“No. I work at Channel 5. I basically proofread stories for broadcasts.”
“Is this going to be your new career?”
“Maybe. I actually applied to graduate school.”
“Grad school? You’re moving up in the world, Nat,” he said with a smile. “What are you going to study? English again?”
“No,” I laughed. “Definitely not English. That degree hasn’t been very fruitful. I really like what I do at the station. I’m thinking of majoring in journalism.”
“I think that’s great. I could totally see you pursing that,” he told me and it felt good to know he approved.
“I might be completely crazy, but I think it’s what I want to do.”
“Sometimes being crazy pays off. I think it will for you,” he grinned and I smiled back at him. “Where are you going to school?”
“I don’t think I am.”
“Why not? You seem pretty excited about this.”
“Because I applied to UCLA, NYU and Iowa and the only one I got into was Iowa.”
“And you don’t want to go home?”
“I don’t know what I want,” I sighed.
“Why’d you apply there if you had no intention of going there?”
“I really don’t know why I applied to Iowa.”
“Does Drew know?”
“He doesn’t know I applied to Iowa and I haven’t told him yet.”
“You don’t think he’ll support you?”
“I know he’ll support me, but my life is in New York.”
“Why? Because of him?”
“No. Because my life is here.”
“Your life is only here because of me and now because of him. What about your life?” he asked bluntly and I froze, staring into his familiar eyes. “What is it you want for your life?” he asked and again I was quiet. “I never asked you that when I asked you to come to New York with me. Come to think of it,” he said, pausing and leaning in towards me. “You never really talked about your dreams, Nat, and that’s what should come first. Not me. Not him. You.”
I didn’t respond right away as I thought about his words. Hearing it from someone else hit me in the gut in a way it hadn’t before. It solidified that I’d put myself second and that was not something I was proud of.
“It makes perfect sense, Ethan, but it’s hard to even consider the option when I’ve built this life here. I only applied as a curiosity and when I got pregnant, I thought I’d have to put it on hold…” I said until he interrupted.
“Things change though. Your situation has changed and please don’t think I’m being callous when I say this, but you’re not having a baby anymore. So, what’s holding you back now?”
“Nothing,” I said softly and he leaned back in his seat. His words were milling around in my mind and I didn’t like what they were suggesting to me.
“Nothing but fear,” he said. His words sounded harsh, but I knew they weren’t intended to be.
“I’m not afraid.”
“You are. You’re afraid to let go and take a chance on yourself,” he said and it grew quiet as I soaked in his words, wishing he hadn’t said them.
“I…I should probably get back to the club,” I stammered, not knowing how to respond.
“I’m sorry if I upset you, Nat.”
“I’m not upset,” I said and then met his eyes again. “Sometimes it’s hard hearing things you don’t want to.”
It grew quiet again and then he stood up and began clearing the table. He didn’t know how to respond. He’d already said more than he probably should have and so after the table was ready, we walked silently to the club. I could hear the music blaring even before we got there.
“Thank you for our chat,” I told him as we scanned the crowd for our friends.
“My number’s the same if you need anything else,” he said, turning towards me. “I sincerely mean that, Nat. I still think of you as the best friend I’ve ever had.”
I smiled up at him and before I could stop myself, I had my arms around him. He seemed to hesitate for a moment, but then he was hugging me back. His embrace was warm and familiar and I didn’t realize how much I’d missed him, not as my boyfriend, but as a friend, and seeing him again couldn’t have come at a better time. In his arms, I was reminded of life before Drew, when things were simple. Life may not have always made sense, but at least we’d been equals.
I realized I was holding onto him longer than was appropriate and I pulled back, smiling nervously at him.
“Keep me posted if you move,” I said and he nodded.
“I will and let me know what you decide.”
“Okay,” I said and then he reached over, touching my arm and smiling once more before getting lost in the crowd as I went to find Court.
“Where’s Peter?” I asked when I found him, drink in hand as he listened to the band.
“Bathroom,” he said and then looked over at me curiously. “You and Ethan again? Do I need to be worried? Or better yet, should Drew be worried?”
“No,” I said. “You know that.” I didn’t like the way he was looking at me though. “We were just talking.”
“And what do you and Ethan have to talk about?”
“Life,” I answered, but couldn’t expound because my phone started ringing. I glanced down at the screen, seeing Kayla’s name flashing on the screen.
“Natalie, hi. It’s Kayla Saben.” She sounded anxious when I answered the phone.
“Is everything all right?” I asked quickly.
“I’ve been trying to reach Drew, but he’s not picking up.”
“What’s wrong?”
“It’s Christina.”
“Is she okay?”
“No. No, she’s not.” Her voice was wavering and my heart started to pound.
“What happened?”
“We…we don’t really know. Overdose or something,” she said, her voice cracking.
“Oh my gosh,” I gasped. “Kayla…is she going to be okay?”
“I…I don’t know. We don’t know what’s going on, but I can’t get a hold of my brother. Have you spoken to him?”
“Not for a few hours. I’ll call him right now. What should I tell him?”
“Just have him call me,” she whispered and I could tell she was trying not to cry.
“I’ll try and reach him.”
“Thank you,” she said and then the line was dead.
I stared at the phone for a few moments, shocked about the news I’d just received. I didn’t have warm feelings for Christina, but I’d never wish this on her.
“What’s wrong?” Court asked.
“Drew’s sister is in the hospital. She overdosed or something. Kayla can’t reach Drew,” I said as I dialed his number, but it went to voicemail. I left a quick message asking him to call me and then I sent him a text and email asking him the same.
“Is she okay?” Court asked while I waited for him to call back.
“I don’t think so. Kayla didn’t say much. I wish Drew would call me back.” I sighed, trying to focus on the band until the phone finally rang and I quickly picked it up.
“Natalie,” he said and I could hear the worry in his voice. “What’s going on?”
“Kayla’s been trying to reach you. Christina’s been in the hospital. She needs you to call her.”
“Is Chris okay?”
“I don’t know, but call Kayla.”
“I’ll call you back, Natalie,” he said and didn’t bother saying goodbye before hanging up. He’d sounded scared and all I could do was wait for him to get back to me.
“I think I’m gonna head home,” I told Court.
“Do you want me to come with you?”
“No. You stay here with Peter. All I’m going to do is wait. You don’t need to waste your time.”
“It’s not a waste of time.”
“Thank you, Court, but really, it’s okay. I’ll be terrible company anyway. I’ve got too much on my mind right now.”
“Keep me posted, okay?” he said, leaning in and hugging me.
“I will,” I said and then left the club and made my way home.
Drew still hadn’t called me back by the time I got back. I changed into my pajamas and tried occupying myself with the TV. I was starting to get impatient though. It’d been almost forty-five minutes since I’d spoken with him. I thought about calling him or Kayla, but I didn’t want to push. They were in the middle of a family emergency and I shouldn’t interfere.
When the phone finally rang, I grabbed it quickly, and saw it was Drew.
“I’ve been so worried,” I said, foregoing a greeting.
“I was finalizing plans after talking to Kayla.”
“How’s Christina?”
“I don’t know,” he said as his voice dropped off.
“What happened?”
“She overdosed,” he said quietly. “My mom found her at her apartment with a bottle of pills beside her.”
“It was intentional?” I whispered.
“I can’t talk about this right now,” he said and I could tell he was struggling to hold it together. “I’ll be home tomorrow afternoon.”
“You’re coming home?”
“I have to. I’ll be in at one and then we’ll drive to Connecticut.” His voice sounded even more lost now and I wished there was something I could do to help him.
“I’m sorry this is happening.” It was the only thing I could think to say.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said and then the line went dead. I stared at my phone for a few seconds before setting it down and leaning back into the couch. Drew would be home in less than twenty-four hours. I felt a knot form in my stomach as I thought about everything I had to say to him.
Thirty-Six
I didn’t sleep well. My mind was consumed with Christina and with the discussion I knew was coming with Drew regarding graduate school. Aside from a few brief naps, I’d tossed and turned, finally giving up trying at six o’clock. I showered and got ready for the day. Drew had texted me that his flight had left on time and right on schedule, he opened the apartment door. He looked tired, but he came over to me, taking me in his arms.
“It’s good to hold you again,” he said as he pressed me even closer to him.
“How was your flight?”
“Long,” he said, finally letting me go. “Are you packed?” he asked and I nodded.
“I packed you a bag too. I hope that’s all right.”
“You’re the best,” he said, kissing my temple and going to the fridge to grab a bottle of water. “We should go.”
“Are you okay to go already? You just got here.”
“My sister’s in the hospital,” he said curtly. “She tried to kill herself. Of course I’m ready.”
“I’m sorry. I was only making sure,” I said apologetically and I watched as his face drained into a frown.
“No. I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I don’t mean to snap at you. I’m tired and angry, but I shouldn’t take it out on you.”
I walked over to him, rubbing his back for a few moments as he closed his eyes, enjoying my touch.
“It’ll be okay,” I said softly, but his lack of response told me he didn’t believe me. “Do you want me to drive?” I offered, even though he’d probably gotten more sleep than me.
“I’m fine. Driving will help me focus and not think about all of the stupid shit my sister does.”
He put his glass in the sink and then he grabbed the duffle bag I’d packed and led me outside.
Talking was kept to a minimum during the drive, especially after I’d asked him if he’d learned anything else about Christina. His response had been a forceful shake of the head and a mumbled, “I’d rather not talk about it right now.” I’d changed the subject to his work and he seemed to brighten, although just a little, when he talked about it since the hospital project finally seemed to be going smoothly. After that though, the SUV was filled mostly with music, but nothing else.
When we made it to the hospital, I didn’t like the silence and I didn’t like how tense Drew was as he held my hand as he led me in. After asking for directions, we found Christina’s room. I could tell he was anxious to get inside, but just as he was about to open the door, I stopped him.
“What’s the matter?” he asked me.
“I think I should wait out here.”
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“I’m the last person she wants to see. This is already hard enough for your family. I don’t want to upset her.”
“You won’t.”
“Yes, I will,” I insisted.
“No, you won’t because she’s not regained consciousness since they found her,” he said softly and I rested my hand on his arm.
“Drew…I didn’t know. You haven’t told me anything,” I said, looking into his eyes, wishing he would talk to me.
“Because I can’t talk about it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I can’t.” His words were louder this time and more forceful and I felt my hand leaving his arm, stepping back in surprise. “I’m sorry, Natalie,” he said, coming towards me and resting his palm on my cheek. “Please try and understand. I’m not trying to shut you out. I need you here beside me. Please.”
He was staring at me pleadingly and I took his hand, squeezing it tightly and nodding before he pushed the door open.
We were greeted by a steady beeping and then I saw Kayla sitting in a chair in the corner and his mom sitting beside Christina who was lying still in the hospital bed. Her black hair fanned out around the pillow and her skin looked too pale. Kayla stood up and I felt Drew’s grip on my hand loosen as he left me behind to meet his sister. They embraced tightly and held each other for a long time. When they pulled back, he stared at Christina. He seemed frozen for a few moments, unable to move as he looked down at her. His mother reached for him then and he went to her, sitting in the empty chair beside her. He wrapped his arms around her and I could tell Janice was crying.
“Why would she do this, Andrew?” I heard her choke out.
“It’ll be okay, Mom,” he said back. “I’ll make this right.”
I didn’t feel right being here…watching this. This was between his family and I felt like an intruder. He’d asked me to come with him though. He said he wanted me here, but I couldn’t see what good I was doing. I turned, pushing the door open and walked out. I leaned against the wall, cupping my hand over my mouth as I tried to wrap my mind around everything that was happening.
“Natalie?” a soft voice interrupted my thoughts and I looked up to see Kayla. “You didn’t have to leave.”
“I didn’t feel right being in there…especially not with the way Christina feels about me.” She came over and gave me a hug before pulling away. “How’s your mom doing?” I asked her, even though I already knew the answer to my question.
“Not good,” she said honestly.
“And your dad?”
“He’s outside talking to Ella.”
“Is she coming?”
“No,” she said and then paused. “Unless things take a turn for the worse. She can’t leave Seattle on a dime. Not like Drew could leave L.A.,” she said and then changed the subject. “How is Drew?” she asked me and I shrugged my shoulders.
“I don’t know. He won’t talk about it. I didn’t even know your sister was still unconscious. He’s told me nothing. Says he can’t talk about,” I told her and she nodded as if she wasn’t surprised.
“Believe it or not, Drew and Christina have always had a bond Ella and I were never part of, especially as they got older.”
“I didn’t know that. He makes it sound as if they rarely even talk.”
“They don’t much anymore, as far as I know. But there’s always been something between them regardless. He’s always been protective of all three of u
s, but especially of her, despite everything she’s done. He’s probably in shock right now. We all knew she had her problems, but we never thought this…that suicide would ever be her answer.”
I could see the tears in Kayla’s eyes as she talked, but she quickly wiped them away.
“Will Christina be okay?”
“I hope so,” she said quietly.
“What happened?”
“We don’t really know. All we have is speculation. My mom couldn’t get a hold of her all day so she finally went to her apartment and that’s when she found her, passed out in the bedroom with an empty bottle of Percocet. We don’t even know where she got something that strong, but then again…” she said, her voice trailing off. “Looks like we didn’t know a lot of things.”
“I’m sorry,” I said as a tear finally fell from Kayla’s eye.
“Welcome to our fucked up family, Natalie,” she said, trying to laugh, but she couldn’t and I didn’t say anything. I just pulled her to me. The door opened a moment later and Janice walked out, looking distraught and tired with heavy bags under her eyes.
“I need some coffee,” she said to Kayla and then her eyes drifted to me. “Hello, Natalie.” She tried smiling, but it never fully formed. She walked over and hugged me and then turned back to Kayla.
“I could use some coffee too. I know you don’t drink the stuff, but would you like something else, Natalie?” she asked.
“No, thank you.”
“Let’s go then, Mom,” she said, taking her mother’s arm and walking away.
I peered inside through the small window and I could see Drew hunched in his chair, head down and holding his sister’s hand. Slowly, I pushed the door open and walked quietly inside.
“I’m so sorry, Chris. This is all my fault. I’m so sorry,” I heard him whispering and I made my way cautiously toward him, resting my hand gently on his back. He looked up at me, his eyes red and swollen. I’d only ever seen him look so broken once before and that was when we’d lost our baby. I didn’t know what to say to him. I didn’t think there was anything I could say and so I sat down in the vacant chair beside him and held his hand.
“I love you, Drew,” I finally whispered after a few silent minutes, but he didn’t say anything, he just put his arm around me, pulling me to him as we both stared at his sister…the woman who’d been the source of so much pain and frustration…and all we could do was pray she’d be okay.
The Heart of Tomorrow (Book Two) (The Tomorrow Series 2) Page 26