“Like feather pillows,” she said. “Nash Lamont is a heavy-duty machine on the outside, but on the inside he’s got a big heart and a bigger bag of secrets that he really needs to unload.”
“What’s a heavy ’chine?” Emma rubbed the sleep from her eyes.
“Me want pandycakes,” Silas said right behind her.
“Chocolate chip, blueberry, or plain?” She turned around.
“Chockit chip,” Silas said.
“Me, too.” Emma nodded.
Kasey thought about Nash the whole time she stirred chocolate chips into the batter. His hands had been magic on her neck and shoulders the day before. He was a hard worker and really good with kids, but the thing that she thought about most was the chemistry between them when he kissed her. She wanted more, but these past days, he seemed preoccupied and ready to get out of the house every time they were alone.
“Maybe he’s realizing that he wants a family of his own someday and not a ready-made one,” she whispered as she poured batter onto the grill. “Maybe I’m in the same boat with him. I’m ready to move on and he’s here so it stands to reason that I’d…oh, stop it!”
“I didn’t do nothin’,” Emma said loudly. “Silas is a good boy, too.”
“Me good boy,” he said with a nod.
“You’re both being very good.” Kasey flipped half a dozen small pancakes on a platter. “Pandy cakes for two hungry little monkeys.”
“Not a monkey.” Silas frowned.
“Monkeys like chocolate.” Emma grinned.
Silas tapped his chest. “Me monkey.”
Kasey laughed and poured warm syrup on the pancakes. Her monkeys were growing up so fast that it was frightening. Nash was excellent with them, but when it came down to the wire, he probably wouldn’t want a ready-made family. Maybe that’s what he was talking about when he said things were complicated.
“Lord, why am I thinking of him in that way? I’m just his friend and we’ve only shared a few kisses. What’s the matter with me?” she muttered under her breath.
“You kissed a monkey?” Emma frowned.
“Of course I did.” Kasey bent to kiss Emma on the forehead. “I kiss three of them every day and love all of them.”
“Who loves who?” Jace asked as he pushed through the back door.
“Mama loves me,” Emma declared.
“You have breakfast? I’ve got more pancake batter,” Kasey asked.
“Already ate. Just came by to see if Rustin is doin’ okay?”
“Oh, yeah.” She told him about how now Trey was one of the boys’ new friends and they were teaching him not to be a sissy.
Jace poured himself a cup of coffee and leaned against the cabinet. “That sounds more like Brody than me or you. And how’s things goin’ over here?”
“As in?”
He wiggled his eyebrows.
“Come on, Jace. I’m only here to help, not fall in love.”
“Me monkey,” Silas said.
Jace ruffled Silas’s hair. “Yes, you are.”
“We were talking about me loving my three little monkeys,” Kasey explained.
“I’m so jealous of you that I could just spit,” Jace said seriously. “I wish I’d gotten married when I was twenty like Adam did.”
Kasey pulled a package of hamburger from the freezer and laid it on the cabinet to thaw. It was a good day for a pot of beef and vegetable soup. She’d make enough to have leftovers for supper, since Rustin loved it so much. “You weren’t in love at twenty.”
“I was in love with Carlene or thought I was.” He sighed.
“Carlene Varner?” Kasey asked. “The girl you took to the prom your senior year. She was really cute, but I didn’t think y’all were serious.”
He nodded. “We weren’t. Not really but it might have gotten serious if I hadn’t gone to college and her dad hadn’t gotten transferred. Crazy thing is that sometimes a woman with long blond hair will catch my eye and I still think about her.”
Kasey cleaned both kids’ hands and faces and set them on the floor. “We’ll get you dressed in a few minutes and maybe go out to the barn to see the sheep. Isn’t she kin to Rosalie Varner? You ever ask her about Carlene?”
“Once, but she said that sometimes it’s too late to do what you should have been doin’ all along. Whatever that means is beyond me. Don’t matter anyway. It’s just seeing you happy makes me wish maybe things might have worked out with her so I’d have kids by now.” Jace finished his coffee. “I’ll help with that and go with you. And I don’t mean to pry, Sis. I just like seeing you happy again. Before you came over here you did what you were supposed to do but now…well, I think you’re finally moving on.”
“I am and Nash is helping me, but that doesn’t mean…”
He held up a hand. “I just don’t want to see you slide backward after Christmas. I’d rather see you live here forever and be his roommate as that.”
“Was it that bad?” she asked.
Jace threw an arm around her shoulders. “To see our sister lose her sass? Yes, it was.”
“Thanks for caring. Now let’s get the kids bundled up and take them outside for a little while. Did you hear that we’re in for a big snowstorm this next week?”
“I did.” He grinned. “We sure might have to have the live nativity scene inside the church again this year. And, Kasey, I meant what I said. I’m in your corner anytime you need me.”
She hip bumped him. “Love you, brother. Maybe it’s time that we both move on.”
Chapter Fifteen
Valerie brushed a light dusting of snow from her shoulders when she came into the kitchen through the back door that Saturday morning. Emma was a blur as she ran across the floor to wrap her arms around her grandmother’s legs. She wore mismatched socks and a bright red sweat suit with a pink and green tutu over the top.
“She dressed herself this morning,” Kasey said.
Valerie stooped to hug her. “And a fine festive job she did of it. Where are your boots, baby girl?”
She ran off toward the living room and came back wearing cowboy boots that had once belonged to Rustin. “I’m ready.”
“Rustin!” Valerie called out as she straightened up. “Where are Nash and Silas?”
“Me go, too?” Silas carried his coat into the kitchen and handed it to Valerie.
“You aren’t in the program this year,” Valerie told him.
He puckered up and his fists went to his eyes. “Peese,” he begged.
Valerie picked him up and held him close. “You can go to the church with us and help me in the kitchen while Rustin and Emma practice. Okay?”
“Tay.” He sniffled. “Nashie?”
“No, honey, Nash has to stay here. Why is it that the one name he says plainly is Nash?” Valerie muttered.
“Bowdy and Ace?” Silas grinned.
“Brody, Jace, and Nash have to stay home and work,” Kasey said. “N’s are easier than blended letters and J’s, evidently.”
Rustin breezed into the room, fully dressed, hair combed, boots on the right feet and his coat on. It might have been buttoned crooked but hey, he’d gotten the rest of it right so that was no big thing.
“Jace says that he sees a difference in you since you came over here. I don’t,” Valerie said.
“Guess it’s all in the eyes of the beholder, kind of like beauty.”
“And the beastie,” Emma said. “I like that movie.”
Valerie set Silas on the floor and buttoned up his jacket. “Everyone ready? It’s cold out there. We might have a white Christmas again this year.”
“Snowman!” Emma jumped up and down.
“Sandy Claws,” Silas said seriously.
“I wish I’d never told them that Santa was coming here. If I hadn’t, you wouldn’t have an excuse,” Valerie said.
“I don’t need an excuse or even a reason. I gave my word that we’d celebrate Christmas here and I’m keeping it.” Kasey kissed each child on the forehead.
“Maybe I do see a difference, and it’s not for the better,” Valerie fussed.
“Mama, do you remember how much you hated Lila?”
“This is different.” Valerie glared at her.
“I’m not going to marry Nash, but we’re helping each other get past some tough times. I miss talkin’ to you. Let’s agree to disagree. It’s Christmas, for Jesus’s sake.”
“Amen!” Silas bowed his head.
Valerie giggled. “Out of the mouths of babes. Okay, I miss you, too. But I’ll be glad when you’re back at Hope Springs where you belong.”
“It’s only a few more weeks.” Kasey draped an arm around her mother’s shoulders and hugged her. “A wise woman told me two years ago after a very painful funeral that everything happens for a reason.”
“That woman should have kept her mouth shut. I need the van keys so I don’t have to move car seats.”
Kasey moved away from her and pointed toward a nail beside the back door. “The ones with the horseshoe charm. See you at noon, right?”
“No, we’re havin’ hot dogs at the church for the kids after practice and then I thought I’d take them home with me for the afternoon. I’ll have them back by bedtime. We’re goin’ to make more cookies for the ranch Christmas party. Chocolate chip and peanut butter freeze well.”
“Have fun,” Kasey said.
“What are you going to do today?” Valerie asked.
“Wrap presents and maybe go to town for groceries,” she answered.
“If you get done, I can always use a few loaves of your famous banana bread for the ranch party. Folks love it with that cream cheese stuff you put in the middle of two slices.”
Through the kitchen window, Kasey caught sight of Nash coming toward the house from the barn. His strides were long and his wide shoulders were hunched against the cold.
“Will do, Mama,” she said absentmindedly.
* * *
“Now’s my chance,” Nash said to himself as he waved at the kids. “Valerie is even takin’ Silas, which means this is the perfect time.”
His hands had gone clammy inside the leather work gloves, and although there was nothing on his shoulders, the imaginary weight was far heavier than two bags of feed or even a newborn calf. There was no doubt in his mind that he’d seen the last of the kids and that Kasey would be packed up and gone by noon. He glanced at the doghouse, where three black pups were curled up inside, out of the blowing snow. Later he’d take it over to Hope Springs, maybe under the cover of night so that Kasey or the kids wouldn’t have to look at him.
He hung his coat on a nail inside the back door, removed his cowboy hat, and laid it on the cabinet, then peeled off his gloves and put them inside the hat. He poured a cup of steaming hot coffee and carried it to the living room.
“How’s the new lamb. Still in the barn?” Kasey removed a cake from the oven and set it on the cabinet to cool.
“Doin’ fine. I’ll turn him and his mama out into the corral with the rest of the flock as soon as this weather breaks. Kasey, we need to talk,” he said bluntly and headed into the living room.
She followed him into the living room. “Yes, we do.”
He sat down in the rocking chair and tried to calm the tightness in his chest “It’s about this thing between us.”
She hiked a hip on the arm of the sofa. “Okay.”
“I need to tell you a story that’s classified. I swore an oath not to…”
She slid over onto the end of the sofa and propped her feet on the coffee table. “Then don’t.”
“It’s about Adam,” he said.
She put her feet on the floor and leaned forward. “Go on.”
“This is all in confidence. Please promise me that what is said in this room right now stays in this room.”
“You knew Adam?” she said without a second’s pause.
“There were six of us that formed a bond in basic training. We went on to different bases, but our superiors had seen how well we worked together as a team and sent us for more extensive training. We weren’t the Rangers, but we were a little elite group that they sent in for black ops. Do you know what that is?”
“It was when Adam came in, grabbed his go-bag, and said that he’d see me when he got back. I knew better than to ask questions. Why didn’t you tell me that you knew him?” Her voice caught and cracked.
“I knew him before y’all were married. He was part of the team that I’ve mentioned.” Nash wanted to get it all out and over with, but he had to go slow so that she wouldn’t be blasted with too much information at one time.
Tears welled up in her eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me before now? Were you with him when he died?”
He wanted to rush to her side, hold her, and wipe away the pain, but he sat still. When he was finished, it would be easier for her and him both if she wasn’t in his arms.
“I was with him a few minutes before, but I didn’t see him go.”
“Did he…” Tears streamed down her face.
He shook his head. “He did not suffer, Kasey. He never saw it coming. None of us did.”
Kasey wiped the back of her hand across her wet cheeks.
“All he talked about from the day I met him was you, Kasey,” Nash said, his throat getting choked up. “And then the kids when they came along. He was the only family man among us, and listening to him gave us hope that someday we would find what he had with you.” Nash fought the desire to go to her, but he knew if he did he’d never be able to go on with the rest of the story.
“A high-ranking official in the government had been kidnapped somewhere in France,” he continued. “We didn’t know the particulars—just that he was being held in Afghanistan and if we didn’t pay a big ransom they would kill him.”
“The US doesn’t negotiate with terrorists,” she whispered.
“That’s right. They send in a team to rescue the person. We’d done it dozens of times. Adam was a genius who always came up with a simple plan and it always worked.”
She held her hands so tightly in her lap that her knuckles were white. “Except that time.”
“No, it worked that time, too. I told you part of this before when I had that nightmare,” he said and paused a few seconds before he went on. “We got the guy out of the place, but he needed medical help. Our doc got into the backseat of the vehicle with him to keep him alive. Adam volunteered to drive the lead vehicle so I could stay back and better protect the man we’d rescued. We could see a sandstorm comin’ on the horizon and knew there was a chance we’d be separated.”
“He was like that, always ready to help.” She wiped her cheeks but the tears kept coming.
“I truly don’t think he ever saw or heard that rocket. It came out of nowhere. I knew there was no way they were alive, Kasey, but it still killed me not to be able to stop and check. My duty was to get our man to safety. And he needed a hospital. It should have been me in that vehicle, not Adam. He had a family and he died because of me.”
He couldn’t look at her face but he could feel her staring at him. He wanted to meet her eyes, to tell her a thousand times that he was sorry and to hold her while she processed all of what he’d just said.
* * *
She stood up and he did the same. It all made sense now about why he thought she was his wife. He’d seen pictures of her and of Rustin. Adam carried a whole string of them.
“You son of a bitch. How could you not tell me?” She took two steps and beat at his chest with her fists.
He stood there, arms to his side, sadness filling his face and tears in his eyes. “I’m so sorry, Kasey. He was part of my team, but…”
“There’s no excuse. Right now I don’t even want to look at you or talk to you.” She spun around and ran up the stairs, sobbing the whole way.
She threw herself on the bed and wept into her pillow. “Complicated, my ass!” She beat on it like she had on Nash’s broad chest as her heart shattered all over again for the loss of her
precious husband. Just a mere minute difference in timing and Adam would have been alive today and the rocket would have exploded the second vehicle. Just another hundred yards or maybe even less and he would have been in the delivery room with her when Silas was born.
It wasn’t meant to be that way. The voice in her head was Adam’s without a doubt. And it’s time for you to let me go, Kasey. My soul can’t be at rest if you don’t.
“I can’t. You were the love of my life. If it hadn’t been for our children I would have died that day they told me you were comin’ home in a casket,” she whispered.
Nash is a good man.
“But he should be dead and you should be alive.” Her hands clenched into fists and she drew back to hit the headboard but thought better of it and beat on the pillow some more. The few times that she’d heard Adam’s voice before he’d agreed with her decisions, but today his tone had the same edge that he’d had when they argued.
You need someone in your life to make you happy again. I’ll never be far away because we have three beautiful children that will always help keep me in your memory, but it’s time for you to live in the present, think about the future and not the past. Give him a chance. I trust him and I forgive him. I made that decision. He didn’t.
“Don’t go,” she groaned. “Please, Adam, don’t.”
She sat up and reached for something that wasn’t there. She would never hear his voice again. When Adam said something, it was so final that it could be written in stone, and he’d gone for good this time.
“I can’t let you go, Adam,” she whispered.
A gentle knock on her door made her want to crawl out the window, shimmy down to the ground, and run so far away that she didn’t have to think about what she’d heard.
“Kasey? Are you all right?” Nash’s voice broke.
She crossed the room and slung open the door. “No, I’m not all right. Everything is wrong and I’m confused. Why would God do this? Why didn’t you tell me? I’m so mad at you that I’m seeing red spots.”
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