by Piper Bee
Our second lake day was a success. Once we finished hamburger dinner at the cabin, the moms cleaned up and called it a night, presumably to read similar romance novels. Lena went for her nightly shower, so I got left with the boys. I did what all teenage girls would do and hustled them into a game I’m good at.
The smell of fresh shampoo hits me and I notice Lena’s walked up. She shakes her damp hair, dressed in a cute fluffy cardigan and leggings. It’s the opposite of me with my post-swim blonde mess and hand-me-down hoodie and gym shorts.
“We’re doing s’mores, right?” she asks.
“Did you say s’mores?” Cale asks in monotone. He smacks the table, startling the cards right out of my hands, and darts to the kitchen.
“Guess that’s a ‘yes’?” Jin says with a grin and I just laugh. He helps me pick up the scattered cards.
And our hands touch. I feel electricity. That’s the only word I have to describe it. I’m staring at the table and Jin’s hand takes a second too long touching mine, or is that me?
I retreat.
“Sorry,” we say in unison.
“I got this,” he offers. I nod. I’ll let him take clean up. Yep. I’m gonna go outside and shake this tingling feeling off my hand.
Before I reach the sliding door to the backyard, though, I pass by the mudroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Lena reaching for something in a cupboard.
Cale is with her. I seriously doubt s’mores ingredients are in the mudroom, but right away I sense that they’re having a private conversation. I won’t eavesdrop, but...
Sometimes I overhear.
“You know you’ve got game, Cale. There’s no need to hold back.”
What?! I fumble opening the sliding door. Is she… is this actually working? I dash outside and try to forget about what I just heard but also I’m obsessing over it.
In the twilight, I start the fire with some old newspaper and a lighter. I always hold my breath in the moment before a small fire grows into a blaze. I wait for it to catch.
Cale and Lena were just whispering in private. Maybe I’ve been too pessimistic and Lena’s hesitation is because of Cale.
I sink into a fabric lawn chair coated with pollen and dirt. The bonfire glow flickers and I’m the sole admirer for a minute. Closing my eyes, I breathe in the faint smoke in the air. The image in my mind is Cale hand-in-hand with Lena.
“Hey,” I hear. It’s Cale. “I got something I wanna tell you.”
“Yeah?” I say. That the girl of your dreams finally noticed you??
His mouth twitches to and from a smile before he pulls his hand out of his pocket and holds a small paper out to me.
I take it. “A business card?”
???
“Yeah. Read the name.”
The Crux Constellation. Robbie Gonzalez, Manager.
“What’s this for?” I turn it in my hand. It has their constellation logo.
Cale takes a seat next to me. “They saw us at the festival. Well, and they saw you sing. They said you should call them.” He smiles with his pearly white teeth, then bites his plump bottom lip.
They want me to call them?
“Weren’t they doing a farewell show?” I ask.
Cale shrugs. “You know, kid, I don’t know everything! But I think they liked what they saw.” He looks into his lap and says reservedly, “What’s not to like?”
I catch his dark eyes. He looks away.
“Well, anyway…” he says, scratching his head.
“She’s not out here, you know. You don’t have to pretend to like me.”
“I don’t pretend to like you, Joy.” The fire pops.
Was that a confession or… just him saying he likes me in general? I can’t tell.
I open my mouth to say something, even though I’m not sure what, but the cabin door slides open. Jin and Lena walk into the backyard, and she shakes the ingredients to show us that they have all been acquired.
Food. Distraction. Thank God!
I grab a poker and secure a marshmallow on it. I try my best to attain perfection. Tan all the way around. Cale is the burn and bubble type.
I’m still so confused by his mood. By what Lena whispered to him. Was she flirting? It sounded like flirting. But what the heck did he mean by “I don’t pretend to like you?”
Did his feelings change? This whole time, this has been about him and her. Not me. That “surprise” was nothing more than him doing legwork on his own plan. He came here for Lena.
Even though he’s been spending all of his time with me. Sitting next to me. Waggling his eyebrows at me as he eats his chocolate-and-graham-cracker sandwich. He’s goofy and fun and adorable…
My marshmallow catches.
“Shoot!” I blow it out. Though a tiny bit charred, it’s still perfect. I put my s’more together, and then glance across the fire at Lena and Jin. They talk in some attractive, orange-glow conversation that I can’t hear. It’s unreal the way her hair falls on her shoulder, dark and long and just messy enough. She’s way beyond “league.” The amber flickers of light caress her cheekbones and soft lips. I’m just the girl who’s thumb fiddles with a new hole in the sleeve of her brother’s rejected sweater.
Jin laughs generously at something she says out of the side of her mouth. It’s probably one of the hundreds of inside jokes they have. They’re primed for each other.
God, I have no chance. He’s just a fantasy and I’ve already hurt Lena by letting my feelings get to this point.
Cale grabs my s’more hand, breaking me out of the trance I was in. He’s leading it. My dessert. To his mouth.
I resist. “Hey! You have your own!”
He smiles with a full mouth, a small piece of melted marshmallow on his face. “Mine’s not sweet enough!”
In what universe is it possible for a s’more to not be sweet enough?
Suddenly he pulls my arm hard and with the momentum, lands a kiss on my cheek. My heart feels like a book getting all its pages flipped at once.
I don’t pretend to like you, Joy.
Lena noticed and she grins, eyes sparkling with satisfaction. There’s no way she’s jealous.
I yank my arm back, but remember to turn on the courtesy. Nervous laugh. Force a smile.
“You really shouldn’t mess with a girl’s s’mores,” I tell him.
“But they’re my girl’s s’mores.” His dark eyes glimmer with a smile.
That was real. Wasn’t it? Is he playing still or was that real?
Nervous laugh. Force a smile.
I stick another marshmallow on a stick and start roasting again. Pretending I’m not freaking out is the best course of action. This could still be an act, so… yeah. Play it cool.
Cale’s lips move in a circle while he chews. He grins at me, having won my first s’more.
Crap! This one’s set ablaze too. I continue making another sandwich with it anyway. Please distract me, little dessert!
I peek over at Cale and he’s giving me his best impression of a sad puppy.
“Make. Your. Own,” I say as I lift my s’more to my own mouth.
He snatches my wrist and I instantly resist. “Cale!”
I pull away and start giggling, mostly because his wide open mouth is goofy enough for me to know he’s being playful. Back and forth, I give it all my effort and then…
My s’more flies out of my hand.
It smacks Cale square on his cheek on the way down. He tries to catch it with his big, pink tongue, but misses. It plops sadly on the ground.
Cale whimpers, positively dejected.
The image of his tongue contorting to catch the food replays in my head and I cannot stop laughing! I snort, which makes me crack up even more! Wheeze!
“I’m glad to know my massive fail was so amusing,” Cale says sarcastically.
My stomach hurts! There was no chance for that poor tongue! I snort again.
“Okay, okay! I’ll make one for you now!” Cale says. I nod, fighting resi
dual laughs.
I’m glad something calmed my nerves. I look over at Jin and they come back.
He was watching me, if that grin means anything. Lena garners his attention back to her.
One thing is really unclear to me right now: Cale’s actual feelings.
But two things are very clear. One, that I’ve definitely fallen for Jin.
And two, I can’t have him.
If Cale has somehow shifted focus onto me, that might change things. I mean, Jin will be gone no matter what. Cale’s around. Maybe it makes more sense to choose him.
I just never thought there might be a choice.
“There we have it,” Cale announces. I lean out of my lawn chair to grab it, but he holds it out of reach.
“Mmm, I think I need payment.”
I stand up. “Um, no! You owe me that sugar sandwich.”
His finger points into the air. “But this one was made with love. It can only be bought with a kiss.” He taps his cheek.
I shake my head and giggle. “No!”
“Fine,” he says, and holds it out to me. But once I reach for it, he pulls it away again.
And then his free arm is wrapped around my back, pulling me up close to his body. My heart flutters and I look up at him in surprise.
And then he kisses me. And not just a peck on the cheek. His mouth is warm on mine, lingering, sending sparks through me like the embers of the fire pit.
A real kiss. My first real kiss.
My eyes blink rapidly as my brain catches up. I feel his exhale on my cheek as his hand presses my back, bringing me closer to him.
My heart is leaping and in shock, all at once.
“She said NO!” Jin’s commanding voice cuts through the crackling fire.
Cale suddenly releases me and I stumble back. Smoke and crickets color the tension.
Jin’s standing up, glaring at Cale, who’s frozen in Jin’s smoldering anger.
“Jin! Jeez,” Lena says, rising from her chair and pulling her cardigan more closed.
Cale looks between me and Jin, a little panicked and unsure. Jin’s stern look is harsh by the firelight.
“It’s okay,” I assure Jin. Keep the peace.
Don’t let him get out of control.
My old turmoil swirls up from my stomach like vomit. Jin’s not Carson. Cale’s not Tyler.
It’s not going to happen again.
“S-sorry… Joy,” Cale says. The s’more cracked in his hand a little, but he holds it out to me as a peace offering.
I take it and thank him. Eat it. Nothing happened. We’re all walking away.
Jin quickly simmers down from battle-ready to annoyed, which is relieving. When he turns to me, his eyes ask if I’m really okay. I nod. I am okay.
But my heart feels like it just got tilled.
I don’t think I have room for Cale. Real or fake. I want Jin so much. It’s clearer than ever.
But I know I can’t have him. So I have to get over him somehow.
TRACK 16 - RAINBOW CONNECTION
JULY 19TH
It would be an understatement to say that I didn’t sleep well, because my dramatic, thumping heart didn’t really let me sleep at all. What a pain!
It would be an understatement, then, to say I “woke up” early. Or is that an overstatement? Really, I got out of my borrowed pullout bed around 5:50 AM, praying that no one else would get up at such a crazy hour and I could finally be alone. I cannot sort through my feelings and socialize at the same time. Apparently.
When I was a kid, my family came to Victoria Lake for almost 3 weeks. For an eleven year old from the most boring part of Oregon (other than Boring, OR), the mid-summer break from life at a lake resort might as well have been years in a magical hidden kingdom. We memorized every trail, counted a hundred ant hills, learned how silly we could make campfire stories if there was enough Pepsi to keep us awake.
One thing I remember vividly is the Secret Pond. It might more accurately be a secluded pond with a waterfall, since I doubt the only people who discovered it were a couple of kids. But it’s off the beaten path, enough that I doubt anyone will be there this early. So, now’s as good a time as any to find it.
After putting my bathing suit on under gym shorts and a baseball tee, I pack my mustard yellow Fjallraven backpack with a towel and a water bottle. I’m planning to bring some snacks, and then I’m gone for a couple of hours.
Alone. The only way to sort my heart out.
I head upstairs into the fresh dawn coming in through the massive windows.
The fridge door closes and my heart throbs. Now I remember that there’s one other person who gets up this early.
Jin.
He stares at me, holding an orange juice carton and glass. “Good morning,” he says, looking like a deer in the headlights.
“Morning.” I try not to make conversation as I head to the sink to fill up my water bottle. The granola bars are on the counter behind him and so I’m, um, not gonna pack those.
“Going somewhere?” he asks.
“Yeah. Going on a hike. Be back before breakfast, probably.” I purposely use as few words as possible. I’ve already spent way too much time with Jin on my mind. Like, his face, or the way his voice sounded, or his stance when Cale kissed me.
He downs a glass of orange juice faster than my water bottle gets filled.
Get out before he says something!
“Bye!” I say. I walk fast, trying not to seem like I’m escaping. Probably failing at that. Oh, well.
I hit the pavement and try to find peace in the quiet drum of my sneakers. What brings it is the birdsong and sun rays that warm up the leftover coolness of night.
There’s the sign. CAPER TRAIL. Carson once said it was named after an unsolved mystery involving stolen jewelry they found buried here. He also said the jewelry belonged to Queen Victoria and that’s why they named the resort after her. My kid-brain marveled at his twelve extra months of wisdom. Even though that was bogus.
Something about this place brings out a lot of memories of Carson. The good ones first, when we were best friends. The sour ones where he suddenly became obsessed with his image. The bad ones, then the really bad ones. Breathe.
It strikes me as odd that, right after he slammed my suitcase against the wall before coming here, he didn’t storm off or scream profanities.
I’m okay. I’m fine.
Rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands. The anger actually leaving. Something was different.
My shoes crunch on the gravel and I trace the edge of the path with my eyes, searching for the split boulder. That’s my marker. My legs are already warm from trekking up the hill. I can already tell from the bright sun rays that it’s going to be hot. I doubt it’s even 7 AM yet.
The split rock emerges into view. I remember Carson jumped up and perched like a grasshopper. Then he leaped off and clung to the side of the hill. It’s maybe a 70-degree angle, covered in ferns and trees and some weed-like plants.
I bet I can beat you to the top, that boy told me.
Bet not! I was always up for a challenge. Carson launched up the side, gaining traction with his grip strength and determination. I don’t call him “Racecar” for nothing.
My feet stop right in front of it. Maybe this hill can help me feel better like it did back then.
I didn’t come here to think about my big brother, yet I can’t stop. Maybe this is what I’ve been putting off. At the end of summer it’ll be me and him again. College classes, baseball, vague commitments to associations and an excess amount of Northwest coffee. It feels like a lot. These feelings I have… they’ve been a welcome distraction.
I’ve been staring at this hillside for a little too long. I’m still gathering the courage to climb it. Even though little Carson is long gone and he won’t be reaching his hand down to help me up, this hill reminded me how much I love him. And maybe, I can still love him even if I don’t want—
“Joy?”
I jer
k my head to the left. It’s Jin, in his AMER-I-CAN tank that flaunts his shoulders at me. What is he doing here?
And why did it have to be him?
He jogs closer.
“Why are you staring at this…” He can’t think of a word to describe what I’m looking at. Probably because I’m not staring at anything in particular. I’m just gaping at a wall of plant matter covered in dew.
“Lost in thought, I guess. Why are you here?”
He scratches the back of his neck. “I, um… I don’t really have a good reason.” There’s blush around his shy smile.
Maybe it’s selfish, but I laugh. He’s nervous. Questions flutter around me like butterflies. Should he really be here? Should I really want him to be? Does he like me the same way I like him?
Am I really going to ignore Lena’s feelings and let this go on?
Though it should all be answered with “no,” my soul is yearning for “yes.”
Burning for yes. So maybe I am the burning type.
I point to the part where the hill curves to a stop. “There’s a pond up there. I don’t know how else to get there except climb up from this rock.”
“How do you know?” His curiosity is achingly endearing.
I grip the straps of my backpack. “I stayed here one summer when I was a kid.”
He nods and examines the same hillside. “Then let’s go find it,” he says and he doesn’t wait for me. I follow him like the fool I am.
Jin scales it like it’s nothing. I’m not nearly as nimble or long-limbed. And believe it or not, vines and ferns are not great for climbing. They tend to break under the weight of any-size human. Jin clears the top while I continue to struggle. I’ll fall if I’m not careful.
If only tumbling down the hill were the only danger.
“Here.” His hand descends to me. It’s just within reach.
A flood of those feelings race back to me. When I was a kid, I couldn’t imagine anyone better to lift me up. It’s no different right now.
Jin Park is the person I lend my weight to, guiding me to the point of no return.
Who am I kidding? That point was long ago.
Coated in dirt and sweat, I pull myself over the edge, into another world that is seldom broached. There’s no path, no disturbance. Just the singing birds and sunbeams, the smell of earth and drying dew, and the flush of excitement.