by Joey Bush
“So, Laura hooked up with Robert Black. Do you remember him?”
“The guy who worked at Lowe’s?”
“Yes!”
“Isn’t he married?”
“Yes! And, he has like four kids, I think.”
“Wow, what is Laura thinking?” I should call her and say, “Hello pot, this is kettle, I’m black.”
“I think she was drunk the first time. She told me that she ran into him at Adolph’s, the bar out on the Interstate. She knew him, kind of, from church of all places…” She must have noticed my face and realized what she’d said. “Oh shit! I’m sorry!”
I gave her a nervous laugh and the wave of my palm. “Please, don’t walk on eggshells with me. Go on.”
“Okay, so anyways, she said she gave him a blow job in the parking lot that night-”
“Oh my God! She just told you that?” I don’t know why I was surprised. Nothing shocks Carla, and she’s the kind of person that people want to tell everything to.
She giggled. “Yeah, she was disappointed because she said he came in her mouth and then all she got in return was a quick fingering and a thanks.”
“Wow, what a jerk!” I was also thinking, “What a ho!” But honestly, who was I to judge?
“That’s not all. I guess she runs into him a few weeks later at the IHOP, only he’s not alone. He’s with his wife and twelve kids.”
“I thought you said he had four kids?”
“Twelve, four…what the hell is the difference? I’d be willing to bet that four can easily feel like twelve. Do you want to hear the story or not?”
I laughed and told her to go on. The waiter came over to get our orders and once he was gone, Carla continued, “So he corners her by the bathrooms and begs her not to tell his wife. She said she wasn’t planning on it…but she hadn’t been able to get his huge package off her mind. So she tells him to meet her at her place that night and they can ‘talk’ about it.
“Well, he shows up and they don’t talk. They don’t use a condom, either. So guess whose gonna have another kid?”
“Oh! Poor Laura!”
“Yeah well, she should know better, right?”
I thought about Jace and I. Of course he hadn’t had any condoms handy that night. Why would a priest need them? It’s good and bad. Good because I at least knew he wasn’t ready to screw on demand and bad because I was so drunk I let him screw me without a condom.
Leave it to me to get pregnant my first time out. I really am the kettle calling the pot black though, because the next thing I said was,
“Yeah, you would think she would know better. So does his wife know now?”
“Not so far, but I’m watching the drama unfold. I don’t think Laura will sit back quietly and raise the baby alone, so the wife will find out soon enough. I’ve been going to church every Sunday, hoping it’ll happen there.”
“Carla!”
She laughed. “It’s the only excitement we have in our stupid neighborhood, don’t deny me. If it happens somewhere else, I’ll have to hear about it second hand and I’ll never get all of the details.” I just laughed and shook my head at her. She took a sip of her drink and said, “So what’s new with you?”
“Let’s keep talking about you,” I told her with a grin. “I’ll need another margarita or two before it’s my turn. Tell me about the new boyfriend.”
Her face brightened visibly as she said, “Baby girl, this one is it! I’m telling you, he is the sweetest man in the world. He has a real job. He has his own place. He’s never been married, no kids. He’s hot to look at and an animal in the sack!”
I was laughing again. “He sounds perfect. I can’t wait to meet him.”
“He does sound perfect, doesn’t he? At first, I was suspicious. I mean, you know me. I don’t date perfect. I date weirdos who live in mom and dad’s basement and freaks with deviant sexual fetishes.”
“Really? Who had a deviant sexual fetish?”
“Al, remember? The salesman who comes into the diner a couple times a month?”
“Al? The really nice-looking guy who wears the expensive business suits?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.”
“You didn’t tell me you went out with him.”
“Really? Maybe that’s because we only had two dates. The second one ended with us in bed and me getting the hell out of there as fast as I could.”
“I’m afraid to ask…”
“He had two dogs. He loved them both very much…very, very much.” She was curling her lip. I was awfully naïve, so it took me a minute
“You mean he wanted you to…you and the dogs?”
“Yeah, sickening, isn’t it? He thought I would want to be a part of that sick love triangle. I told him I hope one of them bites it off…and then I ran like hell. He hasn’t come back in the diner, thank God! Man I tell you, Daph, I can sure pick ‘em.”
“You do have a history,” I said with a wink, “But the one you have now is good, so you must be getting better.”
“True, Levi is incredible. He makes me feel so special and nobody has ever satisfied me sexually the way he does. Girl, he can go all night. I’m screaming out with my fourth or fifth orgasm before he finally comes. By that time, I’m delirious.”
I had no idea what having sex all night would be like, but I smiled and acted like I was impressed. The waiter brought our meals when she was talking about having four or five orgasms. He grinned and practically had his tongue hanging out when he asked her boobs if he could get them anything else.
She said, “Hey. buddy! I’m up here.” He looked at her face and turned red. Carla winked at him and said, “I think we’re good, but we’ll yell out your name if we need you…Carl.” She said “Carl” in a breath sigh. I think I could see his erection sprout. I couldn’t help it, I giggled. Carl turned bright red and scurried away.
“Carla!” I said, laughing.
“Well, if he can’t take it, he shouldn’t be staring at my boobs. You need your big boy pants on to stare at these babies.” We both laughed at that and then while we ate, she said, “Okay now, it’s your turn. You’re holding out on me. How’s the priest?”
“Shh!” Carla had no idea how loud she talks, and she learned nothing from the waiter that just overheard her. I looked around to make sure the people at the other tables weren’t listening and I said, “Call him Jace here, please.”
She rolled her eyes and in an exaggerated whisper, she said, “Okay, how is Jace?” Then, in another exaggerated whisper, she said, “The priest,” and she cackled. She cracks herself up.
“He’s fine, I guess.” I took a deep breath and continued, “He’s just way too hot to be a… Well, you know…”
“A priest?” she said.
“Carla!”
“I’m sorry, it’s so much dirtier that way.”
“Forget it, I’m not telling you.”
“Oh come on, you big baby. I’m kidding. What happened since I talked to you last?”
Still sulking, I said, “He came over to my apartment and apologized.”
“Well that’s good—anti-climactic, but good, right?” I nodded and she went on to ask, “Did you accept his apology, or did you jump his hot, holy bones?”
“Carla!”
Laughing, she said, “Oh, you know I’m kidding. I’m worried about you, though. When you talk about him, you get this tone in your voice and now I can see the look in your eyes…. You’ve got it bad for him, honey. You should never lose your virginity to a one-night stand. It’s too much pressure.”
“I don’t have ‘feelings’ for him. I barely know him. Maybe what you see is passionate anger. I’m angry with him over this whole thing, and I’m angry with myself. I do not ‘have it bad’ for him.” I stopped talking because she was grinning from ear to ear. “What are you smiling about?”
“Me thinks the lady doth protest too much. This is me, honey. I’m not going to judge you.”
I realized she was right. If there wa
s one person on this earth who wouldn’t judge me, it was Carla. I really needed to talk about this to someone.
I couldn’t even confess it properly to my priest, so I said, “Okay, maybe I fell for him a little…but it’s mostly lust. I don’t know enough about him otherwise to form an opinion—except the priest part and you know what my opinion is of that.”
I took a big drink of my margarita and refilled my glass. Then, I just blurted out, “I can’t stop thinking about him. I even dream about him at night. The dreams are…well, let’s just say if they were movies, they’d be rated X.
“God has to be up there just shaking His head at me…at both of us. I keep hoping that my good Catholic behavior for the past twenty-two years will be enough to save my soul over this.”
Carla wiggled her eyebrows. “So, you want to tell me about these X rated dreams?”
I narrowed my eyes at her and she said, “Oh, honey, please stop being your own worst enemy! I don’t think you’ll be held accountable for every little slip-up. You’re a good person. You’ve been a good Catholic, better than most I know. You haven’t killed anyone or hurt anyone.
“I’m pretty sure that God has already forgiven you. He knows what you’ve been through, and I don’t believe He would deny you a night of reckless abandon.”
Her words warmed my heart. I didn’t believe them, though. She loved me and was just trying to make me feel better, but that was nice. I was already sure that I could count on going straight to hell, but it was nice to know my best friend thought otherwise.
“There’s more,” I said, curling my lip. Confessing to my priest wasn’t a good option; I needed to tell someone what I’d done.
“More? You had sex with him again?” her eyes were shining like that would be a good thing. I shook my head at her and said,
“No, but I almost did. I need a big, fat, scarlet S to wear on my chest.”
It was her turn to roll her eyes. “Whatever—you’re so dramatic. You turned him down this time. There has to be some points in there for you, right?”
I fingered the side of my glass and wondered if I really wanted to admit my shame aloud. Finally, I said, “Um…probably not. I’m the one that came onto him. He turned me down. It was so humiliating.”
Carla was laughing so hard that she choked on her drink. The waiter she embarrassed earlier even came over to see if she was okay. I wanted to choke her myself. When she finally finished laughing, she said, “You go, Daph! Give the girl a taste of some man candy and she can’t get enough!”
In spite of myself, I smiled. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had that thought myself. I loved that crazy girl, but it really wasn’t helping me to talk about it. “Why don’t we change the subject?” I said.
She didn’t look like she wanted to, but she kindly agreed, “Okay…so what are we going to do this weekend?”
“I’m afraid we’re not in the big city anymore. There’s not a lot to do here; there are a few local bars, no big clubs, and there is a canoeing trip with the church tomorrow. It’s in Boston at the harbor. We can drive or take the church bus.”
Carla curled her lip. “All church people?”
“I do think that’s what I mean by ‘a church trip.’”
“Will Father Hot Pants be there?”
“Stop it, Carla! Just calling him that is a sin. But yes, I imagine he will be. Last I heard, there were going to be about sixty people there, though. I’m sure we could manage to not even have to talk to him. It’s something to do, but if you don’t want to…”
She got a sly smile on her face, and I knew what she was thinking. She wanted a look at Jace. “I didn’t say I didn’t want to go. Let’s do it. I don’t want to ride on the bus with the churchy people, though. You know my mouth can’t be still for that long. And, it’s not like they’re going to make me sit through mass, right?”
“No, you only do that when you’re hoping for a dramatic scene between a married man, his wife, and his lover.”
She picked up her margarita and said, “Here, here!” with a grin. She has no shame. It’s part of why I love her so much. I used to want to live vicariously through her. Lately, I’m living more on the edge than she does.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
JACE
It was a gorgeous day for canoeing. The weather was in the low eighties and the humidity was low; I woke up feeling better than I had since the day I found out that Grandma had died.
Part of it was that canoeing was something that my brothers, my grandmother, and I all enjoyed and did together every chance we got. I love the Boston Harbor Islands. They’re great for camping, hiking, or just taking a day trip like we were that day.
I showed up early to World’s End where we would begin our trip. The church allowed me to use their large pick-up truck and trailer to bring up the boats and the other equipment we were going to need for our day trip. I stood in the center of the park and took in a deep breath of the dewy morning air.
The place was such a gem. World’s End is a park that’s part of the Boston Harbor Islands. It’s lovely just to walk through and there’s usually more than one artist with their easels set up, painting the gorgeous landscape of the harbor with the blue sky in the background.
I looked at my watch. It was still about an hour before everyone else was scheduled to start showing up. I started to unload the truck and I’d only gotten one boat out and dragged down to the water when my phone rang. It was Ryan.
“Hey, little bro; what’s up?”
“That’s what I want to know,” he said. “You dropped a couple of bombs on us the day we had lunch and then took off. I’ve tried to call you three times since. What gives?”
“Um…I really don’t have time right now…”
“Nope, no way. You’re not going to hang up on me and then not take my calls again for over a week. You said you got drunk and had sex. I want details.”
“Jesus, Ryan, I never should have said that.”
“Why? Is it not true?”
“No, it’s true…scary true.”
“Shit! My brother the priest is getting more action than me!” he laughed. This is exactly why he is the wrong person for me to talk to about it. He’s going to act like it’s a good thing.
“Ryan, this isn’t funny. This is worse than if I had a spouse and I cheated on her. I broke my vows to God and the Catholic Church.”
“Okay, you’re upset about it, I hear you. But Jace, here’s the deal: you’ve spent your whole life doing what everyone else thinks you’re supposed to do. You chose to be a priest because it’s what Grandma wanted you to do. You were the only one of us who is good enough and she knew it.”
“No Rye, it wasn’t about Grandma. It was a calling and I believed…I believe in it. I made a horrible mistake, and I just don’t want to talk about it like it’s a notch in my bedpost the way it would be for you or for Max.”
“I’m sorry, okay? But I can hear in your voice that you’re torn up about this. You always shut us out and act like you have to deal with everything on your own. You have me and Max—you don’t have to struggle through this by yourself.”
I heard my name being called out. I looked around and saw Lily coming towards me.
“Hey, Rye, I really have to go. I will call you tonight, okay?”
“Promise?” Sometimes he was such a child.
“I promise. I love you, man.”
“I love you, too. You better call me or I’m going to drive over there and kick your pacifist ass.”
I laughed and hung up. If Ryan and I ever got into a fist fight, and that was less than likely, I’d be the one kicking butt.
I looked back up at Lily. She was wearing cut-off jean shorts and a short pair of brown leather hiking boots. Her t-shirt was simple, but it fit her perfectly to show off her womanly curves. She had her hair pulled back into a ponytail and a pair of giant, Jackie O’ sunglasses on. She looked gorgeous, and my body responded. I can’t believe this. All of a sudden I’m acting like a dam
ned man. What the hell is wrong with me?
“Hey, Lily! You’re early.”
“Am I?” she said. It was just after six a.m. I was sure I told her seven. The sun was barely up.
“Yeah, but that’s okay. I’m glad I’m here, so you aren't out here alone.” She came over to me and gave me a hug. That didn’t help my body’s response any, especially because she seemed to hang on a little longer than she should have and, if I’m not mistaken, pressed her chest into mine.
“I was just getting the boats unloaded,” I told her.
“It’s so pretty here,” she observed, looking around at the verdant green grass and the lush umbrella of leafy green trees above our heads.
“Yeah, it’s one of my favorite spots. When I was younger, I would come here with my brothers and Grandma and we’d kayak or canoe or just take a hike and look at the views. There are some stunning ones here and also on the island we’ll end up on.”
“Where are we canoeing to today?”
“We’ll start here and end on Bumpkin Island. I’ve arranged for lunch to be brought out there to us, so we’ll eat and then I have a boat coming to pick everyone up and bring them back here.”
“I heard Bumpkin Island is haunted,” she said, grabbing the other end of the canoe I was carrying and helping me take it down near the water. God help me, but I was watching her breasts bounce as we did. Am I completely ruined now because I got one taste of sex? It was such a good taste, and maybe that was the problem. Sometimes I wish I had been too drunk to remember. “What do you think?” she asked.
“About?” I wasn’t paying attention to a word she said.
She laughed. “What do you think about the island being haunted?”
“Oh, yeah. I’m not one of those people who worry about things like that. There’s a ton of history there, and if you talk to the old Native Americans, they’ll tell you it’s haunted. I don’t think it’s haunted by anything evil, though. I always get a real sense of peace when I’m there. You can ride in my boat. I have holy water.”