by Drake, J. L.
“Yes, she’s all right,” his father says, standing up, “but there are so many questions that need answers, Cole. First we need to get you out of here. While we’re waiting for Molly to get your clearance, you need to call your mother.” He hands a cell phone to Cole.
“Yeah,” Cole takes the phone, “of course.”
“I’ll be right outside.”
Cole dials and tries to think about what to say.
“Daniel?” His mother’s worried voice rings through the phone.
Tears threaten Cole’s eyes as he takes in a deep breath and speaks. “Mom?” There is the longest pause, then a quiet sob on the other end.
“Oh, honey,” she manages to get out.
“I’m okay, Mom, truly. A few bangs and scrapes, but all things considered, I’m fine. Dad is here with me and we’re heading out shortly. We should be home by late tonight.”
“All right, son, I…” Her voice shakes.
“Mom, please don’t tell Savi that I’m coming. Dad’s right to keep it quiet…just until I make it back. Some things happened while I was gone and—”
“Of course, honey, I agree. She has been through so much…” She starts crying again. “Get Dad to call me later to give me a better idea of your arrival time. I love you, Cole, so very much.”
“I love you too, Mom. I’ll see you soon.” He wants to talk to Savannah, to tell her he’s alive and okay, but something tells him that he should have her in his arms first, just in case. He feels torn, but with the way his parents are acting, he knows things aren't right.
“Well, you look like shit.” Mark grins, bursting into the room in typical Mark style. God, he missed him. “You ready to go, or are you going to fake your injury some more? Molly’s a hot little number, hey?”
“Really?” Cole rolls his eyes while Mark tosses him a piece of gum. He doesn’t think before popping it in his mouth until his tongue is invaded with a nasty taste. “Oh shit!”
“What?” Mark shrugs, looking positively delighted that he got Cole to eat it. “It’s called Cool Cola.” Cole makes a face and spits it into the trash. “You now owe me two pieces of Hubba Bubba, dude.”
“Yech.” He reaches for his water, swirling it around his mouth trying to relieve his taste buds.
Mark laughs. “Come on, the chopper is waiting. It will take us to the mountains, then we'll drive the rest of the way. Changing it up, just in case.”
“Good plan.”
***
Savannah
I notice Sue’s mood has changed from this morning. She has actually eaten a whole meal, seems to be interacting with people, and her usual demeanor of looking like she’s off in space is replaced by someone more like she used to be. Lucky her. I, on the other hand, feel like an empty shell. I try hard to act somewhat normal just so people will stop hovering over me. I feel like I did when I first arrived at the house—completely out of place, full of pain and not sure where I belong. I pick up my untouched plate and place it on the counter. I can feel Abigail and June watching me. I turn toward the hallway and make my way to the front door, shrugging into my coat and boots and heading outside.
It’s lightly snowing and everything is silent. As expected, the front door opens and closes and I hear footsteps behind me.
Please, go away.
“I just need a minute, Derek,”
I’m so tired.
“First, don’t ever refer to me as that selfish ass,” Mike says, approaching me. “And second, I just wanted to go for some fresh air too.” I roll my eyes, but I find his company welcome. Mike has been busy the last two days hiding away in Cole's—his office. Oh god, even thinking his name makes me shake and want to curse at the sky. I really am losing it.
“He’s not that bad, you know,” I whisper as we make our way through the fluffy snow.
“Who, Derek?”
“Yes.” I nod. “Derek has been friendly and respectful.”
“Well, that’s good,” Mike says with mild sarcasm. I let it go, too tired to take it on.
“Let’s go this way.” He points toward my favorite spot up in the mountains.
“Sure.” I follow mindlessly, my boots crunching in the snow. It used to be one of my favorite sounds, but now, not so much.
“I know it’s late, and it’s the last thing you ever want to talk about, but I’m sorry about your baby, Savi.”
I feel like I've just taken a punch to my stomach, but I manage to hold it together. “Thanks, Mike,” I whisper, truly knowing he’s a good friend. I let my mind wander as we reach the top and look over the beautiful landscape. I let out a long, shaky breath. “Our baby was the only little bit I had left of Cole.” I swallow around the lump in my throat. “It’s all my fault it didn’t live.” Mike’s arm wraps around my shoulder. “It was the only thing I had left, Mike.” I start to cry quietly as he holds me. He removes his arm, checking the time on his watch.
“No, it’s not,” he whispers.
I wiggle his arm off me. “I don’t want to hear about having faith and God does things for a reason. God does mean, cruel things sometimes—” I feel my anger rise and am about to take my hurt out on my friend when I hear an engine and see a pair of headlights coming our way. The guys must be back from their latest mission.
“Sorry, Savannah, you won’t get a speech from me. I don’t believe in God.” Mike smiles. “I believe in karma and the big bang.”
“Good,” I respond, but his growing grin is making me uneasy. The SUV pulls up and Mike starts walking toward it.
“Come on, Savi, let's greet the guys. I’m sure they’ve had a tough trip.”
“Yeah, just give me a minute.” I wipe my cold face free of tears. God, I am sick of crying! I stick my icy hands in my jacket pockets and try to get my head clear. The last thing the guys need to see is ‘fragile Savannah’ right now. I turn on my heel take a step forward and stop dead in my tracks.
What?
Cole is standing a few feet from me wearing a black jacket, a hat, and army pants. I shake my head in disbelief, reminding myself to breathe. It can’t be…
“Savannah,” he whispers, giving me a half smile. I look over at the guys, who are all grinning like fools. Cole starts toward me. I notice he has a small limp, I see his face, his unsure smile—it feels surreal. I can’t move.
“But I watched you die,” I whisper as he reaches out and cups my face. His hands feel so warm. “I’m dreaming.” I start to sob. “This is a fucking dream, this is cruel.” I start to panic, as I’ve experienced moments over the last few days where I could almost believe none of it had happened, only to realize with dread that it had.
“No, baby,” he leans in, “this is fucking real.” He smashes his lips to mine, making me feel him. I reach around his neck and deepen the kiss, just wanting to feel something, even if only for a moment. His thumb brushes away my tears as he slowly pulls back, and I see tears in his eyes as well. “Hi, baby.” My hands move through his hair, over his face, down to his shoulders. I let out a giddy laugh, but it gets caught in my throat. I shake my head, not sure what to say as the shock begins taper slightly, so I go with the obvious.
“Hi,” I say back. “How?”
He shakes his head, staring deep into my eyes as if I’m not real.
“Let’s get inside and I’ll tell you everything, okay?” He winces when he lowers his arms.
“Are you all right?” I step back, inspecting him. He is obviously in pain, but he looks intact.
“I am now.” He takes my hand, threading his fingers through mine. He raises them to his mouth, kissing our joined hands. Tears stream down my face as I take in that he’s actually standing right here in front of me. My Cole, my love, my reason for living is back.
We walk in silence, and the guys follow behind us. His hand continues to squeeze mine. I have no idea what to say or what to think, but I can feel my heart thawing just a little.
Sue flies out the door. I let go of his hand as she wraps her arms around her son
. She is crying happy tears. Abigail and June do the same, all taking their turn to ensure he’s alive and well. I step back a few steps, feeling so confused. I bump into Daniel, who smiles down at me as he gives me a side hug.
“It’s just shock, honey. You’ll come around soon. Give yourself a moment to let it sink in.”
I turn away from everyone as I gather myself for like the eighth time today. Lord, what I wouldn’t do to have a handle on my emotions. I feel his hand find mine again, and I turn and see him looking down at me with a questioning expression.
“Don’t let go again, okay?” He gives me a tug toward him, kissing my forehead as he leads me into the house.
We all gather together in the living room to celebrate his return, everyone laughing and talking. I can’t seem to pull myself out of the shock and sadness that still has a firm hold on me. What’s wrong with me? I should be ecstatic, but instead I’m swimming with a hundred different emotions. I try to interact with everyone. Mark hands me his special Marcus Martini. I take it and thank him, but I just stare at it.
“Okay, honey, let's hear the story,” Sue says after everyone has quieted down. “I need to know, as I’m sure everyone else does.”
Cole nods then takes a long sip of his beloved brandy and squeezes my hand. “Let’s see, the last thing I can remember is keeping watch as the guys left the house. We needed to get out of there. Mark and Paul needed a medic. I must have been hit on the back of the head. I woke to someone taking an electric—” He stops himself and looks at me. “They roughed me up a bit, wanting to get the location of the house. They kept me handcuffed to a pipe in a small room, fed me just enough to hold on. This went on for a while until The American showed up. We had some words, and finally he got tired of me not answering his questions. The days kind of mesh together, but mostly they just pumped me for information. One night The American left the house, and that’s when the video was made by a man named Raul.”
I start to shake. I feel it start in my legs then travel up my spine through my arms and hands, and my teeth start to chatter. I sit my untouched drink down since it’s spilling over my hand. Keith catches my eye, but I pretend not to notice.
“So if that wasn’t you on the tape,” Paul says, squinting like he’s not really sure he wants to know, “who was it?”
I feel Cole’s grip tighten. “They had a guy already drugged. His build was similar to mine. I don’t know who the poor bastard was, but we need to find out to let his family know. They obviously didn't plan it well, as they didn’t catch my tattoo.” Cole bends his head down, breathing deeply. “It's an understatement to say that was a pretty bad day.”
“Yeah, it was.” Mark looks over at me. I quickly wipe a tear away, shaking my head at him.
Cole looks down at me, then at everyone in the room. “Look, everyone, thanks. I’ll fill you in more tomorrow, but right now I need some time with Savannah, and we all need sleep.” He stands and pulls me up with him.
When we reach the bedroom, he takes in the couch that’s made up like a bed against the wall and looks at me.
“Keith,” I whisper, moving to the bathroom and attempting to tuck my feelings away. Once I’m washed and ready for bed, I head back out and see Cole sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at me. He holds out his hand, reaching for mine. He pulls me between his legs and looks up into my eyes. My heart squeezes when I think about how I almost ended my life, thinking he was gone forever.
“I know this is really confusing, and it kills me to realize you saw that tape, but I’m here, and I’m fine.” I swallow hard, needing to be strong. I run my hands through his hair.
“You kept your promise,” I say through a tight throat.
His mouth curls up and his eyes crinkle. “A promise is a promise.” He frowns when he studies my face. “What happened while I was gone?” I try, I really do, to get the words off my tongue, but I stay silent. Instead I reach for the hem of his shirt until his hands stop mine. “Savannah, please.” I shake my head no, and he doesn’t push…yet.
I hear him flinch as he raises his arms over his head, and a moment later I see why. My hands fly over my mouth as I gasp. A huge bandage is wrapped around his mid-section.
“You’re hurt!”
“I’m all right,” he hisses. “I'm just exhausted.”
“No, you’re not all right.” I carefully stand him up. Undoing his pants, I help him lie back on the bed and crawl up by his head. I lean against the massive headboard as he shifts to rest his head on my legs.
“What was it like?” I ask, wanting to compare what he went through with what I had.
He sighs and closes his eyes. “Frustrating not being able to defend myself physically. It was all mental, but thankfully I had something to focus on.” His hand slides over my thigh. “I think the hardest part was knowing I was alive but you all didn’t.”
“Yeah,” is all I can say. The lump in my throat has returned.
I run my fingers through his silky hair methodically until I hear his breathing become even. My mind is running a marathon, but I cannot make sense of any of it yet. I'm still off on the sidelines of it all, too exhausted to even try. I glance at the clock and see it's two in the morning. Unable to settle yet, I slip Cole gently off my lap, slide off the bed, and head downstairs.
I lean back on the cool bricks after lighting the fireplace in the living room, set a large glass of brandy in front of me and try to take a sip, but my stomach rejects the liquor. Everything becomes a blur as my eyes fill and tears spill over my cheeks. I rest the tiny teddy on my lap like one would do with a child and cling to the little silver frame wishing with all my heart I had listened when people told me to calm down. How could I be so blind? So selfish? I killed our baby.
“It’s not your fault.”
My head snaps up, and I find Keith watching me from the kitchen. He comes over and takes a seat next to me. I shift so he has some room.
“Yes, it is.” I sniff, swimming in a sea of emotions. “All of this is my fault, but the fact that I lost—” I shake my head and try to clear the terrible images flickering in front of me. “To top it off, I had a—” I can’t say the word so I skip over it, “to my head and almost—”
“You had what to your head?” Both Keith and I jump at the sound of Cole's husky voice. I slowly look over, seeing him standing there in his sweat pants, bare feet, and nothing else. His face looks angry and confused as he takes a few steps toward us. “Someone better tell me what the hell happened while I was gone.”
Keith reaches over and squeezes my shoulder as he stands up, nodding at Cole. Cole takes his seat and watches me closely. I take a deep breath through my nose, knowing this is the moment when I have to break his heart, as mine is broken, to tell him what we had and then lost—our child.
“What’s that?” He points at the teddy his father gave me. I hand it to him and watch his eyes roll over the little name stitched into its army jacket. His gaze flicks up to me, making my lip tremble. I slowly turn the small frame around and show him the ultrasound picture. “Are you…?” He looks at my stomach.
“Was,” I correct him through streaming hot tears. “I was five weeks till the day the video arrived.” His eyes widen then drop slowly and he shakes his head. He then covers his mouth with one hand.
I want to scream, sob, and run away from all of this pain. I can see I’m about to break him, by chipping away a piece of an already battered soul. It’s just not right. So much of me is shattered.
“I’m so sorry, Cole.”
His red glossy eyes shoot up to mine. “No, no.” He kneels down in front of me, holding my hands. “No, baby, I’m so sorry you went through all of this without me. I-I…” His voice catches. “I can’t believe you were pregnant with our baby.”
Here it goes.
I pull back to look at him. “I don’t know how you feel about this, but I was going to keep it.”
“No,” he wipes my cheeks dry and moves to sit next to me, “we were going to ke
ep it.” My heart swells as I fill him in on all the details, like how Sue and Daniel were the only ones to know, then Keith because I wanted him to keep my secret until he returned safely. I take him through the moments when I miscarried, sobbing quietly as I share the details with him. The whole time he holds me tightly, giving my head light kisses. Then we sit in silence for a while, grieving together. His sobs are hard to hear, but he needs to let it out. It’s hard seeing someone who is normally so strong crumble in front of you.
Suddenly he stops moving. “What did you have held to your head?” I try to move, but his grip won’t let me.
“I—I found your gun behind your night table.” His entire body starts to vibrate, and I spit out the words in fear I won’t be able to finish. “I lost you, I lost our baby, and I still don’t know who’s behind my kidnapping. I had no reason to live. I just wanted to be with my family.” The words are falling out of my mouth with no filter. “Then Keith’s cell phone rang, and I hesitated, and he saw me. He...he talked to me, helped me off the ledge.” I just keep talking as Cole's eyes bore into me. “It was a pretty dark time, Cole, the darkest I’ve ever been.” I shift to look up at him. His eyes are squeezed shut now, and I move to kiss his jaw. “I won’t say I’m sorry about it, Cole, because I didn’t know you were alive, and if I am to be honest with myself, I think I would have tried again. But now you’re here, but the baby isn’t, and I’m trying to tell myself it wasn’t meant to be, but it still hurts.” The painful lump grows larger. “It hurts so damn bad, but having you back makes me see we can get through this if we—”
He suddenly leans forward, capturing my mouth with his. I know the drive behind the kiss is fear, so I follow, letting him take the lead. He needs to feel in control, and I’m willing to hand over the reins. I am too emotionally exhausted to be strong right now.
“Come back to bed,” he whispers. “I need to hold you.”
He leads us upstairs and we climb into bed. I shift carefully so as not to hurt his staples, and wrap my arm over his chest and my leg over his waist. I burrow my face in his neck, and it starts to sink in that he is really back. I feel his chest rise and fall, and with a deep sigh his fingers find mine, entwining them.