. “What color were the swing seats, JT?” she asked quietly.

  “Bright yellow,” he replied, inexplicably unable to silence himself.

  She raised a brow but didn’t address his answer. “And which seat was my favorite?”

  “The one closest to the slide. The other one had a small crack in it that pinched your leg unless you had long pants on.” What in the bloomin’ hell am I doing?

  Kori closed the album and held it in her lap sideways, fingers curling over the binding. She kept her eyes trained to the faded pink cover as she whispered, “Just who in the hell are you to me, Joseph Blackwood?”

  Best to be completely open at this point, JT. What she doesn’t already know, she’ll figure out eventually, and it would be far better coming from you right here and now. “I’ve been trying to decipher that since I got here, Cherri with an i.”

  Kori shook her head slowly, denying the very possibility that he’d been the only one all along. “That simply cannot be. I didn’t find you until I was fifteen.”

  JT made no reply, watching her hands tremble as she clutched the book tighter. She stopped the negative motion of her head and looked at him with an expression both somber and shocked. He saw her throat work as she swallowed before whispering, “Josie?”

  JT held her eyes, willing her to see his outpouring of years of love and commitment. His searching gaze found its complement in her eyes; they glittered with building tears. He reached out one large hand to cover both of hers, stilling their tremors. “In the stuffing, love.”

  His bad attempt at humor made a complete flyby; her mouth gaped instead of smiling, and she blinked rapidly several times. Uncertainty and confusion marched clearly across her face; JT saw her head both inside and out as clearly as any photograph.

  She started to violently shake, muttering, “No,” over and over.

  It can’t be him. I’d have felt it; I’d have known. Wouldn’t I? He wants it to be true, but it can’t be.

  No.

  I must have told him about this childhood friend.

  But how could I have? I’d all but forgotten.

  Or he picked it up from me at some point over these last few days.

  I know that’s not true, either. I feel him every time he pays a cerebral visit, and even every time he tries but can’t because I’ve blocked myself off. Like now.

  No.

  Fate is never this tidy. I won’t accept it.

  When I was little, I bared my everything to him, not thinking about it at all at first and later not worrying, certain that we’d never actually meet. He knows my earliest fears and hopes, silly wishes and make-believe. He was the other half of myself.

  Then he changed and I left. He grew up before I was ready to. I had too many questions and he couldn’t even answer them for himself, let alone explain all his changing feelings to me.

  I had to save myself. I had to make sure he didn’t figure out that I was real. I had to push him away.

  God, those were lonely years without him.

  So many changes, and I had to face them alone.

  And the first time my heart was broken by a boy and I clutched Josie Bear again and cried into his dingy fur, I found him once more. I didn’t know it was him, and I didn’t tell him I was there. One tearful night I fell into him sideways and, once I was there, kept silent and watched and listened.

  I guess I was seeking… something. Familiar comfort? Unquestioning acceptance? The warmth of his love? I don’t really know.

  Yes I do.

  The twin to my soul. The other half that makes me whole.

  But NO!

  This means we’ve been part of each other all along. And I don’t like it.

  Because he knows too much about me. Because I can’t stop it. Can’t control it. Can’t turn my back on it. Can’t deny it. Can’t end it.

  Can’t escape it.

  He knows me inside and out, backwards and forwards, shares memories from as early in my life as I remember myself. He knows my triumphs, my flaws, my stubborn pride.

  He loves me in spite of it all.

  I ought find that encouraging, comforting and joyous. I should revel in it and never want to let it go.

  He completes me.

  So then why am I so fucking terrified?

  Kori’s emotions ghosted through him and he felt the acute intensity shift. She was allowing him only the leakage she couldn’t contain; the rest was sealed up tight. Apparently she could still block him out, just not as effectively as before.

  Worry. Disbelief. Fear. No, terror. Why are you so scared, love? After all, you’ve known about me, in one form or another, all along. I’m the one who was bolloxed by a ton of red New Mexico rocks just a few days ago, and I’ve gotten over the initial shock to accept our inevitable fate. I hadn’t a clue you were my rambunctious little Cherri-girl.

  And dammit, why did you shut me out?

  Although weak, her emotions were quite clear. What she was thinking, on the other hand, was still rather a mystery. He had to know, and waiting to find out during an unguarded moment could take more time than his impatience would allow.

  He gently peeled her white-knuckled grip from the spine of the old baby album and threaded her fingers lightly in his. “What are you afraid of, Kori?” he asked quietly, his eyes roaming over her face.

  She sighed and stared down at their intertwined hands. She didn’t pull away, but she didn’t squeeze any tighter, either. After a long moment, she mumbled a reply he almost didn’t hear.

  “It’s all too much.”

  JT sighed himself, frustrated by her sudden reluctance. “You know what I’m afraid of?” he offered.

  She shook her head.

  He kept his voice low and his eyes on her downcast face. “I’ve never felt for anyone the way I feel for you. In my wildest imaginings I didn’t know love could be so powerful or so deep. That’s not what scares the bloody hell out of me, though.”

  Her gaze flickered upward, traveling over his face but still not daring to meet the concentrated intensity lingering in his eyes. “That I can’t ever get enough of you. That no matter how many years are left in my future, the time will never be long enough to tell you nor to show you how much I feel. Now that I’ve found you, discovered who you’ve been to me all my life, can I breathe without you near me? Would I even want to, if you were gone?”

  He searched her face, wishing she would look up. “And do I ever want to find out?” he murmured

  Her fingers flexed convulsively in his and he watched her shoulders hitch just once as she held back tears. She’s fighting it. Hell, she’s fighting with herself over this. I know she can’t reconcile her feelings until she’s free, but dammit, she needs to fully und
erstand how I feel. “You stole my heart years ago then set it free to grow and learn and live. But it was always yours anyway, Kori. I knew it even then and I’ve spent the better part of my life trying to find you again so I could give it back.”

  He’d hoped to settle her fears with his honesty. So what she said next would have had him floored if he wasn’t already down there sitting on it.

  “Damn you, JT Blackwood. Damn you and your pretty poet’s words. How in the hell can I argue when you say things like that?”

  “An argument’s not what I was looking for, sweetheart. I wanted to know what you’re so frightened of so that maybe I can lay some of those fears to rest.”

  “But what you said will make it all sound so petty and stupid. And maybe it is petty and stupid.”

  “That’s neither here nor there, Kori. And you’re stalling.”

  “All right, then. You want the truth?” She met his gaze then with eyes full of love and a heavy dose of worry. “It’s everything. Or maybe it’s all really a bunch of nothings that add up to too much. I’m afraid of losing you and scared of having you, too. Of wanting too much and not getting it. And also of getting it, because if you have something, that means you can lose it.”

  JT saw the glitter of tears building in the corners of her eyes, felt the upward spiral of her fright, and knew the fear that had the deepest hooks was coming next. He gave her credit for not looking away.

  “I’m worried that maybe I’m not cut out for life with a rock star.”

  He interrupted in a gentle voice. “That’s my job, love, not who I am. You know me, I’m just JT. The guy whose mind you hung out in. You’ve known me all my life, Kori, through all the changes, all the success, the failure, the worries and the problems. I’m still just me. JT. Josie. The kid who tagged along in your thoughts when he was supposed to be sleeping.”

  “But it’s different now.”

  Aha! “Why’s it different now?”

  She bit her lip and hesitated. “Because you’re JT Fucking Blackwood, that’s why.”

  “Oh, for crying out loud.” He shook his head, dragging his bangs away from his face with his free hand. “After all we’ve done together, you picked one hell of a time to suddenly get starstruck.” He watched as she fought the embarrassed smile that tugged at the corners of her mouth. He was impressed that she won and the smile faded away again.