“I sure have missed you. Going to miss you even more now that you’re moving away.” He releases me, but rests his hands on my shoulders. “But you can still call me if you need me and I’ll get in the old pick-up and be on my way.”
My smile is a little wobbly because he’s made me all emotional now. “Thanks, Grandpa. You remember FC, right?”
“I do,” he nods curtly, reaching out to shake his hand. “It’s good to see you. I sure hope you plan to take good care of my granddaughter.”
“I do,” FC replies seriously.
I turn to my parents. “Mom, Dad, this is FC Hart. FC, meet my mom, Heidi, and my dad, Simon.”
The hellos are exchanged easily before Grandpa leads us all to his dining room table where food is already laid out. We take seats and begin to distribute food while questions are fired at us both. Silently, I thank my grandfather because my parents never ask me if I’m sure I should be moving to North Carolina. Instead, I get questions like have I found an apartment and a job. Or how often I plan to come back home for visits.
When they learn of FC’s son, it’s as if they learn they just became grandparents themselves and they definitely want us to either return with him soon or visit us as soon as they can. FC shows off pictures of Sawyer like the proud father he is. Speaking of Sawyer also gives him the excuse to call and check in, which allows my parents to see Sawyer and talk to him since it’s a video call. They fall in love immediately with Sawyer.
For the most part, FC freely shares the fact that he has sole custody of Sawyer and why. He doesn’t give them any gritty details, but he surprises me when he tells them it’s because Lila abused him and honestly didn’t care about Sawyer. The more FC talks, the more my parents seem to like him and the more my grandpa seems to respect him. I honestly couldn’t have imagined a better dinner, especially once things become more of a relaxed conversation instead of a targeted question and answer session.
Before the night is over with, FC promises that they can meet Sawyer.
Everything is all packed at my apartment, but he surprises me when he doesn’t want to take advantage of the additional night we can stay.
“I really hate to ask this, Idaline, but do you mind if we head home tonight? I’m having Sawyer withdrawals.”
“If that’s what you want to do, I’m okay with it.”
His gorgeous smile blooms on his face and he leans over the console to kiss me. “Thank you. I know we should probably stay and have one more night with just the two of us, but I can’t take it anymore.”
“Then let’s head home.”
We first drop by my apartment, so I can leave my keys and pick up my car. FC called ahead, so his mom is at his apartment with Sawyer. When we get there, he bypasses his mother and walks straight to Sawyer’s bedroom. His mother chuckles.
“I’m surprised he lasted this long to be honest,” she tells me.
I smile. “Me too.”
“If you need any help unpacking, let me know, okay?”
“Thanks.”
“I’m going to head on home; it’s late. Tell FC I’ll talk to him tomorrow.” His mother gives me a hug and then she’s out the door.
I walk down the hallway and find FC in Sawyer’s room. He stands over the crib, silently watching his son. I walk to his side and look down at him as well. FC takes my hand in his.
“I can’t explain how relieved I feel to come home and find him safe and sound, exactly as I left him. But I keep expecting to see something different. Like did he grow at all while I was gone? Did he eat something new? Do something new? Did he miss me like I missed him? Did he wonder why I was gone? Did he think I left him? Was he scared?” FC glances at me. “I kinda want to wake him up and give him a big hug. Let him know I’m home.”
Whether he should or not, I don’t know. I’m not a parent. So I give the only advice that I can. “He’s your kid; do what you want or what you think you should do.”
FC rests his gaze on Sawyer for all of five seconds before he mutters, “Fuck it,” and picks his son up. Sawyer whines for a second due to being woken up, but FC quickly soothes him. “Don’t worry, son. I’ll let you go right back to sleep in a second.” Hearing FC’s voice wakes Sawyer up even more. He lifts his head from FC’s shoulder and stares at his father.
“Hey,” FC whispers. “I missed you. Can I have some sugar?” Sawyer plants a slobbery kiss on FC and then reveals a toothy smile. “That’s my boy. Come on; let’s lay down.”
We move over into FC’s room. He lays Sawyer in the middle of the bed and then we change and get ready for bed ourselves. FC climbs into bed and Sawyer crawls onto his chest. I lie squarely on my side, watching them with a smile on my face. FC rubs Sawyer’s back, lulling him back to sleep, and then looks over at me.
He slides his arm out. “Scoot over here. I need my favorite people with me.”
Well, he doesn’t need to tell me twice. Sawyer turns his head at the movement of me coming closer. His sleepy eyes watch me warily.
“Hey, Sawyer,” I whisper.
My heart warms when he reaches out and rests his tiny little hand on my face. “Ahda.”
“Yep. That’s me.”
“The kid is breaking my heart in the best way possible,” FC says with a happy sigh.
Sawyer pulls his hand back and snuggles in closer to FC. We stay quiet, soon falling asleep.
We’re utterly exhausted after unloading all of Idaline’s things from our vehicles. Idaline swears she’ll unpack herself later. I’ll worry about actually helping her at another time. Sawyer was a champ today while we worked and I think we all deserve a celebration.
I stand with Sawyer on my hip and hold my hand out to Idaline. “May we take you out? You don’t mind if our first date includes Sawyer and happens after a hard day’s work, do you?”
Idaline smiles. She takes my hand and stands. “I would love to go on a date with you both.”
We gather Sawyer’s diaper bag, decide on where to go, and drive to the restaurant. The restaurant gets a failing grade right from the start because Sawyer needs a diaper change; there isn’t a changing table or anywhere I can change his diaper in the men’s bathroom. I’m two seconds away from simply walking into the women’s bathroom because surely they have one, but I decide maybe I should ask Idaline if she’ll do it for me.
“Back already?” Idaline asks with surprise when I return to the table.
“There’s not a changing table in the men’s room. Do you mind taking him into the women’s bathroom and changing him for me?”
Her eyes widen to the size of saucers. “I’ve never…” Her voice trails off as she shakes her head.
“It’s not hard and he behaves.”
She swallows hard, but stands. The moment she holds her hands out, Sawyer reaches for her too and goes to her. I slip the diaper bag onto her shoulder. Her eyes are full of worry, but I know she’s got this. It’s so easy. We walk to the bathroom together, as I plan to stand outside, just in case she needs me.
Idaline slips into the bathroom. It seems like she’s only in there for a minute before I hear, “FC! Oh god!” I rush into the bathroom. “Everything okay?” I ask as I hear her gag.
“No. He shit.” She gags again and I can’t help it. I bust out laughing as I walk over to the changing table. Idaline glares at me. “I thought it would just be a wet diaper. I’m not prepared for this.” She walks as far away as she can with her hand over her nose. “Why haven’t you potty trained him yet?”
“He’s only one,” I remind her as I quickly change his diaper and then wash my hands. “I didn’t realize a little shit would make you react like that,” I say with a little laugh.
Idaline glares at me. “How did that even come out of him? Is it always like that?”
I shrug, not wanting to turn her off completely from diaper changes.
Idaline gets a little more involved in other ways, though. Back at the table, while we talk, we take turns feeding Sawyer. This is a more enjoyable ta
sk for her. My heart doesn’t know what to do watching the two of them.
“I love you.” Idaline glances up at me. “And I’m extremely lucky that you’ve decided to move here. That you’re with me.” I shake my head in wonder. “I don’t know why you are, but I’m glad nonetheless.”
Idaline frowns. “You don’t know why?”
It’s not until she asks that I even realize what I said. That I meant it. That I have invisible scars in addition to my physical ones from Lila. That her voice is in the back of my mind, reminding me what a worthless, no-good man I am. Did she affect me more than I thought? Why in the fuck would I worry about being with Idaline when I never have before?
“FC?” Idaline questions softly.
I shake my head to bring myself back to the present. “You’re with me because I’m so damn handsome.” For good measure, I smile and throw in a wink.
Thankfully, Sawyer steals our attention with some of his talk and his smile. It’s hard to believe we’re here on a date, even with Sawyer. There were many times when I thought this would never happen, yet it is. My heart wants to burst with happiness. It almost seems too good to be true.
“What else do you need to do to settle in?” I ask, causing her to sigh a little.
“Aside from finding a job and unpacking, I need to find a new therapist and psychiatrist.” Idaline frowns and almost looks as if she’ll be sick. “I don’t like the idea of this at all. I’m hoping I can convince Mrs. Judith to let me do video sessions with her instead of finding someone new. A psychiatrist, I’m okay with, but not her.”
“What if she can’t? Does she have any contacts up here to recommend?”
Idaline shrugs.
“I could always be your therapist,” I say in a completely serious voice, even though I’m teasing.
She laughs and crouches a little to be eye-level with Sawyer. “Your daddy is crazy, but he makes us laugh, so it’s okay.”
Our food arrives and Sawyer would climb out of his highchair if he wasn’t strapped in. My boy is hungry and everyone in the restaurant knows as he slaps the table and shouts, “Nom! Nom! Nom!” We can’t help but laugh, especially since I essentially taught him this behavior. Idaline surprises me when she takes a little spoonful of her mashed potatoes and feeds it to him. Sawyer sits back and hums in appreciation.
Idaline may be concerned about how we’ll sew our three lives together, but she has nothing to worry about. She effortlessly weaves her way in and probably doesn’t even realize it herself. She may think nothing of feeding Sawyer some food, but she should. It’s not something she has to do. But she did and she did it without asking. To me, that shows some level of comfort. It also shows how much she already cares about Sawyer to take the initiative.
“What do you see for your future?” she asks. “You stopped answering me before and now I know why. You can answer me this time.”
I want to answer, but I also worry that maybe I might scare her. At the same time, I want to lay it all on the line. To let her know how much I love her and how important she is to me and my future. If she knows exactly how involved I want her in my future, then that’ll at least give her a glimpse at how willing I am to fight for that future with her.
With a deep breath, I level a stare at her and say, “My future looks like me working at the shop with the Murphys, you working wherever makes you happy, us eventually living in the same home with Sawyer. You being a mother figure to him.” Idaline sheds a few tears at hearing me say so. “Maybe, if it’s okay with you, he’ll eventually call you mom and you can adopt him as your own if you wish. One day, we’ll buy a house because we’ll need more room for another baby. One day, you’ll walk down the aisle during the wedding of your dreams and we’ll recite vows. And at some point, far off in the future, we’ll be old and wrinkly, sitting on our front porch in a pair of rocking chairs, talking about all of the people that go by the house. That’s my future.”
Idaline wipes away some tears, but I notice her chest moving faster than it was before. “I love you.” Her eyes shut tightly. A steady stream of air leaves her mouth.
“You okay, love?” I ask as I feed a small bite of food to Sawyer.
“I’m calming my nerves. It’s still overwhelming to think about all of that.” She opens her eyes. “But I promise I want a future with you too.”
I smile and let the subject drop. Idaline knows how best to calm her nerves and I don’t want to make things worse for her. We eat in silence before she abruptly stands, pulls me out of my side of the booth, and slides in. I reclaim my seat as she pulls her plate across the table. Idaline leans against my shoulder while she continues to eat.
“Ahda! Nom.” Idaline lifts her head as Sawyer holds out the piece of food I just gave him.
“Oh, you’re special,” I say. “He never shares his food.”
Idaline smiles, pushes his hand toward his mouth, and says, “You eat it.”
Sawyer frowns. “Ahda!” he shouts. He jabbers away, sound angry that she refused.
“I think you better eat it,” I say.
She takes the tiny piece of food from Sawyer and eats it while humming as if it’s the best thing she’s ever tasted. Sawyer’s eyes light up. And that begins a new game of sorts for Sawyer where he and Idaline take turns sharing their food. As dinner winds down, Sawyer gets cranky, ready for bed. He throws down a piece of food and reaches for me with a whine. I remove him from his seat and he snuggles against my chest with his head on my shoulder. The faster we can pay our bill and get out of here, the better.
We make it home, but not before Sawyer falls asleep and not before we’re confronted by Lila once more. She sits outside my apartment door. The moment I spot her, I pull Idaline behind me and call the cops to report her. Unfortunately, Lila spots us before I can quietly back up out of view.
“FC, wait!” She hurries to stand and rushes toward us.
“The police are on their way,” I warn her. “I don’t know how many times I have to tell you I don’t want you and that you can’t break the restraining order.”
Her eyes narrow as she stops three feet away. “Did you take your babysitter out with you?”
I don’t answer that. It’s none of her business.
She takes a step closer and reaches out as if she may touch my sleeping son. I twist until my back faces her, so Sawyer is closest to Idaline, and snarl, “Don’t you fucking dare touch him.”
“He’s my son, too.”
“Not since you gave up your rights.”
A siren can just barely be heard and that’s all it takes for Lila’s features to smooth. “Tell your slut she might as well move back to South Carolina because we’re getting back together, FC.” She brushes past us to hurry to the elevator.
She’s gone by the time the cops show up. I don’t know if we should’ve tried to keep her here, or if that would’ve looked bad for me since she was trying to leave. Then again, the only reason she wanted to leave was because the cops were coming. Next time, she won’t get a warning.
I don’t like the fact that Lila pointed out that she recognized Idaline. I don’t like that she’s here again. That she thinks she has any claim to Sawyer. It’s so difficult putting Sawyer in his bed for the night rather than holding him in my arms. It’s difficult especially considering I’m more on edge than before, which means I want to drink or smoke. Both of those aren’t an option for me. Sawyer will never smell the stench of tobacco or nicotine on me, nor will he have an alcoholic for a father.
“Will you stay here with him?” I ask Idaline, who stands in the doorway of his room.
“Where are you going?”
“I need to burn the tension away, so I’m going over to the gym. It’s on the complex, so you can call if you need me and I can be right back within minutes.” I lift my gaze from Sawyer to Idaline. “I need to do something other than sit here.”
“Okay. Do what you need to do. We’ll be here when you get back.”
I walk over and kiss her before
heading to my room to change. There’s almost a touch of resistance wrapped around my limbs. I guess part of me thinks I should stay, lean on Idaline, and be close to Sawyer. But the edginess eats away at my soul and I need to soothe it away. The quickest way to do this is by exercising.
Idaline moved to stand by my door while I was changing and she blocks my exit now that I’m done. Her eyes crinkle in worry. Her lips dip slightly in a frown.
“Will you be okay?” she asks.
“Yes.” If I’m not when I get back, I’ll make sure I am by the morning.
She steps out of the way and off I go. The gym is only two buildings over from mine in the main building where the management office is located. There are various things I do when I come here. The treadmill allows me to run until my legs feel as if they’re on the verge of cramping and losing all feeling until I collapse. The benchpress builds muscles in my arms and allows me to keep keep lifting the weights until I worry the bar will get stuck on top of my chest. There are other machines I use and use until I feel like my muscles will give out.
When I work out, I focus only on the task at hand and nothing else. I don’t try to work through my thoughts or whatever may be worrying me. The entire point is to get away from that, to loosen the tension flowing through my veins, to be too tired afterward to think about my life. I’m not sure how long I spend at the gym, but I’m nearly too tired to walk back to my apartment by the time I decide I should head back.
Halfway to my apartment, I hear a soft whispered, “FC!”
No.
No, no, no. I just spent at least an hour in the gym because of this woman. Why is she here again?
Slowly, I turn around. There, a few feet away, Lila stands with a slightly worried look on her face.
“Please give me ten minutes, FC.” What sucks is that I see the Lila I first met. The sweet girl who seemed to want nothing more than to be loved and taken care of, but apparently has a serious dark and evil side hidden beneath the surface. What sucks even more is that I see that side of her and I still feel like I owe something to her. Like she deserves to be heard, that she deserves my time, because maybe, just maybe, there’s a tiny heart inside that chest of hers. I know better than that, yet I still find myself nodding my head.
Light in the Dark Page 5