The breakthrough had come less than a week ago.
Sitting in his armchair one evening, facing across the room, Metcalfe had forced himself to concentrate. He knew he still had more to do, but was finding it increasingly hard to puzzle out what it might be.
The initial position he’d found for the desk, though an improvement, had turned out to be wrong. Now it stood on its end, partially obscuring the door to the hall, and that was perfect. He could feel the utter correctness of that corner of the room, as he could of all the others. The pile in the carpet was brushed in the correct directions, and the thin white line he had drawn at a certain angle on one wall had been, he was sure, a conclusive touch. After painting it he’d had what he could only describe as a blackout. For half an hour he’d lost all sense of time and place, even of self. Everyday thoughts and worries had left him, and for that brief period it was almost as if he’d become simply an object.
Coming to, taking back his customary relationship to the world, had felt like an unwanted weight settling back onto his mind. It was while remembering this feeling that Metcalfe realized it was not enough simply to arrange objects in relation to each other. Harmony between them was most of the work, but not all. They were not the only things in the room.
There was one more, and its positioning was just as important.
Carefully, Metcalfe wiped his finger on the carpet to pick up the speck of dust. As he moved his arm closer to where he knew the mote should go, he felt the proof of what was coming, the quiet joy of knowing he’d been right.
He dropped the speck.
An easy thing to forget, his body. Thirty years of believing that the thing he lived in was somehow different, somehow special, had blinded him to its essential similarity to everything else in the world, to all the other things that took up space. As he experimented over the following days, first finding his ideal position within the room and then readjusting other objects in line with the altered relationships this caused, he came to realise what a sham the body’s individuality was.
As he fine-tuned and got closer to the truth, it became harder and harder to think of himself as different. It became difficult to think at all, in fact. His mind relaxed, relinquishing its accustomed difference to the outside world and slowly feeling its way towards dissolution. If he could have brought himself to believe it still important, he would have liked to tell someone what he’d discovered.
That all things have a place, and that a man is just a thing.
Metcalfe watched with wonder as the speck fell into position, everything becoming white before his eyes.
His breath slowed, the movement of his lungs and other organs ceasing to beat a rhythm.
As the mote came to rest, he stopped, became still; merely one object among many, in an untidy room.
Substitutions
Halfway through unpacking the second red bag I turned to my wife — who was busily engaged in pecking out an email on her Blackberry — and said something encouraging about the bag’s contents.
‘Well, you know,’ she said, not really paying attention. ‘I do try.’
I went back to taking items out and laying them on the counter, which is my way. Because I work from home it’s always me who unpacks the grocery shopping when it’s delivered: Helen’s presence this morning was unusual, courtesy of a meeting that had been put back an hour (the subject of the terse email currently being hammered out). Rather than standing with the fridge door open and putting items directly into it, I put everything on the counter first, so I can sort through it and get a sense of what’s there, then stowing everything neatly in the fridge organized by type/nature/potential meal groupings, as a kind of Phase Two of the unloading operation.
The content of the bags — red ones for stuff that needs refrigeration, purple for freezer goods, green for everything else — is never entirely predictable. My wife has control of the online ordering process, which she conducts either from her laptop or, in extremis, her phone. While I’ve not personally constructed the order, however, its contents are seldom much of a surprise. There’s an established pattern. We have cats, so there’ll be two large bags of litter — it’s precisely being able to avoid hoicking that kind of thing off supermarket shelves, into a trolley and across a busy car park which makes online grocery shopping such a boon. There will be a few green bags containing bottled water, sacks for the rubbish bins, toilet rolls and paper towel, cleaning materials, tins of store cupboard staples (baked beans, tuna, tinned tomatoes), a box of Diet Coke for me (which Helen tolerates on the condition that I never let it anywhere near our son), that kind of thing. There will be one, or at the most two, purple bags of frozen goods, holding frozen peas, frozen organic fish cakes for the kid, and so on. We never buy enough frozen food to fill more than one purple carrier but sometimes they split it between a couple, presumably for some logistical reason. Helen views this as both a waste of resources and a threat to the environment, and has sent at least two emails to the company on the subject. I don’t mind much as we use the bags for clearing out the cats’ litter tray, and I’d rather have spares on hand than risk running out.
Then there’s the red bags, the main event. The red bags represent the daily news of food consumption — in contrast to the contextual magazine articles of the green bags, or the long-term forecasts of the purple. In the red bags will be the Greek yoghurt, blueberries and strawberries Helen uses to make her morning smoothie; a variety of vegetables and salad materials; some free-range and organic chicken fillets (I never used to be clear on the difference between the non-identical twin joys of organic and free range, but eleven years of marriage has made me better informed); some extra-sharp cheddar (Helen favours cheese that tastes as though it wants your tongue to be sad), and a few other bits and pieces.
The individual items may vary a little from week to week, but basically, that’s what gets brought to our door most Wednesday mornings. Once in a while there may be substitutions in the delivery (when the supermarket has run out of a specified item, and one judged to be of near equivalence is provided instead): these have to be carefully checked, as Helen’s idea of similarity differs somewhat from the supermarket’s. Otherwise, you could set your watch by our shopping, if you’ll pardon the mixed metaphor — and this continuity of content is why I’d turned to Helen when I was halfway through the second red bag.
Yes, there’d been spring onions and a set of red, green and yellow peppers — standard weekly fare. But there were also two packs of brightly-colored and fun-filled children’s yoghurts, and a block of much milder cheddar of the kind Oscar and I tend to prefer, plus a family pack of deadly-looking chocolate desserts. Not to mention a six-pack of thick and juicy-looking steaks, and a large variety pack of further Italian cured meats holding five different types of salami.
‘Yum,’ I said.
I was genuinely pleased, and a little touched. Normally I source this kind of stuff — on the few occasions when I treat myself — from the deli or mini-market which are both about ten minutes’ walk away from the house (in opposite directions, sadly). Seeing it come into the house via the more socially-condoned route of the supermarket delivery was strangely affecting.
‘Hmm?’ Helen said. She was nearing the end of her email. I could tell because the speed of her typing increases markedly as she approaches the point when she can fire her missive off into space.
She jabbed send and finally looked up properly. ‘What’s that you said?’
‘Good shop. Unusual. But I like it.’
She smiled, glad that I was happy, but then frowned. ‘What the hell’s that?’
I looked where she was pointing. ‘Yoghurts.’
She grabbed the pack and stared with evident distaste at the ingredient list. ‘I didn’t order those. Obviously. Or that.’ Now she was pointing at the pile of salamis and meats. ‘And the cheese is wrong. Oh, bloody hell.’
And with that, she was gone.
I waited, becalmed in the kitchen, to see what woul
d unfold. A quick look in the other bags — the greens and purples — didn’t explain much. They all contained exactly the kind of thing we tended to order.
Five minutes later I heard the sound of two pairs of footsteps coming down the stairs. Helen re-entered the kitchen followed by the man who’d delivered the shopping. He was carrying three red bags and looked mildly cowed.
‘What it is, right,’ he muttered, defensively, ‘Is the checking system. I’ve told management about it before. There are flaws. In the checking system.’
‘I’m sure it can’t be helped,’ Helen said, cheerfully, and turned to me. ‘Bottom line is that all the bags are correct except for the red ones, which belong to someone else.’
When I’d put all the items from the counter back into the bags I’d taken them out of, an exchange took place. Their red bags, for ours. The delivery guy apologized five more times — somehow making it clear, without recourse to words, that he was apologizing for the system as a whole, rather than any failure on his part — and trudged off back up the stairs.
‘I’ll let him out,’ Helen said, darting forward to give me a peck on the cheek. ‘Got to go anyway. You’re alright unpacking all this, yes?’
‘Of course,’ I said. ‘I always manage somehow.’
And off she went. It only took a few minutes to unpack the low-fat yoghurts, sharp cheese, salad materials and free-range and organic chicken breasts.
A funny thing happened, however. When I broke off from work late morning to go down to the kitchen to make a cup of tea, I lingered at the fridge for a moment after getting the milk out, and I found myself thinking:
What if that had been our food?
I wasn’t expressing discontent. We eat well. I personally don’t have much of a fix on what eating healthily involves (beyond the fact it evidently requires ingesting more fruit and vegetables per day than feels entirely natural), and so it’s a good thing that Helen does. If there’s anything that I want which doesn’t arrive at our door through the effortless magic of supermarket delivery, there’s nothing to stop me going out and buying it myself. It’s not as if the fridge or cupboards have been programmed to reject non-acceptable items, or to set off a siren and contact the diet police when confronted with off-topic foodstuffs.
It was more that I got a sudden and strangely wistful glimpse of another life — and of another woman.
I was being assumptive, of course. It was entirely possible that the contents of the red bags I’d originally unpacked had been selected by the male of some nearby household. It didn’t feel that way, however. It seemed easier to believe that somewhere nearby was another household rather like ours. A man, a woman, and a child (or perhaps two, we’re unusual in having stopped at one). All the people in this family would be different to us, of course, but for the moment it was the idea of the woman which stuck in my head.
I wondered what she’d look like. What kind of things made her laugh. How, too, she’d managed to miss out on the health propaganda constantly pushed at the middle-classes (she had to be middle class, most people in our neighborhood are, and everyone who orders online from our particular supermarket has to be, it’s the law) — or what had empowered her to ignore it.
We get steak every now and then, of course — but it would never be in the company of all the other meats and rich foods. One dose of weapons-grade animal fats per week is quite risky enough for this household, thank you. We live a moderate, evenly-balanced life when it comes to food (and, really, when it comes to everything else). The shopping I’d seen conjured the idea of a household which sailed a different sea — and of a different kind of woman steering the ship.
I was a little intrigued, that’s all.
A couple of days later, I was still intrigued. You’d be right in suspecting this speaks of a life in which excitement levels are low. I edit, from home. Technical manuals are my bread and butter, leavened with the occasional longer piece of IT journalism. I’m good at it, fast and accurate, and for the most part enjoy my work. Perhaps ‘enjoy’ isn’t quite the right word (putting my editing hat on for a moment): let’s say instead that I’m content that it’s my profession, am well-paid and always busy, and feel no strong desire to be doing anything else, either in general or particular.
But nobody’s going to be making a movie of my life any day soon. Not even French director would touch it.
And that’s perhaps why, sometimes, little ideas will get into my head and stick around for longer than they might in the mind of someone who has more pressing or varied (or compelling) things to deal with on a day-to-day basis.
I was still thinking about this other woman.
This different girl.
Not in a salacious way — how could I be? I had no idea what she looked like, or what kind of person she was (beyond that indicated by her supermarket choices). That’s the key word, I think — difference. Like any man who’s been in a relationship for a long time (and doubtless a lot of women too, I’ve never asked), once in a while you beguile a few minutes in fantasy. Sometimes these are sexual, of course, but often it’s something more subtle which catches your internal eye. I’ve never felt the urge to be unfaithful to Helen — even now our sex life has dropped to the distant background hum of the long-term married — and that’s partly because, having thought it through, I’ve come to believe that fantasies are generally not about other people, but about yourself. What’s really going on, if you spend a few minutes dreaming about living in a scuzzy urban bedsit with a (much younger) tattooed barmaid/suicide doll, or cruising some sunny, fuzzy life with a languid French female chef? These women aren’t real, of course, and so the attraction cannot be bedded in them. They don’t exist. Doubtless these and all other alternate lifestyles would come to feel everyday and stale after a while, too, and so I suspect the appeal of such daydreams actually lies in the shifted perception of yourself that these nebulous lives would enshrine.
You’d see yourself differently, and so would other people, and that’s what your mind is really playing with: a different you, in a different now.
Perhaps that insight speaks merely of a lack of courage (or testosterone); nonetheless, the idea of this nearby woman kept cropping up in my mind. Perhaps there was also a creative part of my mind seeking voice. I don’t edit fiction, and have never tried to write any either. I enjoy working with words, helping to corral them into neat and meaningful pens like so many conceptual sheep, but I’ve discovered in myself neither the ability nor the urge to seek to make them evoke people or situations which are not ‘true’. With this imaginary woman, however — not actually imaginary of course, unless it was a man, it was more a case of her being ‘unknown’ — I found myself trying to picture her, her house, and her life. I guess it’s that thing which happens sometimes in airports and on trains, when you’re confronted with evidence of other real people leading presumably real lives, and you wonder where everyone’s going, and why: wonder why the person in the seat opposite is reading that particular book, and who they’ll be meeting at the other end of the journey you’re, for the moment, sharing.
With so little to go on, my mind was trying to fill in the gaps, tell me a story. It was a bit of fun, I suppose, a way of going beyond the walls of the home office in which I spend all my days. I’m sure I wouldn’t have tried to take it further, if it hadn’t been for the man from the supermarket.
A week to the day after the first delivery, he appeared on our doorstep again. This was a little unusual. Not there being another order — Helen considerately books the deliveries into the same time slot every week, so they don’t disrupt my working patterns — but it being the same man. In the several years we’ve been getting our groceries in this way, I’m not sure I’ve ever encountered the same person twice, or at least not soon enough that I’ve recognized them from a previous delivery.
But here he was again.
‘Morning,’ he said, standing there like a scruffy Christmas tree, laden with bags of things to eat or clean or wipe
surfaces or bottoms with. ‘Downstairs, right?’
I stood aside to let him pass, and saw there were a couple more crates full of bags on the path outside. That meant I had a few minutes to think, which I suddenly found I was doing.
I held the door open while he came up, re-ladened himself, and tramped back downstairs again. By the time he trudged up the stairs once more, I had a plan.
‘Right then,’ he said, digging into a pocket and pulling out a piece of paper. He glanced at it, then thrust it in my direction. ‘That’s your lot. Everything’s there. No substitutions.’
Before he could go, however, I held up my hand. ‘Hang on,’ I said, brightly. ‘You remember last week? The thing with the red bags?’
He frowned, and then his face cleared. ‘Oh yeah. That was you, right? Got the wrong red bags, I know. I’ve spoken to Head Office about it, don’t worry.’
‘It’s not that,’ I said. ‘Hang on here a sec, if you don’t mind?’
I quickly trotted downstairs, opened one of the kitchen cupboards and pulled out something more-or-less at random. A tin of corned beef — perfect.
Back up in the hallway, I held it out to the delivery guy. ‘I think this should have gone back into the other person’s bags,’ I said. ‘I’m not sure, but my wife says she didn’t order it.’
The man took the can and peered at it unhappily. ‘Hmm,’ he said. ‘Thought most of the delivery goods was company branded. But it could be. Could be.’
‘Sorry about this,’ I said. ‘Didn’t notice until you were gone. I... I don’t suppose you remember where the other customer lived?’
‘Oh yeah,’ he said. ‘As it happens, I do. Vans in this area only cover a square mile each day, if that. And I had to go through the bags with her, see, in case there was a problem with it, what with you already unpacking it here.’
Everything You Need: Short Stories Page 11