All of a sudden, he’d stopped and stated, “Get off my knee, strip and go stand in the corner. You don’t move a goddamn inch until ten minutes are up.” Standing there quivering, I watched him close his eyes, clench them for a second and then, in a quieter, calmer voice, he’d murmured, “You’re to think of why you’re there; why you’re being punished and if you so much as think about touching your pussy, you’ll get the belt again. But this time on your bare behind. Do you understand me, Marina?”
“Yes, Sir,” I’d whimpered, reacting to both his fury and attempt at patience. I would have liked to mock his idea of my touching myself with my ass still stinging and burning from the belt, but he was right. Damn his hide. I could have cum, if he’d so much as touched me in the right place.
This masochistic tendency was one of the hardest parts of my nature to come to terms with. Standing in the corner had been both mortifying and a privilege. Being whacked by a belt didn’t make me feel as though I was being abused, but cherished. He cared enough to punish me for my insolence.
The instant he’d grabbed a hold of me, my focus had changed, shifted from the outside world and been directed entirely upon him. Nothing else had existed. Nobody, no one.
I’d taken off my clothes and walked to the corner and stood there for God knows how long until he told me I could move.
The lashings of the belt hadn’t made me cry, nor had my time in the corner. I’d stood there, my mind split in two. The time to breathe, to look back over the last half-hour had urged me to delve into what had just happened.
While I’d been wrong to behave as I had, to break the rules I’d been obeying religiously, I had a justifiable reason. Or, at least, I’d thought so. My insides had been rebelling by the time he’d bitten out, “Come and kneel in front of me.”
Naked, more than just physically, I’d knelt in front of him—something in itself, I’m becoming accustomed to—with my head bowed. My mind had still been a whirl of activity. Rebellion, frustration, exasperation... I’d literally been champing at the bit with my self-righteous anger. I was concerned for my friends! How can I be punished for that?
Almost as though he’d known my thoughts verbatim, in his coldest tones, tones I’d never heard before the shooting in Chicago, he’d bitten out, “You weren’t punished for caring for your friends. You insist on believing you’re as hard as stone but you have a very soft heart. I know that, why do you think I haven’t given up on you?” That had stung! More than the belt! “I don’t doubt that it’s kind of you to care about your friends but your first loyalty is to me and to the bond we have together. You must consult me when you feel you need to make an important decision. You do not start planning without asking me for my opinion.”
“They’re my friends! I can’t just drop them.”
“One.” The number was a threat. A punishment had been earned. Despite myself, the memories of that first day had rushed to the fore. The pegs, the spanking... they were a reminder to behave and the actual agony of those five minutes with my nipples throbbing as pain spliced them in half with those damned pegs... that punishment alone had had me behaving like a good girl for the majority of the five days since.
My mouth snapped shut and the words quivering on my tongue faded away almost as though they’d never been there.
“I don’t expect you to drop them. But neither have they contacted you for assistance. We don’t know where Mona even is and Eddie, well, I don’t know her but from what you’ve told me in the past, she’s a woman of routine. If she isn’t answering, then yes, I admit, there’s something odd about that, but again, she would ask you for help if she needed it. Like she has done in the past, right?”
He’d been correct. Damn him. The instant he mentioned it, the memory floated through my mind. It was one I’d forgotten. But it was memorable, because Eddie was so cool, calm and collected that she rarely asked for aid.
This one time, Eddie’s sister, Helene, had had the misfortune of being in a liquor store when a gang of men had burst in and tried to hold the place up. The owner of the store had refused, the robbers had held the customers hostage and a bad situation had gone from worse to shit. The police had managed to negotiate a release and Helene had been freed. No injuries, save for the psychological damage being held at gunpoint can do to a body!
Eddie had called me in an absolute panic. Her gobbledygook had made no sense until I’d managed to calm her down. I’d contacted Mona and the pair of us had converged on Eddie’s place and taken her to the hospital, where Helene had been sent for treatment for shock.
“Am I correct, Marina?”
My left eye twitched with the desire to tell him he was wrong, but even the thought had my stomach churning again. Not a good sign. Hell, since when did submissive traits and ulcers work together? Christ.
“Yes, Sir.” I’d tagged on the word, because at that moment, he hadn’t been Nate but Sir. My Sir.
“So, there’s no reason for you to fly to New York, is there?”
“N-no, Sir.”
Hearing the quiver in my voice, he’d leaned forward and cupped my cheek, tilting my head up so I could look him in the eye. “I know you want to protect them, Marina. But sometimes, you can’t. They have to live for themselves. Their choices, their decisions. If they knew that you were kneeling at my feet, they’d probably be concerned for you. They might wonder if you were in an abusive relationship. They don’t know you need this and they probably wouldn’t understand it. What goes on behind closed doors... only the people involved know the truth.”
My mouth had trembled as I’d whispered, “I do need you, Sir.”
Saying the words hadn’t been necessary, he hadn’t made me say them, but they’d just popped out to say hello. The truth will out. Isn’t that what they always say? And for that space of time, it most certainly had.
At that moment, I knew that whatever happened, bad or good in the world outside of this room, to people in our circle of friends, he would always respect me and them, so long as I didn’t disrespect our relationship.
That had to come first. Always.
Another lesson learned.
Once again, like a mind-reader, he’d murmured, “You can always come to me, Marina. I’m always here for whatever concerns you have. Not just as your Sir, but as your partner. I’ll always listen and try to help. But what we have must come first. You come before anyone else in my life just as I must in yours.” He’d sighed. “These last few days, you’ve been too good. You haven’t been my Marina.” His Marina. The words had sent shivers down my spine in contentment. “This had to come and I’m sorry it did over a subject like this. You’ve already been disciplined, but by completely forgetting your role in our relationship, you undermined it. You need further discipline, don’t you?”
I damned myself for putting us in this position. Where my friends are concerned, I’m as volatile as TNT. When Mona was threatened after the arson attack on her apartment building, my panic was total.
Now, with Mona and Eddie incommunicadas, that panic had returned and completely fucked up my thought process. I’d acted like the Marina of old and not the new Marina I’m learning I truly am.
“Yes, Sir.”
“You understand why, don’t you? I’m not punishing you for caring about your friends, but for forgetting about what we are to each other. For forgetting to ask my opinion, for overlooking me. That is verboten, Marina. You must always ask and concede to me. Are we clear?”
“Y-yes, Sir.”
“Good. Now stand up and go to the bed.”
I’d done as asked and watched as he struggled to his feet. One of his wounds had been on the borderline of infection for the last few days and his suffering had increased. Even though he did it silently and without complaint, I knew and hurt for him. That I’d done exactly as he’d said, forgotten about him, made me feel so incredibly guilty. He could have taken the belt to my behind again, lashed it against my bare butt and I would have accepted it gratefully.
My own guilt was more acidic than his chastisement.
Especially as he was so focused on my own well-being. He’d only come to the room to bring me a tray of food, for God’s sake and I’d completely forgotten him... Shame and horror wriggled around my insides and I’d watched as he headed over to the dresser and returned with three ties.
Two, he’d strapped to my wrists and after indicating that I should lie down, he’d tied me to the bed. The final one he’d wrapped around my face, covering my eyes.
Blinded and my body tethered, isolation had swamped me.
“I’m going to leave you here for half an hour. You’re not to fall asleep. You’re not to utter a word. You’re to lie here and think about how you should have approached me. Do you understand?”
I’d whispered that I did understand and his footsteps had sounded loud in the room, before the door opened and closed again. Silence, nothing but silence. Even knowing I was safe in Nate’s bedroom, I felt inordinately uncomfortable lying on his bed completely naked.
For the first few minutes, I spent time worrying about somebody walking in to clean his room. It was a stupid thought, because Nate had told me that I’d clean our quarters and considering, even in New York, I’ve always done it, the idea didn’t bother me even though I knew he thought it was a chore.
While I knew nobody would come in, I worried that someone wouldn’t have seen the memo to leave Nate’s quarters alone.
I’d like to say I wasted five minutes on that, but in the silence, alone, my sight stripped away from me, five minutes felt like an hour.
And then, my misery and guilt had returned. I’m a drama queen. I know it, Mona knows it and so does Eddie. If I get mad, I explode and the fallout is immense. My anger is nasty and mean and frantic. I could understand Nate’s fury and I knew I’d done wrong.
A part of me questioned whether I deserved the punishment I received but my natural response was to say, ‘No! Of course not!’ I don’t particularly want to be chastised. But I’ve learned that want and need are two different things.
Did I want to be tied to the bed?
No.
Did I need it?
Yes.
I’d been bad. This was Sir’s way of disciplining me, of teaching me wrong from right.
And I did do wrong. I couldn’t believe five days of zombie-walking could be instantly overtaken by a blast from my recent past. But considering how new to this I was, it could only have been expected.
For half an hour, thoughts and questions rolled around my mind. I repeated the scene in my head, replaying it and changing the way I reacted to how I should have behaved. It was difficult and if I ever had another hissy fit, I knew and still do, that no amount of discipline would make me think before I leap. If anything, that caused me to feel even guiltier.
Shame and humiliation at my lack of control, at my inability to control the temper that rarely fuses but once it does is like an atomic blast, had me trembling. At that point, I’d known I’d always be a disappointment to him. That I’d never be able to please him totally and the tears had started.
I’d managed to work through the sobs of self-disgust and in the aftermath, had lain there quietly, waiting for my time to come to an end. I didn’t even have it in me to be angry at the time-out, a punishment for kids. I’d deserved it and I understood why Nate had done it. Corner time and being restrained had been because I’d broken so many rules; my butt would have no skin on it after the requisite number of spankings.
I cringed at the number of fucks and other curse words I’d used, the amount of disrespect I’d thrown his way... and as my mind whirred, in the silence, I’d heard a noise that broke my concentration. A faint whisper of sound, like fabric brushing against fabric, something I wouldn’t have heard had I not been so reliant upon my ears after having my vision taken away from me. Somehow, I knew Nate was there. With me.
And that alone had made me start to sob again. He hadn’t abandoned me. Even in this, he was protecting me, ensuring I was okay.
The door opened, so I knew he hadn’t intended for me to realize he was there and then hands had been at my wrists, releasing them from the bedposts and tugging the blindfold away from my eyes. Blinking up at him through tear-laden lashes, I’d watched as he climbed on to the mattress and lain down beside me. As he reached for me, I’d poured myself into his arms. On his side, he’d angled one leg upward and I’d hooked both of mine in between them. Tucked into his embrace, surrounded by him, my face resting against his throat, I’d sobbed out my apology.
I’ve never cried so much in my damn life. Not even when Jimmy died. I’d been stoic in my grief. Silent and miserable. Utterly depressed at his loss.
But now, it was like an explosion had cut through the dam and only Nate could patch up the holes in the wall of my composure.
How long we’d laid there, his hand rubbing my back, me cuddled into him, I don’t know. It was one of the singlehanded most empowering moments of my life. And the other time had been after the second spanking on that first night.
Why had I found this situation empowering? It’s difficult to explain. From down during the punishment, realizing you’ve done something bad and hating yourself for disappointing your Sir, to the up of being embraced and cherished…
There’s nothing quite like it.
Eventually, into the silence, he’d whispered, “We’ll start to get back to normal soon. These last few days, you’ve been too good. It isn’t normal.” He’d chuckled at that and the sound had made everything inside me glow. “I can’t believe I’m saying that, but it isn’t. If I’d found you in tears, I’d have thought you were in a form of sub drop. But it’s almost like your mind was processing everything. Well, enough is enough. I want you to follow the rules, but you have a voice. Don’t think you don’t. I want you to be self-aware but not to the extent you don’t utter a damn word! It’s a phase. You’re thinking you can avoid punishment, but what you don’t understand, Marina, is that you need to be punished.
“Just because you blow a gasket whenever you’re furious doesn’t mean you aren’t self-contained. You are. You hold everything in and only when the pressure is too much, can you let go. Only this...” Nate swept a hand down to my butt and tugged at the reddened flesh of my behind. “...can release you from that without having to blow a fuse.”
“I’ll try my best, Sir,” I’d whispered against his throat, wanting to kiss his Adam’s apple but not daring to. "I am learning, I promise."
“I know you are and you’ll make me proud. I’m here for you, little one, always. If you’d come to me today and expressed your concerns, told me your fears, I would have listened and we could have discussed your need to visit your friends. I don’t want to punish you. I don’t have to punish you to play with you.” He bent his head and pressed a kiss to my temple. “Now then, just to prove I’m not mad, I have a gift for you. You’ve been a naughty girl today, but you’ve learned your lesson and you understand why you’ve been disciplined, don’t you?”
Nodding and whispering my assent against his skin, he’d continued, “Go and look on the floor in the closet. There’s a gift for you.”
When I was growing up, my grandfather on my mother’s side had a saying, ‘Beware Greeks bearing gifts.’ Xenophobic as the phrase was to Greeks, he was talking about the ancients who’d managed to con the Trojans by sending them a ‘gift’ and then using that as a means to destroy the city of Troy.
Well, I’d been played that way too.
Christ knows what I thought he was going to give me, my head was a blank, but the idea of pleasing him enough for a gift had me slipping off the bed and rushing to the closet faster than a kid on Christmas Day morning.
I opened the box in the closet and I’m glad I did. Under my breath, I uttered a curse, one too quiet for Nate to have heard and even though I knew it was bad, you try to withhold a fuck when you come across a box of toys.
And I’m not talking dollies.
I recognized some
of the products and some of the producers. At Papillon, I’d had to stock the rooms, more so the dungeons and we’d only used the best manufacturers. The finest whip makers, the best leather workers for floggers. The box in my hand had contained thousands of dollars’ worth of gear and it was all for me.
A flogger, paddle, a silicone whip and a riding crop. Cuffs, thick rope I know is used in shibari, Japanese rope bondage. Long silk ribbons. Nipple cuffs and silver pegs, chains to attach to them, weights to add to the sensation. Dildos, anal plugs... all in varying sizes and all eye-popping in their colors and functions. A proper blindfold made from silk, and something that had my insides quivering... a gag.
I couldn’t be certain if I’d been naughty or nice that year, because while this was marketed as a gift, nearly everything had my eyes crossing.
“Bring it in here, Marina,” he’d called out and I hadn’t failed to hear the amusement in his voice. Apparently, shell-shock can occur thousands of miles away from the battlefield.
Feeling dazed, I’d picked up the heavy box and returned to the bedroom. He’d been turned on, I could see it from the glint in his eye, but he’d climbed off the bed and said, “You can get dressed now. Your punishment is to see that everything is cleaned and ready for use at my convenience.” With that, he’d walked over to me, bussed me on the temple and left me to it.
And it was thanks to that box that I’m in my current position.
Okay, it wasn’t the box entirely. Two curses at Sam for telling me he needed an extra fifty grand for some equipment in the horse stables, a slam of my hand against the desk in my fury and turning my back on Nate, when he’d told me to calm down had prodded me into my current state...
Wrists tied to ankles, butt in the air, face down on the bed and a bullet vibrator in my pussy and the order that if I cum, I won’t be allowed to climax for two whole days, reverberating around my head.
Frustrated Instincts (Marina: Part Three: Naughty Nookie Series) Page 2