“Yes. That’s not a problem.”
“Good. He needs to feel wanted right now and that he still has a place in this world. Once he feels that, he’ll come back to the real world.”
The counselor leaned over and picked up his coat from the chair.
Richard smiled slightly.
“Thank you. Thank you for coming over today,” Richard said as they walked toward the front door, not believing that the counselor knew what he was talking about.
Mr. Baker handed Richard a business card.
“Mr. Mathews, if anything happens, if there is any change in Cory, please call me. I’ll be available. I haven’t really been able to get to know him yet, but I have this feeling. He’s strong, stronger than any of us may realize. I’m hoping that his strength will carry him through this.”
“So do I, so do I.”
That was the one thing that Richard knew in which the counselor was correct.
The counselor walked out the door.
Richard stood alone for a moment and then looked upward toward Cory’s room.
Sixteen
* * *
The Remorse
Cory wanted nothing to do with the outside world because it had taken his friend from him. He understood why it had happened too. Johnny had pulled the trigger, but Johnny was following what Johnny thought was a normal thing to do. He was following the implied rules set down by the society in which he lived. Cory didn’t blame Johnny for Matt’s death. He blamed the society which had hate in its heart, a society which does not want to know that there are other people out there, a society that feared those who are other than themselves.
He had spent the next few days in his room, isolating himself from anything outside the door. He awoke late the first morning, looked toward the window and recognizing that it was another day, turned over to sleep through it. He didn’t want to be part of it. As he tried to sleep, a tear rolled down his cheek.
That evening, he was lying in bed staring at the wall beside him. After hours of motionless staring, he heard a knock at his bedroom door. He rolled over slightly to stare at the door, but said nothing.
Richard entered with his dinner on a tray, crossed the room and set it on his desk.
Rolling over, Cory continued to stare at the wall. He wanted to think about nothing, to become a nothing. To be human, you have to think, to care, to feel emotions. The pain of being human was too much.
Richard looked at him for a moment and then left the room. Cory did not eat his dinner that night.
Cory spent the next day looking out the window. He wouldn’t dress himself, but preferred to sit on his desk chair in his boxer underwear staring out of the window and seeing nothing. In mid afternoon, he saw Kevin walk up the street and stop at the front of the house. Kevin’s eyes moved to the window of his room. The two boys stared at each other for a moment, and then Kevin moved toward the front door. Cory continued his blank stare at the front lawn, and then moved slowly to his bed. He laid down again facing the wall as he heard the sound of the doorbell.
Within moments, he heard a new sound of someone knocking at his bedroom door, but again remained motionless. Richard slowly opened the door, and only pushed his head inside of his bedroom.
“Cory? Kevin’s here to see you.”
Cory remained still.
“Did you hear what I said?” Richard asked.
Cory would not turn away from the wall.
“Tell him I’m sleeping, will you?
“Cory. You can’t let this go on like this. Won’t you please go talk to him?”
Silence.
“Cory?”
Without any life coming from him, Richard looked downward toward the floor and then slowly closed the door.
The next day, Cory again began sitting by the window wearing only his underwear. He was now spending most of the day just staring out of the open window. Again, he saw Kevin approach the house. But this time, he did not make eye contact with Kevin and moved away from the window. He resumed his fetal position on his bed facing the wall. He knew that he was going to lose Kevin too. That’s what the world was all about. It would eventually take Kevin too. He would be alone. He knew that. So right now, he was alone with himself.
The next day Cory kept thinking about Matt’s funeral. he knew it was the next day as he had heard voices from the living room over the past few days talking about it. As he stared out the window, he knew that this was a decision time for him. He wanted to go, but he also wanted desperately to not be at the funeral. He looked out the window for a moment, but then turned, crossed the room and opened the door.
As he approached the kitchen, he could see Richard quietly and reflectively seated at the kitchen table, a cold cup of coffee was in front of him. Cory stopped at the entrance to the kitchen, and Richard looked up, but said nothing.
Softly, Cory finally spoke.
“I think I’d like to go the funeral tomorrow.”
Richard was silent for a moment but held his eyes on the boy at the other end of the kitchen.
“Do you think you’re ready for that? It’ll be very emotional for you.”
“No. I’m not ready,” he heatedly said. But then more softly, “But I have to be there.”
“Okay. There’s no church service, only a graveside one. We’ll leave at 10:00 am.”
A slight smile came across Richard’s face.
After a moment of silence, Cory nodded, turned and went back upstairs to his room. He lay back on top of his bed, but this time, he stared at the ceiling with his hands folded behind his head.
Dresssing quickly the next morning, he didn’t really pay much attention to how he looked. He was only going through the motions. He did not smile, but he did not frown either. Not really checking how he looked one last time like he usually did before he goes out, he left his room to join Richard downstairs.
Richard was in the kitchen putting the milk back into the refrigerator when he saw Cory come in the room.
“Ready?” he asked.
“I guess so,” Cory replied with no expression.
The drive to the cemetery was filled with silence as Cory sat the entire time watching the city glide by outside the window. Richard parked the car at the curb a short distance from the grave site. They could not see the grave from the curb yet as they had to walk up a steep hill.
As Cory neared the top of the hill, the awning came into view. There were many people at the grave site, and most of them were kids he knew from school. But there were plenty of adults too. He only knew a few of the adults, mostly from school. Seeing Kevin and Kelly standing a short distance away, he didn’t go over to see them. Mr. Bettler, the school Principal, and Ryan Baker, the school counselor, were talking to each other nearby.
Richard put his hand on Cory’s shoulder for support as they walked the remaining distance to where the graveside service was to be held. As they came closer to the site, he saw Matt’s coffin. He had to stop for a moment. Cory stared at the coffin draped in flowers, still not wanting this to be true. Matt’s parents were seated in the middle of the first row of folding chairs beside the coffin. Matt’s father sat squarely with his head looking straight ahead while his mother sobbed openly into her handkerchief.
As they passed behind the people who had gathered, Cory saw again glimpses of the coffin passing between the people. He remained expressionless. They stopped at the rear of the assembly and waited for the service to begin. He moved close to Richard and then stood motionless.
After waiting quietly for a few minutes, a small man dressed in a black suit moved to the head of the coffin and began to speak.
“Dearly beloved. We are gathered...” was all that Cory heard. His attention was now riveted on the coffin. Suddenly he saw Matt’s face. It was beautiful. It was an image that he knew was in his mind, but the image was superimposed on and in the coffin, being one with it. In Cory’s mind, the image of Matt turned and looked straight at him, and smiled. Tears freely flowed down his c
heeks now, but he remained motionless as he watched his friend in front of him, beckoning him, understanding him, loving him.
A moment later, he started to slowly move forward, leaving Richard behind, keeping his thoughts on Matt. He moved his way through the crowd until he was in the front row. Kevin looked at him, but Cory didn’t see him. He was now looking straight down at the coffin. Matt’s image began to fade as he watched. Matt was leaving. Matt was leaving him. His tears exploded.
Seeing that the boy who he so loved was in such pain, Kevin bolted toward him.
“Nooo!” Cory yelled with all of his strength.
The minister stopped speaking as everyone looked at the boy disturbing Matt’s final resting. Kevin was now racing toward him, grabbing at the air between them to pull himself onward, faster.
Cory suddenly turned around and began pushing his way through the crowd. The people started backing away like the parting of the some sea...not red, but black...letting him through as he ran away from the coffin. Kevin could not reach him.
Cory ran, and ran, and ran, down the hill, past Richard’s car and across the cemetery, out the front gate, past the homes on the sides of the street. He ran all the way home.
Launching into his bedroom, he slammed the door behind him and abruptly stopped in the middle of the room. He looked at his window, not moving, not thinking – just staring. Slowly undressing himself down to his boxers, he threw his clothes on the floor. He moved to the window, sat in his desk chair and began staring out the window. After a moment, he reached up and closed the window, his last opening onto the world that had betrayed him. Leaving the closed window, he returned to his bed. He was now completely alone with himself.
Richard was beside himself the morning after the funeral. Matt was senselessly killed for no other reason than he had been gay and the fear that that had implanted on another boy. His foster son, Cory, the boy that he now loved as his own son, had retreated into himself in a rejection of the outside world. Cory lay upstairs in his room, alone unto himself as Richard sat on the living room sofa staring out of the front window seeing nothing.
Suddenly he was brought back to reality when, through the front window, he saw a car pull into the driveway. A middle aged man, well dressed, got out of the car, stopped to look at the house and then moved toward the front door. Kevin and Kelly continued their vigil outside of the house, and he could only focus on the two teenagers, not recognizing the man at his front door.
The doorbell rang but he didn’t move. He was still in a half world between reality and his grief over Cory’s withdrawal.
When the doorbell rang for a second time, he sullenly got up and walked to the front door. As he opened the door he was confronted with a large man, perhaps 6 foot 2 inches tall, neatly dressed in a well-tailored business suit and matching tie. Richard stared at the man, saying nothing.
“Mr. Mathews?” The man finally had to say.
His eyes bulged widely as the voice in front of him registered. It was Matt’s father. This was the father of the boy whose funeral he and Cory had been to yesterday.
“Oh God, I’m sorry, Todd. Please come in,” he finally said with embarrassment and sympathy.
“Thank you,” Todd Hubble replied as he stepped through the door.
Todd moved into the center of the living room, turned to face Richard and remained standing with his hands together in front of him. “Please. Can I get you anything?” he asked. “No, no thank you.”
“I’m really sorry about your son,” Richard had to say, remembering the grief that he had gone through when his own wife had passed away.
“Thank you for that. I’m going to miss him so very much. But that’s not why I’m here.”
Richard looked at him, a puzzled look on his face. Moments went by.
“I’m here to see Cory.”
“Cory? But why?”
“Mr. Mathews, I’m a doctor. Actually, I’m also a psychologist. In the past few days, I’ve had quite a few conversations with the school counselors, Mr. Bettler and our own friends as well as friends of Cory and Matt. I know that Cory is shutting down. He’s shutting out the reality that Matt has died. I’d like to try to talk to him, if it’s okay with you.”
Todd smiled briefly.
“Yes, of course. I’ll get him,” Richard blurted out.
He was eager to have some professional help in bringing Cory back to reality.
“No, I’d like to see him alone, in his room if that’s possible.”
Richard instinctively knew that the best place would be in his own room where Cory could feel safe.
“Okay, I’ll show you where his room is.”
Leading him to the stairway, he started to walk up the stairs with Todd following closely behind. As they approached Cory’s room at the end of the upstairs hallway, He stopped, looked at Todd and then quietly knocked on the door. As they entered, they saw Cory lying on his bed in his underwear looking at a blank wall. The starkness of the wall gave both of them a sense of his loneliness.
Cory turned to see who was at the door, and immediately recognized Dr. Hubble. He quickly turned away and resumed his vigil with the wall.
Dr. Hubble entered the room but stopped within a few feet of the door, while Richard remained in the hallway just outside the door for a few moments and then quietly closed the door behind him.
Richard remained in the hallway just outside the door for a few moments, but eventually turned and returned to the living room. After a few moments, Dr. Hubble opened the conversation.
“Hello, Cory.”
Cory did not respond or acknowledge Dr. Hubble’s presence.
“Come and join me by the window,” he said as he picked up a chair and carried it to the closed window.
“No. I don’t want to look outside.” Picking up another chair, he placed it next to the other one in front of the window.
“Come on, son. Come talk to me about Matt.”
Cory had heard his friend’s name and his mind began to race back to the times that he had spent with Matt before he died.
“Let’s talk about the Matt who we both knew, shall we?”
Cory wanted so much to be able to talk about him, but he had left him. His mind began telling him that if he talked about him, maybe it would seem like he wasn’t gone, that he could be with him again.
He lay motionless on the bed for a few long minutes, but then slowly got out of bed and walked to the empty chair. He slowly sat and turned his gaze to the emptiness outside.
“Thank you, Cory.”
Dr. Hubble, sitting backwards in the chair, looked at him. He then put his hands on the back of the chair. Looking directly into Cory’s eyes, Dr. Hubble said nothing, just quietly watching for some time as Cory continued looking out the window. Very softly, but speaking directly at Cory, he began to speak.
“Do you miss him, Cory?”
He said nothing and continued to look out the window, but he was listening to Dr Hubble.
“I know you miss him, I miss him too. And so does his mother. Matthew got caught in something that he had no control over. I think you know what that was. Of all of his friends, I think you know more and understand more of what really happened than most people. I think Richard realizes it too, but not like you do.”
Dr. Hubble paused to let his words sink in, and then continued.
“Take a look out the window. Who do you see?”
Cory leaned closer to the window.
He continued. “Do you see Kevin standing down there? He’s been trying to see you for the last four days. He’s not going to go away because he’s not going to let you go. He loves you too much. But I think you know that.”
Continuing to look at Cory, he looked for a reaction. He knew that his words were having an effect on him, as Cory let the first tear glide across his cheek.
Shifting his chair closer to him, he put his chin on the back of his hands resting on the back of the chair. He was now inches from Cory’s face, and he began
to speak again slowly and quietly.
“Matt is still here. Do you know that?”
For the first time, Cory turned to face Dr. Hubble, but still said nothing. Tears were streaking down his cheeks now as he sniffled.
“Look outside again, Cory.”
He turned and looked through the window again.
“Down there, on the lawn. Don’t you see him? It looks like Kevin, but Matt is there, too. He’s inside of him. He’s a part of him.”
Cory stared at Kevin and began to see Matt’s face within his. They were as one.
“He’s a part of you too, Cory. You are who you are because Matt touched a part of your life. He’s a part of every person who he’s ever touched.”
Through the tears, Cory started a smile.
“Look down there again, Cory. Do you see Kelly across the street?”
Cory looked up slightly and saw her standing alone across the street looking directly at him.
“Matt’s a part of her too. I also know that she loved him very much. I know that you all did.”
Dr. Hubble paused for a moment, gathering his resolve.
“I also know that my son was gay, and he was killed as a reaction to his being gay by someone who couldn’t understand his own feelings, not by you.”
Pausing again, he looked straight at Cory’s face, only inches from his own. Cory’s smile continued to grow along with his tears. He was now openly crying.
“Maybe we won’t see Matt every day, but he’s still always here. We have our memories that can’t be taken away. Don’t lose them. I know I won’t. Hold onto them.”
Cory’s sobbing was now uncontrollable. He turned and flew into Dr. Hubble’s arms, knocking over his chair.
“Oh God! I miss him so much. I feel so responsible,” he finally was able to say with starts and stops.
“You’re not responsible, and you really do know that.”
Cory held onto him for a long time, his tears slowly subsiding. He had a smile growing across his face.
Dr. Hubble rose from his chair while still holding onto him.
“I know,” Cory said as he turned to face him. Nothing more could be said. With the help of Dr. Hubble’s words, he had seen what had killed Matt, and he now knew that Matt would always be with him.
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