He eventually rose from the bed, used the bathroom then collapsed beside her again when he returned.
“You don’t mean it, you know,” she said.
In true Thad fashion he didn’t pretend ignorance of the subject filling the room, dispelling even the potent aroma of their shared sensuality. “Are you really telling me what I feel? I love you. What the hell do you have against that? What do you have against me?”
“You’re such a nice guy.”
“Oh yeah, it makes perfectly good sense that you’d have a problem with that.”
“Don’t be an ass. You know what I mean.”
“No. No. I haven’t a clue what you mean. And why shouldn’t I be an ass? The woman I love just told me I don’t love her. And even worse, she certainly hasn’t said she loves me.”
“Oh for God’s sake, Thad.”
“Nope. You still haven’t said it.”
“You know I’m a mess. I drove the last man that loved me to rehab.”
“You did no such thing. You’ve got this crazy hang-up that you’re responsible for everything. Yeah, you fucked some stuff up. Who hasn’t? Look at me and Gwen…”
“I’d really rather not…”
“You know what I mean. Seriously though. You’ve got to stop kicking your own ass. I mean, I don’t know if it’s part of recovery.”
“I have to own my own shit, if that’s what you mean.”
“Owning your own crap is one thing. Taking responsibility for someone else’s is another thing entirely.”
“You’re a nice guy, Thad.”
He rolled his eyes. “Not this again. You make it sound like I’m a serial killer.”
“Yes, this again. I don’t mean it that way, but you’re really a good guy. You broke up with Solange because you couldn’t deal with the paparazzi. You said yourself that’s the only reason you dated Gwen.”
“Oh yeah. Nice guys make a habit of using people like I did with Gwen.”
“Now who’s owning somebody else’s fuckery? Gwen sounds like she was a head case from the very beginning.”
“What has any of this got to do with us?”
“My life is endless paparazzi. I thought when we let Honeychile go that would be the end of it, but it seems to be worse. They’re all over me and I don’t think they’ll ever go away.”
“I told you. I can deal.”
“Trig thought he could deal too. I can’t take that chance again. The guilt. The guilt almost killed me.”
“I would think that would be my decision.”
Suddenly uncomfortable with her nudity Sioux rose from the bed and pulled on the robe that lay at the foot of her bed. “Why do you have to keep pushing? Why can’t you be good with what we have?”
“Probably because I’m not made that way. When I love a woman I want to have a relationship with her. I would hope she loves me back. Is that too much to ask?”
Sioux began to slowly pace around the room. “No. You’re a great guy, Thad.”
He groaned and flopped back on the bed in disgust.
“No No. I mean it. You’re a great guy and any woman would be happy to have you. But right now I don’t have anything to offer…”
“Did I ask for anything?”
“But is that fair to you. You deserve more than a shell of a woman…”
“Sioux, for fuck’s sake…”
She turned to face him, the setting sun creating a glowing nimbus around her figure. “I’m sorry Thad, but I can’t see you anymore.”
He sat up. The perspiration on his chest glistened like dewdrops along with the golden hair that lightly peppered his body. More than anything she wanted to join him on that bed and forget everything but being with him.
“Are you kidding me?” he asked.
“It’s too much. I just can’t.”
Thad sprang from the bed and began pulling on his clothes with angry movements.
“Just answer one question Sioux. Who is it you don’t believe is capable of having a relationship. You, or me?” And without waiting for an answer he stormed out of her house. To his credit he didn’t slam the door but she could hear the controlled violence in the way he closed it.
She sat down on the edge of the bed as one hot tear carved its way down her cheek. “That’s easy, my love,” she whispered in the echo of his absence. “Me. I don’t trust me. What if I mess this up, too?”
Chapter Nine
Benny stopped talking as Sioux entered the dance studio Kwai was using for her rehearsals. The legendary choreographer cocked one sleek hip with her arms akimbo. Benny was one of the most disciplined people Sioux knew. Though in her fifties now, the woman maintained the dancer’s form she’d premiered on Broadway in her twenties. Her smooth kobicha brown skin was kept wrinkle free probably through sheer force of will with a beauty routine as regimented as her diet. “Please tell me you’re not about to get your no dancing ass in the show,” Benny said.
“Oh no, Benny. I’m just here to watch.” Sioux couldn’t help but wince when the other woman looked relieved. She wasn’t that bad a dancer, though everyone knew Kwai was the best dancer of the three of them. Watching her onstage now with her back up dancers, Sioux was relieved when she didn’t feel the slightest twinge of envy. This was Kwai’s element. She belonged there and always had. Sioux had been worried about feeling jealousy or resentment, but the only thing she actually felt was relief. Even Benny’s comment about her ineptitude at dancing hadn’t stung as it once did. As it had once motivated her to practice until her feet bled and she vomited in exhaustion more than once. It was the truth. It was as Thad had said. She wasn’t a star. She was a musician.
The revelation was so counter to everything she believed about herself it took several moments for her to realize someone else had entered the studio. Trig. He was halfway across the cavernous room to where she was standing in the open area in front of the stage before she even noticed him. With a smile she stepped into his embrace and got her next surprise in what was apparently going to be a day of revelations. Trig was probably one of the most strikingly attractive men she’d ever seen. With his smooth umber toned skin and golden brown eyes he was what wet dreams were made of. Rumor had it that he was on the short list to star in a Marvin Gaye bio-pic. He was born for the role, having the same sensual magnetism as that legendary singer. At one point in her life she would have given anything just to see his puckish grin. Now all she felt was…not nothing, because she definitely still cared about him. But the crazy, all-consuming need for him was gone. Now all she could see was a pair of intensely focused bright hazel eyes that made her feel as though she was the only woman in the world. She shook her head, determined not to think about Thad. It had been two weeks. Soon he’d be gone for nearly a year on the world tour. She knew she’d made the right decision. She was no good for the man. He deserved someone more…whatever. It just wasn’t her. Why couldn’t he see that?
She forced herself to focus on Trig, and wasn’t that a wonder? At one point in her life she could think of little else but this man. The spacious studio didn’t have the best acoustics so she made sure to speak in hushed tones when she addressed him so as not to disturb the rehearsal that was still going on.
“What are you doing here?” Sioux asked. For a moment she wondered if Kwai had set them up. But Kwai wasn’t that stupid. Besides the girl was so busy these days she barely had time to tie her shoes, let alone worry about Sioux’s love life.
“I worked on some of the songs on Kwai’s album. She asked me to stop by to check it out,” Trig said.
Sioux wondered why Kwai hadn’t mentioned that bit of information. Then shrugged. There were a number of perfectly plausible explanations.
“I thought you’d be getting ready to head down to Australia with Storm Crow,” Trig said.
“No, I was only a substitute when Crystal Clear dropped out. Then I got sick…”
“Yeah, I heard about that. Are you better now?” he asked, his brow furrowed in concern.
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“Yeah, I’m good,” she said. And she did feel tremendously better. Physically at least.
“I’m digging your new sound. Your voice blows my mind. Why haven’t I heard you sing like that before? I can’t believe you were holding out on me. I was hoping you were going to be at their club gig at the end of the week so I could hear you live. I have a feeling those YouTube videos aren’t doing you justice.”
Sioux frowned. She hadn’t known Storm Crow had a show. It must have been added to the schedule after she and Thad blew up. Then she remembered something said in passing right after she got sick. This must be the show B.T. was talking about.
“Really? You like my songs?” Sioux couldn’t help the little thrill his words gave her. Trig was an extraordinary producer with an uncanny ability to make a hit out of even the worst song. “Do you have anything for me?” she asked, automatically slipping into artist mode.
“I think I have a few songs you might like. Are you putting together an album? Who’s producing you? Who’s in your band?” he asked in the same vein.
“Slow your roll, partner,” Sioux said with a chuckle. Some things never changed. “Right now I’m producing myself. No band yet, though I guess I need to start looking in that direction. If you know any good people, let me know.”
He frowned. “You know I would love to work with you…” he began with a regretful shake of his head.
She smiled despite the sadness that swelled in her chest. “I know. I know. That would be a bad idea all around. I’m really proud that you got clean. Working with the girl who got you strung out in the first place would not be a good plan.”
Trig cut off a sharp bark of humorless laughter. “Is that what you think? That I started using because of you?”
“Didn’t you? Our relationship was so crazy. So toxic. I was totally out of control. The paparazzi were everywhere. You probably started using just to cope with that level of crazy.”
“You were out of control. Apparently so out of control you didn’t realize that I was too. Nobody can turn you into a junkie, Sioux. I’m surprised you didn’t learn that in rehab. I’m an addict because that’s what I am. Luck of the genes. Personality disorder. Whatever. You didn’t put that pipe in my hand.”
Sioux stared off into space, not really seeing anything while her mind surveyed a montage of their life together. The crazy fights and scenes that were almost nonstop.
“That’s what Thad said,” she said softly.
Trig whistled softly between his teeth. “Thad? Hollister?” Sioux nodded. “So, it’s like that, huh?”
“What?” Obviously she’d revealed more than she intended.
“You and Thad. Everybody is talking about it. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the expression on your face just now.” His tone deepened as he continued. “You used to look at me like that.”
Sioux shook her head. “There might have been something, but now, I just don’t know.” He didn’t respond so she looked up into his face. Trig had such a big personality and his face was usually so animated it was sometimes hard to read his expression, but this time it was easy. He looked sad.
“Scared, huh? I know how that feels, but not taking chances doesn’t make you any less scared. It just leaves you scared and lonely.”
Sioux was surprised by the conviction in those words. The boy she’d loved and played with was long gone. Trig was a man, one who had paid a great price for his new maturity. Maybe she had too. Too high a price.
***
“So what did you think of the show?” Kwai asked from her perch on the edge of the stage. They’d run through the routine endless times until she and her back-up dancers collapsed in a puddle of sweat and begged reprieve from Benny the merciless martinet. They were taking a break now, gulping huge bottles of water while stretching to keep their muscles limber and to prevent injuries.
Sioux stared at her friend. Though she hadn’t left the studio, she’d spent most of her time there a million miles away while she went over the ramifications of what she’d done. Breaking up with Thad had been stupid. Trig was absolutely right, she had herself way overrated. Thad was a grown man with more than adequate defenses against any destructive influences. But right now she had to deal with her friend who was frowning in concern now at Sioux’s non-response.
“You know what I think. You guys are awesome. You’re going to be in the stratosphere,” Sioux said as she noticed her friend studying her very closely.
Kwai shoulders slumped. “Thank God. You had me worried.”
“Worried? About what? Surely you weren’t seriously worried about the show. Hell, Kwai you could do this in your sleep, and if I’m not mistaken you have more than once. What were you worried about?”
“Not the show. I was worried about you.”
“Me? Why were you worried about me? I know you’re not still tripping about me touring with Storm Crow.”
“No, I thought you might, I don’t know. I guess I thought you might be jealous.”
“Of you? Kwai, I love you. You’re my girl and have been for my entire life. I could never be jealous of you. I’m happy for you. You’re doing what you’ve always wanted to do. How could I be jealous?”
Kwai shrugged. “I don’t know. You just seemed so lost there for a minute and I realized that you’d given up something you’d worked for your entire life. If I had to give this up, I know I would die.”
“And that’s the difference between you and me. I’m fine Kwai. Really. Besides I haven’t given up singing. I’ve just stopped being a star, and I’m in a good place. I’m right where I wanted to be. Where I’ve needed to be for years. Now, how are you feeling about all this?”
“So excited I can’t sleep and terrified out of my mind.”
“But you’ve been doing this forever.”
“No. No I haven’t. I was in your shadow. I had somewhere to hide.” She continued when Sioux tried to interrupt, “Yes. I was in your shadow Sioux, and it’s exactly where I wanted to be. You didn’t put me there, you tried to pull me out, but I was too scared so I let you take the lead. And now I know it’s worse than I feared. Being front and center is scary as hell.”
“Let’s not make me into a saint for God’s sake. It’s not like I didn’t want to be out there. I wanted. I needed to be a star. And I scratched and clawed until I got there.”
Kwai flopped back on the stage and lay quietly for a long moment before she started laughing. “Listen to us. Aren’t we supposed to be all Dreamgirls and shit? Sleeping with one another’s men, going behind each other’s back to steal the spotlight.”
Sioux turned up her nose as though smelling a rotten egg. “Ewww. I draw the line at screwing Topher. That’s almost-incest.”
Kwai sat up sharply as though on a puppet master’s string. “Topher? What are you talking about? I never slept with Topher.”
“Uh-huh. That’s not what he said.”
“What the hell…When the hell…No. I’m not going to ask about him. I can’t believe that little bastard is talking about my business like this.”
“Oh, so now he’s your business.”
“Bitch. What about your business?”
Now it was Sioux’s turn to obfuscate. “What business? I don’t have any business. I think I’ve messed up any business I might have had.”
“Really? You looked mighty cozy with Trig. Where did he go, anyway?”
“He left a while ago. Told me tell you the show was great and he’d be in touch. I didn’t know he was writing for you.”
“I didn’t think to tell you.”
“No biggie. It was good to see him. We had a lot to talk about.”
“Oh, did you?” Kwai asked, waggling her brows suggestively.
“Do you do any thinking above your waist?”
“Not if I can help it. The way he was with you I’m sure he’d take you back. Though I can’t believe you want him back. I must admit, the boy is looking damned good these days.”
“Why are
we talking about Trig?”
“Weren’t you when you said you’d messed up?”
“No. I messed that up beyond repair years ago.” Sioux sighed heavily and after considering for a moment she decided to go ahead and share the news even though she knew Kwai was going to have her head for not telling her sooner. She was desperate for someone to talk to. “I was talking about Thad.”
“Thad? But you said…never mind.” She shook her head at Sioux. “What did you do to screw up this relationship you never claimed to be having in the first place?”
“I told him I don’t love him.”
Kwai shrugged. “And? I mean, if you don’t love him…”
“But that’s just the thing. I do.”
Kwai picked up her water bottle and chugged down the last few ounces. “I swear Sioux, you’re the only woman I know who can fuck up a wet dream. I’m too goddamned tired to understand this. If you love the man why did you tell him you didn’t?”
“I didn’t want to mess him up the way I did Trig.”
“Oh for fuck’s sake, you didn’t…” She threw up her hands in disgust. “Never mind. Sioux. Call the boy.”
“What if he won’t talk to me?”
“When did that ever stop you? Hell I don’t want to talk to you. Lying heffa. Call. The. Boy.”
“I was going to tell you about it. It just happened so fast and you’ve been so busy, and I’ve been sick.”
“Oh yeah, it happened so fast you couldn’t send a text: Nailed Guitar Geek. How much time would that have taken?”
“Kwai!” Sioux had never been so happy to hear Benny’s familiar screech in her life.
Kwai rose elegantly to her feet. “Keep your Spanx on. I’m coming. I’m coming,” she barked over her shoulder. Then she turned back to Sioux with an almost compassionate look. “Just call the boy,” she said before rushing back over to the impatient choreographer.
Chapter Ten
“Interesting. Most people know to leave you alone when you don’t return their calls,” Bryan said with a sneer.
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