Staring at his face in profile I searched for any sign that the boy I knew before was still in there. He wasn’t to blame for what happened to me as a child. My father was the one to sell me and his father was the one to buy me. He was just on the receiving end of that atrocious bargain.
To a confused and terrified five-year-old, he had been my hero and only friend. He told the truth earlier. I suffered horrible nightmares as a child even after Mom and I escaped that caused me to wet the bed most nights. He kept the bathroom light on at night, knowing I was scared of the dark. Nicky never got mad at being woken up by my crying or bedwetting. He would just tuck me into his bed and hold me while he made up stories until I fell asleep.
Just like now. He still held me night while I cried for my family. He still whispered stories to me until I fell asleep.
There were only two differences between then and now. Nicky had been innocent of what happened to me. Nicholas was not. Nicky made up stories about princesses and dragons. Nicholas told me stories about what our life would be like together.
The boy who had been my prince had grown up to become the dragon. There wouldn’t be anyone to save me from the dragon this time. The only one who could slay this dragon was me, if I had the strength to carry through with it.
Would it really be so bad to just give in? I needed to seriously think about this because if I decided to give in there was no going back after that. Nicholas wouldn’t accept half measures if I did. It would have to be all or nothing. Could I do that?
He’d kidnapped me and threatened me, but he’d never actually hurt me. Even when I yelled and fought him, he still didn’t physically hurt me. If I gave in then didn’t it make sense that he’d be nicer? Maybe he’d let me out more and quit chaining my ankle to the bed at night.
He turned his head toward me and opened his eyes. I was captured by his vivid blue eyes that for once held a measure of warmth instead of pure ice in their gaze. He reached up with the hand between us and stroked my cheek with the back of his finger, smiling when I didn’t automatically turn away from
him.
I gave him a small, timid smile, which caused his to widen in response. His hand cupped the back of my neck, slowly drawing me forward as he leaned in and pressed his lips against mine. Our eyes remained locked on one another, watching, waiting. I’d already lost everything. My life. My family.
There was only one way forward for me that I could see. I could either have a future filled with misery or make the best of what I had.
Grace’s face came to mind. She looked happy in her life with William and he seemed to really care for her. He was excited about their baby. I could have that or something like it if I just gave Nicholas a chance.
The pressure of his lips lessened as Nicholas began to draw back, never taking his eyes from me. It was now or never. I steeled myself to face my decision head-on. I let my eyelids drop and leaned in just a little farther.
I knew Nicholas recognized my silent surrender by the rumble in his chest and the hand on my neck that tightened slightly, holding me to him. His tongue pressed at my lips and I opened my mouth allowing him entrance. His lips caressed my mouth and his tongue coaxed mine to respond to his gentle strokes.
When I touched his tongue with mine, his head slanted and his mouth opened wider, becoming more demanding. My stomach filled with butterflies and my palms began to sweat. My heart was ready to pound right out of my chest. His hand at my throat slid into my hair, holding my head at the angle he wanted, and I jumped when I felt his other hand on my thigh. I brought my hands up to push him away and whimpered, breaking our kiss.
He rested his forehead against mine, breathing heavily. His eyes were a stormy blue filled with so much passion it scared me. What possessed me to think I could do this?
“Shh, Jayden,” he said, gently. His thumb brushed away tears I didn’t know were falling. “We’ll take it a step at a time. Just let me take care of you. Can you do that for me?”
I took a deep shuddering breath, thankful that he wasn’t angry with me, and nodded. “I-I’m trying.”
My voice sounded so small and uncertain. I was risking so much by giving in and I hoped he understood what I couldn’t say out loud.
He kissed my brow in response. “I know, Jayden. It’ll be all right. I’m going to show you how good we can be together, how it was always meant to be between us. You were made for me.”
I always seemed to be staring out of windows when I thought about the direction my life was taking and here I was doing it again. My life may be in turmoil, but at least the view was nice. I could see a lake from where I was standing. The full moon cast a shimmer over the surface of the water that made it sparkle like diamonds. We were in Austin, which is the capital of Texas, the Lone Star State. I remembered that tidbit from geography class in school. People in Texas seemed to be really proud of their state. There were outlines of the state chiseled in the concrete walls on the highway and flags flying everywhere.
We were staying in another mansion owned by Nicholas’ family. It hung off a cliff that overlooked the lake. He said they spent a lot of time between cities and naturally they needed their privacy, so a second home just made sense. A hotel just wasn’t secure enough to bring a kidnapped bride for her honeymoon, I thought sarcastically.
I still didn’t know where Nicholas was keeping me since it was in the country and took what seemed like forever to drive to the airport from the house. He was always so careful that no one mentioned where we lived and he kept me blindfolded from the moment we left the house until we boarded the plane. I assumed we were still in Texas, though, because we weren’t in the air that long.
Just long enough for me to give in.
Nicholas had the decency not to gloat over what I’m certain he saw as a major victory in our ongoing battle. After our kiss, he gave me the space I needed to battle my conscience over my decision.
I wasn’t giving in because I wanted this life or to be married to Nicholas. If the opportunity presented itself, and I knew there’d be no repercussions against my family, I’d leave in a heartbeat. But I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in abject misery either, I rationalized.
I was only eighteen. I was supposed to have my whole life ahead of me to dream, to try new things, to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be. It wasn’t supposed to be like this.
I closed my eyes and struggled under the crushing burden of my internal conflict. In a way Nicholas was right, and that I could even think that made me nauseous. One life I was born for, the other I wasn’t. That was the crux of my conflict that I agonized over.
Nicholas blamed my mom for interfering with the life I was meant to live, just like I blamed him for taking away the life my mom gave me. I couldn’t change my birth, whether it was acceptable or not.
There was never supposed to be another option for me. My father wanted to move up in the Harrison’s organization and for whatever reason Richard Harrison made my birth the payment for that promotion.
I was born to this life.
“Gah, my head is so screwed up, I don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore,” I groaned, beating my head against the glass.
“Our life is what’s right, Jayden.”
I turned from the window, startled to find Nicholas propped against the bathroom door frame watching me. He had a towel draped around his hips and was rubbing another through his damp hair. I stared at his bare chest a minute too long and turned away in embarrassment when he gave me a knowing grin.
He strode quickly across the room and caught my arm, turning me back to face him again. “Hey, there’s no reason to be embarrassed. You’ve seen my chest before,” he chuckled softly.
I couldn’t bring myself to look at him, but staring at his bare chest wasn’t an option either, so I glared at the one freckle on his left bicep. It seemed safe enough. “I know, but it-it’s different now,” I shrugged, trying to sound nonchalant.
He tilted my chin up, forcing me to me
et his gaze. He was smiling. Not smug or cocky like he normally did, just … happy? “It’s different looking at you, too, Mrs. Harrison.”
I flushed again, grateful that he understood without actually having to put it into words. His eyes darkened and turned stormy as he took in my appearance. My hair had dried from my earlier shower and I’d brushed it until it shone. Instead of the camisoles and sleep shorts I usually wore, I was dressed in a long white satin gown.
When I first saw it hanging on the bathroom door it had made me angry. It was like he knew I was going to cave and had prepared for it. Then I realized it didn’t matter, because I had done just that.
If I thought too much about what I was doing I’d lose my nerve. As it was, my nerves were already stretched to the breaking point. It wouldn’t take much to push me over. I raised my hands and then dropped them at my sides again. I wasn’t comfortable touching his chest without a shirt on. My anxiety continued to rise to the point that my vision blurred and tears spilled over, tracking down my face, one after another.
“Talk to me, Jayden,” he coaxed.
He tried brushing away my tears with his thumb, but more kept coming. He was being so careful with me and while I was grateful he didn’t just throw me down on the bed and go to town, I almost wished he’d just get it over with. The anticipation of what was to come was more than I could handle.
“I-I don’t know what to do.” I shuddered. I tried taking a deep breath, thinking it would help calm my nerves, but if anything it opened the floodgates and I couldn’t stop the hysteria from rising. “I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to give in, but I don’t want to be afraid anymore, either. I just want to go home. Please Nicky, don’t do this to me,” I sobbed.
I was so hysterical and unfocused I didn’t even notice when he carried me to the bed and lay down with me. He held me in his arms making shushing noises and combed his fingers through my hair letting me cry, releasing all the pent-up anxiety I was feeling. I cried for my family. I cried for my friends. I cried for the loss of the life I thought I would live. And lastly, I cried for the choice I’d made and everything that came with it.
I cried until there weren’t any tears left inside of me and my sobs became nothing more than hiccups against his chest. I sniffed and wiped my hand across my cheek and took several shuddering breaths to bring myself back under control. I became aware of my position, which was lying on top of Nicholas, my face buried into the crook of his neck and snuggled against the same bare chest I’d been afraid to look at or touch just a short time ago. I quietly reached for the damp towel lying next to us and dried his shoulder and chest from all my tears, and then used it to dry my face and wipe my nose as well.
We lay in silence as his fingers continued their soothing strokes along my scalp, helping to calm me further and I took a last shuddering breath. I tilted my head back so I could look up at him, only to see him watching me closely. He didn’t immediately speak and his expression was thoughtful as he looked at me.
“I’m sorry,” I offered, quietly.
He raised his head from the pillow he was lying on and pressed a soft chaste kiss to my lips. “I understand. It’s just going to take time for you to become comfortable and not be afraid. I’m not a complete ogre, Jayden. I can be patient with you. I just want your promise you’ll continue to be open to me. All right?”
I nodded my consent, thankful he wasn’t angry with me. “I’m trying, Nicholas. Really I am. I just-”
He silenced me with a finger against my lips. “I know. I’m not going to hurt you. I’ll be gentle, I promise.”
He rolled us over until he was lying on top of me. My gown had ridden up around my thighs, giving him the room he needed to settle his hips between my legs. The towel around his waist had loosened significantly, the ends parting so that I felt his steadily growing erection against my inner thigh. Heat rushed to my face and I tensed at the thought of how little fabric actually lay between it and me.
Since he’d kidnapped me, we’d slept in the same bed every night, but tonight everything was different.
Every other night he held me caged in his arms and my ankle was chained to the bed, but I always had the tenuous security of knowing his only expectation on those nights was to hold me.
Sometimes I’d wake to feel his erection tucked between my legs or his thumb brushing lightly against the underside of my breast, but nothing more. He never groped me or pushed for more.
It was hard to believe how much everything had changed. Had it really been just a month since I was crying over a failed test? Had it only been a day since he demanded his first kiss? I guess I could comfort myself and blame my decision on self-preservation. For whatever reason, my family wasn’t coming for me so I had to survive the only way I could. That meant accepting what was happening now. After tonight there’d be no going back for me, even if by some miracle I did ever escape.
Nicholas would always have that part of me I could only give once.
“Have you had sex before?” His voice was soft, but I heard the demand for the truth behind his words.
His hands held my head firmly making me look at him when I answered. I hadn’t thought about what his reaction would be if he thought I’d been with someone else. I was never more grateful for having cautious parents and a lousy dating record than I was in that moment and was glad I could give him the answer he wanted.
“No.”
The tension in his arms eased and he leaned in, capturing my lips with his. His tongue pushed through my lips, and I opened to his demand. His fingers brushed my throat and along my collarbone, creating chills at their soft, teasing touch. He broke our kiss so I could catch my breath as his lips followed the trail his fingers made. I felt the scrape of fabric against my stomach as he slowly pulled my gown up and over my head, tossing it on the floor and baring my breasts to his smoldering gaze.
I raised my hand instinctively to cover myself, only to have Nicholas capture my hands in his, linking our fingers and holding them down on either side of my head.
“No, don’t hide from me, Jayden. You’re absolutely beautiful.” His voice had taken on a husky quality and his blue eyes darkened like the midnight sky outside. “Perfect.”
“I-I don’t know what to do,” I confessed. “Please-”
“Shh. Tonight you don’t have to do anything but feel. You’re giving me a gift tonight, Jayden. I’ll be the only man to ever claim you. You’re my wife and I’ll always be thankful that I found you before someone else touched you.” He leaned down and pressed his lips against my breast over my heart. He continued pressing soft kisses to the swell of my breasts, waiting for my nerves to calm and my breathing to slow down again. “Just relax.”
I felt his warm breath just before his lips closed over my breast, startling me when he began to suckle gently. I could feel his tongue swirl around my nipple and his teeth slightly scrape the sensitive flesh.
My eyes closed against the sensation he was creating and the butterflies in my stomach began to flutter from more than just fear when he shifted to capture my other nipple between his teeth.
An involuntary whimper escaped my lips when his lips trailed down the side of my breast and his teeth nipped at the underside of it. He moved my hands above my head and held them with one hand as he grazed my flesh with his other hand until I felt his fingers brush against my skin just under the edge of my panties. His hips began to rock gently against me and I couldn’t stop myself from shifting my legs, opening them further so he pressed his erection more firmly against the apex of my legs.
His lips left a heated path from my breast and along my neck until he captured my mouth again in a passionate kiss. I didn’t understand the things I was feeling. My fear of Nicholas and the unknown mixed with the sensations he was creating in me. I was lightheaded from the lack of oxygen in our kiss and had to turn my head to catch my breath, leaving my neck exposed to his mouth, which he took full advantage of.
Something was building in the pit
of my stomach I didn’t understand, but I wanted more of whatever it was. I struggled in his arms to break the hold he had on my hands. I needed to hold him somehow.
He had to be closer.
“Please,” I whimpered.
My back arched when his lips closed over my breast once again, trying to force him to suckle deeper.
I wanted him to touch me. I needed him to touch me. I hated that he could use my body against me. He was forcing me to accept that it didn’t matter if I hated him or not; he could still make me want him.
No matter what my feelings were toward him or how he tricked me into marrying him, in this moment I wanted him to make love to me and detonate the ticking bomb that was inside of me.
I felt a sharp tug at my hip and heard fabric tearing. Then there was a rush of cool air between my legs before his hand covered me. I cried out at the first touch of his fingers pressing against my flesh, and
shook my head in denial when I felt his finger enter me.
“No,” I cried.
At my cry his lips left my breast and covered my mouth again. My tongue warred with his as I fought myself and him. I wanted the completion of what he was doing to me, but I didn’t want him. He finally released my hands and I moved them quickly to grasp his hair in my fists. I tugged at his scalp; whether to push him away or pull him closer, I honestly couldn’t say in that moment, because the tension in my body was building to a breaking point.
Either way I was going to be lost. For the rest of my life, my mind would war with my body. Tonight my body won.
My legs wrapped around his hips trapping his hand between us, acknowledging my surrender. I clung to him and he swallowed my cries when his erection replaced his fingers and he pressed forward, taking from me what I could never give again.
Despite all the tears I’d already cried, I found enough to mourn the loss of who I used to be and could never be again. I tried to block out the words he whispered in my ears as his hips thrust against me one last time and he collapsed on me, but there was no hiding from the truth.
The Darkness of Perfection Page 16