I was astounded to find that it was all the writing I’d ever submitted to her over the years. Everything from flows of consciousness we’d done in class to papers she’d assigned. I flipped through the pages, some slightly yellowed with age. My mouth was open with wonder and amazement.
“You saved all of this?” I said at last. “Why? I mean, I don’t understand.”
“Because I saw a young woman who had an immense untapped talent. I saw a woman who I knew would one day come into herself as a true writer. And I was right, wasn’t I? Here you are. You’ve realized that you have an amazing gift that even I envy. India, you have an ability to weave a tale that I am convinced some of the most well-known writers of yesterday and today would encourage you hone. This is your calling. Run with it. I’ll help you in every way I possibly can.”
I choked on the knot in my throat. I hugged her so tight, she actually pleaded that I release her. We talked over coffee into the wee hours of the morning.
41
I spent the next few weeks roaming the vibrant streets of New York. I walked, rollerbladed and rode my bike all around the city, stopping wherever I found inspiration - in cafés, parks, malls, the subway, wherever my muse nudged me for attention, I stopped and let my pen fly. I still hadn’t called James and felt totally guilty about it but I didn’t yet feel ready to face him. I missed him to pieces but seeing him meant I had to break his heart more than I already had and I couldn’t bring myself to do that just yet.
One evening, after a full day of bike riding, Purple Lights, my spot in Battery Park, beckoned me. As I approached, I at once felt a heartwarming nostalgia and a pang of distress. The last time I’d been here, I’d been kidnapped and raped shortly thereafter. Still, the spot held so many uplifting memories for me. It had been the place I’d fled to when I needed to get away from Fabian. The energy of the place had also always stirred my creative juices.
I sat on a bench and took out my journal. I noticed that there was a fellow bike rider sitting on a bench not too far from me but I thought nothing of it. My muse was prodding me so I folded my legs beneath me and gave in. Minutes later, a familiar voice got my attention.
“Something told me that I’d see you again one day but I never thought it would be here.” I looked up and couldn’t believe my eyes. “India, right? I could never forget that name and most definitely not that stunning face.”
“Ruben?” I stared at him open mouthed. This was the guy I’d met on the train what seemed like years ago. I’d met him the day I met Anais, shortly before my world came tumbling down around me. He’d struck me then as the type of guy I needed and wanted in my life - educated, polite, extremely handsome, and eloquent.
“Wow, you remember my name. That is the ultimate compliment.” He leaned his bike against the railing next to mine and sat next to me.
“You were sitting over there the whole time?” I pointed to the spot where I’d seen a figure earlier.
“I’d been sitting there for a while, yes. I was reading and just enjoying the view. I love this place. Been coming here for years. I discovered it when I was student at NYU.”
“Really? I’ve been coming here for years as well. It’s the energy of the place that lures me.”
“Interesting, don’t you think? That we’ve both been coming here for so long and have never run into one another.”
“I believe everything happens for a purpose.”
“I must agree,” he said with a nod. “So, how’ve you been?”
“Better.” He looked at me quizzically. I was alluding to the fact that I was no longer with Fabian but didn’t want to come out and just say it. I remembered that at our last encounter, he’d flirted with me only to find out that I was involved. We’d both been disappointed.
“So, you’re a bike rider, I see. Yet another thing we have in common.” He looked towards the setting sun and back at me. “So India, tell me, how have you really been?”
“I’m okay now but I wasn’t okay for a while but that doesn’t matter anymore. That’s in the past.”
He nodded pensively still looking at me with his piercing eyes. “You’re single now then?”
“What gave it away?” I asked with a shy smile.
“There’s just something different about you. You’re lighter, like you’re not carrying any burdens anymore, that’s it. Your aura is different. You seem lighter.”
“Truer words have never been spoken. I am definitely lighter.”
“So, now that you’ve shed yourself of those chains that once bound you, would you like to join me for a cappuccino or maybe a smoothie? Your choice.”
I’d forgotten what it felt like to meet someone new. Butterflies fluttered in my stomach and my palms became sweaty. My heart tickled my breast as I tried to respond without collapsing into schoolgirl giggles. “I’d love a smoothie and I know just the place.”
We talked for hours as we walked through SoHo and Greenwich Village. Before we knew it, it was dawn. Although I tried not to reveal too much about my life, I ended up telling him more than I’d expected. He was so easy to talk to and so engaging. I was scared as I told him of my relationship with Fabian. After all, he was an educated man and I feared that he would judge me, that he’d question my own intelligence. I was wrong. He revealed that he grew up on the streets and had changed his life when he witnessed his brother fall victim to the streets.
“You’re one of the smart ones for being able to get out of it when you did. Pat yourself on the back for that, India.” He wiped the solitary tear that rolled down my cheek.
When I told him of the kidnapping, his nostrils flared with anger. “That nigga’s not a man. A real man doesn’t put his hands on a woman. That shows how weak he truly is. I hope he rots in jail for what he did to you. He deserves worse but the world has a way of getting you back for your sins. I’m a strong believer in karma. Let the cosmos take care of him.”
“I can’t believe I told you all that I have,” I confessed.
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, India. We all make mistakes in life. My mom always told me that it doesn’t matter that you fall off the ladder, what matters is that you get up and climb it again.”
I learned that he was a graphic designer and photographer and had started his own business several years back. The more I talked to him, the more I liked him and the more I wanted to get to know him. Unknowingly, he had begun to knock down the walls I’d built around my heart for fear of further suffering.
I gasped when I realized the hour. “Broke your curfew?” he joked.
“No, it’s not that. I just can’t believe we’ve been talking for so long. I feel like…” I stopped myself before finishing. I didn’t want to scare him away.
“Like you’ve known me for a long time,” he finished my sentence for me. “I feel the same way, India. You don’t have to hold yourself back. I’m not going anywhere. So, where you at right now? I mean, where are you staying?”
“Well, I’ve been staying with my mentor. She’s been helping me with my writing. I think I told you about her.” He nodded. “But I’m looking for a place in the area around Columbia University.”
“I’m uptown on 145th for now but I’m about to buy a condo in Riverdale. Wanna ride the train together?”
We talked during the ride uptown and when I said goodbye, I was tempted to kiss him but felt that I had to take it slow. Ruben didn’t try to push up on me. He pecked me on the forehead and promised to call me in a couple of hours.
I jumped for joy as I walked through the streets. It didn’t matter that it was pouring rain. Nothing could rain on my parade at that moment.
42
I was in a love stricken haze for the next few weeks. I spent my days writing and apartment hunting and my evenings with Ruben. He courted me respectfully, opening doors for me, pulling my chair out so I could sit down, walking me home after our dates and kissing me on the forehead when he departed.
One evening he called and invited me to a spoke
n word event at the Nuyorican Poets Café. I had to go see an apartment on 85th Street so I asked him to join me and we could leave from there.
As soon as I saw the brownstone, I knew that I’d love the apartment. I walked in and fell in love with the exposed brick of the walls. The high ceilings gave the one bedroom a spacious, art studio feel. I turned to look at Ruben with arched eyebrows.
“This is it,” he read my mind.
“I’ll take it!” I shrieked before the realtor could say any more.
I was so excited I threw my arms around Ruben and planted a firm kiss on his lips. I jumped back when I realized what I’d done. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. It was nice.” He smiled at me and drew me close to him. He nestled his nose in my neck and inhaled deeply. “You smell nice.”
I blushed and held him to me. “Shall we go?” He put my hand in his as we walked down the block.
“That apartment has India written all over it.”
“I know. I knew it as soon as I saw the building.”
The Nuyorican was jumping with excitement when we walked in. I was surprised to see that everyone appeared to know Ruben. He introduced me as his special friend, and squeezed my hand and winked at me affectionately when I looked at him embarrassed. We sat in front and took in the performances with zeal. I would never have predicted what happened next.
“Our next performer is one of my old time favorites. He’s been frequenting this spot for years now, blessing us with his lyrics. Let’s give a hearty round of applause for my boy, Ruben Sanchez.”
The crowd erupted with whoops and hollers and loud applause. I turned to look at Ruben who gave me a sly grin as he got up and walked up to the podium.
“What’s up, y’all? How ya been? Sorry I haven’t been here in a minute but a nigga been busy. This one is gonna be a little different from my usual spits. See, I have a new being in my life. She is my muse, my personal Erato.” He looked at me with softness and winked.
I met her some time ago and was struck by her - not by her beauty though she was fine. What hit me hard was the invisible weight she carried on her back. The weight of the world it seemed. So gorgeous yet so sad. I immediately wanted to protect her, save her from the dark cloud that loomed over her head. But that wasn’t my place, it wasn’t my time. So I let that lady walk away and hoped that one day, our paths would meet again. And my prayers were answered y’all ‘cause the other day, she came to me, I came to her. We met again but the woman I saw was different.
She was no longer the woman I’d met that day some time ago. She was stronger. Bruised but more alive as a result of it. That woman didn’t need me to save her, she saved herself. She freed herself. And then she came into my world to free me. See, I had my own weight I was carrying, my own dark cloud over my head. She came and tossed that weight asunder, chased the cloud away with her light.
Her light that would blind all evil and despair. She doesn’t know that she met a man that was scared, unwilling to open up, to feel, to want. In an instant, she made me want to, need to open up to her, to show her what I have, all that I am. This man that’s standing in front of you today, is a different man, more of man because of her, Indiecita mía. And now I want to do for her what she’s done for me, protect her, respect her, be there and stay there. All for my little India.
I was frozen in my seat. The passion with which he performed his ode gave me chills. The audience craned their necks trying to see who Ruben was looking at as he recited. When he was done, they clapped and whistled their enjoyment. I stared at Ruben as he walked towards me, grinning from ear to ear. My hands were shaking and my stomach churned; I had never in my life had such poetic words dedicated to me. He put his hand out to me. I took it and rose from my seat, still dumbfounded. Right there, in front of at least a hundred people, we shared our first kiss. It was the most intense yet most delicate kiss I’d ever had in my life and I couldn’t believe the circumstances under which it was happening. The crowd hooted and hollered, screaming in unison, “Que se besen! Que se besen!”
“Why didn’t you tell me you were a poet?” I whispered.
“Would you have had it any other way?”
I realized I wouldn’t have had it any other way at all.
43
The following week Ruben helped me move in to my new place and shop for furniture. Though we spent hours making out, we still hadn’t slept together and he made no attempt to do so. The manner in which he respected me made me want him more but I knew that taking it slow was the best thing for us.
One night, after I was all moved in, I finally spoke to him about James. I didn’t mention that we’d slept together. That was an unnecessary detail that I didn’t think he needed to know. I did admit that James had confessed his love for me. He listened quietly when I explained all he’d done for me and how guilty I felt for being unable to reciprocate the emotion.
“I love him dearly. He’s my best friend and he’s done so much for me, put his own neck on the line but I’m not in love with him and know I could never love him like that.”
“Have you told him that, India? He deserves to know so he can move on.”
“No, I haven’t told him. I just feel so bad.”
“For what? You can’t control who you love. You don’t pick love, love picks you. You should call him. Go see him and talk to him.”
I looked at this man who seemed to understand me the way no man ever had, not even James. I felt so lucky, like I’d finally been rewarded for all that I’d suffered.
“You’re beautiful, you know that, right? Inside and out.” I pecked him on the lips.
“So are you, Indiecita. It’s about time you realize that and stop being so hard on yourself. Call him. I’m gonna go. I have a long day tomorrow. I’ll call you when I get home.”
I didn’t want him to go. I wanted him to stay with me. I wanted to feel him so bad, it was torture but I knew we couldn’t, shouldn’t. I walked him to the door and kissed him deeply.
“Mmmmmmm. Girl…” He shook his head and I knew he was thinking was I was thinking. “Let me go, India. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I watched him from my window as he walked up the block and thought about the advice he’d given me. I exhaled deeply and grabbed the phone. It was now or never.
As soon as I heard his voice on the line, tears leaked from my eyes, bathing the front of my shirt.
“James,” I said softly. “I’m so sorry, James. Please forgive me.” There was a moment of silence on the line.
“Its okay, India. It hurts but I understand.” Those words caused a second flood of tears but these were of relief.
We met the next day for lunch. I ran to him when I saw him crossing the street. He looked great. He’d put on some weight but he looked healthy and happy.
“So how’ve you been? What have you been up to? How’s life? Details, details!”
He laughed at me. “You’re the same spastic chick you always were.”
“I haven’t changed that much, James.”
“Well, I finished that internship at Sony and they opted to hire me.”
“That’s what’s up!”
“Yeah, that’s exciting. I’ll be making great money and doing what I enjoy - programming. They’re also paying for my masters so I’ll probably be going back to school in a couple of months.”
“Cool. Cool. So is that’s what has you looking so good?” I squeezed his bicep teasingly.
“Yeah that and…” he hesitated.
“What? What is it? You can tell me. It’s me.”
“I met somebody.”
“Wow! That’s dope! So tell me all about her.”
“I don’t know if I feel comfortable doing that.”
“Why? Don’t be silly. You would’ve told me before, why not now?”
“A lot has changed, India. I told you I loved you nena, or did you forget?”
“No, I didn’t forget. I guess I’d hoped it wouldn’t have changed our friendship
but I guess I was wrong.”
He sighed. “Well, her name is Cynthia. She works at Sony as a programmer as well. I met her in the internship program. She’s Puerto Rican, just graduated from Cornell, great girl. She’s got her shit together, you know.”
“No doubt. She sounds like a great girl. Good luck with that.”
“There’s more.”
I waited silently not knowing what to expect but it didn’t sound good.
“Well, um, her family lives in L.A. and she asked for a transfer to the branch over there. They gave it to her. Are even going to give her moving expenses, gonna set her up with a crib and everything. She asked me to go with her. I said yes.”
“Wow. That’s huge. Are you ready for that, James?” I didn’t know how to feel. I wondered if he was leaving to get away from me.
“I need to start fresh. And she’s a good girl. We’re not going to move in together or anything. I’ll have my place, she’ll have hers but if she goes across the country and I stay here, there’s just no way it’ll work. I just feel like I have to give this a try.”
“I understand. Well, follow your heart. If that’s the right thing for you right now, go for it.”
“Yeah, follow my heart.” He rolled his eyes. I didn’t dare question him further. We continued our lunch in silence. I picked at my Caesar’s salad. Somehow, I’d lost my appetite.
“So, are you planning on telling me about this new guy you’re dating?”
I almost choked on a crouton. “How did you …”
“C’mon, India. I’ve known you for how many years now. You’re fuckin’ glowing. I almost mistook you for a fuckin’ beacon, you’re so radiant.” His sarcasm burned right through me.
“Um, well yeah, I did meet someone.”
“You didn’t just meet someone. You’ve fallen in love. It’s written all over your pretty little face.” His tone was arctic.
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