by London Casey
I laughed again.
Forty two months.
Where did she pull that from?
Sadie went back to her show. I snuck away into the kitchen to get things in order. Standing at the sink, rinsing dishes to put into the dishwasher I caught the reflection of myself in the window - dark outside, light in the kitchen - and I paused.
This was what my life could have been.
If I had gone to college. Well, finished college. If I had met someone there. Maybe changed my major to something more real, as so many people teased me for. The whole idea of creative writing was thrown in my face like it was something wrong.
From there, life twisted and turned a little more than I cared for it to do. But it all somehow worked out. I was one of the lucky ones to land a book deal. To have stuff published. To make a living at it.
Until it all changed again.
Feeling pressured on all sides, I went back to school and got a degree in education. I was told that it was the logical thing to do with creative writing. All I did was listen to others until I finally decided to listen to myself.
Then the call came about my grandmother.
I dried my hands and set the timer on the dishwasher to run in four hours. It was like magic to me to wake up the next morning and have the dishes done. Such small things mattered to me.
I checked my phone.
Nothing from Jake.
“So, Sadie, I think our project…”
Sadie had her head to the side. Her hand in the popcorn bowl. Out cold.
I smiled ear to ear.
Her messy, dark hair falling in her face. Her little heart and mind and body needing rest after such a busy day.
I grabbed my phone and took a picture.
I texted it to Jake with a message.
I guess someone had a long day :)
I put my phone on the coffee table and grabbed a pillow and a blanket. I gently moved Sadie so I didn’t disturb her. I cradled her head as I put it down to the pillow. I tossed the blanket over her little body and brought it up to her chin. I put a couple pillows on the floor just in case she rolled and toppled off the couch.
There was one thing missing.
I crept back to the dining room and grabbed Bo the stuffed unicorn and brought it to Sadie. I peeled her right arm open and tucked Bo there. Her right hand quickly searched for the horn and started to play with it.
She let out a little noise.
“Night, Sadie,” I whispered.
I leaned forward with the sudden urge to kiss her cheek.
But I hesitated. I pulled back. I fell to my ass on the floor and sat there with a sense of shock.
Would that have been too far? Would that have been wrong?
I wasn’t sure if there were actual lines to cross but I felt like I had been getting dangerously close to one.
I ended up with tears in my eyes, looking up, blinking fast.
It was maybe a little irrational but the moment really crashed down on me.
Little Sadie had been getting tucked into bed for a long time without a kiss goodnight from her mother. Without a kiss goodnight from a woman, someone who could be her mother.
I stared at Sadie for a few minutes. That precious face. She didn’t look like Jake, no offense to him. So that meant all those little features were her mother’s.
I swallowed hard.
I suddenly felt guilty.
Like I was stepping on someone’s toes.
The way I felt about Jake. The way I stepped in with Sadie.
I took a shaky breath.
My phone buzzed.
A reply from Jake.
Leaving in a few. Can’t believe she crashed there. She only sleeps in her bed or mine. You did amazing, Emily. Thank you
I smiled as a stray tear escape my right eye.
I climbed up and sat on the couch. I grabbed a notebook. I had the urge to write.
But all I could think about was one thing.
I wanted to make a promise to both Jake and Sadie… but I couldn’t compete with the love they both lost…
Jake texted me when he was at the door.
See, something like that felt like a punch to the gut. A punch from a hand holding a million butterflies.
This tall, strong, rough looking man yet he had the gentle heart to know not to knock or ring the doorbell.
I opened the door and Jake stood there in the same t-shirt as I saw him in earlier, dirty and tight to his body from the hours of sweat and hard work. His eyes looked tired and his face had some black marks from dirt and grease.
“Hey,” I whispered.
“Hey,” he said. “She still sleeping?”
“Out cold.”
“That’s amazing. That’s good. If she stays up too late she gets a second wind and nobody needs to experience that side of Sadie. More hyper than that time she got a can of soda without me knowing. A three year old and caffeine…”
“We made a project for you, Jake.”
“Oh?”
“She really missed you. There were a few times I thought she was going to lose it. So I finally told her we should make you something.”
“Damn,” he said. He rubbed his forehead. “I’m sorry, Em… ily. She gets…”
“It’s okay, Jake. You’re her father. She has every right to miss you. No matter what. I know if I had… well, whatever…”
If I had parents to miss, I would. Well, I do have parents, Jake, but they just don’t… I mean, I don’t know who they are. So I can’t really miss them. I mean, I miss them. I miss the idea of them. I miss them in a sense of imagining all the things they were supposed to do for me.
“You okay?” he asked.
“Sorry. Yeah. Um… you want to come in for a second? I’ll show you what we made. It’s just about dry.”
“Dry?”
“Yeah.”
“What did you make…”
“What?”
“Tell me she suckered you into glue and glitter.”
“She’s very convincing,” I said with a grin. “She’ll make a great lawyer someday.”
Jake sighed. “Yeah, right. Glitter. I hate glitter. You know, all the shit I deal with in life, I have a mental list of things I hate. Ketchup stains on clothes, bubble gum, and glitter. I’m sure there’s more but I feel like a big pussy right now.”
I laughed.
Jake was standing like ten feet tall. His shoulders were too wide to fit through my door. He looked roughed up with smoldering eyes and a jaw that looked like someone took the time to chisel it from stone. There was nothing pussy about the man. And if he thought for a second that him washing Sadie’s clothes made him any less manly then he should have felt the feeling in the pit of my stomach… a feeling that slowly inched its way down, down, down… down my body.
“Let me show you,” I said. “You need a drink? A beer? She’s on the couch, Jake. I’ve been listening to nothing but high pitched voices talking about colors and shapes. And that’s on top of working today. I need adult interaction.”
Interaction?
I felt my face flush, my cheeks slowly setting themselves on fire.
The word interaction while looking at Jake made my heart and mind flutter, giggle, and quickly imply…
“Sure,” Jake said. “Let me give my daughter a kiss first.”
He came into the house and walked to Sadie.
He paused and pointed to the pillows on the floor.
“I don’t know if she rolls around in her sleep,” I whispered. “I didn’t want her to fall and hit the floor.”
“It’s carpeting,” he whispered. “And it’s like two feet.”
“So? I didn’t want her to get hurt. Or scared.”
Jake smiled. An actual real smile.
He dropped to one knee next to his daughter.
His big hand touched her head, almost covering her. No wonder Sadie missed him so much. He was her protector. His touch made her feel safe. He was all she had. And that was a lot of pr
essure for one person to bear.
I felt my heart tighten a little.
Jake kissed Sadie’s cheek and then stood up.
He looked at me and nodded.
I pointed to the dining room.
It occurred to me the last time we were in that room together, we kissed.
I wondered if the same thing would happen again.
More than that… I wanted it to happen.
I showed Jake the painting we had worked on. I took a large poster board and let Sadie go to town on it. Paint. Glue. Glitter. Whatever she wanted. Of course, she drew a picture of Bo. That was her favorite thing to draw, it seemed. Then she made a rainbow. Then she asked me to help her spell out I miss you, Daddy.
At the bottom right corner she signed her name in big, crooked letters. Sadie.
Jake lifted the picture off the table, smiling. He shook it and watched as some loose glitter started to fall. He glanced over at me.
“I have a vacuum,” I said. “I don’t care about glitter.”
He held it up. “I think this’ll look good over my bed. What do you think?”
“I agree.”
“You think a woman would be okay with that? You know, bring someone home from a date and there’s a unicorn and rainbow painting above the headboard?”
For some reason I suddenly felt jealous. Jake bringing a woman home? Taking her to bed?
“Yeah,” I said, “that will work.”
Jake laughed. “Yeah right.”
“Jake… have you…”
Jake shook the picture again. No glitter fell. The poster board made noise that sounded like weak thunder.
“I really appreciate this,” he said. “Everything. That Sadie’s okay and comfortable. That you let her into your home and make a mess.”
“My house is already a mess,” I said. “I’m so scattered with everything. Moving, unpacking, just… I’m getting used to this. Living alone.”
“You didn’t live alone before?” Jake asked.
I shook my head. “I took care of my grandmother.”
“Oh,” he said. “She…”
I nodded. “So I decided to buy a house. Start over basically.”
“Damn, Emily. I’m sorry.”
“How about that beer?” I asked.
“Of course,” he said.
“I left the booster seat in my car,” I said. “You can grab it tomorrow if you want.”
“You can keep it,” Jake said. “And the glitter, too.”
I looked back at him.
Keep the seat?
Jake was staring at the picture Sadie made him again.
A smile crept along his face.
I wasn’t going to bring anything else up.
It was good to see Jake smile. It was good to see Jake happy.
I wanted him to keep that way. He deserved it.
Hell… he sort of made me happy… even if he was sometimes a total ass.
Chapter Fifteen
The Name, Wrong
(Jake)
I sat on the deck and looked over to my house. To my deck. A small light in the kitchen, the one above the sink, the one I always left on. That was her favorite light. Of all the features, she loved that little light.
My thumb flicked over the opening of the bottle.
A citronella candle tingled my nose and the flame danced left to right with even the softest of breezes.
What a fucking day.
“What a fucking day,” I said as I turned and looked at Emily.
“Oh yeah?”
“Just a long day.”
“You were alone?”
“I had one guy there. Good guy. Loyal but not very smart. Just leaves me understanding how Mickey and I depend on each other. But he’s getting up there in age.”
Emily nodded. She was listening to my bullshit. Staring at me as I spoke.
When was the last time I had a conversation with a woman?
“He offered to sell me the place so many times,” I said.
“Oh yeah? Do you want it?”
“That garage means a lot to me. But it comes with a lot of shit.”
“That’s any job, right?”
“True. Right now, what we have is good. I just need Mickey to not hit his damn head again.”
“Maybe you should buy him a helmet,” Emily said.
I laughed. “That’s a good idea.”
“Get him one of those kids ones,” she said. “With like spikes and stuff.”
I snapped my fingers. “Better yet. I have Sadie’s old helmet from when she was two. Little pink thing with a big unicorn sticker on it. I’ll bring that in tomorrow. We’ll all break his balls a little.”
Emily giggled.
Fuck, she was sexy. The way the candlelight touched her face, so soft and delicate. Making me jealous of the candlelight. Making my fingers twitch a little.
I looked away. I sighed.
“You know, the people that used to live here… they weren’t social. I really never talked to them. From what I heard they had two kids that were grown with kids of their own. But not many visits. So they sold. Then again, what the hell do I know? You see what my life is.”
“Your life is okay, Jake.”
“Don’t tell someone that. Ever. You don’t know what someone is going through.”
I looked at her.
Calm, Jake. Calm.
There was silence for a few minutes.
The situation should have been awkward but I felt comfortable. Emily made me feel comfortable.
“It’s been a long day,” I finally said. “A long night so far too. I have to be at the garage early tomorrow.”
“Do you need help with Sadie?” she asked.
“No. No, I’m not going to…”
“Jake…”
I sighed. “Okay. Fine. You could help by taking her to the center. I’ll be there to get her though. She’ll go to the babysitter’s and then I’ll get her like I normally do.”
“If anything changes, let me know,” she said. “I’m here.”
I rubbed my chin. “Emily. You have your house here. You didn’t get your painting done yet. You still have boxes everywhere. So why… what are you doing?”
She raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?
“It’s like you’re avoiding facing where you are,” I said. “You should take time for yourself and your new house.”
“Wait. You’re giving me advice? I’m just trying to help you out, Jake.”
“I did fine before you moved in next door, Emily. I didn’t ask you…”
“You came to my door and asked for help. You walked over here to help me when you saw me with my table. You fixed my table.”
I stood up. “Okay. Fine. And you see what happens? I do something and next thing I know it turns into this.”
“Into what?”
“My daughter on your couch. We’re drinking a beer. I should be home, Emily. Not here. I should be…”
I stepped back from the table.
Emily stood up and hurried around the table. “You don’t need to question anything you’re doing, Jake. What you’re doing is amazing. You’re a… a single father. Raising that girl on your own. And you’re doing a great job, Jake. She’s so smart. She’s so kind.”
“That’s not me, Emily. That’s genetics.”
“Really?”
“I’m a miserable prick. That’s part of the charm. But the thing is… that charm has worn off. There’s not a day that I don’t…”
I bit my tongue and turned around.
Fuck. How did this end up here?
“My grandmother had Alzheimer’s and dementia. She had it for a while but was able to hide it. Then when things turned bad I moved in with her. I gave up my entire life for her. Because she raised me. I had no mother. I had no father. Just her. That’s been my life for the last few years, Jake. And then she was just suddenly gone. The friends I made were nurses and they were gone too. Any friends I did have were already gone. I miss
ed out on Friday nights out. Saturday nights out. Random nights out. I missed everything. My life was eating off a table in the living room, watching the news, game shows, reality shows. And now I suddenly have freedom, Jake.”
I heard her talking but kept my back to her.
… she was just suddenly gone…
I felt a boulder climb up the back of my throat.
“Okay,” I finally said. “I get it. I’m sorry for what you went through. I’m sorry for criticizing the house, okay?”
“Jake, turn around and look at me.”
Stubborn and defiant, demanding I keep some kind of power in whatever this thing was between us. Neighbors? Friends? Something more on the horizon?
“Right,” Emily said. “I don’t know what we’re doing here, Jake. I’ve been really alone, for years. I watched my grandmother slip away. Day by day. I was alone with her. So when I had the chance to get this house, I took it. And I wanted to do something different. So that’s why I took the job at the center. I have credentials. I went to school for it. I just wanted to see all that innocence. And having Sadie next door just helps me realize that through the thick of bullshit, there’s something good.”
That’s when I turned around. That’s when I stared her down. That’s when I stepped forward, hands at her hips, lifted her up, and put her on the table. The table jumped, the beer bottles toppled over. They rolled to the deck but they didn’t break.
Emily reached up and touched my face. Her hands at my cheeks. Her nails digging in just enough to remind me that I was still very much alive and still very much in need…
“It’s okay,” she whispered. “Whatever happened to you, Jake. I’m not trying to change anything. I’m not trying to take anything. I’m just… here.”
I put my head down to hers, forehead to forehead. The tips of our noses touching for a few seconds.
I turned my head slightly and the kiss felt inevitable.
At that exact second I had a feeling that someone was watching us. I swore that if I spun around I would see Everly sitting in her chair on the deck, watching. She would be crying, knowing that my heart was…
“Jake,” Emily said. “We’re busted…”
Sadie yawned and rubbed her eyes as she stood at the sliding door.
I jumped back and flexed my jaw.