by Tia Siren
“Mia, I don’t know what you’re doing. I don’t like games. I’m not going to be your yo-yo,” he said, clearly frustration.
I shrugged a shoulder. “Then don’t be.”
I walked out and headed for the spare bedroom. Once again, our time together was ending on a sour note. He was right; games were for kids.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Brad
I hated waking up without her beside me. Last night had ended with her sleeping on the couch. I had a guest room but no guest bed. Why would I? Anyone who stayed over slept in my bed. No matter how much I had tried to convince her to come to bed with me, she wouldn’t budge. I rolled out of bed and walked into the living room in just my boxers.
She was sitting up, staring off into space. She looked so sad. I wanted to soothe away her worries and the stress I had caused. That had never been my intention.
“Hi,” I said, sitting beside her and pulling her onto my lap.
She reluctantly sat on my lap and leaned her head against my shoulder. “Hi.”
I kissed the top of her head and ran my fingertips up and down her arm in a soothing motion. She relaxed against me, and her soft body felt good against my chest. It was where she belonged always and forever. I wasn’t going to let her go. She was mine. She owned my entire heart. I would never feel what I felt for Mia for anyone else. It was as if she lived in my heart. If she left me, I wasn’t sure I could live.
We sat in silence, simply enjoying the last of her visit. We didn’t have to talk. There had been plenty said. We were stuck in a circle, and the only way I saw things changing was if I changed them. I had to make the change.
“Are you all packed?” I asked softly.
She nodded. “I am. I have to leave in an hour or so.”
“I’ll go with you.”
“You don’t need to. I’m sure you have other stuff to do.”
“Nothing is as important as you. Mia, you are my whole life.”
Her breath hitched. “I know that’s not true. You have a great life here in LA. I’m not a part of that. I’m not upset—please don’t think I’m angry with you. I mean, I was last night, but I do understand. You have a great life here. I know how much you love surfing. I can’t ask you to give that up.”
I chuckled. “I could surf on the east coast.”
“You’d freeze.”
“There is plenty of surfing over there. I just never was interested in it before and never bothered looking into it. I know you love New York. You’ve been there your entire life. You live and breathe that city. I understand that.”
I gave a long sigh. “I have, and I do love it. It isn’t just because I’m afraid to move. I love the city and the opportunities and the fashion.”
I squeezed her. “I know. I understand.”
“I should finish getting ready. I need to call an Uber to get me to the airport.”
She leaned up to look at me, and I took advantage of it. I kissed her, softly and gently at first, trying to do everything I could to infuse how much I cared for her into the kiss. When she pulled away and looked into my eyes, I could see how sad she was. It felt like she was ripping my heart out. I had done that to her.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered.
She offered a wane smile. “I know. I’m sorry, too.”
I rode with her to the airport and we said our good-byes. I had never truly understood when people used the term “broken heart” until now. My heart hurt as we parted ways. It was an odd feeling. When we had said good-bye in the past, I had been bummed. This was different. I felt as if I were losing a part of me.
I couldn’t live with part of my heart missing. I had to beef up my efforts to find a job. It was up to me to move. I had Sunday off, which gave me a lot of time to search for jobs and homes as well as miss her. She would text me when she landed, but I immediately felt her absence. She was going home and back to work. She would settle back into her life—without me.
On Monday, I called Jaxon, asking him to carve out some time to meet with me. I dressed in business-casual attire and met with him in his office.
“You’re really kind of freaking me out,” he said as soon as he saw me. “What’s this about? You never dress like that or come to my office.”
I shrugged. “I want to talk to you about a proposal, and I need you to take me seriously. I want you to think of me as a guy with a successful show on the station you work for, not as your friend.”
“Oh shit. You want more money, right? You have to know that is not my department. I sell you to other people. I can’t sell you to the owners.”
I nodded my head and sat down in a chair. “Yes, you can. It’s what you do.”
He groaned and sat in the chair behind his desk. “What do you want?”
I smiled. “I want to move to New York.”
“Again? I thought you were over that.”
I shook my head. “I don’t think I’m going to get over it, and I can’t expect her to move here. Her whole life is in New York; it always has been. I can’t ask her to move here.”
He rubbed his eyes. “Brad, I’m not even going to try to talk you out of this. It’s obvious you want this woman. I’m only a little pissed I never got a chance to meet her.”
I chuckled. “We only had a few days together. The last thing we wanted to do was spend time going out for a meet and greet.”
“I’m not just a meet and greet.”
“Anyway, I need some help finding a job over there. I know you know people in the business. Can you reach out and sell me to them?” I asked sincerely.
“I can try. I have a few contacts out there. I make no promises, though.”
I nodded. “That’s all I can ask. Can you give me the stats for the show so I can use them when I apply for these jobs you are going to find me?”
He laughed. “I’m glad you’re so confident in me.”
“I have to be.”
He nodded and punched some buttons on the keyboard before his printer started spitting out papers.
“Here you go,” he said. “I’ll see what I can find.”
“I’ll check in with you tomorrow,” I said, standing, feeling a little better about my predicament.
“That’s not a lot of time.”
“I don’t have a lot of time,” I replied.
“Man, you got it bad,” he murmured.
I did have it bad. I went to my office and beefed up my resume with the new numbers Jaxon had provided. On paper, I looked good. I couldn’t understand why the other station had passed me up. I didn’t have any scandals in my past, and there weren’t any skeletons in my closet that could threaten my career. I was a solid bet.
On Wednesday, Jaxon called me in the morning to let me know he had exhausted all his leads. There was nothing out there. I thanked him and figured it was time for Plan B.
I once again asked for a meeting with Jaxon, and this time with the bosses too.
“You ready for this?” Jaxon asked as we waited outside the conference room.
I nodded. “Ready as I’ll ever be. This is my last chance. You’ve got to help me convince them this is a good thing. They’re still going to make money, and I won’t technically be going anywhere.”
“I get it, I do, but these guys are old school.”
I shrugged a shoulder. “Then now is as good a time as any to get with the times. Satellite is where it’s at.”
He laughed. “You were just bitching about the satellite gig.”
“This is different. I keep my show, my audience, and my home base.”
“Gentlemen, they’re ready for you,” the pretty young receptionist announced.
Jaxon smiled at her, and I knew he was about to lay on the charm. “Not now,” I growled, grabbing his elbow and pulling him away from the woman.
“You suck. She’s gorgeous.”
“She’s also your boss’s daughter.”
“Oh, shit. I didn’t know that.”
I nodded. “Trust me. I fou
nd out the hard way.”
Jaxon laughed. “Glad it was you and not me.”
“It wasn’t anything serious. I had just started flirting when he introduced her. It was a near miss.”
We walked into the conference room, and nerves instantly crept up on me. Thankfully, Jaxon was cool as a cucumber. This was his thing. On the water, I was the cool one with all the confidence in the world, but this was his arena, and I was more than happy to sit back and let him run the show. He was very good at his job.
“Satellite is the way to go. It saves operating costs while giving you maximum exposure. The show has the potential to grow bigger and better, but we have to branch out,” Jaxon said.
He looked at me and silently asked for permission. I nodded my head.
“You need to know that Brad has already been approached about moving to Sirius. If that happens, you are going to be the one buying the show to keep his audience here in LA happy. This is a win-win for you. Brad can work from New York, increasing your audience and, ultimately, your advertising dollars.”
I sat back and waited, watching the reactions of the men across the table. They were hesitant. There were obviously some logistical details that would have to be ironed out, but it could work. I had to make it work. It was my last shot at keeping the show I had built and building my new life with Mia.
At the end of the meeting, I wasn’t given an answer.
As Jaxon and I walked out, he slapped a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t give up yet. Let them crunch the numbers. I think we had two of them convinced.”
I guffawed. “But not the one that counts.”
“Give it time. The old guy doesn’t like change. He’s always reluctant to do anything edgy or different. Don’t push it. Keep doing a good job and increase your listeners. You have to prove to him you’re a valuable commodity.”
“I am a valuable commodity,” I shot back.
He nodded. “I get it. Relax a little. We should know something by early next week. For now, focus on the show. If I hear of any jobs over there, I’ll let you know. You never know when the next scandal is going to pop up. One man’s grabby hands and potty mouth could mean you get your dream job.”
I laughed. “I never thought I would be hoping for someone to get fired, but I am.”
He shrugged. “There’s only one way to get to the top, and that’s by the top thinning out and making room for rising stars.
I nodded my head, thanked him for his help, and headed for my office. I hadn’t told Mia what I was doing. I didn’t want to disappoint her if I couldn’t make it work. I felt a little guilty for keeping something so big from her, but I wanted to make sure I could make it happen before I said anything. Honesty was important to her, and I understood that. I wasn’t lying; I just wasn’t telling her everything.
We had been texting. It was more a checking-in and sharing-our-days thing. I called her after my show every night and talked to her while she lay in bed. I loved hearing the sound of her voice, even if it was from three-thousand miles away.
Chapter Thirty
Mia
My heart felt like a steel ball in my chest pounding against my breastbone as I stared down at my bathroom counter. My world had tilted off its axis. I shook my head, not believing what I was seeing. It couldn’t be real.
“Oh my God,” I muttered, picking up the stick with the two blue lines.
I had gone through the same routine yesterday morning with a different brand of pregnancy test. The result had been the same. I was pregnant. On a whim, I had bought a test on Wednesday. I never expected it to be positive. I couldn’t even explain why I’d been prompted to buy the test. It must have been some kind of intuition. My body just knew.
At first, I had thought it was all in my head. I didn’t believe it was possible. Back when I had first started using the Depo-Provera shot for birth control, the doctor had told me to be aware that it was sometimes difficult for women to get pregnant right away after use was discontinued. She had given me the worst-case scenario. I had gotten it in my head that it would take months of being off the shot before I could even think about trying.
The week before Brad first contacted me, I had been extra busy and hadn’t gone in for my shot. It wasn’t like I’d planned on having a sexual relationship. I had been late with my shot before and been okay, although I hadn’t been having a lot of sex, and when I did, I insisted on condoms. Brad was a different story. It had been innocent flirtation and then he was in my bed in a whirlwind of wild and crazy sex. It never occurred to me that I hadn’t gotten the shot until I started feeling queasy in the morning after returning from LA.
I was pregnant, and I couldn’t believe it was happening. While I’d been telling Brad I wanted a baby, I had already been pregnant. I couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I knew I should be stressed and freaking out, but I would have time for that later. Right now I just wanted to be happy. I knew there were risks and things could go wrong, but at the moment, I was pregnant. I had life growing inside me, and I wanted to take a minute to really enjoy it.
After tossing the pee sticks in a drawer in the bathroom, I got ready for work. I looked at my closet and thought about the new wardrobe I would need to accommodate my growing belly. It also gave me an idea for a new article. Everyone knew maternity fashion was a sorely lacking industry. Maybe I could change that, or at least highlight the designers who did dress pregnant women in a way that made them still feel fashionable and beautiful.
I called my mom on the way into work and asked her to meet me for dinner. I had to tell her my big news. It didn’t seem the right time to tell Brad, but I had to tell someone!
“Hi,” she said when she met me outside the Italian restaurant we had agreed on.
“Hi, Mom,” I said. My excitement must have been obvious.
“What? Tell me,” she said. “What’s happened?”
“Let’s get our table,” I said, wanting her to be sitting down when I told her.
She eyed me suspiciously. “Fine.”
Once we sat down and the waiter had taken our drink orders and gone, she looked at me, questions written all over her face. “What’s up? Tell me.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m pregnant.”
Her mouth fell open. “On purpose?” she asked hesitantly.
I laughed. “No, not exactly, but I’m not upset about it either.”
She was smiling so big I could practically see her molars. “Brad?”
“Yes! Of course Brad. Geez, Mom, I haven’t exactly been bed hopping.”
She giggled. “I just wanted to make sure. It’s never safe to assume anything these days. How far along are you?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know. I would guess only a few weeks. Seriously, it can only be Brad’s, and he’s only been back in my life for a month.”
She was still grinning. “I’m so happy for you.”
Suddenly, I was slapped with an overwhelming sense of sadness. Tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my face before I knew what was happening. What an idiot I had been. I’d let myself fall in love with a man who didn’t love me back. I had been a fool at the age of twenty-four and gotten hurt. That could almost be excusable, but to fall back in love with the same man all over again at thirty-four was just stupid and naïve.
“What’s wrong?” my mom asked. “You are happy about this, right?”
I nodded, not able to speak.
“Does he know?”
“I just found out,” I said, shaking my head. “You’re the first person I’ve told.”
“You two are still talking, right? I thought you said things ended on a much better note than they had when he was here.”
I nodded. “Yes, but, Mom, we can’t get married.”
“Mia, wait. I’m afraid I don’t understand. What’s going on? Is it still the distance thing? If it is, both of you need to realize that love is far more important than any silly job. Both of you are smart, educated, and driven. You can get a job anywhere, and so can
he.”
I took a few deep breaths. “That’s exactly why we can’t get married.”
“Because of the jobs? Please tell me you are not seriously considering giving up on everything because you are too stubborn to look for a new job,” she said with exasperation.
Shrugging a shoulder, I replied, “That is one reason, but mostly it’s because he doesn’t love me. He wants to marry me just to be married. He wants kids to complete his own dreams and goals. I don’t know that he cares who gives him a child or who takes his name. He is so goal-orientate; he just wants to be married.”
“Now that can’t be true, honey. I saw the way you two were together. He cares about you. He looked at you with such tenderness, it made me a little jealous,” she teased.
I scoffed. “You care about a friend. You love your wife and the mother of your child. I have no doubt in my mind that he is fond of me, but that’s not what I want. I want a man who is head over heels in love with me.”
She shrugged. “Sometimes you have to grow to love one another. He may not even recognize his feelings. Has he ever been in love? Maybe he doesn’t know he’s in love with you. You know he didn’t have the best childhood growing up. For some people, love isn’t so easy,” she said.
I didn’t want to wait for him to figure it out. I knew I loved him already. I wanted him to love me for me, not because of some stupid pact. I definitely didn’t want him to really push the marriage thing because I was pregnant. I didn’t want a marriage based on that. I wanted love. If he didn’t know what love was or what it felt like, I was not up for being his guinea pig. It wasn’t like I was an expert in that department anyway. It was just something you knew in your heart.
“I want more. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me and not just care about me as his best friend and the mother of his child.”