by Kelli Walker
But, what they didn’t know was that the opulence we lived in was a direct result of my mother. My father had always been frugal, never wanting to boast of his wealth. It was my mother who was always doing that for him.
I climbed out of the car while Kevin threw it in park and slowly walked towards the porch. I could see movement behind the curtains, a shadow fluttering behind the scenes, and I braced myself for the inevitable anger that would descend when Mom realized I was here. If there was one thing she hated, it was people coming to look for her whenever she took time to herself.
But, the funeral was tomorrow, and with the way things were going I wasn’t quite sure if she would show.
I slowly opened the front door to the cabin as it silently swung inwards, and the sight I laid my eyes upon was one I would never forget. My mother-- the stubborn, icy, strong-willed fighter with rules that never wavered and a smile that was never seen-- was hunched over one of my father’s pajama tops. She was pressing it to her face as her shoulders shook with her sobs, and in that very moment I saw my mother for who she really was.
A grieving widow who longed for the warmth of her husband.
I felt Kevin walk up behind me. I could feel his curiosity getting the better of him before his breathing stopped altogether, and I knew in that very moment he was just as shocked as I was. I didn’t want to ruin the moment. I wanted to slowly back out of the house and give her space. The space she’d given me.
That’s what she had been doing when I woke up alone and ate breakfast alone. That’s what she was doing when she talked to me through the door but never opened it to embrace me in a hug.
She was giving me time to process and to emote. To cope the way I felt I needed to before we had to pull up our big girl panties and settle his estate.
And here I was, barging in on her during the moments she needed to herself.
“Mom?” I asked.
She sniffled hard before she wiped her nose, but she didn’t turn to look back at me. Her shoulders stopped moving and her sobs stopped echoing out into the log home, but she didn’t make a move to look over her shoulder.
“What’re you doing here, Tina?” she asked.
“Stop it, Mom,” I said as I walked into the house.
“I give you all the peace and quiet you could ever be afforded to process the death of your father, but you can’t even give me a few days to myself after planning his own funeral to think,” she said.
I walked towards my mother while she continued to talk. She told me how selfish I was and how I needed to turn around and walk away. She told me she’d be there for the funeral and how it was preposterous to think she’d be anywhere else. She raised her voice and leapt to her feet when she found me at her side, and my eyes connected with hers the moment that word flew from her lips.
“You ungrateful little child. I give you the world and all you can do is-”
In that very moment, I threw my arms around her. I locked them behind her back while she struggled to get out of my grasp, and I slowly began to understand my mother a bit more. We would always be different and she would never be perfect, but in this very moment we had one very big thing in common.
We were grieving over the loss of the same man.
“I’m here, Mom. You don’t have to do this alone,” I said.
She struggled against me, pulling and thrashing as tears barreled down her face. I could feel the weight she had lost underneath her baggy clothes as I held her closer to me. I could feel the loss she was physically experiencing over my father’s death and I closed my eyes so I could memorize her.
Memorize her in this very moment if I ever dared to call her an ice queen again.
Then, after a few minutes of struggling, my mother collapsed into my arms. Her head fell to my shoulder and her tears soaked through my clothes. I slowly moved us to the couch before Kevin helped me sit her down, and I pulled her as closely into the crook of my body as I could possibly get her.
“I can’t bury him, Tina,” she sobbed. “I-... I can’t watch them do that.”
“You have to, Mom. It’s the only way you’re gonna get any kind of closure,” I said.
“I can’t,” she said desperately.
“I’ll be there with you. We’ll both be there-- Kevin and I. And Spencer and Maddie. And Brit and Brady. They’re all here, and we’re all going to be there to do it together,” I said.
“I’m not strong enough to do this for him,” she said, sniffling. “God didn’t put me on this earth equipped to do this. I was supposed to go before him. I wasn’t supposed to live a single day of my life without that man.”
My eyes flickered up to Kevin and for a split second, I felt like I knew what she was talking about. Kevin was pushing my mother’s snot-stained hair back behind her ear, but I was too busy studying his face. A face I’d come to know over the past decade and a half. A face I’d looked at many mornings after enjoying nights of endless passion. A face I’d come to trust with the most intimate parts of my life.
And then, that face looked up at me.
“We’ll stay here tonight,” he said. “And then we’ll all go together to the funeral in the morning.”
My mother sat up and wiped at her nose before she settled back into the couch. Her hand came to her head, no doubt nursing a wicked headache from the sobbing she’d just endured.
“I don’t even have clothes here for the funeral,” my mother said.
“I’m sure we can find something in this closet of yours up here. I think you forget about the entire wardrobe you’ve got in that room upstairs,” I said. “I could find something to wear from that, and I’m sure dad’s got something here Kevin can wear.”
“Oh, no no. I’ll go back and change,” Kevin said.
“I think you’d look good in one of Michael’s suits, to be honest. You could pick one out and take it with you. I’m sure he’d want you to have it,” mom said.
“I couldn’t possibly do that, Mrs. Theresa,” he said.
“You can and you will. Out of all the things Michael ever said about you over the years, the thing he harped on the most was your height. He rarely encountered men who could look him in the eyes. He enjoyed that about you.”
“He did?” Kevin asked.
“He really did,” mom said.
“Mrs. Theresa-”
I could tell what was coming. I knew the dinner had flown to the forefront of Kevin’s mind. After years and years and years of growing up and making mistakes, that just seemed to be one he couldn’t let go of. It was one dinner with my parents he was invited to he forgot about. So what? He was studying in his hotel room, for crying out loud. You can’t fault a student for forgetting a dinner because they have to study.
“I need to tell you-”
“Kevin, you really need to let that dinner go,” mom said. “If you really want to, we can talk about it at a later date. I swear, you’ve been carrying around that memory more than any of us have. Give yourself permission to be human.”
“To be honest, Mrs. Theresa, I thought that’s why you hated me,” he said.
“No, sweetheart. I hated you because you were with my daughter. That’s a mother’s job, to criticize every man that walks through that door on her arm.”
“The last time I saw you, you called me a classless animal,” he said.
“I knew you were feeling my daughter up underneath that table cloth, Kevin. I was young once, you know. I know those tricks. Michael and I pulled them many times in front of his parents just to see what we could get away with.”
I laughed harder than I’d ever laughed in my life as Kevin’s eyes grew wide. His jaw unhinged while I wrapped my arms around my stomach while the memory came wafting back. That’s exactly what he had been doing. He’d been trying to get me to fuck up the conversation just for shits and giggles while those fingertips of his danced up my thigh.
Holy hell, my mother knew about my sex life.
“Would you like me to start a fire, Mom? I
think we could all use a strong drink after that revelation,” I said.
“Yes. Fuck. A drink would be nice,” Kevin said.
“He adored you, Kevin. He really did. Take one of his suits. Any one of them. They’ll simply be donated anyway,” mom said.
“I’ll try some on in the morning,” he said.
“Tina? You want to choose the wine, honey?” mom asked.
“Is that code for ‘can you open it and pour it, too’?” I asked.
“Possibly. The corkscrew should be on top of the fridge.”
I poured us all a very tall glass of wine while Kevin stoked up a fire. It was going to be a long night of talking, that much was for sure. But, I had a feeling that-- when this was all said and done-- I’d emerge with a new outlook of my mother I never expected to have.
I just hoped we could all afford each other the same luxury before the night was over.
Chapter 40
Kevin
The day of the funeral rolled around and the ceremony was beautiful. The white and yellow roses were tied to each aisle with red silk ribbons, and I realized when I walked in they matched the suit Michael was being buried in. His black pinstripe suit boasted of a pale yellow button down and a bright red bowtie, and for a split second I thought the man was just going to sit up and tell all of us this was a crude joke.
With all the emotion Tina had been showing this past week, I expected her to crumble. I expected her to be sobbing into my lap during the entire ceremony, but instead it was her mother. Her mother was the one sniffling throughout the entire ceremony and Tina was simply staring off into space.
Staring beyond her father’s open casket while the ceremony passed her by.
When it came time for the eulogy, Theresa stood up. I figured Tina wouldn’t be up to giving it like her father requested, so I was glad Theresa took the reigns. She wiped her nose before she walked up to the platform, and I wrapped my arm around Tina as she sighed.
It was the first sound she had made since she’d sat down next to me.
“I know I’m not the one Michael designated to give the eulogy, but my daughter is aching,” she began. “So, if you’ll indulge me, I’m going to give her a few minutes to collect herself by speaking a few words of my own.”
Tina’s face ripped over to her mother’s as I watched her skin pale. Her hands began to tremble and tears began to flood her eyes, and I clenched my jaw in anger. Of course Theresa would try to find some way to backlash this onto Tina. She had made it very clear this morning she wouldn’t be up to doing this, and here her mother was throwing her under the bus like she always did.
“Kevin. I can’t do that. I-I-I don’t-... But, I thought she-... What’s-”
“Sssshhhh…” I hushed in her ear. “Just take a deep breath. All you have to do is tell them how much you loved your father. Maybe tell them a story of your favorite memory of him. That’s it.”
“No, no that’s not it,” she said harshly. “My father deserves better than that. I can't give him better than that. She was his wife, for crying out loud. Why can’t she do it!?”
“For those of you who didn’t understand Michael and I’s marriage, this admission will come as a shock. But, for the last couple of years, Michael and I had been sleeping in separate rooms.”
The room fell silent as Tina’s eyes slowly pulled over to her mother’s, and all I could do was gawk. Whatever the hell was about to happen, the train was in motion, and I had absolutely no way of stopping it.
I could no longer be the buffer Tina needed me to be, and something told me her mother wanted it that way.
“Michael and I loved each other dearly, but it takes a great deal more than love to make a marriage work. It took a great deal of energy to try and pull ourselves back from the mire, and by the time our days wound down, all we wanted to do was be alone.”
I watched as Tina’s jaw slowly unhinged. The vice grip she had on my hand was causing my fingers to turn white, and I tried to bite down on my lip and keep my mouth shut. If this was the only thing I could provide for her in this cataclysmic moment, then I needed to give it to her.
No matter how much it fucking hurt.
“I loved Michael very much,” Theresa said as tears rose to her eyes. “But, laying next to him was hard. Every time my body would press against him, I could feel the weight he’d lost. Every time he rolled over in the morning and kissed me, the twinge of urine on his breath would remind me of how his body was failing him. How his body could no longer keep up with me. How I would soon no longer have him. So, we slept in separate rooms. We had a night nurse come over to stay with him, and I’d cry myself to sleep every night because I was too weak for the man who’d been so strong for me over the course of my lifetime.”
I felt Tina’s grip relent just a little bit and I breathed a sigh of relief. The blood rushed back to my fingertips and my hand began to tingle, but the sensation didn’t last for long.
Because Theresa most certainly wasn’t done.
“I don’t know if Tina will be well enough to get up here and speak, and we honestly shouldn’t expect her to. She’s lost her father, and I remember how stifling it felt when I got that same phone call all those years ago. It’s a pain that will never go away, and every Father’s Day I still shed a tear for him. And now? I’ll shed a tear for them both, because Michael was a wonderful father to our daughter. In ways I could never have been.”
All at once, Tina released my hand and leaned into my body. I could tell she was settling in for her mother’s words as they looked at one another. Her mother was poised in her direction from the booth and her eyes were locked solely on Tina’s, and I could tell she was entering her own little words as her mother poured forth words she’d been longing to hear for years.
“Tina, my beautiful daughter. There will never be a moment for the rest of your life where you won’t miss that man. You’ll walk by a bakery and smell a cheese danish cooking and think of him, or you’ll chew on a stick of mint chewing gum and be reminded of his morning rituals. You might find yourself driving past a tobacco shop and stop in just to smell the scents and take it all in, and I know this because I do it. I do it now with your father gone, and I did all those things and more when I lost mine. Our relationship has been less than perfect and we have never really understood one another, but I need you to know that I understand this. For all the differences we have, I understand the hurt you’re experiencing. Do not force yourself to get up here and speak. If you have something you want to say, I hope I’ve provided you with some time to gather yourself so you can say it. But, if you have nothing, then that is fine, too. Because at one point, your father had nothing. Neither of us had anything when we first got married. That’s simply how it is when you begin something new. And that’s what this is: something new. We’ve never had to live without Michael until now, and we’ll have to navigate that together. But, I’m here. And I’m willing to do that with you, so long as you’ll have me.”
I felt her shoulders hopping with her sobs before her mother dashed from the podium. Tina flew from the pew and threw her arms around Theresa, pulling her close while the two of them sobbed. The few people who attended the funeral were wiping tears from their eyes, and I looked on and committed this moment to memory.
This life-altering moment that would force everyone associated with the two of them to walk a slightly different path.
I looked back at our group and saw the girls dabbing at their eyes. Spencer and Brady had their jaws clenched, but I could see their glistening orbs as they looked on in shock. We were watching an almost three-decade feud extinguish right before our eyes, and there was a certain kind of beauty to it that none of us ever wanted to forget.
We trailed behind the body as we headed to the burial site, and everyone was ominously silent. No one shed tears, no one hiccuped with sobs, and no one sniffled. People tossed more roses onto his casket while he was being lowered. I stood behind Theresa and Tina while they leaned on each other for su
pport, but I could tell their gazes were out along the horizon. I don’t think either of them could really watch what was happening, and there wasn’t a soul that surrounded them that could blame them.
And then, like clockwork, Tina turned to her mother and uttered the words I’d been dreading for days.
“Mom, we need to talk about dad’s business.”
“Sweetheart, I can’t do something like that right now. We just lowered him into the ground,” she said.
“Why don’t we talk about something like this over dinner?” I stepped in and asked.
“That’s a much better idea,” Theresa said. “Tina?”
“Dinner at the house tonight?” Tina asked.
“Dinner at the house,” Theresa confirmed.
But all I could do was shove my hand into my pocket and feel around for the sheet of paper I kept on my body. I was saving all the information I’d gathered for the time it would be necessary, and I began rehearsing my speech for dinner in my head as we all walked away from the gravesite.
Something told me this wasn’t going to go over well, and I hoped Brit would still be up for talking some sense into tina.
Because I had a feeling she was going to need it.
Chapter 41
Tina
“I’ll need to take a look at places out here I can rent. Or, I can come stay in my old room and help you out with the house, Mom.”
“Sweetheart, this isn’t-”
“I’ll also need to get ahold of those books as fast as I can. I’m not sure who’s been keeping up financially with things, but everyone’s rent will be due soon, I’m sure,” I said.
“Tina, we need to talk about-”
“There are still a couple of levels that weren’t rented out the last time Dad and I talked. Do you know if he got them rented out or if they are still vacant?” I asked.
“Tina, take a breath.”
I turned my gaze towards Kevin and saw him pull out a sheet of paper. I didn’t need to take a breath, I needed to plan out my next steps. We’d gotten past my father’s funeral and it was time for me to tuck in my emotions. He trusted me with his business and now I needed to make sure I didn’t disappoint him.