by Misti Murphy
"Has he woken up?" Concern and something else intertwined in her voice.
Another voice spoke up. I didn’t know who it belonged to. "It looks like he’s coming out of it, but he hasn’t woken up yet."
"Oh."
I’m here. I’m right here, I wanted to tell her, but I couldn’t talk around the damn thing in my throat.
"He can probably hear you. You should talk to him." The other voice spoke again.
Warm fingers slid into mine and I squeezed them as hard as I could.
"Do you think so?" Her voice lilted with hope.
Talk to me, love. I’m here, just talk to me.
"I’ve got to go see to other patients. Why don’t you sit with him for a while?" Footsteps drifted across the floor.
"Orion, I’m sorry. It’s my fault you’re in here. I’m so sorry." When she pressed her lips to my wrist something wet and warm slipped onto my hand. Don’t cry, Clo. I’m right here.
She laid her head on my chest, and more tears soaked me. Vanilla tumbled through the smell of antiseptic, as her hair caressed my jaw. God I loved this girl. When I got out of this I would tell her. Life was too short to keep my feelings hidden.
"I need to tell you something, Orion. You need to know no matter how long it takes, I will wait for you, always." She gulped as her body shook against mine. My arms remained unresponsive to my desperate need to hold her.
"I love you, and you waited for me for so long, because you knew we were meant to be together, and I, foolish as I was... I couldn’t see that. If I’d let go of my past then this wouldn’t have happened. You’re not Zack, and you never were. You’re the man I need, and I will wait for you, for an hour, a year, for however long it takes. You waited for me, and you never gave up. Don’t give up on me now. Not when I know I can’t face life without you." The last of her speech faded into a whisper.
I love you too babe. If I could open my eyes, or say something I would let you know how much.
Her fingers brushed over my hand one last time before I heard her heels clip across the floor. She said she loved me, and it felt like she meant it as more than a friend. But how could she say that? Unless... Zack was no longer around. God, I needed to wake up.
***
The second time I woke up I was able to open my eyes. The textured white tiles on the ceiling went with the antiseptic and quiet beeping of machines. Apparently, I'd ended up in hospital. Scratching my jaw, I turned my head to find Birdie beside me and I reached out to squeeze her hand. My throat seemed to be coated in sandpaper, and every damn inch of me ached.
Dark shadows lined her eyes, and her lips were pressed together as she dozed. She jumped when I squeezed her hand tighter, and then leaned in to hug me. "Hello big brother, glad you’ve come back to the land of the living."
"Water?" I was surprised at the quiet rasp that was all I could muster.
She poured water from the pitcher and held it for me to sip. "What happened?"
"You were in a car accident," she said softly, and glanced away from me. "I need to get the doctor."
"Don’t." I had questions I wanted to ask her, but she flew out the door.
She came back with the doctor, a petite woman with a pixie cut and cornflower blue eyes. "Hello, Orion. It’s nice to finally meet you."
I knew her voice. It was the other voice from my dream. "Clo?"
The doctor checked me over, and Birdie played with her phone.
"I don’t understand why I’m here." Why wasn’t anyone telling me what I wanted to know?
"You were in a car accident." The doctor made notes on a clipboard. "We had to put you in a coma to let the swelling around your brain go down."
"A car accident? Was anyone hurt?"
"The person in the other car got lucky. The police picked him up a mile from the accident site."
"I have to pop out for a minute," Birdie chimed in.
The doctor waved her away. "We have some tests we need to run, and then he’ll probably go back to sleep. Why don’t you come back later?"
"Okay?" Birdie shot a glance in my direction, and I nodded. "I’ll see you soon."
The doctor asked questions, and I tried to answer them the best I could, before they took me to another room for more tests.
Clo sat beside the bed when they finally brought me back to the room.
"Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?" It was the cheesiest line I’d ever used, but she seemed so forlorn sitting there beside the empty bed. The last thing I wanted was to see her sad.
Sobbing, she swooped in for a hug. "Oh God, Orion, I’m glad you’re okay."
"Easy there. It’s okay." I held her closer than I should have, but hell I could have died.
The doctor interrupted, "Let’s get him on the bed, then he’s all yours."
Clo nodded and tried to support my weight, as they maneuvered me onto the bed. My muscles were wrecked from laying down for two weeks. The doctor left the room, and Clo fluffed the pillows behind me, before she perched on the edge of the bed.
"How are you feeling?" She stared at our hands as she laced our fingers together.
Staring at them too, I pulled my hand from hers, and wished I hadn’t. "Where’s Zack?"
Chapter Thirty-Two
"Those two weeks in rehabilitation were the most confusing and frustrating weeks of my life. I couldn’t remember things that had happened over the past three years, though my memories were slowly coming back to me, and I had horrible nightmares. I was still waiting on an answer from Clo, as to what had happened with Zack, but it seemed it was too painful for her to talk about. And while I was sure the others knew what was going on, it seemed they’d come to the agreement that it was best for my recovery if they kept me in the dark. Maybe they were right and maybe they were wrong. I’m not sure. I don’t think any of them expected me to react the way I did."
December 2011
I’d been getting better every day, and since Birdie had advised the doctor she’d be moving in with me, they’d decided I could go home. There was no way I'd let Birdie move back in with me. Last time it had taken months to get her to move out again, but I saved that conversation for the car since she might not let me leave the hospital.
I dragged on a fresh shirt. Another week and I’d go back to work, as Mike had suggested. It would only be a day or two at first, but I needed it to normalize me.
I left the bathroom, but instead of finding Birdie, who had been packing my bags when I went into the bathroom, Clo sat on the end of the bed.
"What are you doing here? I thought I’d see you at home. You know, for the welcome home party Birdie isn’t planning?" I smirked.
"I...we need to talk." She got off the bed to stand inches from me. "I know you’ve been struggling to remember everything, and there’s still a lot missing."
"I’m sorry if I’ve forgotten something important." I got a little lost in her stare. "You can tell me what it is. That might jog my memory, but I can’t promise anything. The doctors said it would take time."
"They did, and I can be patient, but I need you to know... I’m not with Zack. I need you to remember I’m not with him."
"Really?" Without Zack, maybe I could find a way to make her mine once things had normalized.
"Really..." She took my hand and placed it over her heart. "I’m with you."
"With me?" I stared at my hand close to her heart, her skin warm beneath my palm. Either I was dreaming, or the episodes of confusion I’d suffered were worse this time. God, I hoped not, because I couldn’t stand one more minute in this hospital room.
"I’m with you, and when you’re ready... when things aren’t confused, I’ll be waiting for you."
I didn’t want to wait, but what if all this was in my head. My mind playing tricks on me and showing me what I wanted instead of what was real? Shaking my head, I sunk down on the bed. "I don’t understand. I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to remember."
She scooted closer and wrapped her arms aroun
d me. "It’s okay. You will. Give it time, Orion. I’ll be right here."
I groaned against her belly. "I don’t want to give it time. If this is real..."
"It is. I promise you." She pressed her lips to my forehead. "But I get that it’s a lot to take in."
I wanted to pull her onto my lap and kiss her like I’d always wanted to. Like I had the day my father died. It was the one clear memory I had of her and I, and it wasn’t enough. Pulling back I explored her jaw line with my fingers. I could kiss her now, but something held me back, and it wasn’t Zack, because he’d never be enough to make me stay away from her, and it wasn’t her, with the way she was looking at me now. It was the simple fact that I wasn’t me. I wasn’t whoever I had been for her, and until I could remember, until things were as they were supposed to be, I would never be able to give her the man who had finally managed to make her fall in love with him.
Birdie cleared her throat in the doorway, and I stood up.
Fingering a lock of Clo’s hair, I brushed my lips over the top of her head. "I’ll remember. I’ll find my way back to you."
Letting her go, I picked up my bag. "Let’s go home."
Chapter Thirty-Three
"I grilled Birdie all the way home on this development between Clo and I. But it was only after she blackmailed me into letting her stay with me for the week that she gave me answers. I struggled to wrap my head around the fact Clo and I were together, although it made sense of some of the wicked dreams I’d been having." Orion shakes his head and scratches a knuckle over his jaw. "Some nights I’d dream of things we’d done together, and I’d wake up with new memories. Other nights, I’d dream I was dying."
December 2011
Bolting upright, I clutched my chest and tried to catch my breath. My heart pounded as I kicked off the tangled duvet from my legs and it cascaded off the bed. When would these dreams end? I’d been home for two weeks, and during the day life had settled into a routine of sorts, but at night the dreams kept coming.
I reached for my phone in the dark and thumbed the keypad until the screen lit up. Whenever I had one of these dreams, I was driven to call Clo. Before I could stop myself I'd entered her number, my thumb hovering over the call button.
On the few occasions I’d asked her to come over, I’d struggled with the need to take her in my arms, carry her to my room, and make love to her. In my dreams, I’d had her a thousand times before, but that was part of the problem. My memories of those months before the accident were patchy at best. There were moments when I’d remember being with her, kissing her, lying beside her. Those were the best moments of my goddamn life. I ached to have that again, and yet, I couldn’t remember being with her. It shouldn’t have mattered, but it did. We’d been so close before. Back where I could remember. After that, after the memories faded to almost nothing, there was only uncertainty of what we’d had. I’d done something in that time, been something extra for her then. I must have been for her to finally be mine, and the fact that I couldn’t remember, that I might not be that for her scared the shit out of me. So I kept my distance, telling myself it was only until those memories I’d lost came back. They would, I was sure, eventually resurface and we’d be able to find our way back. Still the slight hint of hurt mixed with longing whenever she glanced at me told me I was hurting her. Not knowing how to stop it, unable to deal with the pain I was inflicting on us both, I kept my distance. Reminding myself it was only temporary. Soon, I’d remember and when I did, I’d never lose her again. Only, when I dreamed, and especially on those nights I dreamed I was dying she was the one thing, the one person I wanted.
Taking a deep breath, I mashed my thumb to the screen. She would be asleep, so she wouldn’t get it until morning, but my heart beat unsteadily each time I made these calls. Rubbing a hand over my head, I put my phone on speaker.
"Hello." She stifled a yawn.
"Hi," I whispered, unsure what to say.
"Orion?"
"It’s me." If I hung up now, she'd go back to sleep. Maybe she wouldn't even remember I'd called.
"Are you okay?"
"I...don’t know." I had no excuse for calling at — I checked the time — four-thirty in the morning. "I’m sorry I woke you."
"That’s okay, I haven’t been sleeping either."
"Can you come over?" I told myself to shut up. If she came, I couldn’t send her home.
"Now?" She moved about, and I imagined her tousled and beautiful. The urge to see her grew stronger.
"Please."
"I’m on my way." She hung up, and I stared at the blank screen. What the hell had I done?
My mind raced as I lay there waiting for her. I strained to hear the sound of her car and the knock on my front door that would follow shortly after. It would be best if I called her back and told her not to come. It was ridiculous to drag her out of bed in the middle of the night, but changing my mind made me feel worse, and besides I needed to see her. Memories built into my flesh and blood called for her in a way I could not wrap my mind around.
Slipping out of bed, I grabbed my robe and shivered as the chill of early morning soaked into my bones. Waiting for her, I paced the darkened living room lit only by the twinkling lights of the Christmas tree Birdie had insisted upon. I halted my steps when I heard her car. My hand trembled on the doorknob as I opened it for her.
She shook as she stepped inside, and her breaths came out in white puffs. I was a fucking idiot to make her come out in the middle of Christmas Eve. There was no way I could turn her away now.
"Hi." Teeth chattering, she rubbed her hands together trying to warm them.
I couldn’t think of a single thing to say to her. How could I tell her what was on my mind when I couldn't make sense of it? When I didn't know how to put my thoughts into words? "I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called."
"Why did you?" She tilted her head to stare at me and raised an eyebrow.
"I have these dreams" —was I really going to admit to her how much I needed her? —"about dying. Dreams where you are the only thing I can think of."
"Oh." Her mouth fascinated me as it performed a perfect O. She reached for me, but dropped her hand.
Catching it, I placed it on my chest. "I’m trying to remember. It’s hard to see parts of our story, and try to make sense of them, but in my dreams you are everything to me. You must know, I must have told you, I have always loved you."
She stepped closer, leaving only an inch between us and her fingers curled against my chest. Her tongue darted over her lips, and I wished it was mine. "You did tell me that."
"Then you know I want you, all of you, every inch of you, forever. I must have told you that too." The words were flowing; uncomplicated and untangled from the mess in my mind.
"Uh-huh." The gap between us disappeared.
"I’m scared. Part of me wants to keep you away until I remember everything. Until we can pick things up where we left them. I don’t want to feel like we’re starting out when I know we’re not and yet, there’s part of me that has waited so long to have you look at me the way you are. I can barely control myself around you." The words poured out, unstoppable. My body shaking as I laid it out for her.
"What if you never remember everything?"
"I will. I know I will." My memories would return. They had to.
"But what if you don’t?" she persisted. "You waited for me. You were patient, and I promised myself I’d be patient with you. I will wait for as long as you need me to, but what if you never remember?"
I scratched at the stubble on my jaw. If this was all there was, I couldn’t continue without her living in this echo of our reality.
"I don’t know what to do."
"Stop over thinking it. Do what feels right to you. It doesn’t matter if we have to start over. Trust me." Pressing into me, she lifted up on tiptoe, bringing her mouth so close the heat of her pulled me in.
I wanted to let go, scoop her up, and carry her to bed, but it was like losing my vir
ginity again. My nerves were alight. What if I wasn’t the same man I’d been before? "What if it’s different? I don’t remember who I was for you."
She placed a hand on my shoulder. "That’s easy. You were you. The same man you’ve always been. The man who made me fall in love with him." Closing the gap, I took her mouth, groaning as she opened for me. My thoughts fled as I held onto her with both hands.
Kissing her was coming home, only better than that. It was as if I’d never known I had a home. There was no miraculous memory recovery, but there was something deeper and instinctive that recognized her as mine. We stumbled across the room as I sought more of her flesh with my hands, and my tongue slid between her teeth. I pushed her up against the wall next to the tree. The lights reflected over her skin as I devoured her mouth. The smell of pine intermingled with vanilla tickled my nostrils. Pushing my robe out of the way, she took my cock in her hand and stroked it while I shoved her pants down to her ankles. "Oh God, Clo, you don't know how long I've wanted to be with you."
She pressed her fingers to my lips. "I know, Orion, I know how much you need me.”
Wrapping a leg around my hip she guided me into her pussy, surrounding me with her heat. A groan tore up my throat, and I buried my head on her shoulder as I plunged into her. Letting her draw me in like gravity; blocking out everything but our need for each other.
Chapter Thirty-Four
"Waking up beside her on Christmas Day was the perfect present. What I didn’t remember didn’t matter. I decided right then and there that I would ask her to move in with me as soon as I could. Unfortunately, others weren’t as happy about it as we were."
December 2011
Staring at her while she slept, I couldn’t stop the grin that split my face. Her eyes fluttered as she turned into me and wrapped a leg around my hip. It was hard to believe she was mine, even when she was wrapped around me. One day, I hoped I remembered how we'd gotten here, but for now, all that mattered was we were together.
"I missed you."
Her cheek curved against my chest and her eyelashes tickled my skin. Winding her hair around my fingers, my heart swelled at how easily she curled into me, and how natural it was to hold her naked body to mine. "Merry Christmas."