Sarah wasn’t the only performer excited about the glittering night, which would also be marking its centenary year. Michael McIntyre, who was set to host the event, was also overjoyed. He joked: ‘It’s a dream come true to be introducing the likes of Take That, Cheryl Cole and Prince Charles’s own personal booking, NDubz.’
And Jack Whitehall was looking forward to the event because it meant he could finally make up for a missed opportunity in his teens. ‘Prince Charles came to my school once when I was 16, but there wasn’t time to tell him any jokes,’ he said. ‘Now I have the opportunity to. Maybe it’s fate.’
Fellow comic Micky Flanagan wasn’t worried about the extravaganza, saying he had a foolproof back-up plan if his act bombed on stage. ‘If things don’t work out at the comedy, I might have a word with Charles to see if I can get the contract for doing the windows at the palace,’ he said, cheerfully.
For tenor Russell Watson, performing at the show was especially poignant – because he had battled a brain tumour in the nine years since his last Variety Performance. ‘As an entertainer there are few greater moments than a performance on the Royal Variety,’ he said. ‘After my health problems of the last few years it’s an even more significant career moment for me.’
Singer Rumer was also on the bill – she would be taking to the stage with jazz star Jamie Cullum. And Kylie Minogue, Susan Boyle and Kinks singer Ray Davies were also scheduled to appear. Acrobatic act Spelbound also had high hopes for the night. The Britain’s Got Talent winners had competed against thousands of other acts to earn their place on the stage, and said it was the greatest honour they’d ever had.
But the night proved to be a controversial one before it even began. As Sarah mingled backstage with the other acts, Prince Charles and Duchess of Cornwall, Camilla were making their way to the Palladium Hall. Halfway there, disaster struck. A mob had gathered in London, to protest at a recent hike in university fees, and the royal couple’s car soon found itself at the centre of a terrifying attack. While they were trapped inside, the angry gathering began throwing things at the car, and managed to smash a window before it could move on safely.
It was a frightening start to the evening, and no one would have blamed them if they’d gone right home and had a stiff brandy. But they showed great fortitude when they finally arrived, smiling, to take their seats in the royal box. It was up to the performers to entertain the poor couple and make the night memorable in a more positive way. They certainly succeeded.
While real royalty was in the audience, it was the duty of pop royalty to open and close the event. Kylie kicked off the night with her song Better than Today, and Sarah’s personal favourites, Take That, were on top form as they closed the night with their latest hit, The Flood, surrounded by close to a hundred semi-naked male dancers.
‘Heaven knows what the Queen would have made of it had she been in attendance,’ wrote The Stage, which claimed the night was one of the strongest in recent history.
‘Each year the artists in the line-up are carefully chosen for their ability to be entertaining, yet inoffensive,’ wrote The Mirror. So Sarah would have to pick her material for the night very carefully – and tone down her prolific swearing and dirty talk.
Finally it was time for Sarah’s royal debut. ‘It’s the comedian everyone’s chatting about,’ came the announcement. ‘It’s Sarah Millican!’ She wore a broad grin and a pretty black dress as she walked confidently onto the stage. ‘Well hello,’ she began, before quipping: ‘Ooh, somebody’s just wooed. That’s quite terrifying. My mum must be in…’
Sarah wasted no time in garnering some laughs from the audience, as she launched right into a gag about her father. She knew it would be a safe choice. After all, it was a joke about Philip that had got her first ever laugh. ‘I drove here today and I’ve only been driving for three years,’ she began, ‘And when I passed me test, me dad’s quite a practical man, and he said: “There’s three things you always have to have in the boot of your car – you need a blanket, you need a shovel and you need a flask…” And he’s right, because whenever I’ve killed a man I’m always parched.’
It immediately became clear that although Sarah was minding her ‘swearies’, she certainly had no plans to sugar coat her black comedy – and she had absolutely no need to, because the laughs came instantly.
Sarah continued… ‘I live on my own. I do like living on my own but I always wonder if I’m on my own and somebody breaks in – what do I do? What do I hit them with? You’ve got to think of these things… I talked to a couple of my friends and I asked the first one and she said: “I don’t really know.” And I said: “Well what would you normally have to hand?” She replied: “Empty bottles?”’
After another round of laughter, Sarah really got into the swing of things. ‘I told her: “I don’t think you’d really notice if somebody broke in.” – “I don’t care who you are”,’ she pretended to slur, “shut the door on your way out, I can feel a bloody draft!”’
‘But I asked my other friend: “What would you hit someone with?” She said: “I’ve got a rounders bat down the side of my bed, for protection.”’ Sarah paused while she put on a look of surprise, before saying, ‘But she’s been told by a policeman that that’s not allowed, because it’s classified as an offensive weapon. The only way she’s allowed a rounders bat down the side of her bed is if it’s accompanied by something it would normally accompany – so now she’s got a rounders bat, and a rounders ball as well. And I’m the same, because I’ve got a massive knife and a massive fork – so if someone breaks in with a big lump of steak, I’m champion!’
The hall reverberated with clapping and laughter, and though Sarah wouldn’t have seen it from far below on stage, Charles and Camilla were chuckling away too. Maybe Sarah’s gag about protecting yourself against violent intruders had seemed appropriate after all the couple had been through that night…
Sarah went on for another 10 minutes before she finished with a sweetly funny story she had been saving for a while. As the audience listened, entranced, she told them about the time she had been missing Gary in Australia, and he’d misunderstood her when she said he was too far away. ‘He moved the webcam, and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I meant geographically…’
After thanking the audience for their cheers of appreciation, Sarah bowed and waved. Then she left the stage, pleased that it had gone so well. She had made royalty laugh, and now she was off to mingle with the best of the British entertainment industry: a group to which, by royal seal of approval, she now officially belonged.
When the show was screened on BBC One soon after, Sarah got to see the royal reaction to her performance. And the viewing figures reflected the quality of the talent on the night, with an amazing 9.6 million viewers tuning in to watch the extravaganza. A whole new audience had been introduced to Sarah Millican.
CHAPTER 20
The Loose Woman
‘It’s all very well to be a feminist, but it’s nice to know you’ve got good knockers.’
In late December, Sarah Millican appeared on Loose Women for the second time, but it would by no means be her last. Because it was on this episode of the daytime chat show that she announced she would be joining the show’s famous panel in January 2011 – just a short month away.
‘I’m thrilled to be joining an esteemed panel of loose ladies,’ she told the audience. ‘From someone that was a prude as a teenager, it’s nice to finally become a loose woman! I get my own mug with my name on as well! I’m told it’s already been ordered – it’s just a mug but I’m really excited.’ Sarah went on to explain that when she’d texted a friend to say she was officially a ‘Loose Woman’, they thought she’d split up with her boyfriend, Gary.
Rightly pleased about her new job – which came with a rumoured £200,000 salary – Sarah immediately took to Twitter to share her good news, and was soon inundated with congratulations.
The day after filming the episode, she tweeted: ‘The
ladies were very welcoming yesterday. Feel like part of the team already.’ That team included fellow northerner Denise Welch, Carol McGiffin, Coleen Nolan and Sherrie Hewson, who were led by show anchors Kate Thornton and Andrea McLean.
At first glance, it’s easy to think that Sarah would be right at home on the controversial show, which would give her a forum to discuss the hottest topics of the day.
Loose Women had first aired in 1999 on ITV and was first presented by Kaye Adams and Nadia Sawalha. In the years that have followed, the panel has consisted of a rotating group of females from various professions in the entertainment and journalism industries, including actresses, singers, authors, presenters, journalists and reporters.
It is mainly presented by women over the age of 30, a fact which presenter Denise Welch says is down to the fact that older women are more willing to have personal conversations. ‘The great thing is that it’s the one show where you have to be older to be on it,’ she has said. ‘We’ve tried younger presenters and unfortunately they’ve either not had a life or aren’t ready to talk about it. With us, all our dirty linen has not only been aired in public, it’s been washed and put back in the drawers.’
And the presenters have done a substantial amount of airing on the show too. Coleen Nolan joined the cast after her split from husband Shane Ritchie, and has openly spoken about the problems in her marriage during her airtime. Denise Welch used the show to admit her split from husband of 24 years, Tim Healy. After pictures of her with another man had appeared in the national papers, Welch openly wept on air as she told viewers how their relationship had ended some time before, before being comforted by her fellow panellists.
Andrea McLean had recently announced her own break-up on the show, saying: ‘For those of you who may not know, my husband Steve and I have separated and split up… I wanted to bring it up today to thank everyone for their huge support.’ Her fellow presenters discussed the split with their usual candour. ‘You do have to recognise when it’s time to go,’ said Jane MacDonald. ‘Staying together for the children is not necessarily the right thing,’ admitted Andrea.
It was the kind of conversation that would resonate with a huge swathe of the television audience, and is a prime example of why the show has thrived for so many years.
Early on it was an instant hit with viewers, as it broached typically taboo subjects such as sex in a forthright and open manner. Open and honest about their feelings, the presenters are seen as role models for the modern woman – strong, independent and not afraid to speak their mind. As one producer explained to a trade magazine, the show is popular with housewives, pensioners, students and young mums. They discuss mainly female concerns – relationships, children, sex, sexuality, age, beauty, and the hosts’ own many and varied personal issues.
Despite this, the show is very ‘laddish’ in its content, with its presenters often boasting about their heavy drinking and nighttime exploits. Interviews with male guests are usually conducted with a healthy dose of sexual innuendo – something Sarah is an expert at.
In 2010, the women interviewed lothario Russell Brand. Denise Welch welcomed him by lifting up her top to reveal a corset emblazoned with his favourite football team’s logo. Then Carol McGiffin told him that after reading his autobiography – which graphically reveals the extent of his sexual conquests – she had fantasised so much about him that she actually believed they had ‘done it’. ‘Was he bendy?’ asked another panellist? ‘He was very bendy and dirty,’ she replied, with a coy smile.
In the wake of the Tiger Woods affair scandal, the Loose Women discussed the issue in their own imitable style. ‘How much does sex occupy your thoughts?’ Andrea asked the panellists. ‘I was a bit of a sex maniac, I was a bit of a terrible teenage slut. I am a very sexual person,’ offered Carol McGiffin. At first, it wasn’t difficult to imagine how Sarah would fit in with the style of the conversations. Just as Sarah conducts her shows like a friendly chat with your favourite aunty, the Loose Women entertain by sitting around with a cuppa, chatting about the topics of the day.
Its supporters immediately hailed it as a triumph for feminism, and it quickly racked up a string of impressive awards. In the past it has been nominated for Best Daytime Show at the Royal Television Society Awards, and Best Topical Magazine Programme and Best Talkshow respectively at the National Television Awards in 2011 and 2012. The TV Quick and TV Choice Awards have announced Loose Women the Best Daytime Show four times in a row – in 2007, 2008, 2009 and 2010, while the Television and Radio Industries Club also gave it an award for Best TV Daytime Programme in 2009.
But the show has seen its fair share of controversies. In 2008 doyenne of comedy Joan Rivers appeared on the show, and apparently completely missed the fact that the show was live and not pre-recorded. As a result when discussing the actor Russell Crowe, she said: ‘Get ready to bleep this: he’s a f*****g s**t…’
The audience laughed hysterically, but anchor Jackie Brambles rushed to apologise for the outburst, before cutting to a commercial break. Doing the break, it was decided that Rivers not rejoin the show for the remainder of the segment. Rivers found the whole thing very funny. ‘I said: “I apologise.” Everyone apologised. It was hilariously funny.’ It was the first time in her 40-year career that she had ever been asked to leave a show, and she was ‘thrilled’.
But despite its public and critical acclaim, not everyone is so impressed with its chatty format. Also in 2008, The Guardian branded the show as hateful and offensive to both men and women, and called it a case of feminism having gone too far. And in 2010, The Daily Mail’s Jan Moir declared outrage at the show’s National Television Award win, saying: ‘How was Loose Women voted best factual TV show when it is fronted by a gaggle of sexual incontinents?’
The show certainly divided public opinion, which is something that Sarah’s similarly open and frank style of feminism has never done. Unlike the Loose Women, she has never been criticised for her approach to female concerns – only applauded. And, while the presenters are often photographed out on the town, drinking, a throwback to the ladette culture of the nineties, Sarah is not one to booze.
By the time Sarah arrived on the panel, the show had been on air for a decade and ratings had started to fall. Many national newspapers began claiming that Sarah, along with fellow new presenter Janet Street-Porter, had been brought in as a result of the slump. If so, it was a clever move. While Sarah could chat away on any subject, and still offer her humorous opinions on sex and relationships, she was much less controversial than some of the show’s other hosts and appealed to a broader audience.
She was certainly popular on the show and pulled no punches with her comments. When on one show Kate Thornton asked the girls if they worried about morning breath after waking up next to a guy, Sarah was blunt. ‘Well, I’m not like a big slapper, so…’ ‘Unlike us two?’ cut in McGiffin, referring to herself and Denise Welch. Sarah commented, wryly: ‘Well I wasn’t going to say it, but if you volunteer the information…’
But when the rest of the women went on to crudely discuss the matter in more detail, Sarah just looked a bit bored. And when she did join in it was to gently mock the other women.
After Thornton described how she sometimes woke up early to apply her make-up before her bedfellow noticed, Sarah said: ‘Do you fan your hair out on the pillow as well?’ Sarah just seemed surprised – and a little bit disappointed – at the effort Kate described putting into creating an illusion of perfection for a man.
She also sometimes struggled to join in on the rowdy conversations. When psychologists in Hawaii announced that ‘dawdlers’ weren’t just annoying, they actually had an illness – Pedestrian Aggressiveness Syndrome – the Loose Women took the opportunity to discuss the subject. ‘I didn’t even think they had pavements in Hawaii, I thought they just surfed and wore grass skirts,’ said Denise, attempting some humour.
As she and the others discussed the issue, getting increasingly loud, Sarah could hardly get a w
ord in. When she finally began to speak, she got the audience laughing instantly and even got a round of applause. But it had been a struggle. One viewer was unimpressed. ‘You have Sarah Millican on the show and you are trying humour and not just letting her make all the jokes?’
All in all, it seemed that perhaps it wasn’t the best place for Sarah’s many talents. As she had illustrated in her stand-up comedy, she was a great believer in equality between the sexes, and didn’t believe in changing herself to please others. She didn’t believe that to be a strong woman meant she had to be loud and dominant.
She has an unexpected take on feminism; for example, she believes Page 3 is a celebration of women’s natural beauty. ‘It is celebrating women as opposed to saying: “Oh my God, she went out without any make-up – isn’t she disgusting,”’ she said in a 2012 interview. Sarah was more concerned about the scrutiny and criticism of women in magazines, which she had been disappointed by in recent years.
‘I stopped buying women’s mags as they made me feel really bad about how I should be and that if I was ‘this’ I would be happier, which is s***e. You feel judged and it’s also damaging for women. They read that and then they believe that’s how people should be, when it should be that people are how they are and if they are happy then that’s great. I find it damaging and horrible. I think I shouldn’t feel bad. I look in the mirror objectively and I think, “It’s all right, it’s not amazing, it’s not s***e, it’s in the middle, like most of us”.’ It was an intelligent and thought-provoking observation, as well as a classic example of her well-reasoned opinions.
Sarah Millican--The Queen of Comedy Page 18