by Bree Wolf
When the carriage came to a halt under the earl’s roofed drive leading up a few steps to the front doors, a footman opened the door, and her husband stepped out. Then he stood aside and allowed the same footman to help her out of the carriage as well.
Ellie was severely disappointed. She had hoped to feel the touch of his hand against hers, even if just for a moment. Did she so repulse him that he could only touch her when the lights were out?
Following him inside, she contented herself with the fact that at least he had offered her his arm. However, she could feel the tension that tightened the muscles in his shoulder and arm.
Walking into the large ballroom, they found that the doors leading to the gardens had been opened, allowing a fresh breeze to dance among the many guests. Large tables held refreshing foods, and a vast array of flowers decorated the entire room. Outside on the terrace, tables and chairs stood in shaded corners, and delighted laughter echoed to their ears from everywhere.
Ellie tensed when heads began to turn and conversations broke off. It was not as though silence fell over the room at their entrance; however, Ellie could hear her heart beating in her chest as she once more found herself the focus of her neighbours’ pitying stares.
Clinging to her husband’s arm, she took a deep breath.
***
Although Frederick was far from enjoying these events, they did not turn his stomach upside down. On the contrary, anger regularly rose at the mindless comments that usually were directed at him at some point during the evening or in this case afternoon. However, if people insisted on asking rude questions, he would simply give rude answers.
He had no patience for their misguided need for gossip.
However, when they walked into the ballroom, Frederick felt a jolt go through his wife’s arm as though she had been slapped, and his gaze involuntary turned to her.
Her eyes were wide and her skin pale as she swallowed and then raised her head. Despite the tremble that shook her frame, he saw determination shining in her eyes.
Shifting his gaze from his wife to the guests already gathered in the earl’s summer home, Frederick finally understood that she, too, found herself facing people whose insensitive behaviour caused her pain. Although he saw smiles on most of the faces turned toward them, Frederick had no trouble detecting the underlying hint of pity that accompanied them all.
Instinctively, the arm that held hers tightened, pulling her closer. Then he guided her away from the throng of people and onto the terrace. The sun shone brightly, and a handful of children played in the gardens. “Would you like some refreshment?” he asked, wondering what had brought on this sudden desire to shield her from the world.
Was it simply because he could relate? Or because he felt it his duty to protect his wife?
“Yes, that would be lovely,” she said, a delighted smile on her face. “Thank you.” Her eyes looked into his as though searching for an answer to something she did not understand.
When he stepped back, Frederick felt her reluctance to let him go in the tense muscles of her arm. He nodded to her then, and she smiled back at him.
As he turned around, she whispered, “Hurry back.”
This short, heart-felt plea touched a place deep down that Frederick couldn’t quite name, and as he headed for the refreshment table, he felt a shiver run over him. However, he wasn’t sure if it was a shiver of dread or anticipation. All he knew was that something had changed.
Nothing earth-shattering had happened, and yet, something was different now.
Don’t overthink it! His heart cautioned, and after retrieving a glass of fruit punch for each of them, he returned to the terrace. Stepping through the doors, he found his wife surrounded by a group of gossip-hungry hyenas.
“My dear marchioness,” Lady Betram beamed although her eyes had narrowed into slits, “I am so relieved to see you here. No one expected to see you out in society.” Silence fell over the group, and suddenly aware of her blunder, Lady Betram coughed and added, “I mean so soon after your wedding. My heart-felt congratulations by the way. We were all quite delighted when we heard about your betrothal. So unexpected!”
Supportive murmurs echoed through the group, and Frederick lifted his eyes to his wife’s face. The forced smile on her lips told him everything he needed to know, and he hurried to her side before another insensitive comment could be made or she would lose the control over her emotions and fuel their gossip even more.
“My dear, here is your punch,” he said loud enough for all to hear. Handing her the glass, he heard the relieved sigh that escaped her lips upon seeing him returned. For a moment, their eyes locked, and he had to force himself to look away. “It is such a beautiful day. What do you say we take a stroll about the gardens, my dear?” Taking her by the elbow, he turned back to the hyenas listening closely to every word of their exchange. “Please excuse us, my ladies.”
Frederick offered a quick bow and then guided his wife down the steps onto the meticulously cut lawn toward the laughing children. The echo of their delighted voices stood in stark contrast to the conniving remarks of their mothers.
“Thank you,” his wife gasped, a deep red colouring her otherwise pale skin. “I never know what to do. Sometimes I wish they would simply say what they truly think.”
Frederick nodded. “Then you would be justified to put them in their place.”
Elsbeth turned to him then, her eyes searching his. “You know what it is like, do you not?”
Frederick shrugged his shoulders, gesturing toward the empty bench below a large oak tree. “To my great regret, I have recently become aware of it. Before, I never knew how insensitive people could be.”
Sitting down, his wife sighed. “I do enjoy company,” she said, lifting her eyes to his, “but I do not wish to be the object of their pity.” Her gaze remained on his as she looked at him openly, and Frederick understood the question she was asking.
Taking a seat himself, Frederick said, “Only those who would see life as a burden deserve our pity, and I can see that you cannot be counted among them.” A dazzling smile came to her lips, and Frederick felt his own tug up in response. “You enjoy life, do you not?”
“I try, but…”
“But they make it difficult for you,” he finished for her, wondering about the woman across from him; the woman he did not know, but who was his wife nonetheless. “The sadness in your life comes from them, not your own heart.”
Staring at him as though he had just shared a secret with her, she smiled, and her eyes lit up like stars in the night sky.
Transfixed, Frederick looked at her, and a sense of warmth washed over him. However, instantly dread settled in his stomach as her eyes swept his face, clearly seeking a deeper understanding of him.
Clearing his throat, he rose to his feet. “I should speak to…a few people and offer our congratulations. Then we can leave.” Stepping back, he nodded to her. “Remain here. I doubt anyone will bother you, but I promise I will keep an eye out for the hyenas.”
“The hyenas?” A quizzical expression came to her face before he saw understanding dawn on her. “Ah, yes, the hyenas. Perfectly named, indeed!”
With a last look, Frederick turned to go. His steps, however, were heavy, and his feet felt weighted-down as though they regretted the direction he had chosen and would have preferred to stay.
As expected, he did not quite escape the gossiping gentlemen among the earl’s guests. Cornered in the back drawing room, he answered their questions with as much patience as he could muster.
“Is Napoleon truly as short as they say?” I’m afraid I’ve never met the man.
“Is it true that a cannon ball can cut through a stone wall?” It cuts through a human being with even greater ease.
“Why exactly does one attach a bayonet to the front of one’s musket? Is it meant to support one’s aim?” No, it’s another way of killing your enemy.
Exasperated, Frederick tried to step past them. However, the
gentlemen would not allow him to escape, their eager faces burning a hole in his soul. With drinks and cigars, they tried to keep him in place, and Frederick felt his control over his emotions slipping. Soon, he would answer them as rudely as their questions were to him and thus cause affront.
His mother would not be pleased.
“There you are, my dear,” his wife’s soft voice cut through the crowd. How they even heard her above the roar of their own voices, Frederick would never know. However, they did, and instantly, the throng of men parted, allowing her through.
With a soft smile on her face, she stepped toward him, and the moment she reached his side, he offered her his arm and led her away from his own group of hungry hyenas.
Finally offering their heart-felt congratulations to their hosts, they also bid them goodbye and made for the carriage immediately lest they be cornered again. Only when they had sunk into their seats and the carriage rumbled down the lane did they breathe a sigh of relief.
“Thank you for coming to my aid, my lady,” Frederick said, knowing only too well the fears she had faced to save him from his own. “I truly am grateful.”
A shy smile came to her face, and a touch of crimson coloured her cheeks as she averted her eyes. “It is no more or less than you yourself did for me.”
Chapter Seventeen – Admitting Defeat
Pacing the length of his study, Frederick glanced out the window as the sun slowly lowered itself behind the horizon heralding the approaching night. Now and then, he would stop, stare at the glowing fireball in the darkening sky, then rake his hands through his hair and ultimately resume pacing.
Only too well did he remember his wife’s glowing eyes as well as her charming smile. Even more did he remember his own reaction to it.
Closing his eyes, he shook his head.
There was no way for him to share her bed that night and still maintain the distance between them. Even in the dark, she would no longer be faceless. Too well did he remember those penetrating blue eyes as they had looked into his with such deep understanding that he had felt stripped to his core. How was it that she could look at him that way? They had only met a few weeks ago; how could she possibly know him?
And yet, when their eyes had met that sunny afternoon for a brief moment, Frederick had thought to see a kindred spirit. She knew agony and suffering just as he did. People looked at both of them and saw only what they wanted to see, and the pain their misjudgement brought tortured them even more. However, one aspect remained that opened up a bottomless ravine between them which nothing would ever be able to bridge.
Unlike his own, darkness did not rule her heart.
Despite the cruel hand fate had dealt her, her soul was pure, loving and innocent. The pain she suffered came from the people around her, not from within herself. Somehow she had walked through hell untouched, and a part of him desperately wanted to know how she had found the strength to do so.
However, it did not matter.
As much as he wanted her to find happiness after everything that had happened, Frederick knew that an intimate relationship between them was not possible. If he was forced to bare his soul to her or anyone for that matter, it would destroy him.
Not even he dared to look at the blackness that resided in his heart and mind. He surely would not survive another’s judgement. Would she despise the man he was if she knew what he had done? He knew that he had no right to find happiness. Unlike her, he had been the cause of the misery he had suffered. It had been his own doing, and now, he had to live with the consequences.
His wife, however, was innocent and deserved whatever happiness life could bring her. If nothing else, it was his duty to see to that.
In addition, if he went to her now, he would lose that sense of detachedness that had always brought him peace of mind. Her touch would force him to explore the dark emotions that rested in his heart, and he knew he would not have the strength to survive such a confrontation.
He needed to see his family safe, and he could not do that if he did not keep everyone at an arm’s length. He had to stay the course until everything was settled and he could leave.
If he was lucky, she was already with child.
***
My dear. He had called her, my dear.
Smiling at herself in the mirror, Ellie danced around her bedchamber in her nightgown. Humming under her breath, she remembered the few moments they had shared that afternoon. Moments free of silence and distance. Moments that had reminded her of that one summer day long ago before adult burdens had started to weigh them down.
Was it truly possible? Could he come to care for her?
Feeling the butterflies flutter in her belly, Ellie smiled.
After extinguishing most of the candles, she retired to bed, her heart beating excitedly in her chest at the possibilities that night held. She snuggled into the covers and waited.
When the moon had risen and fully replaced the sun, its silver rays sparkling on the wall, Ellie was still waiting. By then, the butterflies in her belly had stilled and a sense of trepidation had settled in their place.
And still Ellie waited.
Finally, when the grand clock in the hall downstairs struck midnight, its loud strokes echoing through the silent house, tears streamed down Ellie’s face.
She had to face the truth; he wouldn’t come.
Disappointed beyond words, Ellie cried into her pillows as nagging thoughts of self-doubt invaded her mind. Did he truly not like her? Or was it her scars that he could not see past? Was she so hideous?
For a long time, Ellie wept, allowing the pain in her heart to grow and spread until her limbs felt heavy and her mind became numb. Images of the fire that had destroyed her life rose from the depth of her memories, and in that moment, Ellie fervently wished it had claimed all of her and ended her misery then and there.
Instead, it had doomed her to continue her life on the cusp of other people’s happiness, just watching, never experiencing for herself. Was her life even a life still worth living?
As these thoughts echoed in her head, a small voice rose from the depth of her being. Whispering in her ear, it spoke with a resoluteness that forced Ellie to listen.
Rising from the bed, she brushed away her tears and walked over to her vanity. As she stood in the dim light, staring at her own face in the mirror, anger spread through her heart. It was not the scars that caught her attention as she looked upon her own face, but the utter defeat she saw in her swollen eyes.
Shocked, Ellie stared at the woman she had become.
Although she would never have referred to herself as brave, she had always been confident. With her head held high, she had walked her path, knowing her limits but not allowing them to confine her. Never had she turned away from a problem. Never had she averted her eyes so she wouldn’t have to see what was before her. Never had she succumbed to her own, perceived insecurities.
What had happened to her? At what point had she allowed her scars to define her? Yes, she worried that Frederick might never find her desirable, and yes, that would surely pain her greatly, but was it reason enough to consider her own life worthless? To consider herself worthless?
Beyond the shadow of a doubt, she knew that Frederick had suffered greatly. She couldn’t even imagine what he had lived through on the continent and how the loss of his father and brother had affected him. However, she, too, had suffered. She, too, had faced pain and horror. She, too, had faced the loss of someone she had loved.
And still she had triumphed.
Or at least at first. However, at some point, she had succumbed to the misjudgement of others, of all those people who believed that her life was over, that she had no reason to hope for the future.
Her hands balled into fists, stretching her scarred skin, and her jaw clenched as she stared at the woman she had become.
Disgust settled in her stomach at the very sight of her own face. Never had she thought it would come this far. And never would she allow for i
t to happen again.
Taking a deep breath, Ellie unclenched her hands. Then she turned and faced the closed door to her husband’s bedchamber.
Frederick needed time. She knew she ought to be patient and not rush him. However, that did not mean she ought to allow him to wallow in his misery. Doing so would only bring him to the brink of surrender. Did he entertain the same thoughts that had only just now shocked her into realising that she had admitted defeat after all?
Ellie didn’t know, but she knew with a certainty born out of personal experience that ignoring his pain would not destroy it. In fact, it would only return stronger and destroy him instead. Somehow, she had to find a way to break down his defences and make him feel.
Whether he wanted to or not.
She would be patient, and she would be gentle, but she would not allow him to dictate the terms of their relationship.
She was his wife, and whether he wanted to or not, she would not only save his life but also his soul as well.
Now more than ever, Ellie knew that she deserved her happily-ever-after, and by God, she would get it.
Chapter Eighteen – A Word Given
“He can be rather mule-headed at times, can he not?” Maryann asked, twirling the parasol in her hands.
Ellie sighed. “In my opinion, that is quite an understatement.”
Maryann chuckled.
As they walked along the shore line of the lake to the east of Elmridge, Ellie’s eyes shifted to Mathilda lying on a blanket in the shade of a large juniper tree, fast asleep. After spending the whole morning swimming in the cool, clear blue water, the young girl was exhausted and had barely been able to keep her eyes open during the little picnic they had brought.
“Did he do something?” Maryann asked, her eyes serious. “The last few days, you seemed different. Rather annoyed with him, to tell you the truth.”
Ellie shrugged. “I’m still trying to find my way, I suppose.” Picking up a small pebble, she flung it into the water. “At the garden party, he seemed to warm to me, but now…,” knowing how much his family cared for him, Ellie chose her words carefully, “he is even more distant than before. I only wish I knew what scared him that day.”