“Whoa.” Paige flared up a fireball and moved next to Jed. “Scary looking dude.”
The man’s gaze flicked to Paige and raked up her body, then he nodded and gestured into the room he’d just walked out of. “You’ll do. Come on in.”
“She’ll do? For what?” Jed clamped his hand down on Paige’s arm as she started to saunter toward the door. “What are you talking about?”
The shadow warrior frowned, and he finally noticed Jed. His eyes narrowed. “What do you want?”
“My brother is the shadow warrior you tapped. I want you to let him go.”
The man’s eyes narrowed with sudden hostility. “You’re related to Rafi?”
“Yeah. You’re killing him.”
“Well, what the hell do you think he’s doing to me? I’m supposed to be moving into my golden years of retirement, and instead, he’s going to kill me. Ungrateful son of a bitch.” He snapped his fingers at Paige. “Get in here. I don’t know how much time I’ve got left. Sheets are clean—”
Paige grinned. “You think I’m here to have sex with you?” She sounded thoroughly amused, though Jed wasn’t feeling the humor. “There’s so little chance of that, it’s not even funny. Well, it is funny, because you’re so completely wrong.”
The shadow warrior frowned. “You’re not here to have sex with me?”
“No. Of course not. We—”
He slammed the bedroom door in their face, and they heard the creak of bedsprings as he apparently threw himself back onto the bed.
Jed shoved the door open and stepped inside, then nearly backed right out when he realized the room was packed full of shadowy, threatening figures, shimmering somewhere between life and nothingness. The shadow warrior was stretched out on the bed, watching television.
“Holy cow. These are like yours, Jed,” Paige said as she leaned around him.
“My what?”
“The souls in you. These are the souls of the people he killed, waiting for the rest of their souls back.” Paige stepped in the room. “Hello, everyone. Are any of you from heaven? If so, I’d like to make a deal with you.”
The figures shimmered around and through her, fading when she walked through them. “No one from heaven?” She set her hands on her hips. “Chatty bunch, eh?”
The shadow warrior glanced up at her. “You sure you don’t want to have sex? I’m trying to have a last hurrah before I get sucked into a deep-ass vortex in hell because I’m going to die instead of passing on the legacy.”
Jed frowned and stepped in past the flickering image of a woman who was reaching out for him. “What vortex?”
The shadow warrior looked at him. “Why are you bothering me?”
“Because I’m trying to figure out how to save my brother.”
“Oh.” The shadow warrior sat up. “If you saved him, it would save me, eh?”
Jed caught a whiff of body odor that made him wince. “Yeah, probably.”
“Fantastic!” The shadow warrior hopped out of the bed with sudden energy and rushed through the hovering ghosts and bolted into the bathroom. He came out squeezing toothpaste onto a bright yellow toothbrush. “My name’s Bandit.”
“Bandit?” Paige eyed him. “What kind of a name is that?”
Bandit shoved the toothbrush in his mouth and hucked the tube over his shoulder into the bathroom where it hit the mirror and clattered to the floor. “I named myself in honor of my illustrious career as an art thief. Do you have any idea how easy it is to steal things in shadow form?”
She glanced at the cracks in the window next to his bed. “Shouldn’t you be living in some palace or something? I mean, if you’re such a good thief.”
“Gambling addiction. It’s a bitch. Plus rent control keeps me in a nice neighborhood. Just can’t afford to keep up with the knickknack crap.” Bandit swept a pizza box off the dingy gray quilt on his bed and patted it. “Sit, sit. Let’s talk. What’s your plan?”
Jed eyed the damp spot on the bed and opted to stand. “I was hoping you’d just call off your tag and hit up another shadow warrior instead of Rafi.”
Bandit shook his head. “No can do. Already tried. Next.”
“Well, what’s the vortex of hell thing?” Paige asked. “I’m pretty familiar with the region and I’ve never heard of it.”
“Hyperbolic exaggeration. I was referring to the fact that if I die without passing on my legacy, then the world’s one shadow warrior short, and all the gateways collapse and hell falls into heaven and it’s all a gigantic mess, and I get blamed. Hence, the effort to get all the great sex I can before it’s too late.” He jerked his thumb at the circling specters. “And they get to eat me too. Gross, eh?”
Paige’s mouth dropped open. “They eat you? Why?”
“To get their souls back. If I had passed on the legacy, then they would have been free to go party or whatever it is that they’d do, but if I die without freeing them first . . .” He made a face. “Like I said, vortex of hell. Not worth mentioning. It’s really too depressing. So, the plan?”
Jed held up his hand. “Wait a sec. What about all the gateways collapsing? We don’t guard those anymore.”
“Well, duh, big guy.” Bandit rolled his eyes at Paige. “The young ones think they have all the info, don’t they?”
“Then we’re so lucky that you do, right?” Paige asked.
“Exactly.” Bandit gave a condescending sigh and turned to Jed. “We don’t actually guard the gates, but we’re still bonded to them. Why do you think we’re all such a mess? Being deprived of our legacy has seriously screwed us all up. One shadow warrior I know runs a couple terrorist groups and another runs this cult up in Washington where they do human sacrifice and eat only spinach and pine nuts. Face it, boy, without a gate to guard, we’re aimless, shiftless creatures with a hell of a lot of power and nowhere to channel it. I even heard one sorry son of a bitch actually hired himself out as an assassin to Satan Jr. Can you imagine his payback when heaven and hell collapse in the next day or two? He ought to be getting laid as much as possible, if he’s got any brain.” Bandit’s wink said he knew exactly who Jed was.
Jed snorted. “Actually, I’m spending my time trying to save the world. I’m sort of a long-term-planner kind of guy.”
“Which is why I invited you in. But I’m not hearing a plan.” Bandit snapped his fingers. “Time’s a-wasting. Either I need to get back to my last hurrah, or we need to stop the slide of heaven into hell.”
Jed’s cell phone rang, and he glanced it. Junior again? He flipped it open. “What?”
“Is she in love yet?”
“No.” He snapped it shut without another explanation as Paige tapped Bandit’s knee.
After touching him, she looked at her hand and wiped it on her jeans. “Have you tried to get into the Afterlife where Rafi is?”
Bandit rolled his eyes again. “Well, duh, of course I tried. Hello? Do you think I’d be sitting here on my ass waiting for all these creepy things to eat their souls out of me if I had a choice?”
Jed grimaced as one of the “creepy things” brushed a shadowy hand through Bandit’s heart, as if to remind him that she was waiting for her moment.
Paige set her hands on her hips. “Well, if Jed kills you now, would that work, do you think? Preempt the slide into the vortex by having you die of unnatural causes?”
Bandit leapt to his feet, grabbed the clock radio off his nightstand, and brandished it at her. “Don’t even think about it. I’ll have the same result, just sooner, and I’ll get no last hurrah.” His pants were sagging down around his hips, revealing dingy briefs with elastic that was barely holding them up.
Jed cursed. “Pull yourself together, man. You’re an embarrassment to shadow warriors everywhere.”
“And no woman’s going to give you a last hurrah looking like that,” Paige added.
Bandit yanked his sweats up. “Women love deadly warriors.”
“Not ones that smell like dead fish and have cannibalistic
ghosts stalking them.” Paige turned to face Jed. “We’ve got to talk to Jerome. If Bandit’s right about heaven and hell collapsing, I’d have to think that Jerome would be willing to release Rafi long enough to get tapped.”
“If they believe us.” He eyed Bandit. “You willing to testify as to the truth of what you said?”
“Damn straight. It was the Council that deemed us obsolete in the first place. I’d love to go in there and—”
“You have to shower and wash your clothes,” Paige interrupted. “Buy deodorant. And some cologne. Maybe a lot of cologne. Jerome won’t take you seriously if you go in as a stinky, sloppy ex–art thief with a gambling addiction.”
Bandit sighed and sat back down on the bed. “I’m really not a very good shopper. I don’t have a sense of my color palette.”
“‘Color palette’?” Jed repeated. “Who cares about a color palette? Just go to any store, grab some jeans and a shirt and you’ll be in much better shape than you are now.”
Bandit gave them a droopy look. “If I look bad on purpose, that’s me showing attitude. If I try to look good, and I fail, well, then, it’s me being a loser.” He sighed, a big belly sigh that made the dust bunnies on the floor drift several feet. “I’ll just stay here.”
“Oh, for hell’s sake.” Paige pulled out her phone and dialed it.
Dani answered on the first ring. “Hello?”
“It’s me. I—”
“Oh, Paige. I’m so sorry about how I’ve been treating you. I’m such a bad friend. Theresa had a long talk with me and I realized—”
“It’s okay.” Paige smiled, suddenly feeling better. “I know you love me. I’d be scared of me too.”
“No. It’s not okay. I’m here now. I’m not going to run away.”
“Good. I need a favor.”
“Sure thing. Anything for you. Zeke’s not having any success finding the scientist, by the way, so we have to make sure this angel thing works tonight. I think it might be your only chance.”
Paige tightened her grip on the phone. “Is he giving up?”
“No, but he’s not optimistic. Satan’s done a great job hiding her.”
Paige grimaced and Jed touched her arm. “Everything okay?” he asked.
She wrinkled her nose and shrugged.
“So, what do you need from me?” Dani asked.
Right. Focus. If they could get Jerome to free Rafi, that was one threat against her that would be taken care of. “I have a makeover project for you. I have this . . . um . . . slightly outdated shadow warrior that we need to get in shape to testify before the Council. Can you take him shopping and clean him up?”
“For sure. I’m all over it. Text me the address and I’m on my way.”
“Bring your credit card. I think he’s probably broke.”
“Will do. Anything else?”
Paige nodded. “Just thanks for the apology. It means a lot.”
“I love you, babe. I might be scared to death of you, but love trumps over terror, so I’m with you. Smooches. I’ll let you know if Zeke comes up with anything.”
Paige snapped her phone shut, feeling better now that she had Dani back on her side, even if she had delivered bad news about Zeke. She mustered up a smile for Jed. “She loves me.”
“Why wouldn’t she? You’re lovable.”
There was an intensity to his statement that made her breath catch for a minute. “You think I’m lovable?”
“Oh, yeah.”
Oh, wow. She was suddenly feeling much better. “How lovable? Like throw me on the floor and ravage me, lovable? Or stand vigil over my deathbed, lovable? Or both? I’d like both. Not that I plan to die and not that we’re going to have sex, but hypothetically speaking.”
He met her gaze. “Hypothetically speaking—”
“Hey. Is this chick you called hot?” Bandit interrupted. “Think she’d be interested in a last hurrah?”
She glared at him. “Shut up, Bandit. Can’t you see we were about to have a moment?”
“Hey, chicky. I don’t even know you and I can answer the question. Of course he’d want to throw you down and ride you ’til he’s got saddle sores and his horse can’t move another inch. And no shadow warrior ever grieves for anyone, because we’re vicious killers with no emotions whatsoever.”
Jed’s mouth twitched and Paige couldn’t stop from laughing. “You’re an idiot, Bandit. You completely blew the mood for us.”
Bandit winked at her and rolled to his feet. “I gotta shower for my new lady friend. You’ll call me when you want me to dominate the Council and thrash ’em ’til they weep like little babies who lost their pacifiers?”
She grinned. “I like you. You make me laugh.”
He glared at her. “I’m not funny. So, you want my number or what?” And he shot another glare at Jed. “And I’m not giving it to you. I only give out my number to hot chicks, and you don’t count.”
Paige laughed again, and she slid her arm around Jed’s waist, pleased to see he was looking amused as well. How could he not? They both had been in desperate need of a Bandit in their lives. “You have a phone?”
Bandit tugged a brand new cell phone out of the front of his pants. “Got it from a chick who thought I was hot. Traded it for great sex.”
Paige raised her brows. “Really?”
“No. I stole it from a guy on the subway. I figure I’ve got about another hour or so before he has the service cut off. You going to call me before then?”
Paige sighed and handed him her phone. “Use this. I’ll get another one.”
“Great.” Bandit shoved it down the front of his pants. “You can have it back after the deal’s done.”
“Oh, no. It’s all yours,” Jed said. “Our gift to you.”
“Fantastic.” Bandit saluted them. “Get out of my house. I got work to do.” Then he whirled around and stalked into the bathroom, shouting at the ghosts to get out so he could have some privacy. They ignored him and drifted through the door to join him.
“Hey, you two!” Bandit yelled through the door as the shower came on. “In case I forgot to tell you, I’m gonna die from this shit at about two o’clock tomorrow, so don’t hang around my place like you’ve got nowhere better to go. We’re on a deadline, kids.”
“Two o’clock?” Jed glanced at his watch and cursed, and Paige felt her adrenaline spike.
No! Bandit had made them both laugh! She wasn’t ready to let go of it, not yet. She raised her chin. “Thinking positively,” she said. “I’m sure Bandit will convince Jerome to free Rafi long enough to become a shadow warrior, then we’ll find a way to get you two out of the contract with Junior without turning me wraith. Plus, we’ll win over my wraith . . .” She frowned. “. . . somehow . . .” She sighed, then lifted her chin. “So, anyway, you better start thinking about how you’re going to avoid ending up like him, a major shadow warrior loser.”
His brows shot up. “I’m not going to end up like him.”
“I’m sure he didn’t think he would either, but he did.”
“I’m not—”
She faded them through the floor before he could finish his argument.
Seventeen
An hour later, Paige slammed open the door to Satan’s petty cash room. “How could Satan not keep records on evil scientists hired to destroy my life? Isn’t that the kind of thing that would be important enough for a paper trail? I mean, what if he lost his short-term memory and wanted to create a second deadly wraith? What then? No paper trail, no deadly wraith number two. Horrific business planning if you ask me.” She stalked across the room toward Satan’s petty cash stash. “You know, I’m trying to be optimistic that we’re going to solve this wraith thing before it takes over me, but without that scientist, it’s really difficult to be positive.”
“What about sex with an angel?” Jed stood in the doorway, keeping an eye out for anyone joining them in the room. Paige was concerned about Satan showing up, since he’d apparently banned her from
hell, but she’d been so certain that his files would have the information she’d needed that she’d been willing to risk it.
She’d spent the last forty-five minutes fireballing Satan’s office in order to get all his safes open. The walls had shaken, flames had set off the sprinkler system, and there was smoke drifting through the air vents. She’d nearly fried two of the guards that had come running, and it had been all Jed could do to restrain her while he knocked them out. The wraith was beginning to wake, and they were both more than a little worried about how strong it would be once it came out of hibernation.
And it had all been for naught, as they’d found nothing in the files, and she was so frustrated and strung out that she was treading an edge he hadn’t seen her near before.
She ran her hand through her hair. “Last time I blew up the angel, Jed. How can I be confident that it’ll work this time? It could put me in a worse position than before, causing another death and giving the Men in White even more incentive to chase me down. I was so hoping we’d find the scientist and I wouldn’t need to try it, but I didn’t. So, I’m about to try my last hope, and I’m not even hopeful about it!”
She whirled toward a large golden cabinet. “I. Am. Freaking. Out.” She yanked open the door to the gold bullion cabinet and jumped back as a pile of coins crashed onto the floor with a resounding clang. “Look at this mess. Without Becca around to keep this place running, it’s going to hell.” She dropped to her knees and started hurling coins back inside. “I can’t believe this crap. Doesn’t anyone have any organization?”
He raised his brows. “You’re worried about organization?” His phone rang again and he glanced it. Junior. He sighed and answered it. “Not yet.” He hung up without waiting for a response.
“No, of course not. I’m venting.” She sat back on her heels and looked at him, ignoring the phone call. “I’m falling apart, here, Jed. Get with the program! Bandit distracted me, but then he got me to thinking how much I like to laugh, you know? And I might not get to laugh much in another day or two. And that upsets me.”
Sex & The Immortal Bad Boy Page 12