by Elaine White
“It took me a while to realise that I'd probably been falling in love with you, for a long time. Then you disappeared and I was upset for a while. When I ended up sitting next to a Durand, I just figured you were a cousin or something. You weren't 'Stevie' that little Scout kid I'd been crushing on for so long, so I didn't say anything. When 'Stevie' disappeared, I figured it meant you didn't like me as much as I liked you. I guess I was so blinded by life and tennis that I never saw you. I never saw...any of it,” he confessed.
Sterling smiled, glad to finally have an answer to his question of why Fearghas didn't remember him. He'd moved on a long time ago, when he first thought Sterling had disappeared, and life had taken over. The association between that brain and intelligence that had captivated him had somehow lost the connection to his name or face.
“I didn't know it was possible to fall for the same person twice,” Fearghas said, with a soft sigh of what sounded like contentment.
“Twice?” he asked, not sure that made sense.
“Sure. When we were kids,” he began, a little bit of wistfulness in his voice, “then again when we were older. I'd forgotten that you were you. I'd forgotten everything. Growing up is such a bitch. But, yeah...sitting next to you, I fell for that big brain, again. The way you think, the way you talk, the way you argued with the teachers and defended yourself whenever someone said you were wrong.”
With a light groan, Fearghas ducked down and kissed his lips again. “You are so ridiculously attractive when you argue. I mean, I don't really go for what's on the outside, but the fact that you're so cute and you get so riled up when someone argues with you, just makes you totally gorgeous to me,” he confessed, filling Sterling with a strange sense of pride.
“I'm kind of glad you don't mind how I look. I'm a bit geeky,” he admitted, self-consciously.
“So geeky. Really, really geeky...and smart...and opinionated,” his crush agreed, with a widening smile. “It just so happens that's my thing. I just never thought I'd be yours.”
“Really?” Sterling couldn't help but grin and wonder at the complexities of human emotions. Running his hand down the jumper Fearghas had stolen from him, he shook his head. “You're beautiful inside and out. I always knew that. The wish I made that night, I didn't make at the machine. I made it under the tree. I wished you'd see me. That you'd notice me. Then I asked for my dream man. I just thought I'd have to live a dream to get him,” he explained.
Fearghas tucked the crook of his finger beneath his chin, tilting his head up until their eyes met. “And, now? Is this the dream or reality?”
“I think I'm lost in a dream,” he nodded, unable to deny it, “but I also think that dreams can be a reality. So maybe you're both? I don't see how else you could be here, liking me as much as I like you, and still willing to kiss me.” Sterling closed his eyes briefly and thought about how horribly this could have gone, if he'd sent Fearghas away or if he'd never come over. “Do you ever want to go further than kissing?” he asked, deciding that they should probably have this conversation before they were confronted by his Pops.
“Nope. I like kissing you, but I've never done it before. If you don't want to do it again, that's fine. But I'd like to hold your hand,” he replied, so honest about it all that Sterling wanted to kiss him for it, in gratitude.
He held himself back, only just. Then he smiled and said, “Good. I like kissing you too. And you're my first, as well. So...kissing and holding hands?” he bargained, though he pretty much knew Fearghas would agree.
Which he did, with a light kiss and a brief nod. “Sterling, do you want to be my boyfriend?” he whispered, finally putting a name to what Sterling had wanted all these years. And what, now, he could finally have.
“Yes.”
An hour later, after a few more kisses to celebrate, Sterling led Fearghas back downstairs and into the living room. His Pops was sitting on the sofa, watching a rugby game, but his shoulders were tense.
“Pops, what did Dad say?” he asked, rushing over to the sofa to face him, since he knew that something was wrong.
“He says that nothing can be done. You never saw Antonio yourself, so you can't identify him, and this Deryn girl is an unreliable witness, due to the possibility that she might have been involved,” he replied, in a flat, monotone that suggested he was still boiling under the surface.
Still, he was only saying what Sterling had already considered. Standing from the sofa, he crossed to his Pops and sat on the arm of his chair to offer him a hug. When he was wrapped up and squeezed in return, he whispered, “It's okay, Pops. I'll be okay and I don't think they'll ever do it again. I really scared them, by nearly drowning.”
Not that he really wanted to remember that sensation or remind his Pops of it, but it was necessary. Even Fearghas said that Deryn had been sobbing when she talked about the drowning and how it was the only part he truly believed. According to his lifelong crush, it was more likely that Antonio had planned to humiliate Sterling and threaten him, to make Fearghas 'turn straight' or at least stay in the closet.
It seemed plausible, but he'd only know for sure when he spoke to Antonio himself.
“Would it help if I spoke to the principal?” Sterling wondered, knowing that with the Zero Tolerance at school, she might suspend Antonio for his homophobic rant towards Fearghas.
“No, baby. You stay out of trouble and let me handle this,” his Pops promised, reverting to the nickname he only gave him when he was really scared. Times like in the hospital or when he'd seriously hurt himself as a kid. “I'll talk to your dad some more. I'm sure the security at the carnival searched the area, investigating how you ended up in the water and the police were brought in. They may have found something to link them to you,” he reasoned.
“A scarf. It was bright pink,” he recalled, sliding off his Pops knee and back onto the sofa, beside Fearghas. “They used it to tie my wrists. I remembered,” he explained, only to realise how badly he was messing up this news. So he started from the beginning and explained what he knew.
His Pops nodded an awful lot, then lifted his phone from the coffee table and got up to leave the room. Sterling didn't doubt that he was calling his dad back, to discuss that information with him and possibly mounting a search for that scarf.
Turning away, to let his Pops have some privacy, he smiled at Fearghas. “Do you still want to hang out a while and watch some movies?” he asked, needing some normality back into his night, now that it had been blown apart by such a huge revelation.
“Sure. I don't really have a lot of time to watch movies, so I probably haven't seen anything new in years,” he confessed, while Sterling stood and headed for the cabinet at the back of the room.
“Good. Because I have some favourites that I'd like to share with you,” he admitted, grabbing a choice of three that he and his Pops loved to watch together. When he returned to the TV, he slotted the first into the machine, grabbed the controls and sat beside Fearghas on the sofa. With a hint of a smile, he peeked up at his new boyfriend and said, “Maybe we could talk about it after? You know...analyse the whole thing?”
The suggestion made Fearghas grin and his green eyes crinkled at the corners. “I can see you're going to enjoy springing this stuff on me, huh? Do I sense a lot of debates and movie critiques in my future?” he asked, clearly appreciating and accepting the teasing, though Sterling was actually quite set on it. If Fearghas found his mind so attractive, he'd just have to show that off a little, to give him as much of a 'thank you' as he could muster.
“Our future,” he corrected him, snuggling into his side. “I see lots and lots of talking in our future. And, if you can put up with me that long, I'd love that future to be really, really long.”
It wasn't quite spilling his guts and confessing, “I want to spend my life with you”, but it was as close as he was going to get. To his relief, Fearghas smiled and kissed him sweetly. His eyes were bright and alert, but so full of emotions that he couldn't untangle. Sterl
ing wasn't scared; he'd known a long time ago that he didn't want to be with anyone but Fearghas and, it seemed, his crush had felt the same way all along.
Now wasn't the time for hiding behind teenage shyness. They were adults, or almost were, and they both knew their own needs, minds and wants. Pretty much all of that pointed towards each other. So why not take that chance while they had it?
He didn't want to regret not speaking up, anymore. To constantly wonder “what if.” What if he'd only said something sooner. What if he'd only stood up for himself at Scouts? What if he'd never grown his hair out or had that growth spurt?
So many questions. But none of them mattered anymore. Not with Fearghas slowly rubbing the tips of their noses in an Eskimo kiss. Not with a feather light touch catching the back of his hand and slowly trailing towards his fingertips. Not when Fearghas leaned in to kiss him and whispered, “It will be.”
Chapter 9
One Week Later
Pops asked them to keep their relationship quiet, until he'd settled the situation with Antonio and Deryn. He didn't want anyone to lash out at them or for either of them to get hurt, because of two stupid teenagers who didn't know better.
And, although Sterling had never actually been 'in the closet' per se, he didn't mind closing that door when it meant he could hide away with Fearghas. They dated in secret, always spending time at Sterling's house whether his parents were home or not, or hiding away in Fearghas' big house just outside of town. Though Sterling had been scared initially, Fearghas' parents were so accepting and had known Fearghas was gay for years, so there was never any awkwardness about being around them, as a couple.
The fact that there were no embarrassing fumbles or compromising positions seemed to make both sets of parents ridiculously happy, especially when it came to leaving them in the house alone together. Both being completely uninterested in sex and having their parents know that, to ease their worried minds, gave them a sense of freedom.
Sterling giggled as he lay on Fearghas' bed and glanced at the clock. He couldn't explain what was so funny, but he was becoming used to being ridiculously happy all the time. So those light fingers trailing over his sensitive sides made him release the giggles freely, without any shame or embarrassment.
“Morning,” he whispered, slowly turning to face his boyfriend.
This was the first time he'd ever done such a thing and it felt shockingly wonderful and intimate. More than any touch could be. Knowing that Fearghas' parents trusted him enough to stay over, after a late night of studying – which was genuinely all they did – made him feel giddy.
“Morning, sunshine.” Fearghas kissed his nose and sighed as he flopped onto his back and stretched. “I can't believe we're up before the alarm. I thought for sure that we'd end up sleeping in,” he admitted, turning to flash a happy, tired smile his way.
Sterling knew why; they'd stayed up all night talking, debating over the pros and cons of the latest gay romance novel they had been sharing and finished earlier in the evening. Arguing had really brought out the light inside of Fearghas, as they disagreed over favourite characters, the meaning of phrases and light touches. Though neither of them were sexual by nature, Sterling really didn't mind a little sex in his books, just as long as there was more plot than hot.
He quite clearly recalled falling asleep in Fearghas' arms at three in the morning, mumbling about how the brief, non-sexual touches and the conversations the couple had with each other had been the most romantic parts of the novel. Just as he'd drifted off, he'd heard that very quiet agreement of, “You know, that I can agree with.”
Smiling to himself, he leaned in and quickly stole a kiss of Fearghas' jaw before turning away and slipping out of bed. It barely took a minute to grab his clothes for today and head into the bathroom for a shower.
By the time he was done and dressed, he returned to the bedroom to find Fearghas zipping up his school bag. He kissed his nose, grabbed his clothes and left Sterling to get his own books ready, while his boyfriend took a shower of his own. It was all so...normal. So domestic and wonderful, so...charming.
Just like Fearghas.
With a yawn, he began packing his books into a neat pile on the desk. With another Thursday on the cards, he scratched the back of his head, grabbed his timetable for the day and started sorting through the mess. Books for today's classes were put into his bag and anything else was removed to be placed on the desk.
The day was circled on his calendar and he couldn't help but smile. It was one week today since he'd become Fearghas' boyfriend. One week. It felt like longer, because they'd somehow become so in sync with each other. Fearghas helped him with his tennis exercises, appreciating that he wasn't planning to improve himself only using it for fitness. In return, Sterling introduced his boyfriend to the wonderful world of movies and books that he'd missed out on, by always being so busy.
Oh, and the talking. It wasn't just stimulating for Fearghas, who claimed that it gave him a real buzz of energy and only made Sterling more attractive with every day. It made him feel good, too. To know that he had something to offer in this relationship, to know that he wasn't a mindless pretty face and that he didn't think that of Fearghas either.
Being able to speak his mind was strangely freeing in a way that had taken him completely by surprise. His Pops claimed it made sense; that since he had no inclination towards a physical relationship, he found the intellectual intimacy of Fearghas' attraction all the stimulation he needed to really feel connected to his boyfriend.
His phone buzzed, the moment it switched on. Sterling had promised his dad that he'd put it on for ten minutes every morning, just in case they had to leave him a message before school. It seemed today was that day.
Putting the phone to his ear, he pressed the button to call his voicemail and waited. After a few seconds, his dad's voice came through loud and clear.
Pops came through as usual, baby. He was right and the cops did find that scarf at the scene. Because you're a minor, they fast tracked it and were able to get prints.
I'm serving an order today, to have Antonio and Deryn taken to the station to have their prints taken and compared.
Don't worry about a thing. Pops and I have your back. Go to school, have a good day and tell that boyfriend to join us for dinner. We're going to celebrate.
Love you, baby.
Once he hung up, Sterling couldn't help but smile. Now his dad was worried too, but also sounded strangely confident that the prints would match. Frankly, though he didn't want it to happen to anyone else, he didn't care right now. He trusted his parents to do what was right and what was best, so Sterling chose to do as he said and not worry.
Dad and Pops had his back. They always did.
Fearghas wasn't thrilled by the thought of going to school and bumping into Antonio or Deryn before they were called to the police station, but Sterling was pretty sure that wouldn't happen. Besides, for the last week, neither of them had so much as blinked in his direction, so he assumed that Fearghas' theory was right; nearly drowning had freaked them out so much that they wouldn't do it again.
But they still had to face the consequences of their actions. He could have drowned, suffocated or anything out there, all alone. And neither he nor Fearghas knew for sure what their plan was, if he hadn't escaped.
He still had panic attacks, when he thought about that. And, once or twice, he'd woken up shaking and crying in the middle of the night. His dad had always been there to hold him tight and tell him it was alright. In fact, he'd been leaving the house later and coming home earlier every night since his memories came back. Pops was too upset to comfort him on those nights; even through his panic, he could remember his swearing and the threats he made to the people who'd done this to him.
The only thing Sterling was afraid of, now, was having a nightmare when he was staying over with Fearghas. He didn't want his boyfriend to feel guilty for the panic attacks or the nightmares, when none of it had been his fault. But St
erling knew he would, because it was his friends who had done it to him. There was no hiding that fact.
“Are you sure?” Fearghas asked him, one last time, as they stood outside the school gates. Since he'd been hanging out with Sterling and his friends ever since the 'almost drowning' incident, no one batted an eyelash at seeing them together.
They kept their hands to themselves, sharing nothing more than a few smiles and quiet words when on school grounds, to keep their relationship quiet. But now, for some reason, Fearghas wanted to out them to everyone.
“Just one more day,” he asked, touching a hand to his chest. “Just until we know what the police find out.”
His boyfriend nodded, but didn't look happy about it. With a sigh, he ducked in and placed a kiss on Sterling's temple, then walked away to meet his friends. He looked tired, but Sterling wasn't entirely surprised. He'd gone to tennis practice at half four, returned at half six and slunk back into bed with him for another two hours, before they had to high tail it to school.
Sterling had thought that a few more hours of sleep would help him, but seeing those bags under his eyes for the first time, he realised that was wrong. He was just going to have to get up at five thirty, every time Fearghas went to tennis practice. No way was he making his boyfriend feel guilty about waking him or keeping him awake with his absence or his near silent exit from the bedroom. From now on, he'd set his alarm for when Fearghas finished his practice, so that he was up and ready to eat breakfast with his boyfriend when he got back.
It would take some adjustment, but he'd get used to it eventually. It was all a matter of patience and perseverance.
With a nod of decision, Sterling made his way into the school grounds, waving and nodding hello to the casual friends who greeted him. Once he was inside the main building, he trailed along the rows of lockers and stopped by Harrison's to say good morning, then continued on to where Kenichi was leaning against his locker, looking lost.