Most of the time, it was just my brain – floating alone through the emptiness – nothing more.
* * *
From nowhere the pain returned. It was immediate and overwhelming, as though every nerve in my body had suddenly been switched on and overloaded. My heart was beating wildly, thumping my chest as though it was about to explode. My limbs – once forgotten – now thrashed outwards, muscles twitching in spasm.
What was happening? Was this what it felt like to die?
It was as though every part of my body had simultaneously decided to come alive and fight…then my eyes opened. At first I saw nothing: my vision was grainy – black and white – and the images I picked out appeared far away, as though I was staring down a long tunnel at them. There was nothing familiar to focus on and much of my sight was filled by darkness. As I looked, only a small circle in the middle became clear.
There was a figure close to me. As I was absorbing this information, I realised that I could feel their weight on my body: they were holding my limbs down as I jerked. Long hair covered the face of the mystery person, but I recognised the dark suit she was wearing: it was a Medic. With my muscles bursting beneath my skin, I was already close to knocking her off me. As consciousness returned, I wondered if maybe I could try and push her off completely…perhaps she would be weaker than the men.
With some effort I concentrated on my arms. It was difficult to focus and none of my limbs responded the way I expected, despite their obvious energy. Just as I was about to try and throw her off, the woman turned and I saw her face.
“Cassie?” Her name crossed my lips before I could stop myself.
Was this another dream, or had I been right before: I was dying…?
She couldn’t really be here, could she? The last scraps of reason in my head told me that seeing Cassie was impossible. Everything else told me that this was more real than any of the previous delusions I’d dragged from my memory. The weight of Cassie’s body pressed gently onto mine, I felt warmth through our clothes as she held me, and when she turned as I spoke, I saw her eyes: alive and bright as ever.
Before Cassie could disappear again, I gripped onto her tightly, pulling her to me as I tried to sit up. Closing my eyes I buried my face in her hair and inhaled the familiar scent. “I don’t believe you’re here…tell me this is real,” I whispered into her neck, my throat burning from speaking. Perhaps this really was death: only the best things left, none of the pain…but it felt so normal as well, Cassie’s body moulded to mine just as it always did. “This feels real, please tell me it’s real this time?”
The illusion in my arms squeezed me back. “I’m here…this is real,” she whispered, sealing her words with a kiss. Placing her hands against my face, she drew me closer. She was here.
Words poured out, confused and muddled without me thinking about them. “They were looking for you – wanted me to tell them – but I didn’t…I think I managed to hide my thoughts, even when they – ” I choked to a stop when my words suddenly dried up. Then silent sobs began rocking me, as I remained locked inside Cassie’s arms.
Forcing my eyes open, blinking away the waterless tears I tried to get control of myself. And that’s when I saw him: one of them standing just a few feet away from us, his eyes fixed on Cassie.
“NO!” I screamed, pushing her away from me, trying to put myself between them. My co-ordination was off and Cassie fell awkwardly to the floor, but I managed to get in the middle all the same. Hatred and rage fuelled me, dispelling the lingering exhaustion. My vision was still distorted, but it was good enough to provide me with a target, and so I lunged.
“NO, BALIK!”
Cassie shouted from the floor and I felt her move to stop me. I thought I was fast enough, but at the last second she grabbed my arm and yanked me back. My first thought was that she was trying to protect me, then I registered the expression on her face: she trusted this creature.
“No, not you…” I shook my head, trying to dispel the thought that Cassie was one of them. A long time ago I had wondered if she was part of space station system, but I’d convinced myself that wasn’t true… Had I been wrong?
“I’m fine Balik – I’m me!” She cried, her hand gripping mine tightly and pulling me to face her. “The man – he’s not what you think – ”
“He’s one of them!”
“Yes,” she agreed, “but he’s helping us.”
Helping us? That was impossible. Whatever stimulant had been in my system was fading fast and I just couldn’t connect my thoughts with any coherence. I looked from Cassie to the man and back, registering only that he looked familiar, before confusion set in.
“I can’t explain now,” Cassie urged, drawing me back to her to and taking hold of my other hand. “But you have to believe me, because others are coming! We have no time.”
I was drifting, even as I fought against the draw of the darkness. Blinking rapidly I tried to shove away the fatigue that was gripping me. Cassie was still talking to the man. I watched them without seeing, letting the words wash over me – fuzzy and indistinct sounds – not absorbing what they were saying.
“How do we get out of here?”
“I can put you in a Disposal Unit.”
There was warmth on my cheek, turning my head. I opened my eyes – not realising that they had closed – and found Cassie’s face close to mine.
“How much pain are you in?” she asked.
“Not much,” I lied. It would have been easier to list what wasn’t hurting.
The man reappeared at Cassie’s shoulder and I pulled away, not wanting to be near him. “You might need these,” he said, holding out a tray towards Cassie. When she let go of me with one hand to take it, he touched her arm, turning her towards a door at the back of the room. “We need to go now.”
Resting heavily on Cassie, she half-dragged, half-carried me from the room. My eyes closed repeatedly, and I found it would be a while before I actually realised they were shut and forced them open again. It was obvious, even to me, that I was fading fast.
“Who…?” I mumbled, trying to speak around the fur that lined my mouth and choked my words into silence. I swallowed and tried again.
“Why’s ‘e ‘elping us?” I slurred, leaning close to Cassie’s ear.
“Later,” she promised, lifting my arm higher on her shoulder and pulling me onwards.
My limbs remained limp and I swayed with each step, like a walking piece of rubber. Every movement brought pain, but amidst that something triggered the muscle memory of putting one foot in front of the other in order to walk. I blinked slowly and each time the world swam around me in hazy ripples, light then dark.
The rooms we passed through made no impression on me. Perhaps my eyes were closed and I only registered the change of location because I knew I was walking…
My knees hit the ground. Hard. I collapsed onto my side with a groan, then Cassie’s arms closed around me and she dragged me to my feet. There was a soft whooshing noise and I felt air move in front of my face. A new room, I guessed fuzzily. Opening my eyes, I saw a white space and the outline of a chair. Cassie eased me forwards and I took the last few steps alone, dropping heavily into the seat and automatically pulling the restraint across my waist, locking it into place. How my fingers found the lock when I could barely feel them was a miracle.
I heard Cassie and the man talking once more, but none of the words registered at all. There was some movement behind me: clunks and shuffling as something was moved around. It was just noise. My head throbbed at the smallest movement and in an effort to keep it attached to my body I leaned forward and rested it on my chest. All I want to do is lie down and…and…
Chapter 24
After I’m not sure how long, I woke up. For a long while there had been only darkness and nothing: no dreams, no voices…just endless nothing. Now there was light. My eyes were still closed, but I could feel the light through my lids. I wasn’t ready to open them yet and so I listened inst
ead.
It was quiet. But, it was a type of quiet that told me I was alive, in a physical place with things happening around me. I heard the soft hiss of an air processor and the muted regular beep of some type of computer system. Beneath those sounds was another, deeper thrumming noise: constant and droning, but also at a distance.
My head was foggy. However, as I lay immobile, I realised for the first time in a long while that I wasn’t in pain. Dull aches in my fingers and chest told me that I still had injuries – I was definitely not perfect – but at the same time, I knew that I was much better than I had been.
With a huge effort I forced my eyes open. It felt like they had been glued shut. As soon as the light hit me, I had to close them again: after the blissful darkness it was too much.
Seeing would have to wait and so I began trying to piece together my memories of the past few hours…days…it was difficult to be specific. I started working backwards from the last things I could remember.
The final thing before the darkness fell: Cassie had been with me. Somehow – I have no idea how it was possible – but she had made it through everything and found me! Even through the disorientation, I knew she had been with me: I had a vague sense of being sat beside her with my eyes closed. Something must have happened after that, because I was laid down now…I strained to think of what had changed my situation, but there was just…nothing. I continued going backwards.
Before the memory of sitting beside Cassie, we had been walking – through brightly lit rooms – but hard as I tried, I could picture nothing specific in them. It was as though I hadn’t actually seen them, even though I’d been there.
It was no use. My mind was still too clouded to think clearly and my thoughts kept jumping around, not making sense. I returned to trying to open my eyes. Very slowly, with lots of blinking, I managed to force one eye open. I was squinting for a long time, not really seeing much except yellow light and my eyelashes. Then finally, I began to focus.
I was laid in a narrow bunk. Above me – not far from my face – was the top of the bunk. It was made of a familiar cream-coloured plastic. And the sight of it made me panic.
Tilting my head to the side, I was able to make out more creamy-white shapes: a bench, chairs, and some darker shapes, like cupboards, across from my bunk. Close to me, on the floor, was a mobile monitoring unit. It was switched on, beeping away to itself and, as my eyes traced the cables, I realised that they were attached to me. The wires disappeared beneath the sheet covering me, presumably attached to my chest. From the looks of it, my vital signs were pretty good, all things considered.
Scattered around the mini-monitor were a random assortment of medical supplies. Some were used, haphazardly discarded on the floor; others were clean and new in their packets, waiting for use. And there, amidst the chaos was Cassie.
She was lay on her side facing me: her hands clamped beneath her head as a makeshift pillow, her breathing soft and peaceful. Beside her was a flask of water and I could see faint lines around her mouth where spilled drops had dried on her face. Even though she was sleeping, Cassie looked exhausted: grey shadows were smudged beneath her eyes, while her face looked pinched and drawn.
I wanted to reach out to her, hold her hand or brush my fingers through her hair, but my body was uncooperative and so I had to settle with watching her sleep. After the previous days – eternity – without her, just being able to do this was more than I had hoped for. I have no idea when it was that I closed my eyes, because all I saw in my dreams was Cassie sleeping beside me.
* * *
I regained consciousness several times for short periods before I awoke fully. During those little gaps the only thing I really took notice of was that Cassie was still with me. At first she had been lay beside me on the floor every time I opened my eyes, but when I woke this time, I found that she had moved to a chair nearby and furnished herself with a pillow and blanket from somewhere. Though my eyes were still weak, I could tell she was looking better: her cheeks held some colour now, and the shadows beneath her eyes were less deep.
A glance at the monitor beside me confirmed that over twenty hours had passed since I first woke and looked at it. It also told me that my vitals were almost normal. One of the indicators reported that I was a little dehydrated. Absorbing this information, for the first time I noticed a drip running into my right hand, which must have been helping my condition. The bag attached to the other end, hung above my head on the bunk and appeared to be half full, so I was good on that front for a while longer.
I was lying on my left side. It wasn’t comfortable, but I wasn’t confident in my ability to either move myself onto my back, or even if I could, whether that would be any kind of improvement. The return of conscious thought brought me other knowledge about my body that I’d been immune to during sleep. Sensation had returned to several areas that up until now I had no feeling in. That wasn’t necessarily a good thing…
The fingers on my left hand burned dully and brought back to me the memory of when they had been broken: snapped one after another like twigs, whilst I screamed out in pain. My chest felt uncomfortably tight and I discovered a securely wound bandage compressing my ribcage – which must have been Cassie’s doing. It was the best treatment for the broken ribs I knew I had.
I lay still for a long while and enjoyed simply being lucid. The distorted and confused mass of images and thoughts from the past days still tumbled through my head, but for the moment I could not face re-living my time outside the Family Quarter. Instead I tried to remember what had happened with Cassie from when she had appeared…but I found it hard to discern real Cassie from the imaginary ones I had surrounded myself with when I was alone and so I stopped trying to do that as well.
Cassie was still asleep.
My neck and throat were very painful – probably the worst of everything I could feel. At first I wondered if it might be the after effects of dehydration, although flashes of a memory made me think it was something more…It was dark, but I remembered a weight on my chest, pressing me into the ground so that I couldn’t escape. Something gripping me around the neck, squeezing away my voice…squeezing the air from my body…squeezing the life out of me… Remembering this made my empty stomach lurch and so I pushed the memory away quickly.
Focus on the physical.
If I didn’t do this, everything I thought of would end up dragging me back to places I did not want to go.
With small tentative movements, I began testing my strength and mobility. My left hand was a no-go area and concentrating on it now, I found that there were splints on each of my fingers. Another job that Cassie had done well, I smiled as I recalled how many times she had unnecessarily doubted her skills as a Medic. That felt like it had happened a lifetime ago – to a different person.
Examining the splints I saw that each of the fingers had been realigned and, given the trauma they had been through, I imagined that Cassie must have used some form of local anaesthetic in my hand to control the pain, as it was still limited to a muted ache. A damp package, loosely bandaged on top of my hand told me that she’d also found an ice pack…
How had Cassie got all this stuff? It seemed astonishingly lucky.
BEEP – BEEP – BEEP
A loud wailing noise startled me from my deliberations and looking around – as much as I could with the limited movement my neck seemed to have – I saw a timer alarm flashing on the console beside Cassie, where she was sleeping in the chair. It must have been something she’d set for herself, but as I watched her, she seemed to struggle to wake up. Her sluggishness panicked me: was there something wrong with her? I had been so focused on my own injuries, I’d not even bothered to check Cassie, I just assumed she was OK.
Cassie needed me!
I tried to lever myself from the bunk using my right arm as a prop. Moving was so painful, but fear was controlling me now. My muscles were weak and uncooperative, but I was almost sat up…that’s when the alarm stopped.
&
nbsp; Cassie was moving – slowly still – but she was moving. I flopped back with relief, marvelling at the small gap between my head and the pillow as I dropped: it was completely disproportionate to the mammoth effort it had taken me to lift myself the same distance in the first place.
Returned to a reasonably comfortable position I was better able to focus on Cassie. After switching off the alarm, she settled back into her chair resting her head on the pillow. I watched as she sighed once and then forced her eyes open. She tutted – at an unknown irritation – as she blinked over and over again until her eyes apparently became accustomed to the dim light in the cabin.
“Hey, sleepy head...” I whispered.
Even though I spoke as gently as I could, not wanting to startle her, the basic action of air passing inside my throat set it ablaze. I swallowed but it didn’t help.
Cassie’s eyes snapped towards the bunk, widening in surprise as she saw me. Immediately she tried to move, but her body was tangled inside the blanket she’d been asleep under a few seconds earlier.
“No. Don’t move. I’m fine.” I told her, hoping that it would stop her struggling.
Her movements stopped and she rasied her head slowly to stare back at me. “Are you really?” she whispered, her voice cracking over the three small words.
I nodded once and her face crumpled.
“Don’t cry, please Cassie, don’t cry.” I tried to sound strong, though my voice cracked. My right arm automatically began pushing me upwards again, I wanted to reach out and wrap her in my arms. “I’m OK. We made it.”
She nodded, but the silent tears continued tumbling down her cheeks and I couldn’t hold back any longer. Shoving as hard as I could, I pushed myself a little higher in the bunk, despite the protesting of my ribs and chest.
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