If I did it slowly, I looked sexy, any faster and my body jerked robotically like I was trying too hard. I honestly doubted any of the men out there would pay to see me dance for them, much less take my clothes off. Almost all the woman seemed prettier, and skinner than I was, their tanned bodies toned and used to dancing on stage.
The heels I’d borrowed from Becca were a half size too small, and my toes already ached, killing my buzz even further. Two more names were called, and I continued to practice my moves, deciding the shoes would be the first to go when I hit the stage. The longer I stared at myself in the mirror, the more nervous I felt, my stomach churning into knots making me nauseous.
The urge to vomit was suddenly at the back of my throat and I bolted from the dressing room, back into the long hallway, searching frantically for a bathroom. None of the doors were marked with numbers or signs, so I tried each knob as I made my way down the hall, hoping that one would lead to a toilet. Four doors down I lucked out, my heels skidding on shiny white tiles as I burst into the foyer of one of the largest bathrooms I’d ever been in.
All four walls were plated with floor to ceiling mirrors, a wraparound lounge starting from the door and extending in a curve around to the first stall. I didn’t want anyone to hear me throwing up so I headed for the stall at the very end, slamming into the swinging door with such force that it banged against the wall and then back out almost catching me in the face.
“Becca!?” I exclaimed as a figure shot up from a backwards straddle on the toilet, her eyes rimmed red when she met my gaze.
This was exactly how we’d met the first time. Her on the toilet, me bursting in.
“Are you okay? Are you crying? What happened?!” I asked in alarm, my nausea suddenly forgotten as I took in the four lines of bright white powder on the back of the stool.
“It makes my eyes water… Not crying,” she coughed and then sniffled before dabbing a wad of tissue into each of her nostrils.
“You do coke too?” I whispered, my eyes still on those thin white lines.
“Only when I work here….self-confidence issues and all that,” she shrugged, pointing to a stack of cash sitting on the chair in the corner of the stall. “It helps make me more money so…”
“You…? Self—conscious…? Why?!” I asked in disbelief, my eyes running over her naturally thin body.
She looked just liked all the other girls I’d wished to look like in the past. Long legs, narrow hips, a tiny waist, and ittty bitty titties that turned upward in a point would have made her my dream girl if I were gay.
“You nervous about going out there?” she changed the subject, her eyes studying my face now.
“Can you tell?” I answered with a hint of sarcasm in my voice, my stomach once again in knots. “I came in here to throw up.”
“Try some…” Becca offered, gesturing to the lines of coke. “It will take away the nervousness…and then some…”
And then some… This was definitely bad…
I’d never known anyone who did coke, but I’d seen enough movies to know that it wasn’t shit I’d ever wanted to try. Junkies used coke, and I was no junkie. Sure I’d gotten through the last few days, popping pills that probably required a prescription, but that was totally different.
“I…I…don’t think so,” I murmured, my hand over my stomach as my throat grew tight once again.
“Eve…”
“Becca please…I just…it’s not me,” I shrugged, my eyes lowering to the floor at the betrayed look she gave me.
“Trust me…” she whispered, a lost look in her eyes for just a moment. “You’re going to need it. Your first time is… Well…you’ll see.”
My first time…what did she mean? Had something happened her first time…something bad…?
My body was trembling too hard to hold back the wave of nausea any longer. I heaved as I stumbled towards the toilet, my stomach relieving itself of everything I’d eaten since breakfast. My hands were trembling, my face flushed and covered in a thin sheen of sweat. I couldn’t go out there…!
“It’s okay… It’s okay,” Becca crooned in my ear, her fingers pulling back my hair so that none of the loose strands stuck to my mouth.
My bottom lip trembled as she helped me up, my thighs wrapping around the bowl in a backwards straddle. My exposed butt cheeks suddenly cooled as I settled against the porcelain, my shoulders lowered in resign. I didn’t want to do it…but…I needed something.
My head lowered with the help of Becca’s soft hand on the back of my neck, my right index finger lifting to press down my right nostril. I inhaled the first thin white line in a hard stiff, an instant burn numbing every nerve from the tip of my nose to the point of my inherited widow’s peak. Two blinks and I was free falling, yet still sitting there, my mind thanking me for the release. It was all so fast! My head was light, my body was weightless, I could feel the twitch of my eyes inside their sockets taking in this new and sudden me.
“Feels good to chase that dragon for the very first time right..?” Becca giggled softly, her hand sliding to my shoulder.
The thump of the music coming from the club somehow moved me, my hips gyrating slowly into a rocking twist. I could feel her watching me, a smile somewhere on her pretty face, but I didn’t care that she’d been right. I needed this.
My hands no longer trembled, my legs weren’t wobbly when I stood, and I suddenly felt like I wanted to sing the alphabet song as loud as I could. I was Eden tonight –vixen extraordinaire. That’s what these old men wanted…wasn’t it? An illusion…
“Eden to Main Stage…” the intercom squawked, and a dopey smile spread across my face.
Ten minutes…Shit…the way I felt, I could go all night long…being sexualized…admired…
“Meet you in the back…” Becca murmured, taking the spot on the toilet I’d just vacated.
“Showtime” I whispered as I exited the bathroom, my hips swaying in time to the music.
Eve now Eden…I liked it.
Chapter 10*
Twelve hundred dollars in three hours!
I’d walked out of the club with a thousand dollars in my pocket after paying the house, and I hadn’t even danced the whole night. While Becca had stayed on stage, racking up more than double what I’d made, I’d enjoyed the last of my dragon chasing high at the bar, sipping on a couple complimentary drinks. I’d pictured going back to my room and wallowing in the loose bills, like they did in the movies, but Becca had other plans and we were now heading out of the city in her car. Two of the strippers from the club, Molly and Madison had joined us for the ride, both of them in the backseat while I rode shotgun.
We’d been driving for forty five minutes and were well out of the city before Becca finally turned off on a side road. I’d thought briefly about the coke we’d snorted in the bathroom –before getting in the car—considering the fact that she at least still had a little buzz, but she seemed steady enough to drive without my reminding her that we’d both just gotten high only hours before. Up and around a winding road we went, the cool breeze from the night air whipping my hair about my face so that the ends stung my cheeks and bare shoulders. I’d never been this far out and had no clue where we were going, but I didn’t have to wonder long. Another turn onto a dirt road this time, and we stopped when the road ended.
A quick glance into the darkness ahead told me that not only did the road end, but so did the earth beneath us. We were high up on some sort of cliff, the lights of the city far enough away that they’d lost their twinkle and now simply glowed like a single beacon in the distance. The radio had been blasting since we pulled out of the club parking lot, and Becca turned it down now, releasing her seat belt so that she could reach over into the glove box.
“Hand me that book on the floor?” she asked as she extracted a quarter filled Ziploc bag of the bright white powder I’d snorted earlier.
“Yummy!” Molly and Madison chimed together, and my eyes rolled in the darkness, my hands sea
rching around my feet for the book.
“Business and Finance For Dummies,” I read the title as I handed it to her, watching as she set it on the armrest between us.
Molly and Madison were busy giggling at each other in the back, but they still weren’t distracting enough for me to be completely honest with Becca. I didn’t want to snort anymore coke. It was a one—time thing, just like stripping had been, and besides it scared me. It was too beautiful, too pure, too enticing for me to resist if I did it more than once. I could feel it in my bones, already an ache to fly high just one more time… My mouth watered as she poured a mound of the powder onto the book cover, separating it into lines with a single dollar bill she pulled from her stuffed purse. There were four of us in the car, so I knew one of those lines was meant for me.
Katy Perry’s song “Firework” played in the background, the lyrics tickling the almost non-existent buzz I still had. Only because I didn’t want to be the Debbie Downer of the bunch did I lower my head after the other three had finished, my right index finger once again pressing my right nostril closed as I inhaled hard and fast. Becca was smiling at me, singing along with the words, watching me as I sat back slowly, my head resting against the seat.
Another mound of powder was poured, and once again the three of them went first, rubbing a bit on their gums before inhaling the rest quickly. I followed suit, my tongue and the inside of my cheeks tingling as I swallowed hard before inhaling my second line. Heaven…it had to feel like this.
Everything that had happened over the last few days suddenly didn’t matter. My body was numb, my mind even more numb. My head emptied and I turned around to stare blatantly at the two girls kissing in the back. Their mouths seemed to move in slow motion, one pink, one red, the colors mixing to form crimson lip prints on the other’s skin. Becca was speaking but I couldn’t separate my gaze long enough to accurately use my hearing. Maybe this was how it was meant to be all along…women with women…men with men. I was suddenly curious.
A tug on my arm felt disconnected, but I followed Becca in slow motion, opening the passenger side door and climbing out. The grass was cool beneath my bare feet, each blade caressing my toes as I walked behind her to the edge of the cliff, my arms stretched into the night. My face lifted to follow her stare and I smiled back at the bright white Cheshire cat shaped grin pinned way up in the black sky. It was if it had been put there only for me. Becca wandered and I followed like a puppy, down into a thicket of trees that lay to our left.
We were in our own little dark cocoon, her arms wrapping around my waist, pulling me down with her so that we both lay in a bed of pine needles. I faced her, our legs entwined and our bellies pressed together as if we’d done this our entire lives. My skin craved the touch of her fingertips on my face, and before I could ask, she reached. My breath held as she traced along the line of my chin, up to my cheek, and then across to my bottom lip. My mouth opened slightly and I exhaled as her soft mouth closed over mine.
So this is what it felt like…kissing a girl. Warm, soft, pulling…her tongue pushed and I gave with a tiny moan, my hand crossing over to cup her lower back. Her lips trailed lower, and my hand moved higher, desperate to feel her skin beneath my fingertips. Is this how it feels to be loved…? If so…I liked it.
She was on top of me now, her hips grinding against me so slowly that I could feel the wetness pooling in my borrowed bottoms. Her kisses became more needy, her teeth nicking and biting their way down my neck and to my partially exposed breasts. My mouth opened to protest. Did I want this…?
Only a sigh escaped, the feel of her tiny fingers pushing my panties aside to part my sex multiplying my high times ten.
Yes… Yes I did.
**********
I don’t know how long we lay there, our naked bodies exposed to the world, but when my eyes drifted open I could see the first hints of dawn through the tree tops. I could also see the newly formed cellulite dimples that dotted my upper thighs. I dressed before waking Becca, my high long gone. I couldn’t look at her, so I walked ahead, letting her dress in private.
Just because it feels good, doesn’t make it right…
My mother’s words plagued me as I climbed quietly back into the car, careful not to disturb the two naked strippers in the back. What had I done…?
I’d been raised in the Baptists faith my entire life, and the Bible was pretty clear on right and wrong when it came to homosexuality. Was it wrong…or was I? What would my parents say if they knew what I’d been doing the last few days? What would they think?
I didn’t speak as Becca climbed in the car, her sunshades already hiding her bright green eyes from me. I didn’t know what to say. Last night was a one—time thing…? Of course it was! Just like stripping and coke… It wasn’t going to happen again.
Twenty minutes into our drive home Molly woke up, and then Madison, both of them just as bubbly and smiling as they’d been the night before. Having them awake and fully dressed again lessened the thick band of tension that seemed to be separating Becca and me, and I finally relaxed a little. With my face turned towards the open window, I let the sun warm my skin as I listened to their idle chatter.
Most of it was talk about the new girls Troy had brought on at the strip club, and the rest was about people I’d never even met. Somebody’s daughter’s best friend had gotten pregnant by her sister’s boyfriend, and that’s where I got lost. For the rest of the drive, my mind, for the first time in days completely sober, tried to make sense of how this had all happened.
I wasn’t that stripper who’d been on stage last night, displaying and then grabbing her private parts seductively for all to see. I wasn’t that junkie acting lunatic that had sniffed coke off the back of a public toilet just because she’d been told to do so. I wasn’t that skinny chic that had woken up in my bed with her deepest wish granted, but I knew I also wasn’t that fat girl I’d grown up as my entire life. At this point I wasn’t sure who I was, or who I was meant to be.
The Sweet Spot parking lot was empty when we finally pulled in, its late night patrons long gone. Becca parked beside the only other car there, waiting for Madison and Molly to get out before she removed her sunglasses and looked at me directly.
“Did I do something wrong…?” she whispered, her hand closing over mine, her eyes searching my face.
I still couldn’t look at her, my gaze instead fixed on the tiny flower shaped pendant she wore around her neck.
“It’s…it’s not you,” I replied, my voice so low that I barely heard myself. “I’m just…confused I guess. Last night was…”
“I enjoyed it…but…I’m not that way if that’s what you’re thinking,” Becca interrupted me, and I finally met her gaze.
“You’re not…?” I breathed a little more easily now, spreading my fingers so that hers linked in mine.
“No…I mean…being with a woman is a feeling that I’ll never forget, but…you were my first, and...I love men,” she shrugged, a tiny smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “Is that what’s bothering you? You thought we were an item now or something because we…”
“No! I mean...no,” I corrected, my voice softer that it had been at first. “I didn’t know what to think. Being with you… I’ve never experienced anything like that before. You made me feel…”
I swallowed hard as the last word stuck in my throat. She was my friend…I could be honest with her right?
“Loved…” I sighed in embarrassment, my eyes lowering once again.
“That’s how I felt too!” Becca whispered, her fingers squeezing mine now. “I’ve dated lots of guys, and none of them have made me feel that way. None of them have made love to me the way you did last night. We were curious and now our curiosity is satisfied….right? I don’t know about you, but I’m still holding out hope for Mr. Right to come along any day now,” she laughed, her eyes rolling in exasperation.
“And until then…?” I asked, laughing with her now.
“Friends�
��?”she suggested, a coy smile on her face. “With benefits,” she added, ducking from the playful smack I gave her shoulder.
“Kidding! Just kidding!” she held up her hands in surrender before retrieving the book that had fallen between the console and the seat.
It was relief instead of dread that swept through me when she poured the last little bit of powder from the Ziploc bag she’d stuffed in the glove box the night before. The dragon had been calling my name since I’d first opened my eyes, and I was ready for the chase. I just needed a little fix…just enough to clear my mind and get my day started on a light note.
One hard sniff and everything was beautiful again.
Chapter 11*
I was running ten minutes late for my first day of Thermodynamcis by the time I made it back to my room, winded by the short jog from the parking lot to the sixth floor. I was heavier, I could feel it. The zipper on the sequined mini skirt I still wore had popped the second my foot hit the first step. By the third floor I could feel my stomach jiggling as I ran. Peeling out of the clothes wasn’t an option. They were stuck fast.
My keys landed on my desk with a bang, a pair of scissors in my hand as I headed straight for the scale. I cut as the numbers beeped steadily upward, pieces of black thread and fake beads falling onto the carpet around me.
One forty-seven… One forty-nine… “Come on…slow down…!” I hissed as I rid myself of the bra top next.
One fifty-one… One fifty-six… “Holy fuck!” I shed my panties as fast as I could, my hands clamped to my sides as if to make myself smaller.
One fifty nine… I exhaled every molecule of air I had in my lungs, my body tense as the beeping of the scale paused for a moment.
One-sixty…beep…beep…beep! Shit…! Another twenty something pounds…FUCK!
My legs trembled as I stepped from the scale slowly, my eyes lifting to the mirror from the bottom up. I had no choice. I had to see…
Sturdy calves led to slightly thick thighs, the softness of them evident when I moved my hips back and forth. The cellulite that I’d noticed this morning, was more prominent under the harsh fluorescent lighting in my room and I counted every dimple, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I caught sight of my marred butt cheeks. My slight belly had turned into a pooch that sagged slightly, love handles prominent on both sides. The small round mounds I’d flaunted just last night had ballooned at least a cup size, now heavy and full without the restrictions of a bra. My neck seemed thicker, and so did my chin, my face just round enough to remind me of what I’d looked like at ten. Pudgy…
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