Helmut Goes Abroad

by Matt Sheehan

  “Yeah, I don’t remember it like that. By the way, when’s dinner?”

  I asked him what he and Ramón talked about, but he stayed mum. Shamus loves knowing something I don’t. Dinner was a few hours off, but it was well worth the wait. They prepared a wide variety of roasted meats, seasoned in wonderful ways that I haven’t tasted since, as well as various rice and vegetable dishes. I suppose it was all healthy, but the intense favors made it worthwhile.

  Shamus was peppered throughout the meal with a plethora of questions regarding the techniques he used to heal Ramón. I think he tried to answer honestly, but the truth is, what he does is more art than science. So he gave the mages his best guess, and hopefully that helped them a bit.

  Ramón was chomping at the bit to leave; he wanted to start before nightfall, but luckily Captain Roberts was nowhere to be found. None of the rest of us was really in a hurry to get back on that musty-smelling boat, even though we knew we had to eventually.

  Finding Roberts and his first mate actually became an issue. Fortunately there was a detective available who had a history of finding people. No, not the Druid. Shamus was busy trying to build back his lost body weight.

  It only took me a few hours. It was just a matter of canvasing some of the seedier bars and houses of disrepute and asking about the large, hairy and loud captain. Using a little coin to grease palms and aid memories certainly helped.

  When I found him, Roberts was at least dressed, but otherwise he was in no condition for—and wasn’t particularly interested in anyway—leaving port. I reminded him that Shamus could work with Likos on his particular brand of deep-sea fishing, but explained that if we had to find alternate transportation, he would be out of luck.

  That line of reasoning sobered Roberts up a bit, and he promised to have the ship and crew ready to go first thing in the morning. The agreement we came to was that after the short trip to Cyprus, Shamus would train Likos, and in the process fill his empty holds. After that Roberts would drop us at whatever major port we liked.

  That piece of business done, he told me to get lost, so he could enjoy his one last evening out on the town. I left him with a girl on each arm and a pitcher-sized mug of ale on the table in front of him.

  Ramón was relieved that I was able to find the captain, seeing as the quarry of his decades-long pursuit was almost within reach. He spent the rest of the day trying to rehab his not-quite-healed abdominal muscles in preparation for the upcoming trip.

  This was also our last day with Alek and his men. Alek had contacted his superiors, and they felt we had enough firepower to complete our wild-goose chase without any more assistance from an elite counterintelligence team. Don’t get me wrong, they appreciated the fact that Magnus was no longer a threat, I just don’t think they saw any further benefit going forward.

  So we said our goodbyes, knowing that there would probably be opportunities to work together in the future. There was a bit of semiserious recruitment talk, but I was pretty happy with my current lifestyle, and Shamus would never take to taking orders. Can you imagine him in boot camp? It was hard enough for me, and I don’t mind getting up early and working out.

  Ramón didn’t seem to have superiors. He just said he was on open assignment, which I guess meant he did whatever he wanted. I could have handled that deal. It would have been a great night to celebrate, but with Nero gone and Shamus and Ramón on the mend, I didn’t have a wingman.

  I decided that in the spirit of international relations, it would be best for society if I got out and mingled with the local ladies. I was prepared to row myself over in the boat like I had earlier in the day, but on a lark I asked Xerxes the easiest way to get to market. I thought they might have had a powerboat, or—out of appreciation—have offered to have a few mages do the rowing for me. I was prepared to row myself over in the boat, but on a lark I asked Xerxes the easiest way to get to market. Instead he said to take the tunnel.

  It turns out that the mages, who literally had nothing better to do all these years, had dug an escape route that led into the basement of a house they owned in town. I found out the house was fully furnished, but had been unused for years. The possibilities flashed before my eyes. The idea I finally fixed on was much less self-serving than I for one would have expected.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I woke up sandwiched between two Persian beauties. That part, I admit, was completely self-serving. But in all honesty, that was going to happen regardless. The fact that most of the mages woke up in a similar condition was all my doing.

  My first thought for the unused house had been: convenient endpoint after a night at the clubs. But then I thought, why not have a little party, get the local girls and repressed mages together and see what transpired.

  It really didn’t take much effort on my part to make the whole thing happen. I was able to turn my mismatched gambling cash into drinks and snacks. And convincing hot party girls to come back to my place? Please. I just needed Daniel with me as a translator. I can only do so much with gestures and eye contact.

  So Shamus changed their career path, Ramón freed them from bondage and I gave them a social life. In trade we got...the address of some guy who had a bag of Angel bones. Ramón thought the trade was great and Shamus was happy he made a difference. I would have been happy with some sort of annuity for ten to fifteen years, but no one offered.

  I didn’t stick around to help clean up. I figured I had already done my part. I did kiss my new girlfriends goodbye, and they did their darnedest to try and get me to stay. I wish I could have, but the fear of Ramón’s scowly face greeting me after I was late for launch was greater than the carrot the girls were offering.

  No one was particularly happy when I got back to the fort. Ramón had woken up before dawn, ready to go, and had been impatiently waiting for Sha and me to wake up. At 7:00 a.m. he went to get me and found my bed empty, so he took it upon himself to get Shamus up and moving. Shamus felt rushed and was doing his best to slow down the entire process. I got back in time for a breakfast of leftovers and strong coffee.

  Xerxes and a few of the mages rowed us back to port and saw us off. As we parted, they thanked us again and promised that in the future, they would dedicate their lives to healing rather than reanimating the dead. It sounded fine to me. Ramón and Shamus seemed satisfied anyway, and Willie didn’t growl at them.

  Captain Roberts looked like a man who had just returned from vacation. His hair and beard were less of a tangled mess than usual, and he was smiling ear to ear. He greeted us each with a smile and a handshake and welcomed us on board. Roberts told us Dan had hired a few deckhands in port, and he told us Dan would be more than happy to let them bunk in his cabin. Other than Shamus training up Likos in the Druidly arts, Roberts bid us to relax and enjoy the ride.

  So relax we did. I really didn’t mind the fishing. There’s something primal about braving nature and coming out on top. That said, it was hard work. Sitting and drinking coffee with my feet up while waiting for Likos’s chowder to be ready wasn’t half-bad either.

  Shamus hung out with Likos as he cooked, and I guess their conversations had something to do with birds or fishing or the like. They laughed a lot and ate snacks. Ramón and I ate the same snacks, but we talked about Jacob instead.

  “I’ve been to Lapithos once before. When I caught Silas. Do you think that’s a coincidence?” I didn’t answer because he wasn’t asking. “The same damn city! I bet Jacob was with him the whole time.”

  Nothing’s worse than beating yourself up about things you can’t change. So I’ve heard anyway. “You had no way of knowing that at the time.”

  “I should have questioned Silas more thoroughly when I had him.” He was doing that scary smile again, so I changed the subject.

  “What are we going to do when we get to Cyprus? Is it safe for us to even be there?”

 
He just shrugged. “We’ll look out of place a bit. If we waved our hands in the air and said, ‘Hey, we’re Alliance spies—’” he actually waved his hands and did a nasally voice, “—then it might be a problem, but we won’t, right?” I nodded my agreement. “Cyprus is a modern country. As much as any in the Empire outside of those on Crete can be considered modern.” Think of how Wudong was when you first moved there.”

  “So a dump.”

  Ramón shook his head. “No, not a dump. Less steel and more stone in the buildings. Not as many cars. Smaller stores, and none that sell designer clothes.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, that’s what I meant.”

  He moved on. “Anyway, will there be a lot of extremely large individuals? Probably. But the average people will be around your height. Well, the women and children at least. I know exactly where Lapithos is. It’s a larger city, so we won’t stand out too much.

  “When we dock in Lapithos, Roberts will go into town for supplies, on the Alliance I might add, while we hire a car and find Jacob’s house. We wear our old duds, stay out of trouble and we leave port tonight. No giant girls for your bed this evening, Helmut.”

  “That was going to be my next question. A girl in every port was my goal going into this trip, but I’ve already missed one, so no worries I guess. Besides, I’d rather not end up in an Empire jail.”

  Scary smile. “There’s no jail that can hold me. Not that I would let their Garda arrest me anyway.”

  We changed the subject after that. Lunch was fresh chowder, and by the time the dishes were cleared, we were pulling into yet another port.

  This one felt a little different. It was militarized, with warships in the port and soldiers patrolling the docks. We followed the plan, going with Captain Roberts into the city, then peeling off to find a cab. For this short trip at least, Shamus was willing to leave Willie on the boat. He seemed to like Likos, who promised to keep the dog happy while we were gone.

  Ramón decided to make himself look a bit bigger than he was, just so the three of us didn’t look too out of place. We found a cab rather easily, and Ramón bartered with the cabbie over the price of the trip. He said later it was so we didn’t look like tourists.

  It was a short drive through the main part of the city, then past multiple orange and pistachio groves to one of a number of small cottages on a quiet street. We stopped at the yellow one at the end of the road and all got out. Ramón gave the cabbie a bit extra and told him to wait.

  Ramón said, “This is how it’s going to go. First of all, I’ll do all the talking. Shamus, if something looks important, let me know and I’ll give them a reason why you need it. If they know where Jacob is, I want to know. Are we clear?”

  We both nodded solemnly. Ramón knocked loudly on the door and after a few moments a young man answered. He looked quizzically at us for a moment. “Can I help you?”

  Ramón answered, “Maybe you can, son. We’re here to see Jacob.”

  He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Mom!” he yelled back into the cottage. “It’s people asking for Dad again.” He looked at us. “You know, my mom hasn’t seen him since I was a baby. I don’t know what he did that was so important.”

  A nice-looking woman, maybe in her forties, came to the door with a look of annoyance on her face. “Yes?”

  Ramón spoke. “Ma’am, we need your help. It’s very important that I speak with Jacob.”

  “It’s very important that a son has a father, but that didn’t keep Jacob here. What makes you think what you need him for is more important than that?”

  Before Ramón could answer, Shamus said to the woman, “I can help you find him, I think.”

  Shamus answered Ramón’s gaze with, “She smells like peppermint.” That was his reasoning. He didn’t explain further, but I have to add I did not detect any peppermint smell.

  She didn’t mind the peppermint comment. “Find him? How? He’s been gone for so many years.”

  “If I can touch something that was his, or that was important to him, I can probably find him.”

  “Oh, you’re one of those.” She bit her lip and looked at the ground. “What do you boys want him for? I assume you’re not doing this out of the goodness of your hearts.”

  I thought about asking for a reward, but decided against it. Ramón said, “This is Empire business. We just need you to cooperate.”

  She said stubbornly, “I didn’t keep anything of his. I guess you’re out of luck. Now I would like you all to leave.”

  “Ma’am, it doesn’t work that way.” Ramón stuck his foot in the opening to keep the woman from closing the door, but she looked like she was going to try anyway.

  Shamus ignored the conversation and approached the son.

  “We didn’t properly meet. I’m Shamus.”

  The boy stuck his hand out as a reflex and shook Sha’s hand. Then they just stood there, arms outstretched, staring into each other’s eyes. The woman had lost interest in her argument with Ramón and looked over at her son. When she tried to approach, I gently put myself between her and them.

  “Let’s just leave them alone for a bit. My name’s Helmut Haase. May I ask yours?”

  “Jinni. Is he okay?”

  “Sure, fine. Shamus does crazy stuff like this all the time. If Jacob is alive, Sha can find him.”

  “Oh, he’s alive, Helmut,” Shamus said as he released the boy’s hand. “He’s on the island actually. Jinni, do you have any coffee? And maybe a snack of some sort. Beer would be fine instead of coffee.” Shamus walked into the living room, plopped down on the couch and put his feet up on the coffee table. The boy looked disoriented, but otherwise fine.

  Jinni said, “What do you mean he’s on the island?”

  “Is this a big island? He’s not that far away. Actually—” he pointed to something on the wall, “—Helmut, can you bring me that doodad?” He was pointing at an antique barometer. “Where did you get that? And about those snacks.”

  I told her, “He’s just going to keep asking until you bring him something.”

  She went into the kitchen and came back with a plate of cheese and fruit and a bottle of beer. He drained the bottle and ate the snacks before continuing. In the meantime I asked Jinni about the barometer.

  “What, that old thing? Jax brought that home as a kid.”

  I brought it over to Shamus, but he brushed it away. “I know, it’s from Jacob. Try to keep up, Helmut.”

  Ramón chuckled and I counted to ten.

  Shamus continued, “I think he’s been back many times, you guys just didn’t know it.” Just then a horn honked outside. Ramón went out to tell the cabbie to hold tight. “He probably had to be sly, what with Ramón and the mages looking for him.” He looked up at Jinni. “I’m terribly sorry, but I’m still hungry.”

  Jinni sent Jax into the kitchen to find something else. While he was gone, she asked, “Why has he been away? Was it those mages?”

  Ramón came back in. I looked over at him, then back to Jinni. “Partially. He was involved in some bad business. The good news is it’s mostly taken care of.”

  Jax came out with a bag of what looked like chips. He passed it to Shamus, who had one and lit up. “What are these?” He shoved a few more in his mouth. I reached for one, but he pulled the bag away. “You wouldn’t like them,” he said defensively.

  Jax called them pork rinds. Fried pig skin. That would have been a test of my everything-is-better-fried rule, but Shamus wouldn’t share.

  Ramón said, “We have to go. Shamus, do you need a hand?”

  Shamus dragged himself off the couch, and he took the rinds with him. “Um, do you mind if I take these with me?”

  Jinni just said, “Tell my Jacob to come home.”

  Shamus asked me quietly as we walked out, “Do you think she minded me taki
ng these? They’re really good.” Then he looked at me funny. “You wouldn’t like them.”

  I shook my head at him in the way he has grown accustomed to. “Shamus, she just wants you to find her husband. I doubt she cares about the pork, and I certainly don’t.”

  The cabbie stared at us and tapped his watch when we came out. Ramón said something to him, and after that he referred to us all as “Sir.” We piled in and then just sat and stared at Shamus. After a moment he looked up from his bag of pork rinds.

  “What?”

  I said, “What do you mean ‘what’? Where are we going?”

  “How should I know? I know where he is, but I don’t know where that is.” We continued to stare. “I don’t even know where we are now.”

  The cabbie said, “If I may, sir, I have a map if you’d like to look at it.”

  Ramón gestured for him to pass it back, which he did as quickly as he could. Ramón opened up the map and pointed at a spot. “Okay, Shamus, this is where we are.”

  Shamus looked at the map funny. “Is this where we’re docked?”

  Ramón sighed. “No, that’s a drawing of a sea monster.” He pointed to the other side of the island. “That’s the pier.”

  “Ah, got it. Can the cabbie drive us over there?”

  He pointed to Kormia, which was up the western coast aways.

  “Kormia.” He sighed. “Well, sirs, that is a bit out of my territory—” he looked at Ramón and thought better about the direction his mouth was taking him, “—but it is lovely this time of year. I’m sure it will be no problem at all.”

  I tried to ease his fears a bit. “We will of course pay you for your time. How long will it take?”

  “About an hour or so, sir. Where exactly in the city will we be going?”

  We looked at Shamus and he just shrugged. I said, “Just start driving, and we’ll figure that part out.”

  And so he did. Shamus fell fast asleep, with his arms wrapped tight around his pork rinds. We let him sleep till the signs said we were close, then I woke him up. At first he looked at me like I was crazy.