“Are we going across?” I finally asked, excitedly. I had never been to the other side where the hills rolled high above in plush green landscapes so opposite the hustle and bustle of San Francisco.
“We are, there's a special place I know that I want to show you. May be a little weird, but probably my favorite place in the whole Bay Area.”
For some reason I found just crossing that bridge and being on it, looking up as we crossed, to be magical. I was sorry it was over much too soon. Liam turned right almost immediately and pulled into a scenic lookout spot just on the other side of the bridge. We stopped and got out. It was so surreal looking out across the water at San Francisco. Such a strikingly different view.
Liam took out his phone and immediately began snapping pictures. “Turn around and smile,” he told me.
I froze. I didn't take pictures, ever. They were nothing more than validation that I, Maddie Collier, existed, and I couldn't let that get back to my family. It wasn't fair to them.
“What's wrong?”
“I, uh . . .” I didn't know how to explain it to him. “I don't like having my picture taken.” I lamely tried to play it off.
“Don't be ridiculous,” Liam said. Before I knew it he was standing behind me and holding the phone away from us, snapping selfies of the two of us. He started making faces and acting silly until I couldn't help but smile. “See, that wasn't so bad,” he said triumphantly, kissing my cheek and sending tingles throughout my body. “Come on, we're not there yet.”
“Wait, we're not?”
“Nope,” he said as we got back in the car and headed out away from the Golden Gate Bridge. He took a left a little ways up and began a slow climb up the mountain. There were lookout stops all along the way, but he didn't stop until we'd reached the top.
“It's beautiful,” I whispered.
“Yes, it is, but still not there, come on.”
I laughed, getting out of the car. He came around, took my hand, and led me to an opening in the mountain. “Are we supposed to be here?” I asked as he led me into a dark and somewhat spooky-looking tunnel. Halfway through, the smell of urine was strongly mixed with the fragrance I knew to be spray paint. A small opening to our right appeared.
“You do not want to go in there,” he warned, and I realized the smells were coming from inside. We moved past it quickly, coming out on the other side.
Everything was so green. A thick forest covered the hillside, and a cove with a small town surrounding it was seen far below. It was beautiful. I inhaled deeply, taking in the woodsy smells. It called to me like nothing never had before. It smelled a little like home.
My entire body sagged and I started to cry. Strong arms wrapped around me.
“I'm so sorry, I didn't know it would upset you.”
“It's beautiful. It's just”—I sniffed—“it's just that it smells a lot like home.”
He just held me and let me cry. Anyone else and I'd have been mortified, but not with Liam. When my sobs slowed to mere whimpers he hugged me tighter and finally spoke.
“Better?” he asked sweetly.
I chanced a look at him and wish I hadn't. I needed to just close my eyes and tell him everything and then leave and take Oscar and go home. My mouth was dry and my palms started to sweat. The darkness started to sneak into my peripheral vision.
“Hey, stay with me now. Just breathe in the fresh air,” he told me in a soothing tone.
“I can't, it hurts too much.”
“What? Why does it hurt, Maddie? I need you to talk to me.”
I opened my eyes and looked straight into his. “Because it smells like home. The memories are too much. I'm not strong enough to face them. I can't. I don't want to remember.”
“What don't you want to remember?”
“Them,” I whispered. “I don't want to remember Mom and Dad, and my sisters, and Thomas. That's not my life anymore, and it hurts too much to remember them.”
“Sweetheart, they are going to know you're alive. We're going to have to face the challenges and while many packs are not welcome into Westin territory right now, Collier isn't one of them. They're going to find out you're still alive.”
My spine straightened and my body stiffened. “They won't,” I said in a voice I barely recognized as my own, “because we aren't going through the challenges. I can't accept you as my mate.”
I vividly felt his confusion and hurt. It was almost crippling.
“You don't mean that.”
“Liam.” I sighed. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. “There are things you don't know or understand about me. Just trust I know what's best for both of us?”
“Do you? Do you really? Because this is not what's best for me, Madelyn.” His voice was full of pain and despair and I could feel his resolve strengthening. He wasn't going to let me go without a fight.
I was grateful there was not a single other person around to witness.
“You're going to have to accept my decision, because it is final. And I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't share my whereabouts or even that I'm still alive with anyone. I need you to forget you ever saw me.”
He snorted in retort. “That will never happen, and you know it. You only get one true mate, Maddie.”
“My name is Jane. Jane Winthrop. I can't be the girl you remembered. She's dead, Liam.”
“No, you're not, Maddie. You're right here. I'm right here.”
I didn't know what was happening until it was too late. His mouth descended on mine with a wild desperation. Every part of me screamed to respond in kind and I tried not to, but it was so hard. I should have been panicked. I should have been quivering in fear at such dominance over me, but I wasn't panicked and I wasn't afraid—but I was enjoying it far too much.
I pulled back, breathless, trying to fortify the wall I'd attempted to erect between us.
“Please, just tell me why.”
That was it, I couldn't take it anymore. I sat down hard on the ground just off the path and lay back into the grass. “I don't know how to make you understand without telling you things I've never told anyone.”
“I'm your mate, Mad, there're no secrets between us.”
I looked back into his hopeful eyes. It hurt me to see the hope there, knowing we could never be.
“Start from the beginning. Eight years ago, you went to a concert with a friend. She lost you in the crowd and no one ever saw or heard a thing about you since. What happened at that concert?”
I knew fear radiated from me. Joining me on the ground, he lay next to me and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me to him. He lay on his back while I found myself using his chest as a pillow. He stroked my back softly, begging me to answer. The positive of this position was that I didn't have to look at him.
I closed my eyes and began. “Jordan didn't lose me in the crowd that night. We'd met some college guys who were hitting on us. Us. Two sophomores in high school and six hot college guys. They were drinking, and offered us some. Jordan wouldn't take it, but I did. She got upset with me for drinking, and left. The guys said they had a suite we could hang in, so we did. It didn't take long for things to change once they had me alone in the room.”
I stopped talking. I couldn't tell him what they'd done to me. I didn't want to admit to him of all people how they'd ruined me, and how I'd likely never have another child because of it.
“Go on,” he said, and I felt a surge of power crawl over me. I shivered at the sensation. It was Alpha power, but I didn't think Liam was an Alpha, so I wasn't sure how he was doing it, yet it was like I was compelled to respond.
“They hurt me. Please don't ask me to go into details. I have to relive enough of it every time I close my eyes. I don't want to talk about it. Just know that they did really bad things, Liam. I was drugged, unable to move or fight back, but coherent enough to remember it all, until I finally blacked out. According to reports it was several days later before I awoke, beaten and bruised, with several broken bones.
I told them I didn't remember anything, but I did. I still do, every second of it all.” I paused and let that sink in. His body was drawn tight and his heartbeat erratic. He was furious for what I'd been through. I knew it without asking or even seeing his face. “I found out a few months later I was pregnant with Oscar. I'll never even know which one of them fathered him.”
He took a deep breath, and through gritted teeth said, “Go on.”
Tears fell from my eyes and I shook my head.
“Maddie, go on, I need to hear it all.”
“Why? ҆Cause being gang-raped by six men isn't enough? I've never confessed that to anyone and all you have to say is 'go on.”
“Go on,” he said again, as he released more Alpha power over me.
“They killed her. Is that want you want to hear? I can't be your mate because I don't have a wolf, Liam. She died, eight years ago, and so did Madelyn Collier.” I had never said it aloud before and it nearly broke me. I sobbed loudly before the hysterics set in. I lay there crying once again in his arms until no more tears would come.
He didn't talk, not one single word. He just held me, and despite all the horrors I'd faced and shared, in that moment I felt loved and cherished.
Liam
Chapter 11
Nothing she could have said could have shocked me more. What was she talking about? My wolf responded to her. She responded to me. On some level, I felt her wolf. Didn’t I? I was starting to second-guess everything.
“What do you mean you have no wolf? That’s not possible.” I could see how upset she was, but I had to know, so I pressed her to answer.
“There were signs she was going to emerge early. I could feel her, then it-it all happened, and when I woke up I was alone. All alone, Liam. She was gone. I don’t know how else to explain it. I’m twenty-four years old and I’ve never shifted. I don’t have a wolf.”
“Maddie, I don’t think it works that way.” My head was spinning.
“Then how would you explain it?”
I could feel the frustration rolling off her, mixed with anger and hurt. She sat, then stood and began to pace back and forth. I tried to hide my grin. Most shifters only did that when their wolves were agitated.
“You’re a wolf shifter. My wolf would not have claimed you otherwise.”
“Technically you haven’t claimed me, Liam, and you aren’t going to either. Oscar and I have a life. It’s a good one, and I can’t just give that up and go back to the life I left behind.”
I jumped up. needing her comfort as much as I needed to comfort her. “It’s not the life you left behind. It’s not. A life with me wouldn’t be the same. I can protect you and Oscar. I can give you anything you want.”
“Then give me this. Let me go.”
My heart was breaking and I was ready to beg her to change her mind, but I could feel her resolve. I’d found my one true mate, and she didn’t want me.
“I guess that’s it then. We should probably go.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you, Liam.”
“Yeah, well, it’s a little too late for that, isn’t it?” I didn’t mean for the sarcasm to cover my words, but I didn’t take it back either.
Tension was high between us as I led her up and over the hill to the very top. The magical views of the Pacific Ocean, and the little coves, were wasted on us. I didn’t stop at the place I had intended on taking her. I just glanced at the small rooftop of the old fort where you could stand and see San Francisco and the Pacific Ocean from an entirely different perspective that I loved. Instead, we headed to the right and followed the path back around to the car.
When the sight of the Golden Gate Bridge and San Francisco beyond came into view, she stopped and her breath hitched.
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” I asked, breaking the silence between us.
She reached for me without thinking and touched my arm. I wished she hadn’t; it gave me false hope and even consciously telling myself it meant nothing didn’t change the way it made me feel.
“So beautiful. Everything looks perfect from up here.”
I nodded. I had always thought the same.
We finished the walk down to the car in silence, but with less tension between us. I wasn’t angry. I wanted to be, but I couldn’t. I was just very upset. I needed time away from Madelyn to process everything she had said to me.
My phone buzzed a new text arrival as we got in the car.
LILY: 8 years today. Where are you? I need you.
Eight years today? I wondered what she was talking about.
LIAM: Busy, what’s 8 years today?
LILY: I know you’re busy. I just miss you. Always a tough day.
LILY: 8 years since MC disappeared. I still miss her.
I looked at the calendar. Sure enough, it had been eight years to the day since Madelyn Collier had disappeared from the earth. My twin still mourned her loss every year. In the past I had always done something special to help take Lil’s mind of it all.
“Shit,” I said to myself, feeling guiltier than ever. Not only had I forgotten the anniversary of Maddie’s disappearance and didn’t even check on my sister, but I had the real woman sitting next to me and something told me that she didn’t want even her childhood friend to know she was alive and well.
“What’s wrong?” she asked.
“It’s, uh, nothing. Don’t worry about it.” I didn’t want to burden her with guilt. It was kind of ironic, despite her ripping my heart out and dancing on it, I still couldn’t bring myself to cause her anymore pain. I laughed to myself, shaking my head as I drove. The entire situation was beyond screwed up and I desperately needed a stiff drink.
“Liam, I can tell you’re worried about something; what is it?”
“Don’t, just don’t, Maddie. You’ve made your position clear and I’m trying really hard to respect it. Acting like you care isn’t helping.”
“Well, I do care, Liam. If my situation was different in any way, we’d be having a much different conversation. You know that, right? I really need to know you understand. This isn’t easy on me either, but I have to do what’s best for me and Oscar.”
“And clearly that’s not me, or doesn’t leave any room at all for me in your lives. I heard you, loud and clear.”
She was getting more aggravated than upset. Good, I thought.
We made it back to the hotel without another word. I thought we’d say goodbye there and that would be the end of things, but to my surprise, Maddie followed me to the elevator. I briefly heard the receptionist call my name as the doors on the elevator closed. Being confined with Maddie in the car had been difficult because her scent had been everywhere, but stuck in the elevator with her was far worse. Not only was I consumed by her scent, but there were other male smells throughout which only heightened my awareness and fueled that stupid need to protect her.
As the doors opened she spoke. “Liam, I don’t want us to part angry.”
“I’m not angry, Mad. I’m hurt and in shock, but I don’t think I could ever truly be angry with you.”
“It’s still early, and Oscar’s going to worry if I come home too early.”
She was fidgeting with the seam of her shirt and wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“You can hang out in my room until enough time has passed.” The second the words were out of my mouth, I wanted to kick my own ass. I didn’t want more time with her like this. I wanted to curl up and lick my wounds.
She followed me down the hall to my room. I opened the door and held it for her to walk through. It was followed by the loudest screech I’d ever heard. My wolf leaped for control, which never happened with me, not since I first changed at the age of seventeen and learned to control him.
My only thought was that my mate was in trouble. I quickly shielded her, pinned against the wall as the door shut behind us and I carefully examined the room. Sitting on the small couch was a very pale, very shocked Lily.
“Dammit, Lil, what are you doing here?” I a
sked, trying to get my body to relax without much success.
Maddie was trying to push me out of the way and scramble for the door, but it was too late.
“Maddie?” Lily asked, tears already streaming down her face. “Is that really you? Liam, tell me I’m not seeing ghosts or something.”
I sighed. “Lil, this is my friend.” I hesitated. “Jane. And I’m pretty sure you just scared the life out of us both.”
She tried to approach as I continued to shield Maddie.
“It’s uncanny really. Look at her, Liam, and today of all days. Wow,” she said, shaking her head. “I’m sorry, you just remind me of someone.” She sighed. “Sorry, I can’t help but stare. Tell me she doesn’t look just like MC, Liam.”
I followed my sister’s gaze to my mate. Despite herself, Maddie smiled, and then tears started to spring to her eyes at the use of her old nickname that I’m pretty sure only Lily and my siblings ever called her.
Suddenly my vision started to darken around the edges and my palms began to sweat. As my heart started racing it dawned on me that I was fine, because it wasn’t coming from me. I was feeding off my mate.
“Shit!” I yelled, picking Maddie up and moving to the couch where I cradled her on my lap. “Just breathe, sweetheart. Deep breaths, in and out. Listen to my voice.” She clung to me, hiding her face in my shoulder, but my touch was calming her and slowly bring her back before her panic could fully set in. Knowing she was going to be okay, I just held her close to me. “Lily, back off and give her a minute.”
“What’s wrong with her?” Lily asked after heeding my request.
I hugged her close. She was the most precious thing in my life and I was already back to never wanting to let her go. “She’s just been through some shit. Sometimes she has a hard time dealing and you freaked her out, screaming like a banshee.”
“Sorry,” she said to me, then addressed Maddie. “I’m really sorry. You really do look a lot like an old friend of mine.” She sat down on the couch next to me. Lily always did have issues with personal boundaries. “I just really miss her. She disappeared eight years ago today. It’s always just a hard anniversary for me, so I drove up to see Liam. He always cheers me up on this day and I missed him.” She elbowed me hard. “You could have warned me you were sneaking off to meet a girl.”
Forever Mine (Westin Pack Book 3) Page 8