“Here,” I took hold of Cassie’s hand, pleased to have an excuse to do so even when I knew I should be focusing on my investigation. She allowed me to curl her fingers smoothly into a fist until only her index finger was pointing out, then I drew her arm outward and leaned my head against her shoulder to trace the correct line of sight. Investigating is fun, I smirked, keeping hold of her hand and guiding it along the distant boundary line.
“Just above the domes, you can see it’s a little darker…” I spoke slowly, half through concentration, half to conceal the thrill I felt at being close to her.
Cassie seemed to barely breathe as I moved her arm around and I wondered if this was because my behaviour was making her uncomfortable. Just as this thought was penetrating my mind she exclaimed “oh yes,” loudly in my ear and made me jump. She’d obviously seen the Married Quarter. The thick atmosphere that had been growing between us disappeared with her words, and although Cassie didn’t seem uncomfortable now, I dropped her hand and pulled my head away from her.
“It blocks the whole area,” she noted, sounding confused. “I didn’t think it would be that big.”
“It is big,” I agreed, distracted once more by the confusing mixture of emotions and thoughts I found myself filling up with. I was only half listening as Cassie continued speaking, until I realised what she was saying.
“I don’t suppose I’d really given it that much thought… But, I suppose given the number of people in the station in the Family Quarter and everything, there must be – what –a few hundred couples in there at any one time? I wonder if it’s a similar layout to this Quarter…”
My back went rigid as I realised that, without meaning to, Cassie had stumbled onto one of my most problematic observations about the Married Quarter. Her words trailed to an end as I pulled away from her, staring at the grey walls in the distance.
“What’s wrong?”
I could feel her eyes on my face, but could not look at her. “Nothing,” I murmured. My own thoughts and irritations blurring in my mind. Cassie’s simple – if unrealistic – comments about the size of the Married Quarter had made me angry. Not with her, but with the hidden system we lived within. I hated living in a world built upon lies.
That was not Cassie’s fault though, was it? I had brought her here to test our friendship hadn’t I? I wanted to see how she would react to the real me. So, why wait any longer… If she had information that would be useful to me, now was the time to find out. I took a deep, steadying breath.
“I tried to do the calculations, you know?” I began slowly, unsure if this was the right way to start. “I did them to try and work out how many people might be in the Married Quarter…”
How could I say this without sounding like a madman?
“And…?” Cassie prompted, when my words faltered.
“I couldn’t get the figures to make sense.”
“What did they show?”
The answer had been trapped inside me for so long. With no one to trust or talk to about this, I’d held it close as one of the many lies we were being told. Now Cassie was sat here, asking me to tell her. It’s what I wanted – and it would test our friendship – so the truth began pouring out.
“It was simple really…when I realised it, I couldn’t work out how I hadn’t seen it before. It’s so obvious!” I knew I sounded angry and so I sucked in a deep breath in the hope of calming my voice. Maybe it would be better if I got Cassie to work it out, instead of simply telling her. “You know the population of the station remains pretty much constant because of the one-child policy?”
Cassie nodded, yes.
“How can that possibly work?” I watched as she considered my question.
“I don’t know what you mean,” Cassie replied eventually, shaking her head.
“What I mean is: how can the population levels remain static if every two people here can only have one child?” I explained with another question, trying to make my thought process clear. Cassie’s eyes held mind as I saw her playing through the logic behind my statement.
“How can that be right?” Her words were more exclamation than question and I knew she understood what I did. She pressed on, answering her own query as she spoke. “If for every two people who leave here for the Married Quarter, only one replaces them when they returned to the Family Quarter, the population would be decreasing over time, wouldn’t it?”
Her bright eyes widened with the shock of realisation. It was basic mathematics – although no one else ever seemed to notice the anomaly that the population remained the same, even though there should only be half the number of people returning as left.
“It isn’t right,” I said. “If it is true that the population has to remain static due to resource limitations, and the one-child policy is enforced, then the system as I understand it does not add up. It’s not logical.”
Logic.
No matter how many times I looked at it, I could not make sense of our unchanging system, that had at it’s heart, the principle that two become one. Hell, no one even seemed to notice the eerie symmetry of our classes at school! Every year group was matched evenly, five boys and five girls. Year after year – the pattern repeated across the Family Quarter. That was no coincidence, and if it was a necessity for survival, then why wasn’t it explained to us, as part of our future on the space station?
I had been hiding this for so long, even speaking about it now was difficult. Hatred seeped into words I shared.
“There must be some explanation…” Cassie said.
“Such as?” I spat back, blocking Cassie’s half-formed question.
I knew I was being belligerent, but for some reason I couldn’t stop myself. She was just trying to rationalise what she’d learned, but I didn’t want to hear it. I had looked at this issue from every angle possible. There was no explanation that fitted with the world of the space station as we were expected to believe it worked.
Maybe I was angry because Cassie was supposed to have the answers. Wasn’t she the one that Scarlett had been so focused on: before she died, and again just as she disappeared into the Married Quarter?
Why had Scarlett been so determined that Cassie had answers?
I shook my head, realising that I’d changed my life over a couple of strange events. Scarlett had put me on a path to Cassie for answers, when I hadn’t even got questions. She had sent me searching for them, hadn’t she?
None of this was Cassie’s responsibility, but I admired the fact that she didn’t back down, even though I had cut her off, sounding like an arrogant fool. She began firing her own questions and suggestions back at me, continuing even when I tossed them aside.
“Maybe there are more a lot more people already in the Married Quarter waiting to have children and so it balances out?”
“If that were the case, there would still only be a decreasing population,” I dismissed.
“Unless there were more people in there to start with…?”
“But where would they have come from?” I countered. We’re fifth generation descendents now – surely any spares would have been worked out of the system by now.
“Maybe it hasn’t always been a one-child policy?”
There was possibility behind this suggestion. “Perhaps,” I allowed, with a shrug. “If that’s the case we must be close to hitting a point where they would allow more than one child in order to maintain the population.”
“Perhaps,” Cassie echoed my words now. And I caught a flash of anger in the set of her mouth as she fired back her own question: “you don’t know that The Council won’t do that though, do you?”
Cassie was no pushover. I tilted my head in a small nod, admiring the speed with which she’d taken onboard my suggestion and come back at me with answers. With her school friends I’d only ever seen Cassie try to fit in: not saying anything contentious. She always seemed to be trying to hide her obvious intelligence. I didn’t know why, but I think I liked the fact that I’d made her a litt
le angry, made her tell me the truth.
I offered a final observation in response to Cassie’s open-ended question. “They’d have to provide some new facilities at The Clinic, as they don’t cater for maternity care at the moment, or hadn’t you noticed?” It definitely made her angry.
“Is that why you brought me here?” Her green eyes focused fiercely on mine.
I looked away. No. This wasn’t what I wanted and I knew it.
Cassie’s answers intrigued me, definitely. The fact that some of the strangest things that had happened to me, might be connected to her, meant that I couldn’t stay away. But, the reason we were here – beyond all my other interests and pretences – was because I was falling in love with her. And now I was ruining whatever chance I had of making Cassie like me.
“I’m sorry, you’re right. You don’t want to hear the crazy things I think about.” My attempt at smile disintegrated into a pained grimace and so I let it fall away. I didn’t want to come off being angry AND creepy, although it was probably already too late for that.
“That’s not entirely true, it just felt like you wanted more of an argument with someone than to talk. I actually do like the strange things you come out with, crazy as you sometimes seem – you ask me stuff that makes me think.”
My eyes found hers again. She was echoing exactly what I’d been thinking only a few moments earlier: Cassie was different when we were together. And it sounded as though she liked different.
“Ask me something else!”
She was grinning now. I knew she was teasing me a little, but I couldn’t help but be tempted. I spent so much of my time trying to work out what was going on in her head that an open invitation was very appealing.
“Please?” she coaxed.
“OK, you win!” I gave in to her mock-grovelling. “Another question…but nothing too hard. I don’t think you’re up to it to be honest.”
“True. I think the placement is taking up whatever brain space I had left.”
“Ah yes, the placement…” It was a good subject choice for a diversion and maybe learning something new. “How’re you finding that now?”
“Better, although, I think I’ll still get sent to engineering next – I’m not a natural Medic, but can handle the research stuff without too much difficulty. What about you?”
“Its fine – but I like science, so it’s a good match for me.”
“You’re great at astro-engineering too. They’ll probably want you there as well after you’ve done a placement with them.” Cassie observed.
“Perhaps.” I had no intention of staying where they put me and hoped to be out before then, anyway. “You’ll be doing the engineering placement too,” I reminded her. “You might have a choice as well.”
Cassie scoffed at my suggestion. “I’m sure they’ll have better placement candidates than me – I wouldn’t make a good engineer!”
Maybe she had other reasons now for wanting to get placed as a Medic instead of trying the Engineering rotation?
The more time we spent together, the more I became confident that she liked me and – whatever our relationship was – seemed different to her friendships at school. Or was that wishful thinking on my part? Cassie certainly got on well with Joel and I had no doubt that he liked her. Was their friendship any different to whatever it was that Cassie and I had?
“I just hope I get placed at The Clinic and don’t end up being pushed around the space station trying to find anything that suits me.”
I was so busy turning over my own thoughts that I almost missed what she said, but not quite. It sounded as though she actually believed she would struggle to find a role for herself on the station. How could she not see that she was smart enough to fit in wherever she wanted to?
Smart isn’t everything, is it?
The little voice inside me niggled. It was right: I was smart enough to fit in to most roles on the space station, but that didn’t mean I could. I was too different, wasn’t I?
I stared at Cassie, without meaning to. Wondering whether she was more like me than I imagined: she didn’t know how exactly to fit in. “You’ll get placed at The Clinic, if that’s what you want,” I told her, hoping to give her some of the assurance that I couldn’t offer to myself. “Father said you were a natural dealing with the children in the fractures ward; they really took to you.”
Cassie’s cheeks blossomed pinky-red: embarrassed by the compliment. I couldn’t help but laugh; she was such an odd combination of soft and tough I didn’t quite know how she would react to anything. “You’re quite modest aren’t you? It’s surprising really, as from a distance I would have expected you to be…different.”
“Different?” she repeated, her tone abruptly suspicious. “Different how…?”
“It doesn’t matter,” I waved away the question, sensing that if I answered it could be problematic for both of us. It was odd though, how particularly she reacted to that one word: different. What was so bad about being different?
I cast around for a change of subject. “How are you getting along with your partner?”
“Joel?” Cassie appeared surprised.
I nodded.
“Fine, he’s good company,” she shrugged, dismissing her own words as she so often did. “He’s just like the guys from school really.”
What did her shrug mean?
Was Joel just one of her friends, like the others at school – or was she dismissing something more serious behind her simple answer? And why were so many questions hammering my head over a simple four-word sentence?
Because you’re crazy?
Probably.
He’s like the guys from school…“You mean like Matthew and Callum? Do you see them much now that we’re all on placement?”
“Erm…not really.”
Cassie was frowning at me, perhaps wondering where the questions were leading. “I saw Patrick and Ami a few days ago. I’ve not actually seen many people from school. They all seem busy with their own placements. Have you seen anyone?”
I ignored the question directed at me. Cassie knew well enough that I would have no reason for seeing anyone from school. “So, you’ve mainly been spending time with Joel then?” I asked.
“I think I’ve seen you more in the past week than anyone from school or from our placement.”
She was definitely cross with me – perhaps for ignoring her question – but I couldn’t help smiling at her actual words. She’d been with me more than anyone else. I felt the familiar surge inside my rib cage and so I didn’t mind that she still sounded mad when she carried on speaking.
“You know that you don’t get a huge amount of time to talk during the placements once you’re working. Joel and I don’t get chance to have that much to do with each other.”
If – just once – Olivia put working before talking, it would be a peaceful day for me! “Oh, I don’t know, Olivia certainly manages to talk a lot,” I smiled, but shook my head at the same time.
“I had noticed,” Cassie smiled back. “Olivia does seem to like talking to you particularly, though.”
Was there an edge to her words? I wasn’t sure. But, it was a big leap from wondering if Cassie liked me, to thinking she was jealous of Olivia.
Get over yourself! You’re not that special. I looked away from her joking smile now, uncomfortable as a warm burn rose on my own cheeks.
I might not be special, but for a while now I had been trying to ignore the idea that perhaps Olivia was interested in me in a particular way. If Cassie had noticed it too, then perhaps it was true.
“You can’t tell me that you hadn’t noticed that?”
Cassie’s question echoed my own thoughts, making me feel guiltier than ever. I really disliked Olivia, which made me feel awful if she did like me.
“I…well…” I had nothing to offer – too consumed with imagining how painful it would be for me if I was in Olivia’s position…if the girl I thought I loved, disliked pretty much everything about me.
One moment we were sitting next to each other, whilst I stewed over what an awful person I was, the next Cassie was on her feet, jumping away from me. “It doesn’t matter – I’m sorry I shouldn’t have said that – you don’t have to answer.”
I stayed where I was, trying to work out what had happened in the last few seconds to make Cassie jump around like a scared rabbit. Surely, she couldn’t know how much I disliked Olivia? I kept it well hidden, on the whole.
The silence stretched between us, until I realised that there was only one thing I could do. Olivia didn’t matter; she wasn’t here. But we were, and if I wanted to find out where I stood with Cassie, there was only one way I could think of to find out.
Quietly, I got to my feet. Cassie made no movement to indicate she had heard me: she remained frozen in place, staring out at the Family Quarter spread beneath us, her back to me. With silent steps I moved towards her, feeling nervous and bold in equal measure.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” I whispered into her ear, moving in close behind. As nerves took hold I drew in a deep, ragged breath to steady my thumping heartbeat. I thought I felt Cassie shiver beside me – as if she was nervous too – but perhaps I imagined it. “I don’t like Olivia in the way I sometimes think that she likes me.” I wanted Cassie to hear more in my confession than I could actually say out loud. “I thought that perhaps you might have figured that out…”
“Figured out what?” Cassie whispered back.
Her words gave me the push I needed. My hands reached forwards, finding the softness of her wrists before sliding upwards to take hold of her arms. I felt static prickling my palms where my skin touched hers, as though the nerves coursing through my body had become electric. Beneath my hands, I felt Cassie tremble, but she didn’t pull away from me.
“I know, you know,” I murmured into her neck, allowing my lips the freedom to caress her ear lobe, as I spoke. A lovely light citrus fragrance lingered in the dark strands of Cassie’s hair and I laughed softly to myself, recognising but not caring about my failure to maintain any kind of distance or control around this young woman. I was so easily distracted by Cassie, if I didn’t focus on what I was doing, I imagined I could find myself getting lost in the smallest features of her body... “Are you going to make me say it?” I whispered finally, unable to disguise the smile in my voice.
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