by Kelli Walker
Nope. No, thanks. You can kiss that shit goodbye.
A massive yawn peeled from my lips, raising tears to my eyes. All I wanted to do was lay back on my bed and stare at the ceiling, and I figured a few minutes wouldn’t hurt. If Kevin needed me, he’d come get me.
I sighed and closed my eyes before work started to rattle my brain. My job was to essentially dig politicians out of their bullshit scandals and fix their media personas. I pick them apart, I write them a script, and they pay me a shitton of money to keep me on retainer for the next time it happens. I controlled everything once they fucked up, and I loved it. But, it’s also why election year was such a scramble. All these politicians that kept me on retainer would come out of the woodworks and want me to write their scripts or go over their campaigns or help them through scandals that were already being brought to light.
It was both the most lucrative and most exhausting part of my career.
These vacations we all took were godsends. We took three of them every year. We would all get on a conference call after recuperating from our New Year’s parties, we’d schedule out a spring, summer, and winter vacation time, then we’d all show up. We all made it a point to leave work behind, and we were only allowed one electronic on the island in order to help us with work should there ever be an emergency.
Kevin’s go-to was always his laptop and my go-to was always my phone.
This vacation had been a blast up until this point. The first night we were all together, the three of us girls-- myself, Brit, and Maddie-- hopped a boat to the mainland and went shopping. We came back with all sorts of treats and goodies for ourselves, like decadent wines and fine chocolates, and we spent the rest of the evening chatting in Maddie’s room.
Then, the men took a day to themselves the next day, which meant the three of us girls then had the house to ourselves. We cooked an awesome lunch, took it out to the beach shore of the island, and just listened to the cool waves bash against the shoreline. We wrapped ourselves in sweaters and blankets just so we could visit the wintertime ocean.
It was nice, sitting with a group of girls I knew I could trust and just existing.
And of course, the boys came back with this brilliant party plan, with Kevin at the helm of the decorations and appetizers. It had been quite some time since they’d planned a party, and I knew from the moment Kevin started talking about the theme that it was going to get out of control.
Now, we were looking at shelling out at least $10,000 dollars to have all the furniture in this house cleaned, and I wasn’t sitting on an inch of it until it was.
Just then, my phone vibrated on the floor. I groaned, knowing damn good and well something at work had just fucked up royally, and for a split second I debated on letting it go to voicemail. But, my curiosity got the better of me, and suddenly I wanted to know what Senator had now been caught with his dick in someone that wasn’t his wife.
However, when I saw it was my mother, my blood ran cold.
“Mom?” I asked.
“Sweetheart,” she said coolly, “you need to come home.”
“What’s happened?” I asked. “Where’s dad?”
“Your father has passed.”
In that very moment, I felt the breath from my lungs flee my body. Every single cell in my body fell prey to the cold, cruel reality of what my mother had to nonchalantly told me, and the phone dropped to the floor.
I scrambled for it, double-checking the number to make sure all this was happening before I put the phone back to my ear.
“Tina?” my mother asked.
“Yes?”
“Did you hear me? Your father has passed. I swear, the reception on that island can be-”
“I heard you, mother,” I said. “When did it happen?”
“A few minutes ago. I’m still holding his hand.”
“How the-”
I pinched the bridge of my nose and tried to tell myself that this was only my mother. She had always been cold and distant, and when things got emotionally hard it only heightened that emotional distance. For as long as I could remember, she had been that way, and it was simply how she got through her life.
I couldn’t blame her, even though my anger was raging out of control.
“I need your help with the funeral arrangements. Your father doesn’t want me planning the entire thing,” she said.
“I’ll be on the next plane home. I won’t be getting in until late tomorrow, though. Will you be alright until then?” I asked.
“Oh, I will be just fine,” she sighed. “Should I pick you up somewhere? Or is Kevin coming with you?”
I stopped and allowed her question to sink in. Was Kevin coming with me? Surely he would insist on coming if he knew what had just happened. But, was this something I wanted to open him back up to? Him and my mother didn’t have a good relationship when we were dating in college. Was that something I really wanted to deal with now? Volleying between the two of them while planning my father’s funeral?
No. No, it wasn’t.
“No, he’s not. Maddie might be with me, but Kevin won’t be.”
“I suppose that’s for the best. See you tomorrow evening. Shall I have a late dinner prepared?”
“Have you even cried yet, mom?” I asked.
But, all she did was sigh.
“See you tomorrow evening.”
She hung up the phone and I immediately began packing. I pulled open all the drawers and tossed everything onto the bed. I pulled my suitcase out from the closet, tossed it onto the bed, and began stuffing everything in. What I couldn’t fit I could always come back for, and something told me I would be back on this island before our group’s next planned vacation anyway.
I told my father I’d bring him to this island one day and never did…
“Daddy,” I breathed.
I felt my chest heaving as tears poured down my face. My hands began to shake and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I ran into the bathroom, gathering all my toiletries before I ran them back to the suitcase, and I threw them on top of my clothes before I went for my shoes. I shoved as many of them as I could get before casting aside the ones that weren’t necessary, and I zipped my bag up before I leaned over on top of it and sobbed.
My daddy was gone.
Just… just gone.
I felt my nightgown flutter around my ankles and realized I couldn’t go home like this. My mother would throw a fit if she knew I flew halfway across the world in nothing but my pajamas, and I wasn’t ready to deal with one of her cold-hearted fits. She had this cool way of talking down her nose at you while she berated you for something she didn’t approve of, whether or not her opinion was asked for.
And trust me. Usually, it was never asked for.
I strode over to the dresser and ripped my nightgown over my head. I tossed it onto the floor before I stuck my legs into a pair of jeans, and I pulled a sweater over my head before I searched for a pair of flats. I ran around the room, my eyes searching for a matching pair of shoes my mother would keep her mouth shut on, and as I careened around the bed I smashed my pinky toe against the banister.
“Holy… fuck!”
The pain was blinding. It took my to my knees while the whole of my body trembled, and my toe immediately turned black and blue. Of course I’d break my toe trying to find a pair of shoes suitable enough for my mother. Of course this would happen. Of course my father would die while I was on a vacation, being selfish and never bringing him to the island his daughter had purchased.
Of course I would have to board a plane at three in the morning before digesting for seventeen hours the fact that there was now no buffer between my mother’s cold demeanor and my unwillingness to interact with it. Of course the only person I’d modeled my life after would now be the person I’m burying.
In the wintertime.
Before Christmas.
All at once, I felt everything bubble up to the surface. I ran my fingertips through my tangled hair and felt my jaw unhinge
on my face. An unearthly sound peeled from my throat, shaking my entire ribcage and shattering my vocal cords. I shrieked and cried while my tears flooded down my neck. I pulled at my hair and shook with my anger, screaming until I’d completely run out of breath.
I was so lightheaded from the sheer force of my emotional breakdown that I tumbled into the footboard of my bed.
Head first.
The party was bullshit, this election year was insanity, and Daddy was dead.
My beautiful, vibrant, resourceful father… was gone.
Chapter 32
Kevin
I took the stairs two by two and burst into Tina’s room. I found her on the floor, sobbing with her face in her hands. For a split second, I was frozen in terror. In the fifteen years I’d known Tina, never in my life had I ever seen her cry. She was the epitome of emotional strength. People looked up to her for the way she could compartmentalize and deal with tragedies at the drop of a hat without so much as blinking an eye. For every problem, she had a solution, and for every ounce of bullshit that was thrown her way, she had a smart quip before she could rope it back into place.
She had been my rock time and time again in my life, and now she was sobbing into the carpet on her floor.
I was ripped from my trance by her second shriek, and I rushed over to her and scooped her off the floor. I sat us on the edge of our bed while she buried herself into my chest, her hands grasping for any piece of fabric on my body. Her cheek soaked my bare chest while her snot dripped down my abdomen, and the only thing I could think of that would cause this type of reaction made my stomach drop to my knees.
“Tina, what happened to your father?” I asked.
Her body was trembling. No matter how close I held her, she simply got more and more hysterical. I peppered the top of her head with kisses, trying desperately to soothe her with my warming voice. Time and time again, Tina had told me the most soothing thing about me was the way I spoke lowly in her ear.
I trying to leverage anything I could in order to get her to calm down.
“I’m right here, Tee,” I said deep into her ear. “Just take a few deep breaths for me, alright?”
She tried to suck in some air through her nose, but all she did was joke on her own snot. She coughed and coughed, retching into my lap as she heaved for air. Her body was completely out of control and I had absolutely no idea what to do.
The woman who had always been there for me-- who always knew what to do in times of emergency and stress-- and I had no idea how to help her.
“My daddy’s-”
I clenched my jaw before I peppered her forehead with kisses. I knew what was coming, and even I couldn’t believe it. I wasn’t ready to convince myself that her father had died. That man had been her emotional relief-- the person who provided a buffer between her and her mother.
I wasn’t ready to think about the consequences that would manifest now that his buffer was no longer present.
“He-... h-h-he… oh, god. Kevin. No…”
I heard someone stumbling around the corner and whipped my head up to see a sobering Maddie walk around the corner. Her haphazardly clothed body leaned heavily against the doorframe until her eyes landed on the scenario in front of her. I watched her eyes grow wide before she rushed to Tina’s side, taking her hand and massaging her arm.
“Tina. Sweetheart, look at me,” Maddie said.
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no…”
Tina pushed her head deeper into my chest. So deep, in fact, that I almost couldn’t breathe. Maddie got up and pulled her hair from her face as trails of snot fell to my lap, and she secured Tina’s beautiful hair back with a hair tie just as she began to take deep breaths through her lips.
“That’s a good girl,” I said. “Deep breaths, sweetheart. Deep breaths.”
“What happened?” Maddie mouthed to me.
“He’s dead, Kevin. Oh, my god. He’s dead.”
She said it. She finally said it, and it silenced the entire room. Everything downstairs faded to the background as tears lined Maddie’s eyes, and even I had to take a few deep breaths in order to keep my emotions at bay. I was holding the strongest woman on this planet in my arms while she crumbled to the floor, and the only thing I could do was sit there while she bathed herself in her own pain.
How I wished I could take it away from her.
All of a sudden, Tina leapt from my arms. She threw her arms around Maddie as she pushed off my lap, and the two of them tumbled to the floor. Confusion wafted over my face as Maddie wrapped her arms tightly around her body, and for a split second it made me angry. I had no right to be-- this had absolutely nothing to do with me-- but I wanted to keep comforting her. To kiss her and hold her. To control the shaking of her body while she tried to get herself under control.
I wanted to be there for her, and she wanted to be with Maddie.
Just then, as Maddie was rubbing her back and cooing lightly in her ear, I caught a glimpse of her foot. It was black and blue, and her pinky toe was cocked off to the side. I looked at the rushed packing job of her suitcase that sat on the bed, and I figured she probably slammed her toe into something while she was trying to run around and collect her things.
“I’ll be right back,” I said.
I got up to get the first aid kit from the bathroom upstairs and I had to take a second to breathe. Never had I ever seen Tina so willing to cling to someone before, especially when she was feeling emotional and vulnerable. Usually, she pushed people away. Especially people she didn’t know well.
People like Maddie.
But instead, she was pushing me away and pulling her closer.
And I didn’t understand why.
“Will you come home with me?” I heard Tina’s voice ask.
“You know as well as I do Kevin will be better for you. I’ll need to go back and manage the office while you deal with all this, Tina,” Maddie said.
“I can’t take Kevin,” Tina said.
“Why not?” Maddie asked.
“Because the last time him and my mother were together, I had to stop them from tearing each other’s throats out,” Tina said.
I stood around the corner and listened to them talk as tears sprang to my eyes. Tina wasn’t willing to cling to me because of the tension between her mother and I, and it killed me inside. I wanted to be there for her. To help her through this dark and desolate time, but she was more concerned with alleviating tension more than she was taking care of herself.
“But, that was years ago, right? Like, back in college?” Maddie asked. “Maybe it won’t be like that anymore,” Maddie said.
“I don’t have the energy to take that chance, Maddie. Please. I-... I can’t do this alone,” Tina said.
There it was. The admission of the century. The words I never thought I’d ever hear Tina utter in her entire lifetime.
And she wasn’t uttering them to me.
“Please come with me,” Tina said.
“Alright, alright. Just… take a deep breath and calm down, alright? We can’t get you packed up the rest of the way if you can’t calm down,” Maddie said.
“You just… go pack, okay? I’ve got my stuff in order,” Tina said.
“Looks more like you tried to stuff an elephant into your purse,” Maddie said.
“I’ll come back if I need something. Or, I’ll buy it,” Tina said.
I came into the room with the first aid kit in hand and the two women whipped their heads over to me. Maddie nodded in my direction before she got up and made her way out the door, and I sat down and took Tina’s foot in my hand.
“You’ve broken your toe,” I said.
“Yeah. I hit it against the bedpost,” she said.
“I’m gonna do what any other doctor would do. I’m gonna set the toe and tape it against the sturdy one. Just try to keep as much pressure as you can off it,” I said.
“Is it gonna hurt?” she asked.
I looked up into her vulnerable, frightened
eyes, and my heart leapt to my throat. Never had I ever known Tina to be afraid of pain, but right now she looked like a scared little school girl who wouldn’t admit she was afraid of the dark.
“On my count,” I said. “One… two…”
I snapped it into place and pressed it against her sturdy toe as she swallowed her moans. I quickly taped it before I placed her foot in my lap, and my hands massaged her calf as silent tears continued to roll down the side of her face.
“So, I heard you around the corner…” I said.
“Oh.”
“I’m gonna go back with you,” I said.
“Kevin, I can’t-”
“I’m not going to your house. I’m not even going to approach your mother. I’m only gonna get a hotel in town where I can do some work, and I’ll stay by my phone in case you need me. We can go get lunches, or I can take you out for a drink. It can be a place you come if your mother becomes too much,” I said.
I felt her staring at me, but when I looked up at her I found she was staring over my shoulder. Her emotional outburst had sucked back into her body, reverting her to a catatonic-like state I’d never seen before. I was treading in waters I was unfamiliar with when it came to Tina, and I knew I needed to swim lightly.
Otherwise, I would incur her wrath. And that was the last thing I wanted.
I picked her back up in my arms and sat her on the bed. I looked around for her pair of flip flops before I found them under the bed, and I slowly slipped them onto her feet. Maddie rounded the corner dressed in regular clothes and carrying her suitcase, and our eyes locked for a split second before I lightly shook my head at her.
“I’m ready whenever she is,” Maddie said.
“Let me get on the phone with the pilot and I’ll get him to the island,” I said.
And still, Tina simply sat and stared at the wall.
“Is she alright?” Maddie asked with a whisper.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “No, she’s not.”
I talked with the pilot while I walked across the hall to pack my things in my room. I told the pilot he was needed as soon as he could get there and I apologized for how early in the morning it was. I threw the things I knew I would need in my suitcase before I packed up my laptop, and I left everything else behind. I could come back with it later if I needed anything before our next vacation, and it gave me an excuse to drag Tina back here if she needed to get away.