by Elaine White
Leaning in, Karsyn closed the distance between them and kissed him. Their lips met with light pressure, but Romany was frozen and unresponsive as before. Karsyn pulled back with an understanding smile. “I'm sorry. I just had to,” he apologised, turning away to leave. He got as far as putting his hand on the door handle before a light touch stopped him.
“Wait.” Romany looked confused and unsure, but Karsyn turned back to him, wondering what he was going to say. The hand on his slowly slid up Karsyn's arm and cupped his cheek.
Karsyn had a feeling he was going to be told something important, maybe even that he was right and Romany was Anonymous. Instead, his rugby captain leaned in and kissed him again.
He kissed back instantly, keeping everything slow and casual as he let Romany decide what he wanted. Lips were brushed against his gently and, a moment later, his bottom lip was kissed teasingly. His control broke; he licked those full lips and smiled when they parted so easily. He slipped his tongue into Romany's mouth, relieved beyond mention that he felt a returned touch.
Karsyn wound his fingers into Romany's thick dark hair, holding him close. He'd never had such a hot kiss before and he couldn't help himself; while his right hand gripped Romany's hair, his left slipped to his waist, grabbing his t-shirt and pulling him closer.
Romany moved into their embrace, cupping his neck with both hands as he put just as much into their kiss as Karsyn did.
It felt so good to kiss him, almost comfortable and familiar. But it was also new and exciting, hungry and lingering as if they wanted to taste every inch of each other's mouths as quickly as they could, but they wanted to take their time with it at the same time.
It was only the sound of music blasting out of a passing car that broke them apart.
Romany sat back quickly with a look of surprise, as if he had no idea what had just happened.
Karsyn couldn't help but smile at it. “I had a great time. We should do this again. Just you and me,” he suggested hopefully.
Sitting back in his seat, Romany stared out the front window.
He didn't want to leave things that way. Karsyn gently cupped his jaw in his hand and turned him until their eyes met. There was so much confusion there, such hesitation that it made him sad; Romany couldn't even let himself enjoy such an amazing kiss without being scared. So he ducked in and lightly kissed his lips one final time.
And that might be more final than he'd hoped.
Chapter 7
Karsyn got out of the car and walked to the front door of his house in a bit of a haze. He realised that, in that moment, his entire life had changed course.
He wanted to date Romany; he wanted to be open about his sexuality and who he was; he wanted to be happy and live a quiet life with his boyfriend. And he didn't want to hang out with Ryder again. He had already decided he wouldn't cancel their sort-of date at the weekend because he wanted to take the chance to get Ryder on his own and find out what he knew and how he knew it.
After that, he'd know what to do next.
He walked into the house to find his parents sitting in front of the TV. His mother was taking notes from a cookery show, while his father read a book in his favourite chair. Nothing new there then. But that was what Karsyn loved about them; their marriage was still going strong after twenty-five years. They met when they were seventeen, started dating a year later and had been together ever since; they were the solid, loving relationship that he wanted with someone one day.
“Hi.” He beamed at his parents, as he walked over and sat down on the sofa.
“Did you have a nice time?” his dad asked with a hopeful smile.
He knew he was just hoping to hear that he was going to change his mind about coming out and, he had, but he wasn't going to tell him until he had a definite idea of the where and when. “Amazing,” he confessed.
He hadn't let anyone kiss him in forever, because he was always afraid that someone would see and know he was gay. With Romany, there had been no thought put into it, he just acted on instinct; on his own street as well.
“I've always found Romany super-hot, but I never took the time to really get to know him. And now that I have…” He sighed and fell back against the back of the sofa, grinning like a fool.
Karsyn was falling fast for Romany, for all the little things that made him who he was. He thought back to the things they had shared over the years, the things they'd done and said to each other, wondering if this feeling had always been under the surface, undetected. Was Romany always flirting with him and was he always so accepting of it? He didn't know, but he didn't care. It felt too good to worry about the ifs, when's or what's.
“He's even hotter than you thought?” His dad chuckled as he rubbed his hand up his arm comfortingly.
Karsyn understood why; his dad could see how deep he was and was trying to let him know he had support when he needed it. It felt great. “Yes. And smart and funny. God, he's so perfect.” He gushed excitedly. Then, because he could see his dad needed it, he gave him the hope he needed. “Dad, I could come out for him. I could give up everything for him. For what we could have. I'm that sure that it could be right for us,” he promised.
“Us?” he wondered, with a faint smile.
“Yeah. I think he's gay,” he admitted, hoping to hell that he wasn't wrong. “I mean…he did look surprised when I kissed him, but it wasn't bad. He didn't lash out or say anything about it. And, after we kissed for the first time, he was still sweet and charming and flirting. God, that boy can flirt.” He stared off into the abyss for a moment, thinking about those hands on his back, that tongue in his mouth, that voice washing over him in waves of molten lava. Whenever Romany came near him, he started burning a fever.
“I'm going to go up to my room for the rest of the night. I need to think,” Karsyn admitted, unashamedly.
His dad nodded with a smile, waving him off, while he went back to his book.
He felt like he was walking on clouds as he floated upstairs and into his bedroom.
Karsyn walked into his room and shed his clothes the minute the door was closed behind him. He opted for a shower, dropping the last of his clothes on the bathroom floor as he climbed into the shower cubicle. The water was hot to start off with, so he adjusted the dial and let it cool considerably, while he ran his hands over his hair.
It took a lot of effort, now that he'd stopped and let his mind run through all the things that had happened over the last few days, but Karsyn finally dragged himself out of the shower. His whole body felt exhausted, just because his mind was so messed up and tangled with thoughts that he couldn't concentrate.
He managed to get dried and dressed without any trouble, but for some reason his mind wouldn't leave the topic of Romany. He couldn't stop thinking about their kiss, his tongue, his lips…everything about him hypnotised him.
He walked over to his desk and sat down to check his messages before he turned in for the night. It was late, already ten o'clock, and he was exhausted. He had a half day of school tomorrow, then it was the weekend, when Ryder would be coming over.
He hadn't heard from Anonymous since after practice and he only hoped it was because his theory was right; that Anonymous was Romany. It would explain a whole lot.
The laptop barely took two minutes to switch on and log into his account. And there, waiting for him, was an IM from Anonymous sent five minutes ago.
How was practice?
Pretty good actually. But you know that, don't you?
Sorry?
You were there. I know you were. How else did you know when to text me? he asked, finally making sense of everything. Everyone knew we were having practice tonight, but we finished early. So you must have been there to see when I was able to get your message. He gave his reasons and waited for a reply.
His heart was beating a mile a minute as he thought of what the outcome would be if Romany wasn't Anonymous. He liked their conversations together, but if Romany wasn't his mystery note sender then he would
n't care. He wanted Romany and that was that. But he'd definitely still want to meet Anonymous, because he would be a great friend that he wanted to keep in his life.
You got me. I was there. :P he said, finally admitting it.
Good. How do you think it went?
Great. You were amazing. That last ruck was particularly exciting, he claimed, making him smile.
Wasn't it? Karsyn laughed, because he wondered if Anonymous knew just how exciting it had been. That was when he wanted nothing more than to drag Romany in for a scorching kiss. What are you up to right now? he typed, wondering if he would admit that he had just got in or if he would say he'd been at home all night.
It's going to sound either really dirty or really funny.
What is it?
I'm just out the shower.
Lol. I see what you mean, he sent back, thinking about his own shower. He hoped and prayed that he was talking to Romany and that he hadn't been alone in drowning in his thoughts while in the shower. But let's face it, we're two gay guys who have been flirting for the last two days. I think you're safe, he promised.
Flirting? Is that what you've been doing?
That's what we've both been doing. Don't pretend you didn't notice.
There was a moment of silence, when he got no reply and the little icon said that Anonymous was still signed in. He half expected the figure to go from green to red, to say that he'd signed off and run away from a difficult truth again. But then three little dots appeared to say that he was typing.
How did your date with Ryder go? he asked, changing the subject.
Karsyn sighed and reacted instinctively. Oh God, I don't want to talk about him. I'm more interested in talking about you, he argued. Then, with a little more thought, he changed his mind. In fact, no…let's talk about Ryder. I don't want to date him. Ever. He swore that the whole thing was over with.
But…he's who you've always wanted, Anonymous protested, as if he was trying to convince him not to give up.
It was frustrating. He just wanted to meet him, to know who he was, so that he was put out of his misery. Mostly, Karsyn wanted to know if Anonymous and Romany were the same incredible, dreamy person that he hoped they were.
Yeah, and now I don't, he promised. There's something about him that makes me feel uncomfortable. How did he know I was gay? How did you know? he asked, not really expecting an answer. When he got one, he couldn't help but smile. Anonymous was certainly feeling chatty tonight, opening up more than he ever had so far.
I caught you checking me out one day.
Really? And you still think I'd never want you?
They are two different things, Karsyn, he replied. He could almost hear Romany's gruff, sexy voice saying those words right then. He could see the look in his eyes, steely and disapproving.
Yeah, yeah. But how did Ryder know? It can't be the same, can it? Am I that obvious? Karsyn wondered if there was even any point in coming out. Did everyone already know he was gay?
No. Only to someone who is looking. And hoping.
He avoided tackling that one for the moment, because he wanted to have a proper conversation about it. First, he would finish discussing the delicate situation with Ryder. Well, he blatantly flirted with me and asked me out, both in public. Either he's about to come out and he's not afraid of being caught, he reasoned, trying to think, –or pummelled by a seemingly straight rugby player twice his size – or he knows I'm gay. He tried again to make Anonymous see what he saw. The suspicion, the uncertainty, the downright suspect behaviour of his childhood friend.
You're right. It sounds like he knows. But I don't know how.
Karsyn could tell that Anonymous wasn't happy about that. They both knew what it meant if someone had found out he was gay without the signs Anonymous had noticed. And he hadn't been as receptive to Ryder's flirtations as he had been to Romany's.
And the other thing is that he's being a bit clingy. He changed tactics a little. I hadn't spoken to him in years, then the other day he came to sit at my table at lunch and asked me out. Now he's everywhere. It's not normal, he confessed, since Anonymous was the only one he could talk to this way.
Even if he was Romany, he had a feeling that he was less comfortable being open about his feelings in person than he was behind the mask of Anonymous. Behind a keyboard, he could be free from repercussions; in person, he was open to rejection and anger. Karsyn understood it, even if he didn't like it.
Again, you're right. I'd be careful around him, Anonymous advised, though he knew that already. He wasn't a complete idiot.
Yeah. He's coming over this weekend to watch a few movies, he confessed, hoping he wouldn't be angry. But I think if he keeps acting up, I'll tell him that I don't want to hang out any more. Neither of us have actually said it's a date, so I can get out of it without feeling bad, he explained himself, hoping that he would get some sign from Anonymous of whether he was jealous or not. If so, it would only cement in his mind that Romany was Anonymous.
What are you going to do if it goes well? What if he kisses you?
Then he's going to get a broken nose.
Lol. Isn't that a little cruel? he asked, sounding happier, even if it was an Instant Message and not real life.
Karsyn still felt like he knew what he was thinking. Relief that he wouldn't want to kiss Ryder, happy that he would keep his distance, which would probably give Anonymous time to expose his real identity to him. And hopefully some other stuff too, if he was Romany.
No. I don't want to kiss him. If he manages to get our lips locking then he deserves a broken nose, he teased, then decided to risk it. I'd let you kiss me, though.
“Again,” Karsyn thought to himself out loud.
Sure you would. You don't even know who I am, Anonymous replied sarcastically.
Don't I? I think I do.
There was silence for what felt like forever. He waited, watching the icon, hoping it wouldn't turn red. The little green dot made up the entire focus of Karsyn's vision as he waited for a reply. Finally, after a tense few minutes, those three dots appeared to show that Anonymous was typing.
You do?
Yeah. But I'm not telling, because you'll just run off and stop talking to me. And I hate that. He felt it necessary to give that little warning. If Anonymous ran now and stopped talking to him for hours, he might not reply to his next message at all. Then Anonymous would be the one nervously waiting for a reply.
I hate not talking to you too, he replied quickly.
Karsyn groaned and smacked his hand against his forehead while leaning his elbow on the desk. How could he leave him in the lurch now? If he stopped messaging him and went silent for hours on end, there was no way he wouldn't be sitting by, waiting for a reply. As soon as he got a text or an IM or a note, he would be opening that sucker in a heartbeat. It was such a cruel thing for him to say.
Then trust me and stop running away, he begged, finding his courage to ask for what he wanted. I've got a big mouth and a stupid brain probably damaged from rugby. I say stupid things all the time, but I don't mean them, he admitted it freely, not caring if he sounded like a dunce. You're the best damned thing that's ever happened to me and I don't want to lose you. He pleaded with him to think sensibly and not ruin the perfect dream he was living ever since Anonymous had come into his life. It had only been, literally, thirty-eight hours since he got that first note in his locker. But it had changed everything.
You don't say stupid things.
Are you going to promise not to run away again? he asked, wanting a real answer.
You say perfect things. But I run away because I'm scared to hear them from you. I'm scared to hope that they mean what I think they mean, he said, as if he was off in a daydream, as if he had never even noticed his new question.
Karsyn caved and answered that fear immediately. It was time for Anonymous, and Romany if it was him, to face up to one obvious fact. That's stupid. Just ask me if they mean what you think they mean and I'll tell you. If
you think I'm saying nice things because I fancy you then YES! I do, he insisted, getting angry at the constant way Anonymous put himself down.
He went on, in desperation. I can't explain the why or the how, only that it's true. Ever since you started sending me notes and texts I've felt closer to you than I've ever felt to anyone else, he promised. You understand me without needing to try, because we feel the same, he spoke to the Anonymous who was, in his mind, Romany. If the two weren't the same, then he'd have a difficult choice to make one day.
That's what I was afraid of.
That I'd fancy you?
That you would want me the way I want you. That you feel what I feel, he sent back, sounding sad, even if there wasn't a visual or vocal indicator to tell him so. He could almost feel it.
Why is that so frightening? he asked, worried that he was slipping into that depressed state again.
There was a moment of nothingness, as if Anonymous didn't know how to answer that. Then the three dots appeared and took forever to turn into words. Because it means that I might get everything I've ever wanted. And that's terrifying. Because to have you, I'd have to come out. And that fills me with dread, he confessed, clearly not realising that it was a fear – and a wish – that they both had.
They wanted to be with each other and they were both paralysed with fear at the very thought of coming out to their friends and family.
Me too. But you know what I've decided? You're worth it, Karsyn promised.
So are you.
Then you'll stop being so scared?
I can try.
He could almost sense a smile in those words; an unspoken vow to do his damnedest to make it work and find a way of getting everything he wanted – coming out and dating him. You know what else I decided? I'm not going pro, he admitted, since he really couldn't see that life ahead of him. My uncle offered me an internship at his garage last year. I think I'm going to take it and work there. I love cars as much as I love rugby, he explained, hoping to change the subject to something more positive. He didn't want to send Anonymous off to sleep with depressing thoughts.