by Elaine White
Karsyn let go of his roll and swallowed, as he turned his hand until it lay palm up on the table. Ryder seemed to get the message, because he smiled and took his hand, linking their fingers.
“There's a party this weekend,” Karsyn began, not sure why he was bringing it up. “I don't really like parties, but if you wanted to go…” he offered.
Ryder smiled and his heart just about stopped when a free hand touched his knee ever so lightly under the table. “Or, we could just hang out ourselves?” he suggested, as an alternative. Which sounded a heck of a lot better.
“It sounds stupid, but I was going to stay home with the dog and watch some movies. We could do that?” Karsyn smiled hopefully, never looking away from those stunning blue eyes.
Ryder nodded and suddenly let go of his hand to turn away. He was disappointed and didn't understand why he did it, until someone walked past their table and he realised the truth. Ryder was no more ready to be 'out' at school than he was.
Karsyn turned back to his lunch, trying not to let on that he and Ryder had just agreed to a first date. As they talked quietly about random, stupid things, half of his brain was entirely focused on finding out who 'Anonymous' was. The other half was preoccupied with thoughts about his date with Ryder.
When Karsyn got to his locker at the end of the day, to find another note jammed into it, he just about screamed. Instead he took a deep breath, yanked it out of the vent slot and opened it.
I know this is frustrating for you, but I have to keep it this way. You see, like you, I'm not out to my friends and I'm not sure how they would take it.
My head is really messed up. I'm in love with someone up to my neck and I'm scared to tell him. I'm not sure how he'd take it.
Until I know it's safe for us to talk in person, I hope you don't mind that I write you these notes. If you ever want to write back, then please do. I'd love to have someone to talk to about this. I've been alone with this for so long.
My parents don't get it; they think that it's just a matter of coming out and everyone accepting me for who I am. But that's not how I see it. I've seen what happens to kids when they're not what the masses want them to be. I know there's never been anything like that here, but it's only a matter of time. The whole world feels so unsafe right now.
I'm not strong enough to go through it yet. One day I will be and I hope that when I am, I can stand beside you when you're ready.
Until then, can we share a closet?
Anonymous.
All his anger faded away and Karsyn smiled, reverently folding the note and slipping it into his shoe beside the other one.
Whoever 'Anonymous' was completely understood how he felt and shared his sense of hopelessness.
He pulled out his notebook from his locker, where he usually jotted down plays for the rugby team. He turned to a new page and scribbled a quick note. He wasn't sure if 'Anonymous' would get it or not, since it was already the end of the day, but if not he would get it tomorrow when he dropped off another note. He would leave it there until it disappeared.
I would be honoured to share my closet with you.
My parents are the same. They just don't get how hard it is to have to keep who you are a secret and never really feel safe around people you think are your friends. I'm hoping we can help each other cope with this burden until we're ready.
Karsyn.
He folded it into four and closed his locker. He slotted it into the vent until it was nearly all the way in. There was just enough to get a hold of the corner and drag it out. With that done, Karsyn let out a deep sigh and headed home.
“The bloody chicken pox is going about again,” his father complained as they sat down to eat dinner.
Karsyn sighed and knew what was coming. He was about to be asked to stay inside except for when he was at school. Well, it wasn't necessary. “My schedule hasn't changed,” he promised, to see off the inevitable lecture. He'd get away with pizza night, the RPG games and rugby practice, because he already had his parents promise that he would never be stopped from participating in them.
Chicken pox or no chicken pox, he wasn't going to change that.
His dad nodded and started going on at Freddie about the patient who had brought it into his surgery and how he was to be careful around friends who had younger siblings. His kid brother, ever eager to please their dad, nodded along quite happily.
Karsyn ignored him and went back to eating his dinner. He was happily distracted from the boring conversation when his phone buzzed with a text message.
Hello ~ Anonymous.
For the longest time, Karsyn stared at the text in surprise, before swallowing and trying to decide what to do about it. He had never expected 'Anonymous' to be so interested in talking to him that they would go to the lengths it took to find out his mobile number. What exactly did that mean?
Did that mean they were part of the student team who helped out the PTA and had access to the phone tree? Or were they another rugby player who had access to the emergency contact forms? Or had they asked one of his friends for his number, claiming some innocent, class related, reason? And, if so, did that mean he had a way of finding out who they were?
Hello, he sent back, unsure of what to say.
Is it okay for me to text you?
Of course it is. Did you get my note? he asked, hoping that they had and it would mean he had someone in his life who knew exactly how he felt. He needed that connection, that understanding and compassion that 'Anonymous' offered.
Yes. That's why I thought you might be happy to hear from me. Did your day get any better? Anonymous asked.
He didn't know how he knew that it hadn't gone well. He wondered if his new friend had been around him, able to see that he wasn't exactly happy until he got the second note at the end of the day.
Not really. How was your day? he replied, glancing up at his parents, who were too busy talking to notice how distracted he was. He liked that he barely had to wait any time at all for Anonymous to reply to his messages. It was sweet that they had been thoughtful enough to find a simpler way of communicating with him than secret notes in his locker.
Not bad. I got to be close to someone special, they answered.
Karsyn smiled to himself, in approval. That must have been nice, since he already knew that he was madly in love with someone.
That's good. I guess mine was good too. I got asked on a date. I'm not sure what to do about it though, since neither of us are really out, he confessed. His date with Ryder was difficult to figure out. He didn't know whether to be happy, devastated or just anxious.
Barely a split second passed before he got a reply. Awkward. I'm sure it will be fine. If you're going to be with someone, then they should understand. They might even give you the strength to come out, he said, as if he knew how it felt.
Karsyn believed that he did. I agree. I've got my fingers crossed for both of us, he admitted. He really did too; he wanted them both to find the happiness that had eluded them so far.
All he had to do was keep things simple and quiet for a year, then, once he was on a Pro team, he could come out knowing that he had a secure contract. That was all he needed.
Lol. Me too. Any exciting plans?
Watching some films. Looking after the dog. He sighed and looked down at the dog, lying in his bed over in the living room. Jareth looked content, with no interest in the food they were eating.
Cool. What kind of dog do you have?
A standard poodle. Nut case really, he told them, since it was true. He was tired with the heat at the moment, but normally he was a fruitcake who couldn't sit still or do as he was told. He's moping right now because it's too hot outside. Normally he'd be sitting right next to me while we eat, his head on my lap, drooling all over me. Now he's in his bed, giving me sad puppy eyes.
Lol. Sounds like my kind of dog, Anonymous replied. I've got a Chinese crested who thinks he's a Doberman. :P
Karsyn chuckled to himself, before shutting hi
s mouth and refocusing on his phone. We have a poodle because my friend, Harrison, is hyper allergic to all animals with fur. A poodle was about the only safe bet, so when we went looking for a new dog, we figured it would make it easier for him to come round, without feeling sick.
That's so thoughtful. You're a great friend.
His dad glared at him, as the message came in, so he shoved another helping of salad into his mouth with a fake smile. His dad shook his head, but he went back to the conversation, leaving Karsyn to his.
Do we have classes together? he asked, trying to get a line on just who this mysterious person was.
Suddenly, there was no instant reply. He wondered for a moment if Anonymous was simply trying to work out if they had any classes together or whether to answer with a yes or a no rather than admitting to what classes they shared.
Ten minutes went by and he finished his dinner. He sat there, drumming his fingers off the table, wondering what was wrong.
With a sigh, he pushed his chair back from the table. “I'm going up to my room. I've got homework to do,” he told his parents.
They nodded, but mostly left him to leave in peace. Freddie raised his eyebrows at him, but he wasn't sure what to say, so Karsyn showed off his phone and smiled, to let him know he was busy. Even if all he was doing was waiting for another text to come through.
As soon as he reached the door, Jareth raised his head and cocked it at him, as if to ask where he was going. Karsyn patted his thigh in invitation and smiled when his boy got up and followed him out of the room and up the stairs.
Chapter 3
Once he got to his room, Karsyn threw himself down on the bed and lay there, realising he'd broken the one rule of talking to 'Anonymous'. He pulled up the number he'd been texting, not recognising it, and saved it to his phonebook under the name 'Anonymous'. He would know what it meant and, even if he found out their identity, he would keep him under that name so that no one could read their messages to each other.
Sorry, was that being too nosy? he asked, sending the text off, praying that he would get a reply. He really hoped he hadn't just ruined everything and sent Anonymous running.
No. I'm just scared that if I tell you too much you'll know who I am, he sent back instantly.
Karsyn let out a sigh of relief and thought about how to answer that. Is that a bad thing?
It could be.
Why? he wondered. Surely knowing each other in person was just as good as texting and sending notes to each other. Anonymous had to know that he would never out him on purpose or let it happen by accident.
Because then you'd start acting differently towards me. You'd notice me at school. And eventually you'd find out who I'm in love with.
Karsyn squinted at his phone, trying to work out what that meant as Jareth finally stopped scratching his ear by the door and walked over to lean his head on the edge of the bed. He scooted his legs over to the far side and absently watched his boy jump up on the bed and curl up behind his knees.
And that's not allowed? he asked, not sure what else to say. Was he embarrassed to admit who he fancied or was it more a case of not wanting any risk of that person finding out he existed?
No. It just makes things complicated, he shot back. It seemed like such a sad thing to say, when it should have been hopeful or joyful.
How? he persisted.
Another few minutes passed and he almost thought he'd gone too far again. Then the ping alerted him to a new message and he found a surprising reply.
Because then you'll know that I'm in love with you. And that could ruin everything, Anonymous said.
I honestly have no clue how to respond to that, he confessed.
Which is why you will never know who I am.
Never?
Not until I decide it's worth the risk, Anonymous claimed.
He wasn't sure there would ever be a day when there was no risk for a man to come out and say that he loved another man. At least, it felt hopeless to him. He sincerely hoped such a day would come soon.
What risk?
The shit storm that is going to hit when I come out, he said. If you ever knew who I was and wanted to do anything about how I feel about you, then I would have to come out, he said, as if that was the most terrifying thing in the world. I wouldn't want to lie about who I cared for, if we were to date. And that would be bad, because you might not be ready to come out and I wouldn't want to force you. But I'm not sure I could come out and be honest about who I was, if you weren't going to do the same.
That's complicated, Karsyn agreed. He wasn't sure there was a logical way out of that dilemma. It seemed so twisted and tangled together.
Yes. And that's why you will never know who I am. <3
What if I made you a promise? he sent, thinking through everything else he wanted to say before writing it out. There was no reply, so he hoped that Anonymous was thinking and that he hadn't just disappeared. What if I promised that, the minute you come out, so will I?
That's not fair. What if I come out and you're still not ready? he asked.
Then we're not really in this together, are we? Isn't that what this is about? he retaliated, reminding him of their promise. You're here to support me, to show me that I don't have to be scared of who I am or how I feel because I'm not alone. Well, neither are you, he promised, not sure if it was the right thing to say or do. But it was how he felt. He didn't know who Anonymous was or what his situation was; all he knew was that they needed each other. Desperately.
I know, was all he got back.
Then silence descended yet again.
Are you still there?
Hello?
Anonymous? Karsyn sighed when all three of his texts went unanswered. He placed his phone on the bed and turned onto his side to stare at it. He willed it to buzz with a new message, for Anonymous to say that he'd been called away or had to rush off to the bathroom. Something, anything. Stupid, crazy, illogical…anything at all.
For six hours, there was nothing.
He didn't do his homework; he didn't get up to get a drink or answer his parents’ calls to see if he wanted to watch TV. All he did was lie on his bed and stare at his phone, willing Anonymous to get in touch.
Nothing happened. And for some reason, for some idiotic reason, that hurt.
The first thing Karsyn did the next morning was switch his phone on and check for a message from Anonymous.
There wasn't one.
He got up, showered, dressed and then checked his phone again.
Still nothing.
He went downstairs, made himself some toast for breakfast and sat at the dining table to eat it, playing games on his phone, so that it was in his hand if it buzzed.
It didn't.
Eventually he had to face facts. Anonymous wasn't going to get in touch and he had to get to school. He grabbed his bag from the living room, said goodbye to his folks and found Freddie still packing his bag in the kitchen. “You ready to go, kiddo?” he asked, hitching his bag higher on his shoulder.
Freddie nodded and stuffed his lunch box into his bag. “All done,” he announced with a grin. After just a moment, he slung his bag over his head, so the strap was across his chest, and fixed the creases on his t-shirt. “Are we meeting Kenichi on the way?” he asked, since they often walked to school together.
“Nope. He's probably walking to school with Alvin,” he replied, hoping that Kenichi had taken his advice and that Alvin had stayed over last night, after dinner. If so, there was no need to invade their time alone together. And, if not, he was sure Kenichi needed time to think.
While discussing their plans for the day, they took the short walk back to the school building he felt he'd only been in a few hours ago.
Freddie was excited about meeting up with Ginny for a project in Science class, which only made Karsyn smile. In a year or two, he fully expected Freddie and Ginny to be dating each other. If not head over heels in love. The pair were inseparable.
By the time
they reached school and he walked over to his locker, Karsyn had heard quite enough about Ginny to last a lifetime. He patted his brother on the back and left him to head over to his group of friends, Karsyn unlocked his locker and hoped, with mounting anticipation, for another note from Anonymous.
With his key still in the lock, Karsyn froze, as he came to a startling realisation.
He was bored. When had his life become so monotonous that a surprise text from a mysterious guy, who was in love with him, had him so captivated and filled him with so much excitement? That was pathetic even for him.
Just what he needed; a new low.
“Hey,” a soft voice said from beside him.
Karsyn turned and smiled at Ryder.
“I was wondering if it would be okay to hang out after school?” he asked, looking so innocent and tempting, as he held a folder to his chest and rocked on his heels nervously.
“I'd like that,” he confessed, remembering his wish. He wanted Ryder to be Anonymous and now he was wondering if he was right. What an idiot he'd been; he'd talked to Anonymous about his date with Ryder so negatively, as if it was something he wasn't ready for. No wonder he said it was awkward and then went quiet when he tried to find out who he was.
“Cool. I'll text you the details?” Ryder asked, pulling out his phone.
Karsyn smiled back at him hopefully, pulling his own phone out of the side pocket of his bag. “Sure,” he agreed, holding his phone close as he anticipated seeing that 'Anonymous' name popping up on his screen when the text came through.
Ryder typed something on his phone, then looked up at him with a glimmer in his eyes. “Done. I'll see you later then,” he said, flashing those perfect teeth before turning and walking away.
A split second later, his phone buzzed in his hand and his heart rate sped up. Karsyn closed his eyes, waiting to revel in the sight. He counted to ten to calm himself down, then opened his eyes and looked at his screen.