by Smoak, Ivy
I had told Daphne I wasn't dumb enough to lose James. That must have made her feel guilty for something that couldn't possibly be her fault. And now she was alone, trying to prove to herself that she wasn't scared. I didn't blame her for being scared. And she shouldn't be alone. She should be with me.
As soon as the elevator doors opened I started running as fast as I could.
Chapter 33
Daphne
I should have never come here. I shouldn't have gotten on the plane. What was I thinking? I tripped on a root and fell onto my knees. I had been crying so hard that I couldn't see anything.
Part of me wanted to curl up in a ball and just continue to cry. I wanted to cry and scream and curse. I wanted to throw things. Because none of this was fair.
I thought I was upset with Rob. But I wasn't. If he had a threesome before we met, what did it matter? He wasn't with me. He didn't know me. I wasn't upset with him. I was upset with myself.
He couldn't teach me how to live. I had to teach myself. I stood up and wiped my eyes. And I was going to start by zip lining. I couldn't live my life being scared of dying. I wouldn't give Derek the satisfaction of taking that away from me when it felt like he had taken everything else from me.
I wanted to be reckless. I wanted to live. Damn it. I was so mad at him for leaving me. I was so mad at him for giving up on life. I touched my wrist, trailing my fingers down to my bracelet. But there was only one bracelet, the one from the resort. Where's my bracelet? I stared down at the forest ground. Leaves covered the path, but there was no metallic glint anywhere.
"No." No, no, no! I stopped and looked at the trail behind me. I needed my bracelet.
My tears started up again as I began to backtrack. Where is it? When had I last noticed I had it? Maybe this morning. Maybe last night? It suddenly felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to find it. It was all I had left. But everything was blurry with my tears. I couldn't look for it like this. I sat down, not caring at all about the squish my butt made on the muddy ground. I pulled my knees to my chest and let myself cry.
I couldn't live like this. I didn't want to hold onto the past. But how was I supposed to embrace a future without him? I was so sick of being alone. I didn't want to push anyone away. But it was all I knew. I had never felt so alone. Why did Derek leave me? Didn't he know that I needed him? Had I told him that? Now he'd never know.
Guilt washed over me as I sat there crying. I wasn't mad at Rob and I wasn't mad at Derek either. I was the responsible one, so how had I let Derek's problems slip through my fingers? My whole life I had lived in fear. I never took risks because I was scared. That was why my friends called me Momma Bear. Maybe it had gotten worse since Derek's death, but I was always like this. I was always scared to take chances. I was pathetic.
"Daphne?"
The familiar voice made me lift my head. Rob. Seeing him made me start to cry even harder. I still hadn't apologized to him. And now I owed him an even bigger apology for what happened during lunch.
He knelt down in the muddy ground and put his arms around me. He was breathing heavily like he had run all the way here. I didn't hesitate to rest the side of my face against his chest as he pulled me onto his lap. He smelled like sweat and the waterfall he had bathed in.
"It's okay, Daphne." He ran his hand comfortingly up and down my back. "It's okay."
"No," I grumbled into his chest.
"Talk to me." His voice was so soothing.
"I lost it. I can't find it anywhere. It's all I have left and it's gone."
"What did you lose? Tell me and I'll help you find it."
"My sanity," I said with a forced laugh.
He pulled back slightly and put his hand on the side of my face.
I didn't know why he was being so nice to me. But I didn't care. I needed his help. "My bracelet. I think I dropped it on the path. I need it, it's important."
"Okay. I'll go look."
I moved off his lap and watched him walk back where he had come from. I had told him not to follow me. I had asked him to leave me alone. What was he doing here? But I didn't really care why he was here, I just cared that he was. Maybe it was selfish of me, but when I was with him I didn't feel alone. In a few minutes, he came walking back up to me.
"Is this it?" He held up my gold bracelet between his fingers.
I breathed a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Rob." I wanted to cry all over again.
He sat back down in the mud and held the bracelet toward me. I lifted up my wrist and let him secure it back on. I put my wrist onto my lap and looked down at the bracelet. Derek would have been mad at me for putting so much meaning into this bracelet. He didn't care about material things at all. But it was the last present he had ever given me. I could picture him smiling as he handed me the box on my birthday. It was my most prized possession. It was also the last time I had ever seen him.
"I'm sorry about last night," I said. "I didn't get to apologize earlier. I was projecting my own problems..."
"It's okay." He pulled me onto his lap again.
I looked up at him. His eyes were full of understanding and I wasn't sure why. "It's not okay. But I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I was acting like a crazy person."
He kissed the top of my head and started to run his hand up and down my back again. "I'm sorry too."
"You don't have anything to be sorry for. So you had a threesome right before we met? I'm not allowed to be mad about that."
"You're allowed to feel however you feel. It didn't mean anything though. It was just one of those stupid cards. I didn't know I'd be running into you. And if I could take it back, I would. I don't ever want to hurt you. Daphne, I really like you."
"I really like you too."
His smile was so endearing.
I wiped the remaining tears off my cheeks. "I didn't come to your room earlier to have sex with you."
"I kind of figured that." He smiled again. "But I'm glad it happened.
Me too. I shook my head. "But I shouldn't have let it. I'm not really in a place where I can be in a relationship. I'm still trying to figure out how to be happy on my own."
"Have you ever thought that maybe we can find happiness together?"
That's what I wanted. I really, really wanted that with him. I shook my head. "I can't."
"Because of your brother?"
"How do you know about my brother?"
"Alina told me."
I sighed. "She doesn't understand."
"I think she understands more than you give her credit for. But I'd like to hear about him from you."
"There's nothing to tell. He's gone. End of story."
"I know that isn't true. Tell me about him. Tell me what happened."
I looked down at the ground. "I loved him so much." I bit the inside of my cheek. I wasn't going to start crying again. "He was two years older than me. I looked up to him my whole life. He wanted to come here, you know? It was his dream to travel. He had posters of Costa Rica all over his room. And he had been saving up money so he could travel the world. He was so excited about it." This was too hard, talking about the good times. "But he was bad at holding a job. He was in and out of rehab a lot. It's strange, though, he always seemed good to me. He was good at hiding it from me, I guess. I think he was trying to protect me." I shrugged. "But he wasn't fine. He died of an overdose a year and a half ago. Right before my last semester of college."
"I'm sorry."
I shook my head. "And you were right, you know. I talked to him on the phone the night before it happened. He told me he had slipped up, but he said he was good. He promised he was okay. I always believed him. And I believed him then. If I had just looked at the signs, I would have seen it. If I wasn't so blinded by my own opinions of him, he'd still be alive."
"That's not true."
"Yes it is. I could have saved him."
"You couldn't have saved him."
"You didn't know him, Rob. You don't know the situation. I could have. It's my fault. I
was dumb enough to lose him, just like you said. And this stupid bracelet is all I have left of him."
"You're not dumb for believing him." He pressed my face against his chest. "That just shows how strong your love was."
I closed my eyes. "You know, I can't even remember what his laugh sounded like? It was contagious. Whenever I heard it, I'd laugh too. And now I can't remember it. That's what I miss the most."
He responded by rubbing his hand up and down my back.
"I know that James isn't Derek."
"Daphne, you don't have to apologize. I understand."
I pulled back and looked into his enchanting brown eyes. "I got really depressed after he died. My boyfriend of two years broke up with me because he didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. But how can you just get over something like that? How can you ever? When I so badly needed someone, he left me too, and it killed me. it just added to this feeling of loss. Like I couldn't hold onto anything. Like I was spiraling into this darkness."
I blinked hard so the tears wouldn't start again. "I actually read under that tree every day to try to escape this feeling." I touched the center of my chest. I didn't know how else to describe it. "I wanted to escape. And when I graduated, I moved to New York, not because I thought it was glamorous like I said earlier. I was running away. It's painful to see my parents. It's painful to see places that remind me of him. And I had this overwhelming feeling of aloneness. There's always people around in the city. I thought maybe I'd feel less alone there. But I don't know, I feel like it makes it worse. I'm so sick of hiding. I'm so sick of feeling broken. And I thought I was okay, but I'm clearly not okay."
I took a deep breath. "I stopped living when he died. I need to figure out how to get my life back. And I have to do that by myself."
"I can teach you how to zip line if that's what you want. I can show you how."
"I don't even know if I actually want to do that. I just need to figure out what I really want. And I need to do that on my own."
"Daphne, you don't need to do it alone. I want to do it with you." He tilted my face up to his. "You're not alone. I'm here."
"I can't get close to anyone, because I'm terrified that they'll leave me. I can't do this."
"I'm not going to leave you."
"Of course you will. Don't make me a promise that you can't keep."
"Daphne, I..."
"Thank you for this weekend, Rob. You have such a big heart. Your brother is lucky to have you."
"Your brother was lucky to have you too."
I winced at his words. If that was true, he'd still be alive. "Maybe we'll run into each other in the city." I moved to get off his lap, but he held me in place.
"I don't want this to be goodbye."
"Rob, I'm not a good fit for you."
"I think you are."
"You're a little like my brother." I smiled. "You live big and fast. And that's not me. You're happy and carefree, and I don't want to pull you down."
"I'm not happy. Actually, I'm not happy at all right now. I feel stuck."
"And I can't fix that."
"Why not? I'm happy when I'm with you. You're happy when you're with me too. I can see it in your eyes. Why are you running from this feeling instead of embracing it? You don't have to run anymore."
"I'm not running, I'm finally embracing my problems. I need to figure out what I want."
"And that's definitely not me?" He looked hurt. I didn't want to hurt him. That wasn't my intention at all.
"I didn't say that."
"You basically did." He sighed. "I'm sorry about your brother, Daphne. I'm sorry that you're hurting. But I don't understand why you can't let me help heal you."
"Thank you for this weekend, Rob," I said again.
He let his hands fall from me. "Okay."
I got up off his lap. I didn't want to leave him sitting in the mud. But I couldn't stay here anymore. I needed to do this for myself. "I don't regret what happened between us."
"Okay," he said again.
But he didn't look okay. He looked upset. "I don't want you to be upset with me."
"I want to be with you and you don't want to be with me. I don't know what you want me to say."
I do want to be with you. I'm just not ready. "I'm sorry," I said instead.
He sighed and stood up. "I'm sorry too. And I hope that you find whatever you're looking for. You deserve to be happy."
"You too. Goodbye, Rob." I held out my hand for him.
He looked down at my hand like it was a foreign object and then back at me. He shook his head, took a step toward me, and grabbed the back of my head. I melted into his touch as his lips brushed softly against mine. That same spark I felt every time we touched went through me. I expected him to keep kissing me, persuading me in a different way. Instead, he immediately released me.
I swallowed hard. He shook his head again and walked away from me without another word. He didn't say goodbye. Derek hadn't said goodbye either. Except I had a chance to go after Rob, whereas Derek was gone forever. But I didn't go after Rob. I just walked toward the zip lining course. Rob needed someone who was full of life. I wasn't a good fit for him. Even if I wanted to be.
Chapter 34
Rob
I pushed through the underbrush, not caring about the twigs scratching my shins. Running always made me feel better. I picked up my pace until it felt like I was flying. This was the best feeling in the world.
I needed to stop lying to myself. Running wasn't the best feeling in the world, fucking was. Being inside Daphne was...stop. I needed to stop. If Daphne didn't want me, I didn't fucking want her either. I wasn't going to pine after some girl I had only known a few days.
The problem was, it didn't feel like I had known her only a few days. I could picture her laying on her blanket with a book in her hand. If I had known how much she was hurting, I would have talked to her. I could have helped her. Worrying about someone was one thing. Losing someone was an entirely different thing. No one should have to feel that alone. But I hadn't talked to her back then. Because I was a coward. And maybe I still was a coward, because I liked her and instead of fighting for her I was literally running in the opposite direction. I wanted to turn around and tell her that I was what she needed. How could she not see that?
I stopped and put my hands on my knees to catch my breath. She doesn't want you. I closed my eyes. Why did it feel like I couldn't get enough air? I stood up and kicked a branch that was laying on the path. "Fuck!" I yelled into the silent air. My curse echoed around me. I was alone. I was always alone.
***
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I moved my arm off my eyes and stared at my brother. "No. I don't." I felt the bottom of the bed sag, even though I had just dismissed him. Why did he always fucking do that? I didn't want to talk to him or anyone else. I rolled off the bed.
"She told me that she lost someone close to her because of an overdose," James said. "Maybe I could talk to her?"
"It was her brother."
James sighed. "I should go talk to her. I understand..."
"What do you understand? What it feels like to lose someone?"
"No, but I know what it feels like to go through.."
"You have no idea what it feels like to go through that! You were on the other side of it. I know what it's like. I was the one that was scared of losing someone. Not the other way around."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't fucking apologize to me."
"But I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you."
"Jesus Christ, James! You don't owe me an apology. I owe you everything. You gave up your whole life so that I could do whatever I wanted. And what have I made for myself?"
"You're happy. That's all that matters."
"I'm not happy."
He frowned. "Then find something that'll make you happy."
"What, traveling? I've been everywhere I want to be. I'm alone. I'm so sick of being alone. I used to see Daphne
studying on the green at the University of New Castle. She was so beautiful and peaceful and I couldn't talk to her because I knew all I'd do was fuck up her life. Just like I fucked up yours."
"You didn't fuck up my life. I made my own choices."
"To protect me! Do you have any idea how guilty I feel? It's my fault that you're an addict."
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"You did everything Mom and Dad wanted so that I wouldn't have to take their shit. They thought you were weak for never standing up to them, so they were even harder on you. But I knew the truth. That you didn't do it for them, you did it for me. You were depressed because of me."
"I was depressed because of my own choices! And don't make me out to be a saint, Rob. I was so jealous of you growing up."
"Jealous of me?" I laughed. "Yeah, right."
"There were times where I would have done anything to switch places with you. You got to be a kid. You got to play sports. You got to stay out late. You got to date whoever you wanted."
"Because of you."
"Fine. But I resented you."
I didn't know that. "I resented you too. Because you were the favorite. Nothing I did was ever good enough."
"Seriously? I never thought you cared about that, I thought..."
"Exactly, James. You didn't ask me what I thought. You just did whatever you thought was best for me. You weren't supposed to my father, you were supposed to be my friend."
"You still resent me." He didn't ask it like a question, he said it as a statement.
I didn't know what to say. I did resent him. I was so mad at him for making me feel second best my whole life, but for also making me feel like I ruined his life. It was bullshit.
He stood up. "Why the fuck would you resent me now? Mom and Dad don't even speak to me. I'm an addict."
"I'm just sick of owing you."
"You don't owe me anything. You know that. We're family. We take care of each other, that's what we do. That's what we've always done. You don't owe me anything, so why don't you tell me what's really bothering you and stop complaining about the past. You said we aren't kids anymore, so stop acting like one. Grow up."