by London Casey
I sat on the floor in her room and watched her sleep.
When six o’clock came around I went back to my bed. But I didn’t sleep.
Seven, on the dot, Sadie came into the room. She had a bag in her hand. A bag full of stuff for you. She put it on the bed and stood there, confused. Shit, I was confused too. I had to think quick. That’s part of my job now.
But I didn’t think quick enough.
Sadie started to cry.
I fell to the floor and held her in my arms as she cried.
There were no words, Everly. No fucking words for it.
I held back my tears until much later.
I put Sadie on the bed and she showed me everything she made for you.
A white coffee mug that she painted Mom onto, along with a stick figure picture of a unicorn. She cut out a heart and had handprints on each side. She had a popsicle stick picture frame with a picture of her in the middle. Then there was a laminated poem and she wrote her own name at the bottom.
It was all beautiful, Everly.
I told Sadie that we needed to put it all out on the table. So that the angels would let you see everything. It was the first thing that came to mind. Angels. To Sadie, angels were something magical and it was her only hope of ever seeing you again.
I think I’m fucking up every day here, Everly.
It’s almost midnight and Sadie is asleep. I know all around me, in the neighborhood, town, state, country… there are mothers going to bed with smiles. Daughters feeling good for the love they shared with their mothers.
Our daughter didn’t get that today. She picked at her food. I did everything to make her smile. I attended a two hour tea party, sitting in a tiny chair, my legs going numb. I let her put makeup on my face. I can still taste cherry and my lips are still a little red.
But no matter what, each time I looked into her eyes, I saw her pain, doubt, confusion, and her loss.
At least she’s sleeping now. Hopefully dreaming of you. Dreaming of what today should have been.
Everly… wherever you are right now… Happy Mother’s Day.
I love you endlessly,
Jake
Chapter Thirty-Two
The Mother Daughter Problem
(Emily)
“I need to talk to you,” Julie whispered to me as she passed out bottles of glue.
“Before or after we leave the kids with glue?” I asked with a smile.
“I’m thinking after,” she said.
Then why say something to me now?
I realized in the last couple of weeks that while Jake and I got closer, everyone around us noticed. Sadie had no filter, which was expected for a four year old, forever being excited when I had a sleepover with her Daddy. Which sounded weird, but whatever.
Julie hadn’t come out and asked me anything, but there were hints. I was slowly assumed as being the mother of Sadie when it came to things that Jake would normally handle at the center. Julie gave me Sadie’s artwork to take home. She gave me things to tell Jake, in case she didn’t see him. Not to mention I just had a strange sense that everyone was looking at me. All the parents coming to pick up their kids never gave me more than a simple head nod or hello. But now I got glances, smiles, more than a hello, and eyes that were perhaps warning that I was involved with a grieving, brokenhearted man.
It was all so… strange.
It took an hour to get through the glue project. We were working on princesses and knights. Kings and queens. Everything fairytale, which was right up Sadie’s alley. She was bright eyed and full of ideas when it came down to it. I loved seeing her so passionate about something. Taking charge in the classroom.
We got to lunchtime and I sat at the end of Julie’s desk, slamming a fork into a piece of romaine that didn’t want to get eaten.
“So, we have to talk,” Julie said.
“Right.”
“We’re going to be putting together something fun in the class with the whole fairytale thing.”
“Right,” I said.
“You know that most of the parents that come are… the mothers.”
“Right,” I said, my voice dropping like my heart.
“Jake,” Julie said. “I’m sure he’ll be here.”
“I’m sure.”
“We were looking to invite all the mothers for a tea party kind of thing,” Julie said. “I know the situation is different…”
“Why not just something standard?” I asked. “So the boys are having this tea party too?”
“With their mothers,” Julie said. “It won’t be so bad, right?”
I think it’s a terrible fucking idea, honestly.
“Can we just do princesses and knights? Or something generic? Let the girls have tea parties while the boys…”
“Do what?” Julie asked. “We can’t have anything with weapons, you know that.”
“So maybe just have a party?” I asked. “Nothing serious. Nothing implied for mothers and kids.”
“Right,” Julie said. “Of course. I just wasn’t sure if you wanted to be here for Sadie. Or what Jake will want to do. Sadie wants to do a princess thing. And when this crops up it’s so painful.”
“Right,” I said.
There were too many right’s being spoken, meaning we were both leaving unsaid words on the table.
“I don’t know how to approach Jake about it,” Julie said. “And since you’re…”
“I’m what? What am I?”
Julie pushed back in her chair. “You’re pretty lucky, Emily. Being with Jake. It’s… I mean, I’ve always…”
I nodded and took the higher road. “Okay, I get it. I’m sorry. I just feel like everyone is watching me. Us. Whatever is happening… it’s nobody’s business, you know?”
“I know,” Julie said. “But the thing is, what happened was just devastating. And Jake just kept to himself for so long about it. He never did anything but take care of Sadie and work. Which is fine. I don’t know, I just think everyone cares. In a good way. I’m sorry for bringing this to you. It’s beyond what you’re here for. I crossed the line.”
“No you didn’t,” I said. “It’s a valid thing to bring up. I just hate that” - I looked up to make sure she wasn’t around - “I hate that Sadie has to go through so much involving her mother.”
“So do I,” Julie said. “So do I.”
We both looked over at Sadie as she held a black horse in one hand and a princess doll in the other. She was playing with two other girls - Jess and Olivia - and they were going over the rules of the castle. It was a very in-depth set of rules.
But I wasn’t listening to them. I wasn’t listening to Julie either as she started some story about grocery shopping.
I just stared at Sadie.
Jake had been right with everything.
I was carrying a huge weight… and my legs were feeling wobbly.
I put Sadie on my lap at the top of the slide. Behind us, Jake was stomping his feet as he climbed the swing set ladder extra slow. He let out growls and noises, making Sadie clutch my hands tighter to her small body.
“Hurry!” Sadie yelled. “Our horse is waiting! Get away from the mountain troll!”
“I’ll eat you!” Jake yelled.
He jumped forward as I pushed down the slide.
It was just a ten foot yellow slide, but in my mind - and Sadie’s - it was a steep cliff. Trees all around. The ground rumbling under us. The threat of the mountain troll jumping at us growing more and more by the second.
At the bottom of the slide I jumped up and took Sadie’s hand. Jake came down the slide face first. We hurried through the yard, pretending we were on horses. We ran all the way to the apple tree.
“He won’t get us now!” Sadie cried out.
Jake came charging through the yard at us.
“I have an idea,” I said.
I grabbed one of the little apples off a branch. On a whim of luck, I threw it, just for fun. Well damn if I didn’t have expert aim as th
e little apple clonked Jake right on the forehead. Without missing a beat he jumped up and fell to the ground, twitching.
“We did it,” I said to Sadie.
She grabbed my hand. She smiled so big. “Yes we did.”
The game was over and we walked up to Jake who was propped up on his elbows for one last grab. He went for Sadie and dragged her to the grass, tickling her. Her laughter was infectious. Her messy hair flopping around as her dad tickled her.
Jake stopped.
Before I could say a word, he grabbed my legs and bent my knees, making me collapse on him.
“Is Emily ticklish?” Jake asked in a weird voice. “Let’s find out!”
“Jake!” I yelled.
His fingers dug into my sides. It was an instant ticklish feeling, along with being insanely turned on at the same time. Which was weird because Sadie was next to us, giggling. There was serious flirting and feelings there as I wrestled away from him.
“Come here, Sadie,” I said. She took my hand. “Since the mountain troll lost… he should buy us dinner. Right?”
“Yes,” Sadie said. “Pizza?”
“Pizza?” Jake asked. “How many times do you eat pizza a week?”
“I don’t know,” Sadie said. “Whenever you buy it.”
“How about you buy it this time?” Jake asked.
“I’m a princess,” Sadie said. “I don’t have a wallet. You buy me things, mountain troll.”
Jake reached for Sadie and she jumped back, crying my name. I blocked Jake’s way and he stood up. In two seconds, he was towering over me. I studied those chiseled features and they scared me. I was so wildly in love with Jake and everything about his life.
“Got something in your eye?” he asked me with a grin.
“Lots,” I whispered.
He moved down.
I put a hand to his stomach. “Jake…”
He shook his head. “I don’t care.”
Jake kissed me. Right in front of Sadie.
“Gross,” Sadie said. “You’re kissing a mountain troll!”
I broke the kiss and licked my lips, making a gross face. “Sadie. Hurry. Run. I think I’m becoming one now!”
“No!” Sadie yelled and ran toward the house.
I looked at Jake and kissed his scruffy chin. “I love you, Jake. I love all of this.”
“I know you do,” he said. “This is… really good.”
“Hey, can we talk about that stuff after Sadie goes to bed? The tea party nonsense…”
“No need,” Jake said. “I have it covered.”
“You do? I was going to offer…”
“Em, I’ve got it covered,” Jake said. “I’ll be there for my daughter. It’s my job.”
I smiled but felt a little empty. It was Jake’s job. Sadie was his daughter. But for a second I thought maybe I could stand in for a few minutes. Be more than whatever I was. A neighbor? A friend? Jake’s girlfriend? Jake’s… what?
“Hey,” Jake said. He touched my chin. “Don’t think about it so much. Just trust me. Now, I better go order some pizza before I get accused of being a real mountain troll.”
“You’re my mountain troll, Jake,” I said and grabbed his hand.
I didn’t know why but I had a sudden feeling that I was going to lose him. That sinking feeling of being second in line. A feeling that I hated myself for…
Jake squeezed my hand back and kissed it.
That was his chance to say something to me but he didn’t.
He walked away when Sadie called his name.
I stood there alone, looking at his house, looking at my house. Looking at that little white fence that separated our property lines.
The gut sinking feeling wouldn’t go away though.
I just knew it… I was going to lose Jake… and it was the one time I wish I wasn’t right.
Chapter Thirty-Three
The Forbidden Room
(Emily)
It all had become so normal.
And in some ways, weird.
Like I had two places to live.
Sometimes my house. Sometimes Jake’s house. Sometimes I’d be on the deck with a notebook, having a drink, and Jake would just show up.
That’s what happened tonight.
In the back of my mind I was still thinking about the daycare situation. The classroom was being shifted into a castle. The girls were talking about their favorite princess things, with Sadie leading the way each day. The girls talked about their mothers coming for the tea party. Sadie didn’t speak a word about that. The boys were more interested in the dangerous stuff like dragons, fire, swords, fighting, the typical boy stuff.
My head and heart were just battling over… everything.
I put the pencil to paper when I heard a little whistle.
I turned my head and a shadowy figure walked up on my deck.
“Good evening, my princess,” Jake said in a some kind of weird accent.
He walked to me and kissed me.
I reached for his face. “Advice?”
“What?”
“Quit it with the accents,” I said. “They don’t fit you.”
“Ouch,” Jake said. “What are you working on?”
I hurried to close the notebook. “Nothing.”
“Secretive, huh?”
“No.”
“Then let me read it.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“Jake…”
“I get it,” he said. “I’m just curious. Is that stuff going to get published?”
“It might. Some stuff I send to my editor, some stuff I don’t. It’s up to me.”
“You’re the princess and the queen, huh?”
“Sure,” I said. “Can we stop with the castle talk? I’m burned out on it.”
“Don’t tell that to Sadie, it’ll break her heart.”
“Funny,” I said.
Jake reached for my hand. “Hey. Are you sure everything is okay?”
I looked at him and swallowed hard.
The last few days had been hard. And I couldn’t figure out why. It was like something bad had happened or was going to happen and I didn’t know what, when, nothing. And I didn’t like like that.
Jake stood up. “Em, if you close up on me…”
“I don’t know,” I said. I put a hand to the notebook and shoved it away. “I don’t fucking know right now, Jake. I’m stuck in between everything.”
“What do you mean?”
“Look at this,” I said. “Look at us. I… I have this house. I just bought it. I don’t even feel like it’s my home anymore. But I can’t feel like your house is home because it’s not. It’s your home. It’s your… life. I don’t know what I am to Sadie or what I should be to Sadie. Or to you. Or what I should do or say next. I feel like everyone is watching us. Watching me. Questioning me. Talking…” I shook my head. “I’m not like this. I don’t do this.”
Jake put his hands to my shoulders. “Em, take a breath in and hold it for a few seconds. Then slowly let it out.”
I did what he said.
“Feel better?” he asked.
“No.”
“I know. They tell me to do that and it doesn’t work for me either.”
“They?”
“Shit. Okay. Come with me, Em. I want to show you something. Tell you something.”
Jake took my hand.
He walked in the direction of his house. I went with him.
Through the back door. To the stairs.
Up the stairs.
A quick pause at the top.
Slight hesitation.
Jake glanced back at me, a somber look on his face. The look I remembered first seeing not that long ago. When he was just the man next door. When I knew nothing of him. When I wondered about his life. The man so wickedly sexy, ruggedly beautiful.
He gave a nod and did something I never thought he would do.
He walked toward the master bedroom… the room he hadn’t
been inside since Everly died.
Jake opened the door and I grabbed at his arm.
“You don’t…”
“I do,” he said. “For you, Em. I do.”
My heart raced. Faster than I could remember in a long time.
I stepped over the threshold of the master bedroom. Where Jake and Everly had shared their love together.
Jake made just a handful of steps before he stopped. I watched him look around the bedroom. The large, white bed. The white dressers and night stands. Lamps on each nightstand. Pictures on the dresser, stuck in the mirror.
Jake walked to the dresser and grabbed a picture. I watched the way he held it, so delicately, like it was his newborn baby.
“Can I see?” I whispered.
He turned and I saw his eyes were already glossy. “Here.”
I took the picture.
It was of him and Everly. Jake’s face was clean cut, no facial hair, his jaw line cut smooth. He had a hat on backwards, trying to look cool and tough. Everly had her head on his shoulder, her beautiful face… a perfect match of Sadie.
It actually left me breathless for a moment.
The eyes. The hair. The cheeks. Even the big smile, like her mouth was too big for her face.
My thumb ran across the glass frame. I felt heartbroken. I felt guilty.
“Jake… she’s beautiful.” I looked at Jake. “Sadie is her twin.”
“I know,” Jake said. “I know. From the second Sadie was born, they were identical.”
I held the frame out and Jake took it back. He placed it right where it had been. He put his hands to the dresser and lowered his head.
I saw one of the closet doors open.
Had it been like that for years?
“When it happened, it was so fast,” Jake said. “It wasn’t like anyone was waiting for it. Okay?”