Warner stared at the whiskey bottle, then began peeling off the label. Why in God’s name had she done it? She’d made a monumental decision for them both, a decision that killed their child and probably denied their chance for others and she hadn’t bothered to consult him. His rage rose again but didn’t break the surface; he was too numbed by the drink.
Their chance of a family was destroyed. No children. Not now – not ever. He couldn’t decide which was more heartbreaking – the fact that they’d never have children, or her deception.
How could she have done this? The answer seemed simple; she had done it for her own selfish reasons. Otherwise, she would have confided in him. Politically, he preached that it was a woman’s right to choose what to do with her body. But didn’t husbands have rights too? Hadn’t they discussed this time and again?
For years, his father, Edmund, had warned him. “Don’t trust women. Especially smart women. Carolyn isn’t the exception, she’s the rule.”
How stupid could he have been? Warner grasped the Waterford glass so tightly it began to crack. He thew it hard against the wall.
The door to his den burst open. “I heard a noise. sir. Are you all right?” Maria, the housekeeper. hurried over to the crystal shards on the floor. “I’ll clean this up for you. sir.”
“I’m fine. Maria. Just leave it. You can get it tomorrow.”
Maria started for the door. “It’ll only take me a minute. Not to worry. sir. I’ll get the dust pan-”
“I said, leave it!”
Maria stopped, startled by his outburst. “Yes, sir.” She paused. “Everyone is looking for you. I’ll call Mrs. Lane. She’s been worried.”
“Don’t call her.”
“Oh. but sir she’s so worried.”
“You heard me. Maria. Do not call her.” He softened his voice. “I’ll do it myself. But thank you for offering.”
“Can I get you anything before I leave?”
“No. Thank you. Go home and have a nice evening. I’ll call Mrs. Lane at the office. I’m sure she’ll be home soon.”
Maria gave him a weak smile. “Good night, sir.” She backed out of the room.
“Good night.” Warner glanced at his watch. Eight-thirty. Should he call Carolyn? What could he possibly say to her? Why did you do it? He couldn’t imagine a reason he could forgive. He placed his hands over his face. If only she’d told him about the pregnancy. They’d already be parents. He’d be a father. Warner slammed his fist on the desk. Deception twisted his thoughts and shredded his love for his wife.
A half hour later, he heard the door to his office open. He lifted his gaze.
Carolyn stood in the doorway, arms akimbo, a look of concern on her face. “Where have you been all day? Your office has been in an uproar. They expected you this morning. You missed a full schedule of appointments.”
“I needed some time alone. I went driving. Who told you I was home?”
“No one. I’ve been worried sick all day, and all you can say is that you went for a drive?” Carolyn glanced over at the shattered glass on the floor. “What happened in here?”
Warner glared at her.
She frowned back. “What’s wrong with you tonight?”
“None of your damn business!”
Startled, Carolyn hesitated. “Warner, are you drunk?”
“Not drunk enough.” He took a long pull from the bottle of Jack Daniels.
She approached his desk, her voice calm and soft. “Please, honey, tell me what’s wrong. You’re scaring me. You look awful. What happened?”
Warner leveled a gaze at her. “Why did you do it?
“Do what?” She reached out to caress his face, but he pulled away.
“Why did you kill our baby?”
The color in her face drained so quickly it would have frightened him if he hadn’t been struggling to control his rage. Her hand shook as she tucked a stray hair behind her ear. She looked as though he’d struck her, but he was beyond caring.
“For God’s sake. Carolyn, answer me.”
“I – I don’t know what to say.” She found a chair, her body automatically folding into it.
“You aborted our baby. You didn’t bother to discuss it with me, and now you don’t know what to say?”
“Who told you?” Tears filled her dark eyes. She blinked them back.
“Does it matter? You not only destroyed our child, but any chances of having other children.” God he hated her.
“Of course. You golfed with Forrest today. So much for doctor-patient confidentiality. What did you do, get him drunk?” She gave a humorless laugh that ended with a sob.
Pain raced through him at her response. When had she lost her trust in him? “He assumed I knew. It’s a natural assumption. I’m your husband, for God’s sake.”
“You need to understand-”
“I’d like to understand,” he interrupted. “I’d like to understand a lot of things, like why did you do this? And why didn’t you talk to me about it? Damn you, this is my life too.”
“I don’t know what Forrest told you, but you have to know how awkward it would have been.”
“Awkward. What do you mean?”
“We weren’t married. Or did the good doctor neglect to mention that part? My God, we’d been dating less than two months. I couldn’t possibly have told you. I was scared to death of losing you, or worse, making you feel trapped into marrying me. I wanted you to love me for myself, not out of some sense of obligation. And there was your political career to think of. It was the only decision I could have made, don’t you see?” Tears ran down her cheeks. Her body shook. “Please, you have to understand. I love you. I don’t want to lose you over this.”
“That was twelve years ago! Why the hell didn’t you talk to me about it? I had to find out like this. I don’t understand, not at all. I trusted you. I trusted you with every part of myself. My God. I married you two years after this happened. You knew then that you couldn’t have kids, and I’m supposed to live with that?”
“Please, please calm down.” she begged. “I know when you look at this logically, you’ll understand.”
“You deceived me twelve years ago. and you’ve lied during our entire marriage.” He stood and towered over her, his fists clenched. “It’s unforgivable.”
She sat in her chair, sobbing. “No, please. Until Forrest did the testing. I didn’t know I couldn’t have children-”
“And I’m supposed to believe that? How could you do this to me? To us? You lying, conniving-” He raised his hand.
Carolyn flinched, her face streaked with tears.
Her reaction stopped him. He glanced at his threatening fist. My God, I’m becoming my father. He dropped his arm to his side. His heart felt like the glass he’d shattered, betrayal cutting him deep.
FOUR
August, 1990 – Jefferson City, Missouri
Carolyn Alden Lane perched on the edge of the bed. The inky pitch of the moonless night mirrored her mood. Tired of sitting in the dark. she set her bedside lamp on dim and glanced at the clock: 2:07 A.M.
Lightning spiked the sky along the distant horizon. A gust milled the bishop-sleeve curtains that arched over the open window and a chill skittered across Carolyn’s arms and legs, raising gooseflesh. She gritted her teeth against the draft, refusing to give in to a wrap.
Mahogany wood furnishings loomed against the bedroom walls like sentries guarding the secret of her failed marriage. The shimmering satin comforter lay folded at the foot of their four-poster, a romantic touch that had long ago been dismissed.
Carolyn studied Warner, relaxed in sleep. The blended smells of aged bourbon, cigar smoke. and cologne surrounded him like a fragrant tapestry. His tousled dark hair added to his youthful appeal, belying his true age of thirty-nine.
For a year now. The battleground of their marriage survived in a state of ceasefire with each of them living separate lives. Warner found many reasons to stay in Washington, even when Congress recessed. N
ow, he lay beside her, a handsome stranger.
Senator Warner Hamilton Lane , she thought. I am so sorry. If only she could go back and change things, fix the multitude of mistakes she’d made.
How could a woman so adept at navigating her professional life be so deficient in her personal life? Deficient. She laughed to herself. What an understatement.
She crept out of bed and wandered around the spacious master suite. Her heart ached from the pain she’d caused. Exhaling unevenly, she looked across the room at Warner’s sport coat. Until now, she’d avoided the truth, but she knew she couldn’t any longer. The evidence of his infidelity existed, and she had found it.
Walking toward the desk, she stared at the sport coat draped over the chair. She slipped her fingers into the breast pocket, then pulled her hand back as if scorched. Carolyn bit into her lower lip, then glanced at Warner.
A soft snore escaped his lips as he rolled over.
Sliding her fingers back into his coat pocket. she pinched a corner of the note and pulled it free. With trembling hands, she unfolded the paper and read it again.
Dear Warner,
The flowers were beautiful, the dinner marvelous, and the dessert, as you know, my favorite. (Four times! How did I get so lucky?)
Perfume assaulted Carolyn’s nose as she read on:
But seriously, darling, I must tell you that when you’re not with me, I long for your touch. At night I lie with my face on your pillow, comforted by your essence. I dream of a time when we will finally be together every day. And I pray that it won’t be long.
Until next time, I’ll be missing you.
Love, Cindy
The note wasn’t any easier to read a second time, she thought. Carolyn knew why Warner had done this, but his betrayal still pierced her. She dropped the note to the floor, then crumpled onto the desk chair as the impact of her discovery finally registered.
She covered her face with her hands, giving in to the tears that wet her cheeks and palms. She’d had the best in a man and a marriage, but she’d destroyed it all. She had no one to blame but herself.
At the time, she’d thought she had little choice about having an abortion. A worm of guilt gnawed at her. She still mourned the loss of her baby, even though she’d believed that it had been the right thing to do. Now, she was no longer convinced.
Considering the child’s father, she thought giving birth would have been selfish. But maybe she’d underestimated her own strength and Warner’s love. Could she and Warner have made a life, a family, regardless of the power of the child’s biological father? The guilt bore deeper into her conscience. She’d never given Warner a chance, never given their relationship the faith and trust it had deserved.
Even if it meant losing him, she should have been forthright from the beginning. Should she tell Warner the truth about the abortion now? After all these years, she knew that he’d never accept the whole story – that the pregnancy was from a previous relationship. And he’d only despise her more if he knew who the real father had been. No, she couldn’t tell him.
Abortion. The word echoed in her mind. That single event had destroyed her marriage, her life.
Guilt and grief overcame her. No longer could she stifle her sobs. Her stomach roiled. Carolyn dashed into the bathroom. After vomiting, she splashed cold water on her face and stared at her reflection.
The world saw a poised and elegant, thirty-five-year-old assistant district attorney, a successful woman with a happy marriage and a golden path before her. She knew she was nothing but a vulnerable, flawed woman who struggled to maintain the self-assurance expected of one the youngest wives of a United States senator.
Everyone assumed she had it all, but her life was a grotesque fairytale. Only she seemed able to see the truth – she had an image built upon air. Carolyn turned away from her reflection in disgust and returned to the bedroom.
Warner still slept soundly, no doubt due to his indulgence in bourbon.
Carolyn stared down at the note as she stood in the doorway. Who was this woman? How long had they been seeing each other? Long enough that she dreamed of the time when they could be together every day, Carolyn thought. Oh my God, what if she lost him? Her legs wobbled beneath her, and she grasped the door casing for support. Over my dead body.
Warner was her entire life, her only family. Her gaze trailed from the note to his face. He was so handsome, it made her ache. They hadn’t made love in almost a year. Now, she understood why.
Regardless of his affair, she loved him deeply. She couldn’t divorce Warner; she wasn’t capable of it, despite his betrayal. Not only would her marriage be destroyed, but so would her life. Their professional lives were so intertwined with their personal lives that one didn’t exist without the other.
Should she confront him about his affair? Her first impulse was to wake him and yell and scream. Emotional, she thought, too emotional and definitely not smart. A confrontation might force a decision that would be detrimental to them both. No. The subject was better left alone until she could decide on the right approach.
She crossed the room and snatched the offending piece of paper off the floor. She folded it neatly, opened the top drawer of her lingerie chest, and placed it in a tray at the back. She wasn’t sure why she took the note, except that she couldn’t stand the thought of him keeping it. Yet, she couldn’t destroy it. If nothing else, this painful piece of evidence grounded her in reality.
Her emotional considerations aside, his behavior was jeopardizing his political future. Their future. Warner was a powerful man. and Carolyn knew that powerful men required special handling.
She eased back into bed and pulled the covers up under her chin, determined to rest for the few remaining hours of the night.
FIVE
The sound of the alarm clock came as a relief. Carolyn looked over at Warner. “Time to wake up.”
“What?” he murmured groggily.
“It’s time to get up.” She smoothed a lock of hair from his forehead. “We’ve got church this morning. We’re running late. You’d better hurry.”
He shrugged away from her. “I flew in late last night. Let’s skip church.”
“No way,” she said. “Your father wants us to appear in church together every Sunday that you’re in town, and you wouldn’t want to disappoint him. So get out of bed and get in the shower.” Carolyn crossed the room to the walk-in closet. “Besides, you have to give a speech today at the opening of the State Fair. We need the press coverage. The speech is on the desk in your study. You should go over it before church.”
“Who’s going to be there?” Warner yawned.
“The local big-wigs. Senator Rudly. Miss Missouri. She should bring in a big crowd.”
A half-hour later, Carolyn watched in silence as Warner stood behind his antique desk, reading the speech she’d written. His staff had provided her with some notes, then she expanded the text. adding the fire, the voice, the true agenda.
Warner raised his eyes to meet hers.
“Let me hear it.” Carolyn prompted. The habit of critiquing his delivery was a tradition between them.
Warner recited the script verbatim, never once referencing the pages before him. He was truly amazing, she thought nodding her approval. With his photographic memory and her writing skill, they’d already accomplished a great deal.
***
After church. Warner took his usual spot in the front seat of the Lincoln with State Trooper Harry Masterson from their special security detail. Carolyn relaxed in the back.
“Church ran over today,” Warner said. “It’s about an hour to Sedalia. We’re going to be late to the fair.”
“Don’t worry about it. They’ll wait for you.” Carolyn said. “Besides. I thought the sermon was excellent.”
Warner ignored her and wondered why she had insisted on coining to the fair. He’d always made these appearances on his own.
***
The fairgrounds amphitheater offered no shade and
radiated the sun’s glare. Regardless of the swelter that rose in waves off the stage, Warner knew he looked cool and relaxed.
He placed his hand over his eyes to block the sun and glanced at Carolyn. She dutifully stood off to the side with her politician’s wife’s half-smile. her brown eyes bright seeming enraptured by his message. Beautiful in a light blue linen suit with a cream-colored silk blouse. Carolyn winked when she caught his eye, then suddenly frowned. He followed her gaze into the crowd.
Warner saw his political nemesis. Patrick Dunfey, just before he heard him.
“ Senator Lane, tell us about your real politics.” Dunfey yelled. “You’re not for the working man. You’re for making the rich richer.”
Warner maintained his composure. Experience told him the only way to deal effectively with a political heckler like Dunfey was to meet the problem head-on. “Mr. Dunfey, what’s your specific question?”
“Why don’t you explain how building an extravagant airport with the taxpayers’ money will make you and your big money friends richer.”
“Thank you, Mr. Dunfey, for that question.” Warner responded. “As you all know, everything I do is always in the best interest of both the State of Missouri and her people. The new airport is a critical step toward making our state stronger economically by encouraging industry and tourism. We need to keep up with the times in order to compete in today’s marketplace. The construction alone will bring twenty thousand new jobs to the area. I believe-”
“Could you tell us how having a mistress fits into your idea of personal responsibility and family values?” Dunfey interrupted.
Warner’s smooth smile cloaked his shock and anger.
Carolyn walked over and took her husband’s hand.
Thank God for Carolyn; she knows exactly how to react. Warner dared a look in her direction.
With flushed cheeks she smiled up at him. but the smile didn’t reach her eyes.
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