“I’m fine,” I said, which was a lie. Physically I was fine. I wasn’t sore anymore and according to the doctor, my body would heal and I’d more than likely conceive again and have a healthy pregnancy. That reassurance did little to alleviate the ache in my soul for the child I’d lost. “What has you so troubled at work?” I asked, genuinely curious as to what had him so spun up.
“I swear I’m the only competent architect in the bunch,” he said with a quiet laugh.
“What happened?”
“The Cedars-Sinai project,” he told me.
“I thought that was under control.”
“Me too.”
“It’s not?”
“No and Dr. Reynolds is threatening to pull our contract unless I come back until the groundbreaking begins. She said when I left it turned to shit and after doing some investigating, I’d have to say she’s right. I’m not sure what the hell’s gotten into Taylor since he went to L.A. Perhaps it’s too much sun or too many fake tits, but something’s not right with him.”
“What’re you going to do?”
“I can’t go back to L.A. right now. We have the wedding in two weeks. I’ll have to think about making a trip out there when it’s over,” he said and I must’ve remained quiet for too long because he sat up, looking at me curiously. “What is it, Natalie?”
I took a deep breath, swallowing hard before I could bring myself to address the wedding, but I finally mustered my courage.
“I’ve been thinking about the wedding,” I began nervously and I watched as he sat a little straighter, his eyebrows creased in curiosity.
“What about it?”
“We only rushed the wedding because of the baby…but now…now that’s not an issue anymore.” My voice was quiet and it cracked as the words came out. I felt his grip on my hand loosen as he waited for me to continue. “With everything that’s happened…I don’t think…I’m just not in the right frame of mind to get married so quickly. My mind is everywhere and it still hurts, Drew. Every day it hurts and I do everything I can not to think about losing the baby, but it’s always on my mind, even when I force myself not to think about it. It’s always there,” I choked out as I wiped a tear from my cheek. “And I don’t want to feel like this when we say our vows. I want it to be the happiest day of our lives, but right now…there’s too much sadness.”
My voice trailed off and he remained quiet, positioning himself so he was facing me. He rested his hand on my thigh and began rubbing it gently with his thumb. I waited anxiously for his reaction. He seemed calm…understanding almost.
“You’re right,” he finally said, looking away for a moment before bringing his eyes back to mine.
“You’re not upset?”
“No,” he said, squeezing my thigh. “I feel the same way, but I didn’t want to upset you. I only want you to be happy and if postponing the wedding will help, then I say we do it. We’ll do it when we’re ready. When things have calmed down at work. When you’ve decided what you’re doing,” he said and then his voice dropped. “When it doesn’t hurt so much.”
“Thank you for understanding,” I whispered and he reached up, using the pad of his thumb to wipe my tears.
“When we get married, there won’t be an ounce of despair and right now, we have to find a way to cope with this and move past it. But, I can assure you, Natalie, that when I do marry you, it will be the most perfect day. I promise you that.” I saw the familiar smile spread on his face, warm and safe, and I knew his words were true. I leaned towards him, kissing him softly before pulling back. “Now, despite my foul mood earlier, I did get some news I was hoping would cheer you up,” he said, piquing my curiosity immediately. “The shit hit the fan just as I was preparing to leave for the day and I allowed my frustrations to wallow rather than coming home to share the news.”
“What news?” I asked impatiently.
“The performing arts center you helped me design is complete. The grand opening is in a week. I think we should go.”
“Of course we should go!” I said with the first bits of excitement I’d shown in many days.
“I knew that would cheer you up.”
“It’ll be awesome seeing the building come to life.”
“It gives me chills every time, but this one will be especially meaningful,” he said, kissing the back of my hand. “Because without you, it wouldn’t have come to fruition.” His eyes looked into mine and the corners of his mouth curled up before he began speaking again. “I can still remember that night. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing. Tashawa was being relentless and then you stepped in, telling me exactly what I needed to hear. We were still getting to know each other then, but even so, it took all my power not to kiss you that night.” His thumb was running over my bottom lip slowly and I could see the longing in his eyes as his body inched closer to mine. “I’ve missed you, Natalie,” he said softly, resting his forehead against mine as his hand inched up my side. “I want to touch you again.”
His lips pressed cautiously against mine. Chastely at first, the only type of kiss we’d shared since the miscarriage. I could sense his trepidation as his lips began moving more forcefully over my mouth, his tongue eventually sliding inside. I’d missed him too. I’d missed the feeling of him, the smell of him, the taste of him and it all came flooding back to me. As I returned his fervor, I forgot for a few moments about the pain of the last few weeks. It was only us. Drew and me. His hand crawled under my shirt and began making its way higher and as he cupped my breast, I was suddenly pulled back to the present.
“I can’t,” I whispered and he stopped, his hand continuing to rest on me before he pulled back.
“It’s been nearly three weeks,” he sighed. “It’s safe. You’ve healed.”
His hand started moving again as his lips went to my neck, kissing it slowly. I could feel how much he wanted me. I wanted him too. As he touched me, I could feel myself responding, longing for his touch that had been absent too long, but as his hand slid into the waistband of my pants, I couldn’t and I reached up, grabbing his hand and stopping him. He froze for a moment and then stared at me, an alarmed look on his face.
“What is it, Natalie?”
“I can’t,” I whispered.
“Why can’t I touch you?” Our eyes met and I was taken aback by the hurt on his face. “I ache for you, Natalie.”
I squeezed his hand, not knowing how I could explain to Drew the feelings inside of me. The emptiness of the baby was still there and as much as I ached for him too, I wasn’t ready. I was afraid and I couldn’t explain why because I didn’t understand it myself.
“I’m not ready,” I finally said, my voice barely above a whisper. “I need more time. Please understand. I’m sorry,” I said, tears filling my eyes as I stood up to walk away, unable to face him. He grabbed my hand though and I stopped, turning to look at him through my wet eyes.
“I love you, Natalie. Don’t push me away,” he pleaded, but I couldn’t reply. I pulled my hand from his and wiped away my tears as I retreated to our bedroom.
Thirty-Three
Drew didn’t press me anymore that night. He merely joined me in bed, not saying a word, but kissing my shoulder and then going to sleep himself. He didn’t try and touch me again and I knew he wouldn’t…not until I told him it was okay.
Life had to go on though and that meant telling the guests we’d invited to the wedding that we were postponing it. It was easy telling them because all we had to say was Drew’s work schedule wouldn’t allow such a quick wedding. Telling my mother was another story though.
“You’re postponing the wedding? Seriously, Natalie?” Her voice was snippy, which made telling her about the miscarriage even harder. “It was such short notice. People had to rearrange their schedules and now you’re changing it?”
“I lost the baby,” I interrupted quietly, followed by complete silence that lasted to the point it started to get uncomfortable.
“I’m so sorry, honey
,” she finally said, her gentle tone completely different from her initial reaction. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. I’ll be fine,” I said quickly.
“But, if you’re not, you’ll let me know, won’t you?”
“Yes, Mom, but I’ll be all right. It’s been a few weeks already and I’m doing okay,” I said and the silence settled in again. I could tell she was worried and I knew there was nothing I could say to change that.
“Do I need to come out and stay for a bit?”
“No. Really. I’m just a little sad. It’s nothing that won’t pass. It’s probably for the best anyway. Our lives are so crazy right now,” I said in an attempt to convince myself. “But, thank you for the offer.”
“If you change your mind, you let me know.”
“I will.”
“Have you and Drew discussed a new wedding date?”
“Not yet. We’ve been dealing with this. There’s no rush anymore.”
“I know, honey,” she said gently and our conversation ended a few minutes later. She finished it off with small talk about work and my brother and a promise that I’d let her know if I needed anything.
I think that was the turning point. Everyone knew the wedding was off, there was no more baby and I could pick up my life where it’d left off before the pregnancy had changed it all. I could go on as normal, even though I knew my life would never be the same.
Drew had been careful around me and I didn’t blame him. He didn’t want to upset me and so I took his gentle touches and kisses on the forehead or the cheek as his way of telling me he was thinking about me without having to say it.
“My family’s decided to come up for the grand opening of our building,” he said a few nights later as we sat across from each other at dinner. I’d made stir-fry and we’d eaten it quietly until he spoke. I liked how he called it our building.
“That’s nice. Just your mom and dad?”
“Kayla too and Christina is going to try and come,” he said with apprehension.
“It’ll be nice to see Kayla again,” I said, deliberately leaving out his other sister.
“I was thinking we could all go out to a nice dinner before the show.”
“There’s a show too?”
“The Moscow Ballet will be the first act to perform in the new building.”
“I’ve never been to a ballet. Should be interesting.”
“Dinner’s okay then? Beforehand?” he asked and I didn’t like how formal we were being with each other. I hated the distance that had settled between us lately. I knew it was mostly my doing. He was just following my lead.
“Of course it is,” I said, focusing on my dinner.
“Natalie,” he said softly, his voice drawing my eyes to his. “I’m really looking forward to Saturday…to going out together.”
There was a kind smile on his face, the kind that made me feel how much he loved me.
“Me too,” I answered and then he reached across the table, taking my hand in his.
“How are you?” he asked gently. “You don’t talk to me anymore. I’m worried.”
I hated what I was doing to him. Pushing him away was not my intention. He’d been nothing but supportive. He never pressured me or made me feel that my feelings weren’t justified, but my emotions weren’t something I could put a finger on. It was starting to take its toll though. I could see that by the look of worry on his face.
“I don’t mean to shut you out. Thank you for being so understanding. You’re too good to me. I don’t understand why you do it.”
“Because I love you,” he said and although his words were simple, they meant so much.
Thirty-Four
“You must be getting excited about the wedding,” Kara said as we ate our lunch in the break room.
“We’ve actually decided to postpone it,” I said and I watched as they both stared at me with wide eyes.
“Is everything okay? You didn’t break up, did you?” Ava asked.
“No. Nothing like that,” I said quickly. “He’s just got a lot going on at work we hadn’t anticipated on and it’s really too much right now,” I said, not telling the truth behind the real reason.
“Has any new date been set yet?” Kara inquired.
“Not yet. Things are kinda crazy in the California office, so we’ll wait until things settle down I guess.”
“It’ll give you time to plan some amazing destination wedding. Hawaii. Fiji. Ireland perhaps.” Ava grinned and I nodded, knowing she was probably right. Drew would give me any wedding I wanted no matter where it was.
“Good point,” I said, hoping the conversation would end.
“Are you okay with all of it? Postponing the wedding? You haven’t seemed like yourself since you got back from your surgery.”
“I’m fine. I’ve just got a lot on my mind with grad school and with the opening of the new arts center Drew designed. I’ve got to decide on something to wear.”
“Are you talking about that new performing arts center uptown?”
“Yes. That’s the one.”
“The producers mentioned doing a piece on that. I didn’t know Drew was the architect behind it,” Kara said and I could hear the eagerness in her voice. “Do you think you could hook me up with an interview the night of the opening?”
“Are you serious? You want to interview Drew?”
“Of course,” she said eagerly. Ever since she’d anchored the news that first time, she’d filled in periodically and was loving it. I could tell she wanted to do whatever she could to show the station her value. “Please don’t be offended when I say this, Natalie, but the camera will love him, as will the audience at home. Plus, the producers will love it. Do you think you can work it out?”
“Yeah, I can do that,” I said, deciding this would be a good way to repay her for all the help she’d given me.
~~~
I hadn’t felt like going shopping for Saturday night, so I looked through my closet, deciding on a form fitting white dress that hugged my curves and fell to my ankles. The slit up my side showed enough leg to protect my modesty while also being alluring. It was sleeveless, but had a high neckline, which I didn’t think would meet with Drew’s approval. He liked a little cleavage and this dress gave him none. It was classy though and would be perfect for an event such as this. I finished it off by pinning my sides back with pretty barrettes and a pair of high red pumps before staring at myself in the mirror. I had to admit it felt nice to get dressed up. I was looking forward to having a good time and putting the events of the last few weeks to the back of mind and trying to move past it.
I heard our bedroom door push open and when I turned my head, I saw Drew standing in the door looking beyond handsome in a tailored black tuxedo. I watched as his eyes traveled up my body before he stepped all the way in.
“You’re stunning,” he said, coming over to me and kissing me sweetly on the cheek.
“It’s not a new dress. I didn’t feel much like shopping though.”
“It’s perfect,” he said, kissing me again and then he looked in the mirror and straightened his tie. “You think I look okay for TV?”
“You could be wearing a burlap sack and you’d be ready for TV.”
“Your opinion of me is entirely too high,” he said, turning away from the mirror. “I still can’t believe I agreed to this.”
“You’re not backing out, are you?”
“Of course not. I know it’s important to your friend, which in turn means it’s important to you. I would never do something to disappoint you.” He took my chin gently and kissed me.
“Thank you. I know Kara will be grateful,” I said and then he took my hand.
“Can we sit for a moment?”
I looked at him curiously, noticing the drop in his voice, but followed him to the edge of the bed where we sat down beside each other.
“Is everything okay?”
“It’s fine, but I can tell you’re not okay and I�
�ve been thinking of how I can help you,” he began gently. “I know you’re hurting. I’m still hurting too, but I can see the void inside of you. I see it in everything you do and I know this isn’t much,” he said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small box I knew contained jewelry. He held it out to me and then opened it, revealing a silver bracelet with one simple charm containing a purple stone. “Our baby should’ve been born in February and this is the birthstone for February, amethyst. I thought,” he said and then paused as his voice grew softer. “I thought you could wear this and remember. I got myself a pair of cufflinks with the same stone.” He held a sleeve up to me, revealing stones that matched my bracelet.
“Oh my gosh, Drew,” I whispered as my fingers brushed over the bracelet, taking it out and holding it up. I felt my eyes growing warm and when I looked up at him and blinked, tears fell silently down my cheeks. “Thank you,” I said as I tried putting it on. He took it from me though and clasped it on my wrist.
“You like it then?” he asked as we both looked down at the bracelet.
“I absolutely love it. You’re too good to me.”
I leaned in, wrapping my arms around him. I felt him embrace me as well, holding me tightly.
“I love you, Natalie. I only want you to be happy.”
“I love you too,” I said, pulling back and wiping my eyes. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a handkerchief, gently blotting my cheeks.
“You look so beautiful tonight,” he said, tracing my jaw line with his fingertips. “I’ve been looking forward to this all week.”
“Me too,” I said, squeezing his hand and then standing up. “I have a feeling it’s going to be a good night.”
I felt a sense of peace I hadn’t felt in weeks. This had been one of the hardest times of my life and I’d pulled away from Drew because I hadn’t known what else to do. The hurt was too deep, but as he looked up at me now, I knew all he wanted was to make sure I was okay. The bracelet would be a way to always remember our child, but what I would think about most when I looked at it was of the man who’d given it to me and the fact we’d created a life together and mostly the fact of how much he loved me.
The Heart of Tomorrow (Book Two) (The Tomorrow Series 2) Page 23