by Izzy Shows
Withdrawal.
This was the absolute worst time to go through it. I fantasized about smoking.
“You all right?” Emily broke the long silence. We’d agreed earlier it was best to conserve our energy for walking. “You don’t look so good.”
“I’m dying for a cigarette,” I said, sounding miserable. “Nicotine, glorious nicotine.”
She frowned. “You really shouldn’t be smoking so much.”
I tensed. “It helps.”
“It’s a coping mechanism.”
“I have nothing to cope for.” I gritted my teeth. “Nothing at all.”
“Of course, you do.” Her soft laugh soothed some of my frayed nerves. “You’ve got a hectic, stressful life, and…and a difficult background.”
I got defensive again. “It’s not a big deal.”
“I worry about you.”
“Don’t.”
We fell silent again, and I was grateful she’d decided not to push the topic. It was something that had come up once or twice before, but I’d been pretty good at putting a stop to the conversation. I’d started smoking less around her to avoid talking about it.
Fuck, I need a cigarette.
Luckily, a distraction was readily provided as the next border came into view farther ahead.
“Let’s pick up the pace,” I said, eager to get this over with.
“No sense rushing into it. We have no idea what is waiting for us ahead.” There was an anxious note in her voice.
I winced. I felt horrible and guilty about what she’d gone through during the last trial. I didn’t want her to have to relive any more memories like that one, but the chances were slim we’d have a similar experience. I was willing to bet each of the trials were different methods of attack to keep people out.
“It’ll be fine. Nothing to do but move forward, anyway.” I quickened my stride, giving her no choice but to hurry to keep up.
It took fifteen more minutes to get to the border. I didn’t wait before stepping across.
“Blair—”
I didn’t know what she had intended to say. The effect of crossing was instantaneous. We were in another void I was beginning to suspect was similar to the dreamscapes Malphas and I had occasionally used to communicate with one another when we were apart.
I waited for a thundering voice to let us know what we were in for, but it was suspiciously quiet.
“Blair, you shouldn’t have rushed across.” Emily grabbed my upper arm and tugged me closer.
“We won’t until it happens Brace yourself.”
She glared, her lips pressed tightly together, but she remained quiet.
“What the hell is taking so long?” I snapped, hands on my hips.
“Maybe the trial is of patience,” she said. “Or impatience. I don’t know.”
“Patience, or impatience, isn’t a sin.”
She huffed out a breath. “I’m just trying to figure it out.”
“Maybe we have to trigger it…” This space was no different from the other one. Empty and white, with no visible floor or ceiling or walls, it had the same odd gravity holding us in place, so we didn’t drop into oblivion, giving us a sort of ground to walk on.
I stepped forward. Emily made a small, anxious sound.
“Wait. You might get lost.”
I rolled my eyes. “Where is there to get lost?” I’m probably just walking in place, like on a treadmill.”
“Blair…”
“Ugh. I hate this waiting. Such a waste of my time.”
The room, or whatever it was, shimmered and transformed.
The hell? What was going on here?
We were in what looked like a regular, everyday living room. But it was different than mine, not as run down, and there was a feeling of warmth to it. Not like real heat, but a kind of emotional warmth; the type that came with love.
The front door opened and a family of five walked in. They looked directly at me, disregarding Emily. Smiles appeared on all of their faces.
“Blair!” The older woman rushed toward me. She had strawberry blonde hair curling around her oval face, and she was a little plump, but it suited her. “It’s so good to see you.”
I instantly went on the alert. This was a trick.
“I don’t know you,” I said slowly. I glanced at Emily and furrowed my brow. The family still hadn’t seemed to see Emily.
“Of course, you don’t.” She gave me a sad smile. “But I know you. I’ve missed you so much.”
“Missed me?” I felt a flutter of hope in my heart.
It’s just a trick. Don’t fall for it.
I couldn’t figure out why it was a trick. The suspicion faded from my mind.
“I’ve missed you all my life.” There was a haunted look in her eyes now. “It broke my heart when they took you away.”
My heart stuttered. Oh, gods, this was painful, but in the best kind of way.
“Wha…what?”
She reached out and cupped my cheek in one hand. “You’ve become such a beautiful, strong woman. I couldn’t be prouder of everything you’ve done. I just wish I’d been there for you.”
“What are you saying?”
“Darling…I’m your mother.”
“No, that isn’t possible.”
It’s not real. You know it’s not.
But I wanted it to be true—wanted it so much it pained me. I’d dreamed of a mother who loved me, who wouldn’t hurt me, and she was offering it to me.
“It’s time to come home.” Her eyes alighted with hope. “Won’t you join us? We’re about to bake cookies and settle down for the evening.”
“I don’t know how to bake.” I blushed. That had been such a stupid thing to say.
She laughed. “That’s what mothers are for. I would love nothing more than to teach you.”
“I…I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you’ll stay with me. I know it hurt growing up without me, but I’m here now. I’ll never leave you again. You’ll never be alone ever again.”
Tears burned my eyes. She loved me.
“Blair!” Emily grabbed my hand and tugged me toward her, but I yanked away.
She was trying to keep me from the love this woman offered. She didn’t want me to be loved.
I shot a glare at her over my shoulder. “Stay out of this.”
“Blair, this isn’t real!”
“Shut up! Just shut up!” I gazed at my mother. Oh, gods, my heart had hurt but in the best kind of way.
“Oh, darling, that’s no way to speak to your friend,” my mother said. Her smile was gentle and teasing. “She can stay for supper if you want.”
“She’s not just my friend. She’s my girlfriend.” Why had I said that?
Her cheeks colored. “Oh, that’s wonderful. You’ve brought her home to meet us.” She focused on Emily with love still in her eyes. “Won’t you stay for supper?”
Acceptance. She didn’t have a problem with me dating a woman. But of course, she didn’t. She was my mother after all. She’d promised to love me unconditionally, so why wouldn’t she adore the woman in my heart?
“We’re not staying.” Emily’s voice was firm, unmoving.
“I’m staying,” I said.
My mother’s eyes brimmed with tears, and she enveloped me in her arms. My heart was full to bursting. The embrace of a mother—my mother. I felt the love radiating from her.
“I love you so much,” she whispered as she held me tightly. “We’ll love you forever, no matter what.”
Eternal, unconditional love. All I’d ever wanted was to be loved and accepted. That was all I’d needed in life, and she was offering it to me.
A niggling voice in the back of my head tried to warn me.
It’s false. This is a trial. You know this isn’t real.
I shoved the thought away. Not now, not when this was before me.
Someone yanked me from my mother and forced me to spin around. Emily looked at me with real terr
or. Some of the fog lifted. What was she so afraid of?
“Blair, think!” She shook me a little bit. “This isn’t what you want. God knows your life has been harder than anyone should ever have to live through. But life is only worth living because of the pain. That’s what makes the good parts worthwhile. Without pain, there’s nothing to hope for, nothing to enjoy. And you are loved and accepted just as you are. You have a family now. Shawn and Finn and Weylyn and Fred. And me. We love you. I love you. Please, just let that be enough. Please, Blair, don’t leave me.”
My heart ached, and a broken sound filled the air. The sob of a wounded animal, a sound that came from me.
“Don’t take this from me,” I whispered through the tears. “Don’t make me walk away.”
“You have to be strong, Blair.” She pulled me close.
I fell apart in her arms because I knew she was right. This was all I’d ever wanted but was never going to have.
She let me cry it out in her arms for what felt like an eternity, and then I pulled away from her, straightening my shoulders. I turned to face the family I’d always wanted, looked at the hope in my fake mother’s eyes, and my heart sank.
It wasn’t fair. To be offered this and have to walk away from it.
I was almost too weak to do it.
“No,” I said. “I won’t stay with you.”
It felt like my heart was shattering into a thousand pieces.
Chapter 15
“Begone, mortals.” A voice boomed above our heads, and the room returned to a blinding whiteness. “You have passed the trial of gluttony.”
And with that, we were back in hell, standing together on the blackened ground. My heart felt like it’d been ripped in two, but I forced myself to be strong.
I shoved the pain into a corner in the back of my mind to never be looked at again.
Gluttony.
I would have assumed the trial would have been about food. Wasn’t that what everyone thought of when hearing the word gluttony? But it made sense in a twisted kind of way. Gluttony was about wanting something to excess, and I wanted a never-ending stream of love.
I’d almost failed the test. If it hadn’t been for Emily, I would have. And part of me wanted to go back and experience it again. I was weak.
The sky above was dark now, but the day had already been long before the ordeal, so I had no idea how much time had passed during the trial.
I couldn’t go any farther, not even another step, without rest. Every part of me ached, even though there hadn’t been a fight. It wasn’t a physical pain, but I felt it in my bones all the same.
“Blair…”
“Let’s just make camp,” I said, walking away from her.
We ate in silence, and I withdrew further inside myself.
Emily put her lunchbox to the side. “You’ve got to talk to me at some point. It’s not healthy to bottle all of this up.”
“It’s worked well enough so far.” I winced at the sharpness of my tone.
She didn’t deserve to be snapped at, but I couldn’t seem to reign in how roughed up I felt.
“Has it?” She sighed. “It keeps bubbling up to the top. And even when you push it down, it comes back up. It’s a painful cycle, and maybe if you just processed everything, you’d be able to let it go for good.”
“It normally doesn’t come back. Things have just been difficult lately.”
“Difficult how? Talk to me about it,” she pleaded.
“Difficult because Malphas tossing me aside reminded me how worthless I really am and brought back all my feelings of abandonment. And difficult because I’d had to relive that memory, then I’d had to walk away from all I’d ever desired. Difficult like that.”
Yeah, shit just kept piling up, but before avoidance had worked just fine, hadn’t it? I knew how to handle my shit. I’d been doing it all my life. I didn’t see any reason why it needed to change.
“Blair…”
“Fuck, I need a cigarette,” I muttered.
“Right, of course, you want to dull your senses so you can run away from what you’re feeling. Don’t you see how unhealthy that is?”
“I just need to be able to manage it.” I stood and began pacing. I dragged a hand through my hair, yanking at the ends. If I couldn’t have nicotine, then I needed pain. Pain always helped me focus. But I didn’t want to focus right now. I needed a distraction, something else to focus on.
“There will never be a right time,” Emily said softly. I must have spoken aloud.
“I have a lot on my plate right now, saving Malphas and all that shit. I need to keep my eye on what’s important.”
“You’re important. The way you’re feeling is important. It’s all right to focus on yourself for just a minute.”
“No!”
“We’re not going anywhere or doing anything else, tonight. Why can’t we talk about this?”
“Because I don’t want to.” I whipped around and glared at her.
She flinched.
I was a piece of shit. Didn’t I know better than anyone that sharp words could wound much deeper than a fist? Why was I doing this to her when I knew better?
“I just want to help,” she whispered.
“You can’t. Just drop it so that I can deal with it myself.”
“But you aren’t. Talk to me. Let me be here for you.”
“What’s there to talk about?” I shrugged. “I’m fine.”
“You aren’t fine. Come sit back down.”
Begrudgingly, I did. I owed it to her after shouting.
“What were you thinking about before?”
I blew out a deep breath. “I. Don’t. Want. To. Talk. About. It.”
“But you need to let it out.”
“You want to know? I was thinking about my fucked-up childhood. But who gives a shit about that anyway? It’s in the past, and I’m over it.”
“You’re not. You know what you’re doing, right? Pushing me away because you’re afraid I’ll hurt you. But I’m not going anywhere, Blair. You aren’t going to make me run from you.”
Exhaustion and defeat overcame me. “You will. You just don’t know it yet.”
“I won’t. Trust me.”
I gave a noncommittal shrug. There was nothing left to say.
“Why don’t you tell me more about your childhood?”
I chewed on the inside of my cheek and picked at a loose thread on my jeans. I twirled it around my finger and tugged. I was like the string, unraveling piece by piece.
“The memory yesterday, and having to walk away from the promise of unconditional love, reminded me of everything said to me by my foster parents. They always told me how worthless I am, how I ruin everything. They all wished I wasn’t around and regretted bringing me in. I didn’t deserve anything they gave me, not even food. Did you know I slept in a closet once? They didn’t like me taking up a whole bed. No one wanted me then, and I don’t see why anyone else would now. I was just someone to beat on. I deserved all the beatings and abuse, all the pain they inflicted. And I deserve more punishment.”
“Oh, Blair…” She made a soft sound of pain and pulled me close I went rigid in her arms, refusing to take the comfort she offered. It wasn’t like I deserved it.
“I wish you could see yourself the way I do. Then you would understand we all love you so much, every piece of you. Every jagged edge, every haunted look, it’s all a part of you. I just wish that you believed me and accepted that truth.”
But she didn’t know everything.
If she did, she wouldn’t stick around. If she knew what had been done to me—how they had broken me—she’d be repulsed and see me like the used up broken piece of shit I was.
Why didn’t I just rip the band-aid off now?
You don’t really want her to go.
Tears welled in my eyes. It would come out eventually. There would be no hiding the truth forever. And then she’d be gone, and I’d be alone. Couldn’t I just enjoy it while it lasted
?
“It’s not real,” I said, bitterly. “It’ll fade in time, and I’ll be back where I was before. It’s fine. I’m cool with it. I lived without friends before, and I can do it again.”
Except for Weylyn. I couldn’t live without him, but I honestly wasn’t afraid of him leaving. He was a piece of me. He knew my every secret. Maybe it was only because I shared his mind and could feel his love that made me secure in the link we shared. He’d be there to comfort me when everyone else was gone.
I wouldn’t be entirely on my own.
“Blair, that’s not—”
“Just…let’s just go to bed. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
I didn’t want to talk about it ever again.
Chapter 16
Emily was quiet today, which wasn’t abnormal considering we’d fallen into a habit of not talking while we hiked.
But Emily’s silence was oppressive, pregnant with unspoken context, and I could feel it like a weight on my shoulders. There were still things she wanted to talk about—things about me that I didn’t want to ever talk about—and she was no doubt ruminating on them and upset that we weren’t talking about them.
I took a long drink from my water bottle and looked in the distance for anything coming up ahead.
But there was nothing for miles. No city in sight and I was beginning to doubt we’d ever come across one. Fine by me. I didn’t want to waste time skirting around another city. This desert was miserable, though. At least when we had trekked around the town, there’d been shade from the buildings, a respite from the heat.
Heat alone won’t kill me, I’m sure. Just another part of their torture for the mortal souls condemned here.
Honestly, I doubted anything but a demon could kill me here. Then again, maybe the torture they reserved for souls was more brutal than a body could weather.
As long as I made it to Desirious in one piece, I didn’t care.
Didn’t need to.
Just gotta keep on keeping one. Malphas needs me.
Lost in my thoughts, I didn’t see the hole and wasn’t able to avoid it. That shouldn’t have mattered. A twisted ankle would throw a wrench into things, but it wouldn’t be impossible to keep walking on.