by R. J. Sable
In a fraction of a second, I’m pinned against the wall, his body pressed against mine. He lowers his face to mine and my chest struggles to expand enough to draw in a breath.
In different circumstances, I might be worried he’d try to kiss me but that’s at the other end of the spectrum to what’s happening here.
“Don’t call me an idiot,” he growls. And I mean really growls. His large hands grab my arms tightly, any tighter and I might bruise.
I feel it happening before I can stop it. I’m losing control and I can’t do anything about it. He’s pinning me in place with his bodyweight over me and it’s too familiar. My mind’s already back in that little room with its dark corners and the smell of whisky. I’m desperately trying to pull in a breath so I can do some breathing exercises but he’s still pinning me to the wall.
I’m vaguely aware that he’s still growling at me and making threats but I can’t hear them. This is the first day I’ve let myself feel like Elise in five years and I’ve already put her in danger. She’s trapped and powerless to a man again.
I almost feel Ellie and Elise merge into one at this thought. I’m not powerless. I’ll never be powerless again. My body is mine and I’m not going to let fear control me like I did as a child. Especially not fear of Karl Carter.
I swing my knee up with all my might. I don’t need chemical X but I might need restraining. My knee meets its target and I feel a satisfied thud against my legging-sheathed kneecap as I make contact with his meat and two veg.
Karl releases me immediately and falls to the floor, clutching his now-battered manhood.
“Don’t ever touch me,” I growl. I wish I could say it was threatening but it came out as more of a whisper. I’m still a little shaken up so I grab a horrified Becky and pull her in the direction of my house.
I don’t even remember walking home. The last image in my mind is of pushing past Matt, who almost seemed amused at the sight of his best friend lying on the floor, cupping his plums.
When I reach my front door, I take a deep breath, turning to Becky Blossom so I can apologise.
Before I get a chance, her arms are around me and she’s hugging me tight. As somebody who had her first hug in over five years just a week ago, I never realised how badly I could need one. This hug is everything it should be. Warmth, empathy, strength, and friendship.
“I’m so sorry, Ellie,” Blossom whispers softly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I manage. I mentally check myself. I am fine. More fine than I thought I’d be. I’m pretty damn proud of myself for fighting for Elise. Fighting for me.
“He shouldn’t have done that,” Becky shakes her head remorsefully as I let myself into the house.
“No. He shouldn’t,” I agree. “But I shouldn’t have called him an idiot.”
“If the shoe fits,” Becky grumbles. It’s the first time she’s said anything remotely bad about anyone and I look at her in shock.
“Well… I mean…” she backtracks, her cheeks tinged with red. “I just mean, he was a bit of an idiot to you when you were younger.”
“Becky, Karl saved me. What he did afterwards sucked, but at least he saved me. I’ll never forget that. Even if he is a bit of a baboon today.”
In retrospect, after what I witnessed, it was a stupid thing to say to him. He obviously has some sort of difficulty reading. It must have hurt his feelings for me to call him an idiot after witnessing that and, in all honesty, it was a pretty low blow. I resolve myself to sack up and apologise to him on Monday.
Becky giggles. “Baboon?”
“Baboon,” I nod.
“Elise!” My mother sings, bursting into the hall and demanding full attention with her swaying skirt and homemade necklaces.
I know she’s been waiting for me and Becky to arrive since I left a few hours ago and she’s not fooling me by giving us a few minutes to get inside the house.
“You must be Becky! Elise has told me all about you. Let me look at you, darling.”
“Mum,” I warn, my voice is affectionate but my warning remains.
“Nonsense, Elise,” mum scolds. “I must see who this girl is who has brought my daughter home without her shroud of darkness.”
I’m fairly sure Becky will think my mum means my goth get-up but I know she means my metaphorical shroud. I’m not so dim that I don’t know I’ve been different since I met Becky. Happier. More hopeful.
“Nice to meet you, Mrs Belrose,” Becky smiles politely.
“It’s Ms Belrose,” my mum waves her hands with a chuckle. “But you, my dear, you must call me Corinne.” She rolls her R a little bit extra and beams broadly at Becky. She’s really piling on the French charm today.
I grin as I hear my aunt Cecile tell my mum to dial it back a bit in French before she turns to greet Becky with a gentle smile.
“This is my aunt Cecile,” I introduce her.
“Nice to meet you,” Becky smiles.
“You must be hungry, girls,” aunt Cecile smiles. “Lunch is ready.”
“You look lovely, Elise,” my mum smiles affectionately once we’re seated at the table. “But of course, you always look lovely.”
“Must get it from her Dad’s side,” Cecile teases.
It’s a bit of a running joke between the three of us. Mum was a bit, let’s say… experimental, in her youth. She wanted to try many, many new things. There were a few too many men eager to share experiences with her and she didn’t settle down anywhere for more than a few days.
End result? She doesn’t really know who my dad is, and therefore neither do I. My mum doesn’t mind and, to be honest, it’s never bothered me either. I don’t need a dad and my mum always says it’s a good thing because she wouldn’t want to share me anyway.
“I think today is the first time I’ve seen your eyes,” Becky cocks her head at me. “They’re pretty.”
“Those she definitely gets from me,” mum boasts with a wink.
Lunch is fairly relaxed as mum talks about the earthen community and Becky listens attentively. If I was the sort of person that cared what others thought, I imagine I’d be worried about bringing people home to meet my mum. I know she’s a little unusual but I don’t even think twice about it, especially not with Becky. If she was the sort of person to judge, we wouldn’t have ever gotten to be friends in the first place.
“Bit of a more substantial lunch than your Wagon Wheels,” Becky grins at me as I lead her up to my room.
“Aw, why did you say that? Now I’m craving one,” I groan playfully.
Becky giggles and I let her into my sanctuary. It feels odd having somebody outside my family in here. Not bad, just odd. I smile as I watch Becky take in the room, walking around it and stroking all the wooden furniture I’ve made.
“These are incredible,” she squats down to admire the façade of one of my anti-corners.
“Thanks,” I beam. I’m proud of my work; it’s a part of me.
“You really made all this?” She looks around wide-eyed.
“Even the bed and the door,” I nod.
“Wow,” Becky Blossom breathes appreciatively. “Awesome sauce.”
I grin at her catchphrase and watch as she looks at my lists. This feels personal and I swallow thickly at the idea of her reading them. She’s my best friend but it feels wrong regardless.
Becky only lingers on them for a few seconds, only long enough to read a few words, but she seems to sense that they’re private and doesn’t glance at them again. I love her even more after that.
By the time we drop Becky back at her – ginormous – house, we’re both a bit high on life and giggling. I’ve shown her how to do her eye make-up in shades that will flatter her big, brown, doe eyes and she’s painted my finger and toenails bright red. It seems a little cliché perhaps, to be doing this sort of stuff, but I don’t care. I’ve never allowed myself a friend before and I’m mentally kicking myself for missing out on this.
After Blossom’s brief descrip
tions of her parents, I’m expecting super strict, suit-wearing, helicopter parents, but I’m wrong. They both seem friendly and normal, if a bit overprotective of their only child. And who can blame them.
Becky is awesome.
Chapter 10
I sat down and made a new list last night; a list of all the things I want to do with Becky. The girly stuff over the weekend was great but I want to do things that matter. I’d love for her to meet Bear. He has this awesome ability to spend five minutes with a person and understand them completely. It rocks.
This list is clipped to my wall rather than in my pocket. I don’t have a list in my pocket today because it’s remained the same recently in an effort to be more positive.
I’m wig-less and devoid of white foundation. Karl’s already seen my hair and hasn’t recognised me and, honestly, I’m enjoying letting myself be me a bit. If Saturday proved anything, it’s that I’m stronger now than I once was and, even though I’m not perfect, I like me.
I’m wearing my skinny black jeans and another customised band t-shirt along with my muddy black boots. Let’s be honest, I’d be drawing too much attention from the kids at school if I changed too quickly. I have to ease them into it.
I took an earlier bus to school this morning with the intention of biting the bullet and making the apology I know is due. It’s not something I’m looking forward to but I need to do the right thing.
I’m waiting by the school gates as I see them arriving. All of them. Ian, Rick, Danny, Matt, and Karl. I know they see me as well because Ian’s looking at me like he wants to rip my head off, Karl looks irritated, and Matt looks like he’s getting ready to enjoy the show.
“I need to talk to you,” I glare at Karl, ignoring his entourage.
The twins both make “ooh” noises and Matt playfully punches one of them in the stomach. He feigns hurt but the two of them leave us alone with a wave to their brothers.
“Alone,” I growl at Ian and Matt.
“So you can kick him in the balls again?” Matt grins. “’Cos I gotta say, I want to watch if you’re going to do it again.”
“Fuck off,” Karl groans, shoving his friend.
“Karl?” Ian’s attention is solely on his brother, asking something that I’m not party to.
Karl gives a subtle nod without looking at the others. I’m acutely aware that his eyes haven’t left me since I approached them.
Matt leaves with Ian but not before he winks at me. I turn and watch them walk away and, even as I do it, I know I’m just putting off what I have to do so I take a deep breath and turn back around.
“Look-” I start but Karl cuts me off.
“You put your contacts back in.”
I just cock my head at him with a blank face because I’m annoyed that he interrupted me.
“You have green eyes, right?”
“Yes, but-” I’m cut off again and I somehow let him get away with it because I’m surprised he noticed. We were only close enough for him to see my eyes properly for a few seconds.
“Why’d you put them back in?”
I shrug, confused as to why this conversation is going off on a tangent.
“And your name is Ellie?”
“Will you shut up and let me talk instead of telling me things I already know!” I snap, my stony glare firmly in place.
He smirks, just slightly, with one side of his mouth pulling up higher than the other. Lifting up his arms, he intertwines his fingers behind his head and looks at me like he’s waiting for me to talk. He’s the very definition of a cocky disposition and I hate myself for looking at the way his biceps are stretching his blue t-shirt for a few seconds too long.
His smirk grows and I know I’ve been caught looking. He thinks I was checking him out. I wasn’t. I was feeling sorry for the poor cotton fabric he’s threatening to rip in two.
“Well?” He prompts with that stupid, not-at-all-handsome, smirk.
“I just wanted to say… well… sorry for, you know,” I gesture towards his crotch but then quickly pull my hand back because it was a weird thing to do. “I overreacted and I shouldn’t have said what I said.”
“Alright,” Karl nods, pulling his arms down and taking a step closer. “So… Ellie?”
“I think we’ve already established my name,” I answer in frustration. My apology is done so why do I not feel like this is over?
“And your eyes are green?” He continues as if I never spoke. There are only a few centimetres between us and my skin tingles from his proximity.
I cross my arms and grit my teeth, ready to turn and walk away.
“And your hair is red?”
I suddenly realise where this might be going and take a step back, grateful for the added distance between us. Karl’s blue eyes widen slightly and there’s a flicker of triumph there. I don’t want him to figure it out so I head away from him.
“Hey, come back!” He demands, catching up with me.
I quicken my pace and ignore him.
“I was talking to you,” he smirks, dodging in front of me.
I duck round him. “And I was done talking. I apologised, now you can go back to pretending I don’t exist.”
He grabs my forearm in an attempt to get me to stop and I swing out at him on instinct. He seems prepared this time and ducks but he gets the message and lets me go.
“Elise, wait!” He calls out.
The sound of my real name from his mouth is enough to make me want to stop and face him. But I don’t. My steps don’t even falter. I make a beeline for the nearest bathroom, knowing he can’t follow.
After a few breathing exercises, I’ve calmed down. He doesn’t know who I am, he was just guessing because he saw my hair and eyes for the first time and has had some time to think about it.
Even if he figures out who I am, it doesn’t matter. I’m not the same person I was back then and at least he’ll keep his distance if he figures it out.
By lunchtime, I’ve totally relaxed about it. Becky and I have made a habit of sitting in the common room and she’s gotten used to it somewhat. She’s wearing the new outfit I chose for her and she looks as good as ever. I’ve already noticed that she’s attracting a different kind of attention.
I’ve just finished my first Wagon Wheel when I notice Ian staring in my direction. He’s sat with his groupies by the radio, which is blaring ‘Spice Girls’. Apparently it’s under the control of Annie and she has awful taste in music.
I meet his gaze with narrowed eyes because he doesn’t exactly look friendly. I watch as he pushes up to standing and faces me. Some of his female fan club makes to follow but he gives them a look that tells them to stay put. He approaches me with just his friend Rob.
“What do you want?” I cut him off before he can threaten me again.
“Friendly aren’t you,” Ian smirks, rudely sitting down on the table where we’re eating.
“Could say the same about you,” I bite back, looking over at Becky instead of Ian because he obviously thinks he can do whatever he wants and I kind of want to punch him in the face.
“Do we need to have a little chat, Ellie?” Ian leans forward, his voice lower and almost scary.
“I don’t see what we have to talk about, Ian,” I answer disinterestedly, still watching Becky. Her eyes haven’t left Rob’s profile and he’s actually blushing slightly.
I don’t know much about Rob; I haven’t had any interaction with him. He’s good looking but that means nothing to me. If he’s interested in Becky then he’s on my radar.
I won’t let anyone hurt her.
“We have plenty to talk about,” Ian growls, distracting me from watching Blossom and Rob.
I know he means more than just the fact that I know Karl’s secret. He means that he knows mine.
“I’m not going to say anything, Ian,” I grimace, leaning back in my chair slightly. “It’s none of my business.”
“Damn straight,” he frowns, but I can tell he’s slightly relieved.
He studies me for a while longer and I ignore him, favouring the ingredients list on the back of my Wagon Wheel wrapper.
“He’s going to figure it out soon or later, you know,” Ian smirks, whispering so only I can hear him.
I meet his eyes this time. “I don’t care if he does. At least then he’ll stay away from me.”
Ian opens his mouth but seems to change his mind and just shakes his head with apparent amusement. I go back to ignoring him, shifting my body away to let him know that this conversation is over.
I hear him chuckle as he turns to leave but he has to stop and wait for Rob who’s still looking at Becky. She’s blushing and looking down into her box of salad which she seems to find unusually interesting at current.
“Um, you look nice. Really nice, Becky,” Rob says, rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.
“Thanks,” Becky Blossom replies with a squeak. From where I’m sat I can see she’s smiling so much it looks painful but Rob can’t see it from above her.
“I mean… not that you don’t always look nice… you just… it-”
“Come on, Casanova,” Ian laughs, dragging his friend away.
Rob half turns round and smiles apologetically at Becky, giving her a short and awkward wave.
“Trying to convert the lezzers, Ian?” Shelley sneers from her perch by the stereo. “I suppose if anyone could do it, you could.”
Ian clenches his jaw and turns to Ms Queen Bee with a cold expression. “Got a problem with lesbians, Shelly? Or just with girls who have nicer tits than you?”
That shuts her up and she sniffs at him in anger. He just ignores her and throws a wink in my direction. I, of course, just flip him off and he laughs before returning to his entourage. I don’t need him to defend me. I can defend myself.
“Oh my god!” Becky whispers excitedly, in her own little world and oblivious to the venom being cast about by the resident snake. “Rob Wilson just said I looked nice!”