Splash’s foot suddenly bumped against something. He tugged on the rope to stop everyone else as he stared at the object beside his feet.
“What have you found, Splash?” asked the Captain.
Splash plucked the thing from the underside of the ship and held it up. It was shaped like a tiny jellyfish, with metal tentacles and a winking lens. “I’ve got no idea,” he said, puzzled.
“I think I’ve seen that before,” said Rocky.
“Let’s worry about it when we get back inside,” said Fuzz. “We’re nearly at the door to the freezing-fog room, guys. We’re going to give those Dogmutts a bashing they’ll never forget!”
The door opened smoothly, then clicked shut behind the Space Penguins. They gave themselves a couple of minutes in the airlock, getting used to the feeling of gravity again, before opening the door into the freezing-fog room. They were safely back on board.
“That was great,” said Rocky, as they wriggled out of their spacesuits and untied themselves. “We should do that more often.”
Captain Krill put his flipper on the hatch handle. “Ready?” he asked the others. “GO!”
They burst through the hatch into the cabin, flippers raised. Startled, the invaders jumped out of their seats. There was a moment of frozen silence as the Dogmutt penguins and the real penguins gazed at each other.
“That is freaky,” said Splash, staring at the Dogmutt Splash.
“I am seriously handsome,” said Rocky, staring at the Dogmutt Rocky and preening his eyebrows.
“This ship needs refuelling,” said the Dogmutt Captain Krill.
“FIGHT!” shouted Fuzz.
With a whirl of feet and flippers, the Space Penguins charged at the impostors.
“I’ve got one!” yelled Rocky.
“Get off me, you winkle-head!” shouted Splash. “I’m the REAL Splash!”
“This ship needs refuelling,” said the Dogmutt Fuzz.
“You mutant mirror! You dirty double!” The real Fuzz leaped on to the Dogmutt Fuzz. “I’d never say anything as boring as that!”
WHAM! BAM! SLAM! As the Space Penguins rolled and tumbled, wriggled and wrestled with the Dogmutt invaders, it became harder to tell who was who. Outside the window, Kroesus’s robot security meteors flared and danced in the sky.
“This is Kroesus calling,” crackled the communication button. “State your business. I repeat, state your business.”
“This ship needs refuelling,” said the Dogmutt Rocky smoothly, fighting off Captain Krill with one flipper.
“Security check one,” said the communication button. “Begin weapon scan.”
“Wait!” yelled Rocky. “We’ve been boarded by pirates! Get off me, Splash! Splash? That is you, right?”
“I’m over here!” Splash bawled.
It was getting more and more difficult to see what they were doing. Two Fuzzes, two Rockys, two Splashes, two Captains – eight penguins, flippers flying, feet waddling, bellies bumping. It was like fighting full-length mirrors.
“This is impossible!” shouted Splash, battling as hard as he could.
“This impostor Captain is well strong!” Rocky shouted, fighting Captain Krill.
“I’m not an impostor,” yelled the Captain. He pulled hard on Rocky’s eyebrows. “I’m the real deal!”
Rocky fought harder. “How do I know you’re telling the truth?”
The Space Penguins – or maybe the Dogmutts – were forced backwards.
“Good effort, Splash!” one Splash shouted at the other Splash.
“That’s YOU, you feather-brained flounder!” Fuzz pummelled at everything within reach of his tiny flippers. “How can you congratulate yourself?”
“You do it all the time,” Rocky panted.
“Not—” WHAM! “when—” POW! “I’m—” CHONK! “fighting—” KLANG! “shape-shifters!”
The Dogmutts – or maybe the Space Penguins – were losing the battle. With one final shove they tumbled down into the wing-pong room. The hatch closed with a CLICK and there was the grating sound of a NASA-issue key turning in the lock.
The Space Penguins sat glumly in the wing-pong room.
“That went well,” said Rocky.
“No, it didn’t,” Fuzz said. “With all that penguin confusion in the cabin, we’re prisoners again. I’m so mad, I could wrestle a rabid rhinoceros.”
Rocky rolled his eyes. “I was joking.”
“It’s no joking matter!” said Fuzz. “And we haven’t even got any wing-pong balls to play with.”
Captain Krill stood with one yellow ear-patch pressed to the locked wing-pong room hatch. “The good news is, the Kroesans haven’t shut down their meteor defence system yet,” he reported, as he listened to the Dogmutts in the cabin above. “Rocky alerted Kroesus when he shouted out that we had space pirates on board. They haven’t let us in.”
“That’s good news?” said Rocky. “We’re still moving! In half an hour, we’ll hit the Kroesan atmosphere and burst into fish-flavoured flames!”
“There’s bad news, too,” said the Captain. “The Dogmutts are planning to fly through the meteors and land on Kroesus anyway.”
“Impossible!” cried Rocky. “Even I couldn’t do it!”
“Then let us all die as bravely as barnacles,” said Fuzz in a noble voice.
“I’d rather live as bravely as a penguin,” said Splash. “But first I want to figure out how this ended up on our ship.” He waved the jellyfish-like thing he’d plucked off the Tunafish during their spacewalk. “It’s a camera. I’ve been checking its memory banks. It’s been transmitting information about us ever since we left Beaky Wader’s Death Starfish space station three months ago.”
“I knew I’d seen it before,” Rocky gasped. “I found it on my belt in the Death Starfish space port and flicked it off!”
“Ever since Beaky asked us to live with him on his space station and we turned him down, he’s been after us,” said Captain Krill. “He must have attached the camera to the Tunafish. It explains how he knew where we were that time he attacked us and we crash-landed. And it explains how he found us at the Superchase Space Race. He’s been watching us all along!”
“It hasn’t helped him much,” said Fuzz. “We still wrecked his space station and ruined his chances of winning the Superchase Space Race, not to mention spoiling his special armour and blowing him up a couple of times. I’m guessing Beaky Wader really hates us.”
“Aren’t we supposed to call him ‘Dark’ Wader now?” asked Splash. “I know he used to be our space mate aboard the Tunafish, but he’s the most evil villain in the universe these days.”
“I’d sooner give him a collar and lead and call him Bark Wader,” said Fuzz.
“Or a lovely singing voice,” said Rocky. “Then he’d be Lark Wader.”
“Or we could cover him in grass,” said Splash, “and make him Park Wader.”
“Pull yourselves together, crew,” said Captain Krill, as Rocky, Fuzz and Splash all roared with laughter. “In thirty minutes we’ll all be deep-fried penguin puffs. We need a plan.”
Splash stopped laughing and straightened his goggles. He waved the jelly-cam in the air. “I have it, Captain,” he said. “Let’s send Beaky a message he can’t resist.”
“What sort of message?” asked Captain Krill.
“We’ll tell him that the Space Penguins are vulnerable to attack,” said Splash. “When he turns up with all guns blazing to blow us out of the sky, the Dogmutts will have to turn away from the flaming meteors in order to fight him off.”
“There’s a flaw in that plan somewhere,” said the Captain. “But I can’t put my flipper on it.”
“It’ll be easy-peasy – like taking doughnuts from a dolphin,” said Fuzz happily. “If dolphins liked doughnuts.”
“Thirty minutes until impact,” said ICEcube.
“Flaw or no flaw, it’s the only plan we have,” Captain Krill said, making a decision. “Send the message, Splash.”
&nb
sp; Several million light years away, a shiny silver Squid-G spacecraft was cruising along through the vastness of space. It looked like a tiny silver bug floating on an enormous black ocean. A large armour-plated penguin hungrily scanned the skies through the windscreen.
“Where are they, Crabba?” hissed Dark Wader. “Find those Space Penguins for me. I will thread them on to a stick and barbecue them. I will use their beaks as cutlery handles. I will pull out their feathers one by one and make them dance the tango on a bed of hot coals! Revenge will be MINE!”
“You’ve been saying that for weeks, boss,” said the small scaly alien sitting on Dark Wader’s shoulder. “Let’s admit that we’ve lost them and all go home.”
“NEVER!” roared Dark Wader. “They blew me up, Crabba!”
“You blew yourself up,” Crabba pointed out. “It was your mine on the Superchase Space Race finishing line.”
“If you don’t shut up,” said Dark Wader, “I’ll barbecue you instead.”
Another spacecraft flew level with Dark Wader’s Squid-G. It was bright red and twinkled with jewels. At the helm was an angry-looking pig-shaped alien with heavy jewels in his butterfly-like ears.
Dark Wader pressed a button on the control panel. “What about you, Skyporker?” he growled down the intercom at the red spaceship. “Have you seen those penguins yet? I’m going to blow them up like fish-flavoured bubblegum.”
“IF I SEE THOSE BLACK AND WHITE BANDITS I’LL BLOW THEM UP MYSELF!” screamed Anadin Skyporker, revving his red spacecraft a little faster. Anadin Skyporker, Emperor of the planet Sossij, hated the Space Penguins almost as much as Dark Wader did. “NO ONE STOPS ME FROM WINNING MY SUPERCHASE SPACE RACE AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!”
One of the control-panel screens started blinking.
“Message coming through from our jelly-cam on-board the Tunafish,” said Crabba, sitting up straight. “We must finally be in range.”
“At last!” Dark Wader gasped. “What does it say?”
SPACE PENGUINS HEADING TOWARDS PLANET KROESUS IN SECTION L OF THE UNIVERSE. CREW VULNERABLE TO ATTACK. REVENGE NOW OR NEVER.
Dark Wader thumped the control panel with delight. A couple of buttons fell off with a clunk. “We’ve got them, Crabba! Ask your jelly-cam why they’re so vulnerable.”
Crabba scuttled to the control panel and typed in the question.
WHY VULNERABLE?
There was a pause. An answer winked up: BURD FLOO.
Dark Wader laughed with glee. “That’s not something I have to worry about. Not now I’m a pengbot. We have them like eggs in a frying pan!”
Crabba frowned. “I don’t think that’s how you spell ‘bird flu’, boss.”
“So what? Spelling never changed anything. Send for our entire Squid-G fighting force and set the coordinates for Section L immediately!”
“I’m summoning squadrons of X-jets from Sossij, too!” Anadin Skyporker screeched down the intercom. “We’ll fillet them like flounders. We’ll smoke them like kippers. Wait for me!”
“I hope I spelled ‘bird flu’ right,” Splash said.
“Let us know the minute you see any Squid-Gs, ICEcube,” said Captain Krill.
A huge meteor rocketed past the wing-pong-room window. With a great BANG it burst into flames.
“This is the end,” groaned Rocky.
“Disturbance in the space-time continuum, Captain,” said ICEcube, as two more mechanical meteors exploded nearby. BANG! BANG! “A fleet of Squid-G fighters and X-jets just leaped ten million light years to join us.”
“The message worked!” cheered Splash. “Dark Wader’s on his way! The Dogmutts will have to turn back to fight him off. I’m a genius!”
“Did you say Squid-Gs and X-jets, ICEcube?” said Captain Krill. “X-jets, as in the Emperor of Sossij’s elite space-fighters?”
“Affirmative, Captain.”
“How many?”
“Sixty-two,” said ICEcube. “Plus thirty-eight Squid-Gs.”
“I’ve found the flaw in our plan,” said Captain Krill. “It’s not just the Dogmutts aboard the Tunafish. It’s us, too! And now Skyporker’s helping Dark Wader, we have a hundred spaceships all wanting to blow us up.”
The Space Penguins stared at each other. It was a problem.
PYOW! PYOW!
PYOW! PYOW! PYOW!
“Beaky’s space guns!” Rocky gasped.
“We need to take matters into our own flippers,” said Captain Krill, peering out through the wing-pong-room window. “We can’t wait for Wader and Skyporker to finish us off.”
“Then let’s go,” said Splash.
“We’re locked in,” Captain Krill reminded his ship’s engineer.
“Duh,” said Fuzz.
The Ship’s Engineer waddled to a small cupboard and took out a silver key on a string marked WING-PONG ROOM SPARE KEY.
“Is that what I think it is?” said Rocky in amazement, as Splash fitted it into the lock.
“I’ve kept the NASA-issue spare key in here ever since the Captain beat Beaky at wing-pong and Beaky locked him in for revenge,” Splash explained, turning the key.
“You mean, we could have got out of here ages ago?” demanded Fuzz. “Why didn’t you say something?”
“It wasn’t necessary,” Splash said. “Now, it is.”
The hatch opened with a gentle click.
The Space Penguins peered out.
“YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO ENTER THE KROESAN ATMOSPHERE,” boomed the intercom. “TURN BACK OR PREPARE TO DIE.”
“What a lovely welcome,” said Fuzz. “Penguin power!”
He leaped at the Dogmutt Fuzz, flippers at the ready. CLONK!
“I almost feel bad about that,” he added as the Dogmutt penguin keeled over and hit the floor beak first. “He was a lot smaller than me.”
“He’s exactly the same as you, Fuzz,” said Rocky, karate-chopping his Dogmutt double’s flippers away from the control panel. “That’s the point.”
CHONK! CLUNK! THUNK!
“No way am I that small!” Fuzz insisted, as he leaped through the air feet first, sending the Dogmutt Captain flying.
“Keep talking, crew!” shouted Captain Krill. He was fighting hard with the Dogmutt Splash. “These guys only have about three things to say! That’s how we’ll know who’s fighting who!”
“What’s the capital of Norway?” asked Splash.
“This ship needs refuelling,” said the Dogmutt Captain.
“Wrong answer!” shouted Splash, and stomped on the Dogmutt Captain’s webbed feet.
“I didn’t know that one, Splash,” said Captain Krill, his feet and flippers a blur. “Try something easier next time. Take THAT, you dog-faced dogfish!”
“Space-spinach is the worst stuff ever!” shouted Fuzz, as he flew at the Dogmutt Splash, knocking him out with a single ninja chop.
“Check,” said the Dogmutt Splash, just before he slid to the floor.
“Splash?” Fuzz prodded the unconscious penguin at his feet. “That’s not you, is it?”
“I’m over here!” The real Splash was now engaged in flipper-to-flipper combat with the Dogmutt Rocky.
“Phew,” said Fuzz. “That ‘check’ thing could have gone either way.”
PYOW! PYOW! BANG-SPLAT!
Dogmutt Fuzz got back on his feet.
“What is that stink?” gasped Captain Krill, as he danced out of his way.
“A swill-gun cannonball from a Sossijan X-jet,” Rocky panted back.
They were well and truly in the Kroesan meteor field now. Huge flaming rocks were hurtling past the windscreen. X-jet swill guns shook the air. The smell of burning pig-swill was terrible.
“Open the waste-disposal chute, Captain!” Fuzz shouted, shoving the Dogmutt Fuzz hard in the belly. “Bye-bye, barnacle-brains!”
The Dogmutt’s penguin shape dissolved, leaving nothing but a smoky dog-shaped figure that floated down the waste-disposal chute.
“Right on target!” Splash shouted. He heav
ed the Dogmutt Splash up and pushed him between his feathered shoulders. “You next, my goggled friend!”
CLONK! A second smoky-looking Dogmutt ricocheted off the chute walls and vanished. BANG!
“It’s been a pleasure knowing me,” said Captain Krill, as he pushed the Dogmutt Captain briskly into the waste chute.
Dogmutt Rocky swiftly followed. The Space Penguins just glimpsed his penguin feet turning back into smoky paws as the Captain shut the door. CLANG. Then Rocky turned a wheel on the wall, opening the airlock and sending the Dogmutts into the great black nothing beyond.
“The Tunafish suddenly feels rather spacious,” said Rocky, gazing at the cabin and the winking flight instruments.
PYOW! PYOW! BANG-SPLAT! PYOW!
“Can we go now, Rocky?” said Captain Krill, as flaming meteors whizzed past the windows and the Tunafish juddered and shook in the heart of the battle.
“I’ll do my best, Captain!” Rocky leaped into his pilot’s chair. “Seatbelts on, everyone. Let’s get the hecky-peck out of here, to a bit of empty space where we can hit warp speed.”
“Fly like you’ve never flown before, Rocky!” screamed Fuzz, hopping up and down in his seat.
“I’d prefer it if Rocky flew like he HAD flown before,” said Splash. “Like, lots of times and really brilliantly.”
The Space Penguins gripped their seats as the Tunafish sprang upwards like a trout leaping for a mayfly. A hundred Squid-G space guns and X-jet swill guns swivelled to follow the little spaceship.
BANG-SPLAT! PYOW!
Rocky made an impossible move, weaving through a wall of gunfire like a shadow, then shot a space cannonball into a swill-gun cannonball with an explosive squelch.
“Wahoo!” roared Fuzz.
Rocky nipped and whizzed and spun through the smoke. Nothing touched him. Nothing came close.
Meteor Madness Page 3